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Bum Da Da Bum

The day after Fourth of July is distinctive. The lingering smell of gun powder in the air and sudden silence of my surroundings brings back many fond memories as a kid. I used to like loud explosions, but now find it such an annoyance that my ears need a mute button. This month is quite lackluster and I’m often met with too much downtime. Some call it another lazy Sunday — I just can’t stand it.

Earlier this month, I moved a large portion of assets into a trust to be locked away for the next six years. By that time I’ll be thirty-five and teetering on old age that would surely force thoughts of adulthood and relationships I’ve been putting off. The current self couldn’t be bothered with the troubles of a committed relationship and the freedom that type of life brings. I’ll have to consider being tied down — how unsettling.

Whatever the next chapter brings, it’s best to consider ways to get there. Love is fickle. Relationships are complicated. My life is rather busy. And my priorities are constantly shifting. I envy those who have it all together younger than older. There’s a sense of fulfillment and destiny that people in my position don’t have just yet.

Later world.

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BLM: Among Other Things

Everyone is caught up on Black Lives Matter. I usually see a dozen or so posts on social media — my only one being Instagram. While I admire the armchair-level of political activism my generation easily gravitates towards, I personally haven’t devoted any time to expressing support for the movement.

One of my friends says this is inherently wrong. My lack of support doesn’t mean I don’t care — I’m preoccupied with life of my own and if this year wasn’t such a let down, perhaps I would feel differently. It troubles me when so many out there are called racists when they overlook the fact COVID-19 has destroyed the livelihoods of the American people. Should one use up their time and energy to voice support of BLM or worry about themselves and how they’re going to pay bills the following month?

I’m personally in the latter camp. I’m not pinching for quarters at the bottom of my wallet nor completely dependent on the government issuing a second round of stimulus checks. All I want to focus on is myself. Anyone who disagrees is not seeing it from the other perspective. I don’t recall ever being so engulfed in work the previous years, yet feeling so distraught over how the current state of the economy has took a downturn.

I much rather everyone worry for themselves and evaluate how they’re going to pay rent, bills, and keep food on the table before channeling their energy on policy changes. I don’t believe there is a systemic issue with cops murdering people nor everything reported on the news is factually correct. Not all cops are bad. Not all Blacks deserved to be targeted. We should not be rioting because someone is unjustly murdered. Destruction of property is never justified because the public feels outraged. There’s an inherent bias I see this year with the way the world is betrayed.

To put it simply: act like a fucking human being. Don’t bring your kids out on to the streets when you know there are riots. Don’t walk into an establishment without a mask and demand service when you’re so willfully ignorant about your actual rights. Stop pretending COVID-19 isn’t dangerous. If you don’t have an idea what next month holds when you have no income, worry about that. Worry about yourself.

Later world.

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IDGAF

The new rule for this month is to not give a fuck and err on the side of hedonism. This year is progressively getting worse and I’m powerless to stop it. I don’t give a fuck about Black Lives Matter. I don’t give a fuck about the next stimulus check. I don’t give a fuck if your unemployment is running out. Those issues don’t concern me. I only want to worry about myself.

Just for once, I wish people would get back to their own lives and stop pushing their interests on others. Let me be. Agree to disagree. Channel that outrage into getting your life together. Worry about paying bills on time. Learn to save for tomorrow. Get the fuck off social media.

Later world.

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The Reality of 2020

This entire year feels like a complete failure. COVID derailed all of my plans and then some. Every forecast for what this year could has been missed. I just accept the harsh reality of what this year entails and unfortunately, it feels like it’s getting worse each passing day.

The reality of life is simple: expect not it to go according to plan. I feel like I’m just 70% there and I’m often forgetting the most mundane of tasks. I feel on edge and most people I interact with can see it. Save me? No. Worry about yourself. I’m just honest about it.

