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Unexpected (Terrifying)

One thing I’ve had difficulty coming to terms with is you can’t stop people from coming and going. Eventually, everyone you know and love will meet the same fate. Those pearly gates above and the light on top sounds the best most confronting conclusion to ones life — however extraordinary. What a crazy thing to believe. Yet, in times of destress, it allures everyone. My grandma is not well — not the least bit and while we may have some of the best doctors assisting her in the battle against cancer, I’m scared — terrified as she is.

I’ve had too many thoughts in my mind the past couple days. Questions to myself and motives mainly. Did I see her enough? Was I the model grandson? How well will the surgery go? Why me? And most frequently, “Why us?” In the moments my aunt told me the prognosis, I felt every heart string pulled at full tension. Disbelief as I utter to her, “Are you serious?” As quickly as surprise and disbelief came, my grief came faster and with heavy emotions.

I teared up. My aunt could see my face turn pale. The words from her stung like that of the never ending torn in an otherwise field of roses. Time became still. I could not hold back and so I walked away and into the backyard. I cried so hard as the tears cascaded down more and more. I did not take the news very well to say the least. To love is not just to say the four letter word. How much grief you have says a thousand more.

We are all hurting and with heavy heart. This is it.

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Life Catches Up: An Introspective

It’s been a very traumatic month to say the least. It’s weird. Earlier I felt the winter blues slowly overcoming me and felt once again powerless to stop it. Seems my body needs the sunshine to maintain a proper mood.

My head injury doesn’t seem to be a bother anymore. I had this habit after the initial first couple days to replace H with Bs when I wrote. That honestly terrified me. I had a CAT scan, blood work and the whole nine yards of tests conducted and all came back normal. Now I’m glad I opted to get the maximum health insurance coverage offered by my job. Money well spent for the level of care I received indeed.

I can safely say I could put my entire car accident behind me now. My friends and co-workers have been telling me to not think to much about it or watch the video saved on my dash cam. I’ll take their advice. Worst thing I can do is cause more anxiety after being too curious. What’s that saying? Curiosity killed the cat.

Life catches up to you. Same days I felt literally untouchable and invincible. Now, I know I was very wrong and naive. I’m quite vulnerable and my ability to walk away from the crash all but says I’m very lucky and fortunate. The winter blues have left now. Seems I have a new perspective on life, living, and the sometimes chaotic journey I have myself wrapped in. So many friends reached out to ask if I was alright. I feel forever thankful so many care about me.

It’s the theme this month isn’t it? I already bought a new car and am just waiting for the phone call to go pick it up from the dealership. I got it for a steal and all things considered leading up to now, I’ve been told by my best friends not many people have the ability to find themselves in a new car so soon.

I couldn’t have imagined this month to be so wild and quite frankly, how could I? I’ve always thought myself to be a optimist and searching for the silver lining is more important than dwelling on all the negatives. Life — it happens. I’m just here taking it all in and hoping to find myself in a better place than the year before. Everyday is unpredictable, but that’s what makes it worth pursuing.

By some clever accounting, I actually made a lot of money from this entire ordeal. What a crazy miracle. Even when life takes a hit to my head and suffering a mild concussion, I end up in the winner’s side — so to speak. I’ve never felt so alive or financially secure. I’ll take that as the invisible armor I have protecting me at all times.

I didn’t want to go just yet. I’m not done and perhaps may never will be. The pursuit of life is still in full force and with greater intensity. My spiritual side would say I’m protected and guided by angels and past love ones. This could have been much worse and walking away from the wreck speaks volumes.

I recall forcing my door open, walking up to the front of my car, and inspecting the damage. I very nonchalantly asked the officer for a ride home, which only seemed to puzzle and confuse him. Everything else after is all dark and not saved in my memories. That I’m fine with. I don’t need to know everything or figure out the missing few hours from that night. Knowing all the events isn’t important. Knowing I’m well, alive, and safe is.

2020 is right around the corner. I’ve said this countless times, but the only direction life can take me is up — onwards, yet forward. You live to learn, to experience, to feel, to love, and to care. I’m unstoppable and will never be static. That I’m sure of.

Later world.

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Reminders from Death

Today, I found out one of my childhood friends passed away. It’s terrible news in an otherwise unremarkable week. It’s the sore that lingers in the body that is otherwise unharmed — painful, yet only temporary. As I’ve gotten older with each passing year, I get these reminders — unwanted, but infrequent. Somehow, life goes on. Their presence is no longer of this Earth — only the memories of them. Life feels impossibly fragile when faced with loss and the pain losing someone brings.

It’s the second loss this year. Is it appropriate to keep count? My hope is that everyone lives a life of personal fulfillment and happiness. Search for it, hope you find it, and keep looking towards the future.

Rest in peace Vince.