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Let’s Hurry It Up

Two of my closest friends are expecting their first child. I’m excited as much as they are and to think I’ll be an uncle to someone is surreal. How odd, terrifying, but moving.

While I believe everyone on this journey of life sets their own pace, I’ve suddenly found myself wondering if I’m behind. The feelings come naturally when I’m preoccupied with work and why my savings isn’t miraculously going to solve all my problems. Different strokes for different folks, yet I’m here fixed on the monetary.

Don’t mistake it. Life isn’t all about money nor the material, but when life tries to fight you, I’m glad I can cover the seemingly too frequent visits the hospital. It’s a game of fighting the unexpected and misfortunate.

I’ve always told myself I couldn’t possibly be tied to a relationship right now with how busy work keeps me. Fun is immediate without the strings attached. Attachment itself is vulnerability and a slow stewing recipe for distress. Having a child is expensive once the reality phase comes hitting you like a train.

Like my grandma has told me countless times, stop to smell the roses and worry about yourself. Time is limited, yet we’re all trapped wishing for what others have while we are too distracted in how to obtain them. I am me. Next.

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Love and This Year

2020 is quite unusual. Pandemic aside, I didn’t fall head over heels in love and I didn’t date anyone new. I blame COVID for the lack of feelings to be had this year, but tell me something that isn’t already obvious. It’s strange. Normally, I could list a few good places I’ve been to with the lady or a few new experiences to be shared, but all that came to a halt.

Say it ain’t so. I’ve felt cheapened by the events of this year. Watered down even. The few casual encounters or what I like to call “extracurricular activities” I’ve had with women weren’t too meaningful nor something my mind to fixate on. Let’s not even number the headcount.

Everyone had this haze around them. I don’t blame them nor the constant reminders we’re inching towards a post-apocalyptic world — it can’t be helped. Shit. All I’m looking forward to is Thanksgiving — my all time favorite holiday. I can’t imagine the logistics around it, but I’m dreaming. This can’t all be happening and yet it is.

Later world.

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Rainy Day Fund

Life has a way of throwing too much in my direction. I’ve gotten a surprise bill in the mail. A cool four figures owed. Ouch.

I’ve noticed this year has a way of being expected. COVID, riots, heightened attitudes… something doesn’t feel right all year. Honestly, how can it. I’ve largely been unaffected this entire time. Call me thankful to still manage to get by relatively unscathed financially.

I’ve been in the hospital twice in less than a year. Can’t say that is a good sign for things to come, but here I am: tired, sweaty, and unenthusiastic about tomorrow. I’ve come to realize just because I don’t show the underlying emotion, doesn’t mean it’s not unknowingly affecting my well-being. I’m not as invincible as I believe.

Now I’m just mortal. Those feats of stupidity and brazen disregard for life have finally caught up to me. I can’t run any longer and the finish line gets farther. The lion has bitten back and I’m left hopping for the next kilometer.

I want the next year to come already. Give me Thanksgiving and fast forward to the next year, please. Best of luck to everyone wandering, but not yet lost.

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I Feel Behind

One of the more alarming problems I face is how I constantly feel like I’m “behind”. I have a great job and my income is decent, but I can never shake the feeling. Even when I know there are people much worse out there in the city without jobs and financial support, I can’t reason myself out of this thought.

I would assume it stems from what my uncle told me a few years ago. In his own words, no matter how much you make, eventually, you will think it’s not enough. There’s this imaginary ceiling I’ve created. Next year I’ll make this much, but once I do reach it, a higher ceiling is created. I’m either not seeing the full picture or my thoughts are too fixated on the wrong priorities.

It’s one of those reasons I much rather find ways to be content with life than go out searching for happiness. What good is happiness when it’s only momentarily? I think this year has been especially difficult processing all these conflicting thoughts. I should be thankful and yet I’m not. There’s a bonus waiting for me next month, but I disregard it. I’m healthy and determined, but the future feels uncertain.

Someone save me. Later world.

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Water in the Glass

This year is either the worst ever or the best I’ve had depending on my perspective. It’s one of those glass half empty or half full situations many people like to think of. If I make a list of what didn’t go right, I have the following:

– COVID-19, economy shutdown, Black Lives Matter, riots, my Grandma being ill, and stocks took a hit.

Being a bit more optimistic, leaves me with this:

– life goes on, my business launched, I’m getting a bonus next month, my investments are up, I still have a job, and my Grandma got treated

This year is so polarizing and only a little more than half of it is gone already. It kind of makes me wonder if this is a test for my ability to persevere in times of crisis and uncertainty. Overall, I’ll have to take it for what it is and keep focused on myself. I recently lack the energy to even stay up past 11 PM without suddenly falling asleep. I’ve been telling myself the exhaustion comes from work, but I wouldn’t be surprised if my mind has been at full blast all this time.

