Bum Da Da Bum

The day after Fourth of July is distinctive. The lingering smell of gun powder in the air and sudden silence of my surroundings brings back many fond memories as a kid. I used to like loud explosions, but now find it such an annoyance that my ears need a mute button. This month is quite lackluster and I’m often met with too much downtime. Some call it another lazy Sunday — I just can’t stand it.

Earlier this month, I moved a large portion of assets into a trust to be locked away for the next six years. By that time I’ll be thirty-five and teetering on old age that would surely force thoughts of adulthood and relationships I’ve been putting off. The current self couldn’t be bothered with the troubles of a committed relationship and the freedom that type of life brings. I’ll have to consider being tied down — how unsettling.

Whatever the next chapter brings, it’s best to consider ways to get there. Love is fickle. Relationships are complicated. My life is rather busy. And my priorities are constantly shifting. I envy those who have it all together younger than older. There’s a sense of fulfillment and destiny that people in my position don’t have just yet.

Later world.

BLM: Among Other Things

Everyone is caught up on Black Lives Matter. I usually see a dozen or so posts on social media — my only one being Instagram. While I admire the armchair-level of political activism my generation easily gravitates towards, I personally haven’t devoted any time to expressing support for the movement.

One of my friends says this is inherently wrong. My lack of support doesn’t mean I don’t care — I’m preoccupied with life of my own and if this year wasn’t such a let down, perhaps I would feel differently. It troubles me when so many out there are called racists when they overlook the fact COVID-19 has destroyed the livelihoods of the American people. Should one use up their time and energy to voice support of BLM or worry about themselves and how they’re going to pay bills the following month?

I’m personally in the latter camp. I’m not pinching for quarters at the bottom of my wallet nor completely dependent on the government issuing a second round of stimulus checks. All I want to focus on is myself. Anyone who disagrees is not seeing it from the other perspective. I don’t recall ever being so engulfed in work the previous years, yet feeling so distraught over how the current state of the economy has took a downturn.

I much rather everyone worry for themselves and evaluate how they’re going to pay rent, bills, and keep food on the table before channeling their energy on policy changes. I don’t believe there is a systemic issue with cops murdering people nor everything reported on the news is factually correct. Not all cops are bad. Not all Blacks deserved to be targeted. We should not be rioting because someone is unjustly murdered. Destruction of property is never justified because the public feels outraged. There’s an inherent bias I see this year with the way the world is betrayed.

To put it simply: act like a fucking human being. Don’t bring your kids out on to the streets when you know there are riots. Don’t walk into an establishment without a mask and demand service when you’re so willfully ignorant about your actual rights. Stop pretending COVID-19 isn’t dangerous. If you don’t have an idea what next month holds when you have no income, worry about that. Worry about yourself.

Later world.

Terrible Mondays

Monday’s aren’t my favorite day of the week. I got stranded today. Thankfully, in the nice part of town and not on the side of the freeway. If there’s any silver lining to today, I had a few good laughs with my coworkers and the day was not typically busy. I’m calling this a case of bad luck. Can I expect this to week to be better? I really doubt it.

There’s always tomorrow.

June is not over just yet. How fitting the day can be so terrible.

Later world.

Invisible Minds

She can’t see me,

Eyes turned away to deceive me,

Summer skies til dawn for the season,

Have her walk away and she’d leave me,

Darling what is the reason?

The times are gone and beneath me,

Tell me what’s true and we’ll reason,

The souls are torn for our treason,

Lie to me now and I’ll leave for the time being,

Darling tell me the reason,

The thoughts dwell til three,

Up late in the evening and I’m now dreaming,

The past has grabbed hold and I’m not leaving,

Til we part now and I’m not breathing,

Fixations to the mind and I’m not believing,

———

I’m quite happy with how this poem turned out. Now if the rest of the world would resume, I would be so thankful. One day at a time.

Words, They Hurt Me

In the lifetime I’ve been alive, I can always recall some of the most painful words ever spoken to me.

“We can still be friends.”

“We had a nice run…”

“I never loved you.”

“Did you hear about grandpa?”

Such feelings are shared between people. Sadness, grief and the feeling that overcomes you. It pulls at your heart strings and hums of a tune you wish not to know. Unsurprisingly, those feelings lose their intensity as time passes, but the thought alone triggers them. Now, just a lingering itch from a time that felt so long ago.

Later world.

Next Stop: Tomorrow

For some time I’ve been searching,

Minutes to eleven and the feelings are hurting,

Where had it gone, but so undeserving,

My eyes drift down as it’s worsening,

Tell all lies and I’ll be searching,

The feelings of past and yours be hurting,

Save me now and all that’s deserving,

I’ll be downing in air praying it’s not worsening,


Why do days feel longer the more you think? My entire mind is a replay and some days it’s never ending. Your eyes keep wandering and ears more acute. Falling leaves, the brightest sun and the sensation of everything around me suddenly feels like I’m lost in reality.

