I’m Up / I’m Down

As someone who occasionally finds himself feeling depressed for whatever reasons the magic of the brain brings, the current state of the world doesn’t alleviate those feelings. Rents are high, good paying jobs are rare, and anyone telling you otherwise is full of shit. People my age are getting more anxious and depressed — which is disheartening to read.

I deleted my Facebook the other month and was amazed I had anything representing myself online for so long — 12 years to be exact. I find the platform nothing more than a ad network masquerading as a place for friends and family to reconnect. It’s a relic of the Myspace era only by name with nefarious means used by the corporate elite. I can be called a hypocrite considering a couple years ago I owned Facebook stock.

What does everyone my age do with their free time? There’s work, but after 5 PM, I can’t imagine wanting to turn up with how tiring the day is. Lives run separate and my closest friends are either too busy to do anything social or too broke to have the means to do it. I spend most my day slaving away in front of my computer and would rather not continue that watching TV or whatever hot Netflix show I need to binge on. Hint: I don’t like television. It’s all garbage, but I’m sure many can disagree. It’s not my cup of tea so let’s leave it at that.

In my free time, I have the weirdest of hobbies. I tend to spend inordinate amounts of time looking at stocks and reading on the latest news on market trends. Some call it boring, but it’s something I dare say I’m passionate about. This month alone, I was up 17% and even down far enough into the single digit negatives. It almost feels like a game some days with how the market swings on a single tweet by Trump. I told my coworker the other day I’m broke every month and carry no standing cash in the bank, which seemed to confuse her. On paper, I have assets — just nothing in fiat. There’s a good reason. A few years ago, I realized you can’t spend money if you have none of it in the bank. For that reason, I spend almost all of paycheck purchasing various stocks and real estate to “park” it for safe keeping.

If it works, don’t change it. Right? Later world.




Impending Doom

Finances at my current company aren’t going so well — hugest understatement of the past several weeks. It’s amazing considering how well we did last year. We went from 1 million in sales to 3 million the following year. Somehow, in the eyes of the owner, this called for rapid expansion as they say. We quickly opened up two other branches — one in Texas, another in Georgia. To some, that’s an achievement. Internally, it was ill advised.

My current office is the model branch. We get everything done on time and all procedures are followed to a T. Rules are established and everything is based off of them. I can’t say the same for the three other offices. Everything is a mess and we’re burning through $200,000 a month. I was told this in private a couple weeks ago and I’ve haven’t felt at ease ever since. We’re spending more money than is coming in and fast.

What’s a person to do knowing all this internal information? For one, it’s stressing me out everyday and most of the night. I feel through the actions of a few members of upper management, my past efforts have been greatly diminished. Add in the new tariffs imposed by our illustrious orange President, we’re on a sinking boat in need of rescue.

I’ve hammered out extra hours all week, but no one is buying from our online channels. The tariffs caused us to react hastily with a 30% price increase, which acted to push away any would-be shoppers. This was and is a disastrous mistake helped pushed forward by fear and uncertainty. If it were up to me, we would of cut costs left and right, never opened up two additional branches, and continued to sell at the same price we did all of last year.

It’s not like I haven’t voiced my concerns early on. I have and did and tried. It’s the usual case when you voice opposition amongst the higher ups. You fall on deaf ears. For two months, we’ve sold nothing. I’m beyond stressed, very worried, and don’t see a magical turn around unless drastic measures are taken.

2019 might be a rough year. I’ll just have to wait and see. Perhaps finding ways of better dealing with stress should be my priority. I’m labeled “director of e-commerce” and it comes with the territory. All I’m looking forward to this week is days of sweet calming rain and perhaps a few glasses of wine while I’m at it.

So long. Fair well. Later world.


Sunshine 1/13/2019

“You are a ray of sunshine on the cloudiest of days.”

Some days don’t go according to plan and that’s just fine.

Today was unusually frustrating. My to-do list grew and I was overwhelmed — total understatement for this entire fucking month. It’s not usually the case, just this week, deadlines we’re pushed way up and I only have another 5 days before the project is due. I’m stressed, but what else is new…

Truthfully, I’ve felt better and I’m not looking forward to next week for that matter. As I was just sitting there at the coffee shop with my iced latte dreading what’s to come, I felt really uneasy. I think I felt more disappointed by the fact I haven’t been able to fully relax all of this week. This is my life right now. Son of a bitch…

Making matters worse, my boss is in China for the next few weeks and getting in touch with him with the time difference will be a challenge. This fucking blows. He likes to put me in charge but I’m not really one to manage people. It’s just not my forte if that’s even the word.

My philosophy is always just get the work done and don’t dick around. I don’t really care what everyone does behind the scenes. If you’re on task and all the todos get checked off, hey, go crazy. Drop a disco ball in the showroom and have a dance off. Whatever. I think everyone is old enough to know what not to do in an office, but I’ve been wrong before. We shall see.

The day isn’t even over yet and of course there’s more drama to be dealt with. Give me a break. If there’s one thing I want this year is to be just less fucking busy. I feel I’m being spread a bit too thinly. Like butter — or peanut butter if that’s more your thing.

On the bright side, it’s supposed to rain all of next week — which is music to my ears. If relaxing on the couch wasn’t working, I hope the sweet sounds of cascading water droplets will. I think most people dread rain in Los Angeles, but I welcome it with open arms — sans umbrella no less. Shit, I used to just get rained on intentionally for the hell of it. If I needed a smoke while I was at it, an umbrella was used much to the shock of my neighbors.

Neighbors: “Danny, what the fuck are you doing?! You’re getting wet, bro.”

Me: Puff and puff.

Maybe I’ve grown to not like living here the older I get. Seems like all my neighbors are shit with an undertone of suspicion thrown in. Truthfully, they all rub me the wrong way and I’m not sure that their deal is. It’s a weird feeling being surrounded my Chinese people and not understanding 95% of what comes out of their mouth.

I’ve told all of them at one point or another I absolutely do not understand what the fuck you’re saying, but they keep jabbering on and on. Like, can they just get through their heads I might not understand the language? As if somehow the English I speak so fluently wasn’t obvious enough to them. In a nutshell, I’m a guy with a Chinese disguise and not everyone is up and arms about my lack of culture with the other people living in this city. I’m trapped. Story of my life.

I think the only real course of action would just be to move out of my “hometown” that I’ve grown tired of for almost 25 fucking years. It was bearable then, but now I kinda hate it — but hates a strong word. Some people call me a banana and hey, I won’t stop you. Seems fitting if I consider the circumstances. I was born in China, grew up here, managed to only assimilate with Hispanics my entire life and now I feel like I’ll never really feel at home. I should really move the hell out of here and that will be an absolute priority. A high one at that.

The week isn’t all bad. A few days earlier I paid off essentially one of the two student loans I’ve oh so been familiar with the past few years. I think it’s a big accomplishment as my friends put it. Now I can say I just have the other half to worry about, but truthfully, I’ve never worried about it all too much. Like, it’s just there. Boom. Look at me now. My credit score jumped up another 15 points — which I totally dig.

It’s only fitting. Every January, February, and March seems to be about the same. It’s a slow move up until summer rolls around. Apparently, a large percentage of the population has some form of vitamin D deficiency when the colder seasons come, leading to a down or depressed mood. Who knew? Note to self: you’re not weird. It’s just the weather and lack of sunlight.

No one understands me.

2019, you’re kicking my ass, but I’ll keep fighting — as usual. Later world.