The Search for Answers

I’m kind of lucky. I know I can text a handful of friends, both male and female, for their opinion on something. I tend to fixate and overthink something until the very reason for doing so almost becomes unclear. Hands down, one of the most confusing habits I have. Eventually, I come to my senses and ask everyone for their thoughts.

I’m not going to lie. Some topics get dark and wouldn’t fit the narrative of an online journal. You have that secrecy that trust allows. Other times, it’s another question about a relationship or someone I’m seeing. In the end, all I’m looking for is their cold hard unfiltered opinion.

I think what I’ve come to realize is you’re not going to be able to save yourself. Best you can do is ask for help. There aren’t always answers even with your most trusted loyal group of friends to confide in. At least hear them out to look at the situation from their prospective.

2020: once you’re off the boat, you’ll need to really convince me to let you back on.

Later world.


The Past Comes Back

The most interesting thing happened last night, “Danny let’s talk”. It was from someone I used to love deeply, but due to rampant uncontrollable drug binges and round the clock drinking, drove away. I take full responsibility back then for ruining our relationship and lying to her for so long about it. She found out the very night she needed me the most and get, I was too high to physically get off the couch.

Eventually, I came clean but knew the end was near. Some time later, I wrote her a long apology never expecting her to see it on Messenger or reply back. It was so long ago and I’ve regretted what happened ever since.

I’m not sure where this is going or why she chose now to talk to me again, but I’m happy yet cautious. Delighted yet apologetic. Alert yet slowing.

I’m glad we’re talking again. Later world.


Honesty Over Lies

honest: free of deceit and untruthfulness; sincere.

I’ve become increasingly aware that not everyone is as truthful as I am with them. It’s a shame considering my sheer open and bluntness with everyone. I thought it would mean others can be as real as they are with me. I guess not.

I noticed my conscience gets the better of me — it controls my actions. When I do wrong, I am bothered to no end. Not everything you say will be as you want it. Some days, you wish you could take it back. It’s circumstantial. Unfortunately, you can’t once it’s out there.

I don’t think people apologize enough. It’s hard to swallow your pride and admit you did wrong. And all for what? A small hit to your ego. Somehow in the imperfect world, we as people, cannot fathom admitting we are wrong.

Sincerity is paramount. But what do I know. Later world.