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To Live is To Exist

Life has open pathways and endless oceans, but somehow we choose to make our own path. One of the most questioned parts of our existence is what we’re put here on Earth for. It’s a terrifying thought knowing our lives are finite. It’s the question that keeps me up at night when sleep is rare and the thoughts are neverending.

As many of my friends would argue, live life as it comes. Live in the moment as some would say. While common to hear, it provides little comfort and no answers. Right or wrong, it’s a lack luster response to the problem of knowing we all will eventually leave this land and be nothing more than memories to those who have yet to succumb to the eternal slumber.

One of my co-workers is approaching retirement and I’ve asked him something along these lines. Purpose when there seemingly isn’t one. A destination when so many wander aimlessly. By his account, he’s suprised he’s where he is today. A family man, with a wife and children to his name. He has owned multiple homes and properties in his life time — often remiscing of the past and times long gone.

I find the elderly remarkable. Their wisdom is far and many. Their words distinct and concise. Through out all of human history, people have come to make a name for themselves — not like the fame or notoriety our current generation of social media celebrities so eager seek. It’s not what I want or feel anyone before the age of 30 should seek. I consider it the greatest distraction society faces — one sided affection when no one at the other end of the glowing screen could care or help you when it matters.

My thoughts on the current state of society has remained the same. We all too often distract ourselves with content high in shallowness and of little value. Meaningless interactions with others who are nothing more than images projecting themselves to occupy our short attention span.

In a world so addicted to obsurd, what time we have here is lost to distractions. The solution is simple — stop. Look at the person in front of you. Acknowledge their presence and fully interact one-on-one. Since when was the digital and non-physical so important to ignore the people around you? Families do it with their children eating at restaurants. Lovers to each other on a night out. We as people exist to foster relationships through words, actions, and contact. How we’ve come to shield ourselves from normal human behavior is a sign of of the greatest ill we have towards society. Love to love, be loved and hope there’s another waiting for you.

Later world.

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For Now and Always

I wouldn’t necessarily say you need a global pandemic to make you reevaluate your priorities, but with all the free time I have to myself, it seems prudent. Life the past few years has been fairly strong and quite goal oriented. Whether I’m motivated by the forces that are intrinsic is up for debate. I sometimes have this nagging reminder in the back of my mind of how far behind I once was that gives an extra push when the times are difficult.

I like a challenge and everyone should be weary of a life of ease and handouts. It’s not fulfilling and lacks the sweet feeling of a plan coming to fruition. I have all these bookmarks in my memory of days or weeks where I felt I was struggling and drowning from the forces of life. Yet, miraculously, here I am — barely with a scratch to be seen. This is metaphorically the value of perseverance in life’s unending dash through discovery. Goals have endings, but the journey continues.

I’ve written some five hundred plus entries in this online journal detailing my bouts of ups and downs. Some are sad. Some are joyful. Others the bitter feeling of disappointment. In the end, I find it incredibly refreshing to let it all be known to friends new, far and unknown.

I’m truthfully hopeful there’s more to be accomplished and self-reflect on. There is no end and I can only assume there’s someone out there on this Earth who shares the same sentiments and values. That would be a delight unmatched to any feeling the human body can feel and experience.

Perhaps I am a bit odd and different in the ways life affects me. Change with the times and see to it tomorrow is new and exciting. Different yet unknown. Feelings of the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Time has never felt so still and all I can think of is the next sunset that captures my sight or the darkness that brings another moon.

The curtain falls and with that — applause. Later world.

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Thankfully (Not Yet)

Honestly, I needed to learn to be a bit more content with life. The lingering feeling of never having enough only makes life more depressing. I’m probably crazy — right? Last year was great and much was accomplished in the self-improvement realm and career wise. I feel so caught up in the fast lane, the days all feel like a never ending blur. It’s the long exposure that fails to fully capture the moment. The streaks of light from cars on the freeway in Downtown. I’m still and everyone is moving all around me like one of those cliche b-rolls on YouTube.

In the never ending expanse of life with limitless possibilities of where I can end up, is this not bothersome to think about? Live in the moment as some would say, but without the guiding light, you might spend all life wandering. Fuck that — however terrifying that can be.

I’ve changed my hair, my car, my attitude — but what next?

Later world.

 

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The Broken Mirror

I’ll be honest, I’m nowhere near perfect. In my head, it’s a population for one and nobody else. I find myself so caught up in redundant or depressed emotions, I fall right off the map and continue spiraling. Fuck me. Fuck this. And fuck our capacity to make our own unique thoughts. The very enemy to your own mental health is your head and what goes on in there is for an audience of one.

I don’t think I truly knew what it meant to be depressed until a few years ago. I once blamed it on my dead end job and co-workers whom all hated my existence. Naturally, you find yourself failing and loathing the days. Yet, as you make your way up the hill and atop the mountain, you’re still missing that elusive feeling of happiness. Shit fucking sucks and it’s unexpected.

I call my more recent years ‘the search for happiness’. Admission made. Guilty as charged. Often, I think I discovered the next thing or person that would bring me happiness but I’m dumb as fuck and quickly realize I’m mistaken. What’s the deal? No one person will equate you to being happy. Not the love of your life nor a vault filled to the ceiling with hundred dollar bills.

Take a look in the mirror. Can’t we all say we know what we’re looking for? What we yearn and want? What we envy until it becomes jealousy? I despise my own family for the years of torment and suffering at their hands, but hating for the length of your life isn’t healthy or the correct path. I accept them for who they are and what they’ve become. Love and family aren’t on that list.

I want to be loved and to have the family that I oh so envy every time I’m invited over to a friend’s house. How I’ll find it is unknown and won’t be quick and easy. Some days I’m day dreaming for it and that’s quite alright.

Later world.

 

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Endlessly

I’m endlessly searching

Like a bandaid for tomorrow,

From dusk to noon,

As if you were calling,

Was the moments of a dream,

Like fading pictures of the mind,

Can it really be real,

Since you haven’t been calling,

I hear a voice of an echo,

A ghost that has yet to go,

A soul that lingers,

But all for my troubles,

Could you tell me your problems,

What keeps you in the morning,

Is it the feelings that are calling,

Keeping us from tomorrow,

Has time since fallen,

Endless shadows or a mourning,

My eyes have yet to let go,

For my hearts not worth solving,

Can we find each other tomorrow,

Of the times that have fallen,

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Once Was…

I gaze across the meadow of everglades,

Flowers as far the eye can see,

That girl from a thousands moons — gone and came,

Starstruck by her beauty and the country sea,

She left my side and away from dreams,

Take me back to the summer that was long ago,

Ride into the sunset that has yet to go,

Her voice has gone yet the howl of an echo stays,

Tormenting the soul that yearns for more,

—–

Reach into the past and hold on for time,

Laughter, hugs, the feelings were mine,

I missed the smile of a thousand rose,

The road that was walked — hands to hold,

—–

My dearly beloved, the ocean is vast,

I set forth in searching without a path,

Into the darkness and the seven seas,

Castaway on an island without you and me,

On the loneliness of night, we gaze into the moon,

Bright and glowing until gone too soon,

Stars in the skies tell no lies,

Yet the heart tells truths no matter the tide,

—–

I can hear your voice til time will end,

Hoping and wishing for you again,

Believe me then and believe me now,

I wonder where you are so hear me call,

—–

I’m sick with love and butterflies within,

Humming and flying for you again,

You’ve all since said bye and for that we’ll cry,

For the time that was just you and I