Los Angeles $$$

Los Angeles is all I know. I distinctly remember walking around downtown as a kid seeing all the tall skyscrapers and being at awe at the marvelous concrete jungle. The bustle of the city allured me then, but now I’m indifferent about life here.

My biggest complaint here is the high cost of living. Last I checked, I’m doing pretty well for myself, but your money goes quickly putting a roof over your head. You can save a bit by cooking more and budgeting, but there’s no escaping the costs associated here. If I could permanently work remotely, I would leave for another state or city in a heartbeat.

I feel I more or less recovered from the market crash and all my investments are in the green. I’m thankful, but seeing as how your livelihood hangs on a thread when there’s an outbreak doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t feel secure even with the nest egg I have and that shouldn’t be the case.

If everything plans out, I’ll have six figures saved up in various places ready to cash out for my house or condo. It’s the American dream. One that’s expensive, riddled with liabilities, and logically the next step in my life. It begs the question, would I do it?

I’ve been constantly thinking about this plan for a few years now and I’ve only err on the side of caution than my usual relentless optimism. Times like this I wish I wasn’t alone with just my thoughts. A second opinion helps and I’d imagine I could be quickly pushed the other way.

The path less traveled is the one walked alone and I feel I’ve only had a string of successes to push on forward. I know I could just live everyday as it comes but life comes as you fast and the better you have an idea of where you want to be, the less likely you’ll be just another ant in this world.

I don’t want to be just another person drifting. The days feel longer now that we’re on lockdown. My thoughts cascade into one another and my mood is slowly falling. I can almost hear my own heartbeat on some days. There’s a rhythm to life and right now, I’m off beat.

Later world.

For Now and Always

I wouldn’t necessarily say you need a global pandemic to make you reevaluate your priorities, but with all the free time I have to myself, it seems prudent. Life the past few years has been fairly strong and quite goal oriented. Whether I’m motivated by the forces that are intrinsic is up for debate. I sometimes have this nagging reminder in the back of my mind of how far behind I once was that gives an extra push when the times are difficult.

I like a challenge and everyone should be weary of a life of ease and handouts. It’s not fulfilling and lacks the sweet feeling of a plan coming to fruition. I have all these bookmarks in my memory of days or weeks where I felt I was struggling and drowning from the forces of life. Yet, miraculously, here I am — barely with a scratch to be seen. This is metaphorically the value of perseverance in life’s unending dash through discovery. Goals have endings, but the journey continues.

I’ve written some five hundred plus entries in this online journal detailing my bouts of ups and downs. Some are sad. Some are joyful. Others the bitter feeling of disappointment. In the end, I find it incredibly refreshing to let it all be known to friends new, far and unknown.

I’m truthfully hopeful there’s more to be accomplished and self-reflect on. There is no end and I can only assume there’s someone out there on this Earth who shares the same sentiments and values. That would be a delight unmatched to any feeling the human body can feel and experience.

Perhaps I am a bit odd and different in the ways life affects me. Change with the times and see to it tomorrow is new and exciting. Different yet unknown. Feelings of the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Time has never felt so still and all I can think of is the next sunset that captures my sight or the darkness that brings another moon.

The curtain falls and with that — applause. Later world.

Crisis Time: COVID-19

2020 is roaring and when I mean that, its wrath has my stock portfolio losing as much as 30%. By my count, at one point, I was at a loss of nearly ten thousand fucking dollars. To put it in perspective, the past two weeks has completely erased all gains since 2016. That is incredible. Waking up to everything in red is almost amusing after the second week of straight losses.

So everyone has been asking me am I worried? Not really. This is panic selling and eventually everything recovers — however long that may take. We had a meeting at work today to break to everyone the bad news. We’re cutting staff and anyone who’s fortunate has to work from home until further notice. This fucking blows.

I’m so bothered by the fact some of my coworkers have kids to take care of and it’s come to this. Many are going to be on unemployment and will have a hard time getting by. What has the world come to? I know this is going to keep me up at night and it shouldn’t. It’s out of anyone’s control and the circumstances surrounding this viral outbreak are unfathomable.

As I sit here constantly wondering how the hell I’m going to get in my usual work mode while painfully stuck at home, I hope and pray this is only temporary. I’m fine as usual, but knowing everyone isn’t pains me to no bounds.

Later world.

Phase 2

I’m being hired my own secretary, which honestly sounds exciting. Someone who will take calls and help out with the piles of forms and bills that will likely get sent my way. A receptionist essentially. I’m running my own business and there’s a ton of setup involved. Contracts, negotiations, insurance liabilities — it’s an endless mess of chaos beginning a business. The workload doesn’t scary me, the thought of it not meeting my own set of goals does.

I’m in uncharted territory for the first time in forever and while the doors are all open, that feeling of things possibly going very wrong is a possibility — however small it may seem. It will be the first time where I won’t have anyone telling me what to do and when. It all falls on me. You can say there’s some pressure involved, but tell me something that isn’t new.

During my meeting today, everyone has high expectations and you know what? I’m ready for anything coming. I’ll probably like this freedom bestowed upon me. I’m up and it’s about time.

Now to find a receptionist.

Later world.