Later world.

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Bum Da Da Bum

The day after Fourth of July is distinctive. The lingering smell of gun powder in the air and sudden silence of my surroundings brings back many fond memories as a kid. I used to like loud explosions, but now find it such an annoyance that my ears need a mute button. This month is quite lackluster and I’m often met with too much downtime. Some call it another lazy Sunday — I just can’t stand it.

Earlier this month, I moved a large portion of assets into a trust to be locked away for the next six years. By that time I’ll be thirty-five and teetering on old age that would surely force thoughts of adulthood and relationships I’ve been putting off. The current self couldn’t be bothered with the troubles of a committed relationship and the freedom that type of life brings. I’ll have to consider being tied down — how unsettling.

Whatever the next chapter brings, it’s best to consider ways to get there. Love is fickle. Relationships are complicated. My life is rather busy. And my priorities are constantly shifting. I envy those who have it all together younger than older. There’s a sense of fulfillment and destiny that people in my position don’t have just yet.

Later world.

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BLM: Among Other Things

Everyone is caught up on Black Lives Matter. I usually see a dozen or so posts on social media — my only one being Instagram. While I admire the armchair-level of political activism my generation easily gravitates towards, I personally haven’t devoted any time to expressing support for the movement.

One of my friends says this is inherently wrong. My lack of support doesn’t mean I don’t care — I’m preoccupied with life of my own and if this year wasn’t such a let down, perhaps I would feel differently. It troubles me when so many out there are called racists when they overlook the fact COVID-19 has destroyed the livelihoods of the American people. Should one use up their time and energy to voice support of BLM or worry about themselves and how they’re going to pay bills the following month?

I’m personally in the latter camp. I’m not pinching for quarters at the bottom of my wallet nor completely dependent on the government issuing a second round of stimulus checks. All I want to focus on is myself. Anyone who disagrees is not seeing it from the other perspective. I don’t recall ever being so engulfed in work the previous years, yet feeling so distraught over how the current state of the economy has took a downturn.

I much rather everyone worry for themselves and evaluate how they’re going to pay rent, bills, and keep food on the table before channeling their energy on policy changes. I don’t believe there is a systemic issue with cops murdering people nor everything reported on the news is factually correct. Not all cops are bad. Not all Blacks deserved to be targeted. We should not be rioting because someone is unjustly murdered. Destruction of property is never justified because the public feels outraged. There’s an inherent bias I see this year with the way the world is betrayed.

To put it simply: act like a fucking human being. Don’t bring your kids out on to the streets when you know there are riots. Don’t walk into an establishment without a mask and demand service when you’re so willfully ignorant about your actual rights. Stop pretending COVID-19 isn’t dangerous. If you don’t have an idea what next month holds when you have no income, worry about that. Worry about yourself.

Later world.

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Terrible Mondays

Monday’s aren’t my favorite day of the week. I got stranded today. Thankfully, in the nice part of town and not on the side of the freeway. If there’s any silver lining to today, I had a few good laughs with my coworkers and the day was not typically busy. I’m calling this a case of bad luck. Can I expect this to week to be better? I really doubt it.

There’s always tomorrow.

June is not over just yet. How fitting the day can be so terrible.

Later world.

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Invisible Minds

She can’t see me,

Eyes turned away to deceive me,

Summer skies til dawn for the season,

Have her walk away and she’d leave me,

Darling what is the reason?

The times are gone and beneath me,

Tell me what’s true and we’ll reason,

The souls are torn for our treason,

Lie to me now and I’ll leave for the time being,

Darling tell me the reason,

The thoughts dwell til three,

Up late in the evening and I’m now dreaming,

The past has grabbed hold and I’m not leaving,

Til we part now and I’m not breathing,

Fixations to the mind and I’m not believing,

———

I’m quite happy with how this poem turned out. Now if the rest of the world would resume, I would be so thankful. One day at a time.

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Words, They Hurt Me

In the lifetime I’ve been alive, I can always recall some of the most painful words ever spoken to me.

“We can still be friends.”

“We had a nice run…”

“I never loved you.”

“Did you hear about grandpa?”

Such feelings are shared between people. Sadness, grief and the feeling that overcomes you. It pulls at your heart strings and hums of a tune you wish not to know. Unsurprisingly, those feelings lose their intensity as time passes, but the thought alone triggers them. Now, just a lingering itch from a time that felt so long ago.

Later world.