Mix an ongoing pandemic with civil unrest and you have by far one of the most unruly times in recent memory. To everyone who feels let down and disappointed, I’m here right with you. The world is chaotic and I’m looking for mercy, not a resolve.

Later world.

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Terrible Mondays

Monday’s aren’t my favorite day of the week. I got stranded today. Thankfully, in the nice part of town and not on the side of the freeway. If there’s any silver lining to today, I had a few good laughs with my coworkers and the day was not typically busy. I’m calling this a case of bad luck. Can I expect this to week to be better? I really doubt it.

There’s always tomorrow.

June is not over just yet. How fitting the day can be so terrible.

Later world.

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Awkward (Kinda)

We hired a new person at my job. A female.

Normally, I wouldn’t care to mention, but my coworker about a year ago introduced me to her. We talked and texted like the usual ways two people get acquainted. I asked her out. She said yes. And for a while this was going well until some choice words were said.

Now she works here. What an unusual year this turning out to be.

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Invisible Minds

She can’t see me,

Eyes turned away to deceive me,

Summer skies til dawn for the season,

Have her walk away and she’d leave me,

Darling what is the reason?

The times are gone and beneath me,

Tell me what’s true and we’ll reason,

The souls are torn for our treason,

Lie to me now and I’ll leave for the time being,

Darling tell me the reason,

The thoughts dwell til three,

Up late in the evening and I’m now dreaming,

The past has grabbed hold and I’m not leaving,

Til we part now and I’m not breathing,

Fixations to the mind and I’m not believing,

———

I’m quite happy with how this poem turned out. Now if the rest of the world would resume, I would be so thankful. One day at a time.

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Midway 2020

Half of the year flew by. I’m a little surprised, a bit concerned, but life goes on. I haven’t preoccupied any of time with matters outside my own. I think it’s only the sane thing to do where there’s images and videos of civil unrest throughout the world.

Here’s where the year stands so far in my world:

– Exponentially increased the size of investments by a few hundred percent (up 20% overall). Amazon at $3K by end of the year.

– No debt! I have my car payment and insurance, but I can knock this out the way before years end if I wanted to.

– Plans to buy a house in Portland, Oregon. This is elaborate to say the least. Home prices in Portland can get me a 3 bedroom house for what a low priced condo costs here. I’ll buy the house and rent it out for income. This sounds doable, but logistically a nightmare.

– I helped out at least 5 people without any consideration for anything in return. I’m proud of this. I genuinely like it when friends come to me asking for help and I can do it. Feels good!

– Some friends far away smiled big and hard and I did that. Be me. Be kind.

Later world.

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Fuck This Week

Wouldn’t you know it — this week sucked immensely. Fuck me. Fuck that. And my god — fuck off. One of my woke friends gave me shit for not voicing my support of the Black Lives Matter movement. I’m sorry, but I have to go to work everyday and bust ass to get several projects done. You would think your daily responsibilities that keep a comfortable living is a higher priority than going out on the streets to protest, but fuck that shit.

Different strokes for different folks. There’s this weird cloud over everyone and it doesn’t bring out the best in people. My office is littered with angry faces and people who checked out since the beginning of the month. I’m covering for everyone and this is the definition of incompetence.

Someone save me. Later world.

If the world would stop for a second, that would be great. It feels like the first time I’ve been able to stop and take a breather all week.

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Starlight Drifter

I’ll call you my starlight,

Heaven knows it to be true,

Eyes wide open,

Teary of the ocean blue,

You say you don’t love me,

And indeed it could be true,

Somewhere along the horizon,

Lost inside of you,

I’m nearby just floating,

A wave that hasn’t fallen,

Ten years for longing,

Another for the fall,

You say you don’t love me,

Hear me calling for yours,

Endlessly be searching,

Midnight, past life — my starlight


Poems are hard when you have nothing to do. Today was too busy, however. I feel rushed all of a sudden. Times like this I’m glad I have nothing but my thoughts. Maybe I dwell on them more to distract myself.