Depression? Gone

Quite frankly, I used to get depressed on a semi-regular bases. Now, I don’t.

Ever since I had my car accident last year which left me with a concussion and several other bruises, my perspective seems to have changed. While I’m sad my first car was totaled and the minor expenses I paid for my overnight hospital visit, it changed me for the better.

I’m fairly mindful of my life and would sit around lost in my own thoughts. Even though this year has been terrible being on lockdown, I’ve barely felt it affect me. I like how I feel now and my God am I thankful to still be around.

Now if only my damn car insurance wasn’t so fucking high every month. You win some. You lose some.

Bum Da Da Bum

The day after Fourth of July is distinctive. The lingering smell of gun powder in the air and sudden silence of my surroundings brings back many fond memories as a kid. I used to like loud explosions, but now find it such an annoyance that my ears need a mute button. This month is quite lackluster and I’m often met with too much downtime. Some call it another lazy Sunday — I just can’t stand it.

Earlier this month, I moved a large portion of assets into a trust to be locked away for the next six years. By that time I’ll be thirty-five and teetering on old age that would surely force thoughts of adulthood and relationships I’ve been putting off. The current self couldn’t be bothered with the troubles of a committed relationship and the freedom that type of life brings. I’ll have to consider being tied down — how unsettling.

Whatever the next chapter brings, it’s best to consider ways to get there. Love is fickle. Relationships are complicated. My life is rather busy. And my priorities are constantly shifting. I envy those who have it all together younger than older. There’s a sense of fulfillment and destiny that people in my position don’t have just yet.

Later world.

The Reality of 2020

This entire year feels like a complete failure. COVID derailed all of my plans and then some. Every forecast for what this year could has been missed. I just accept the harsh reality of what this year entails and unfortunately, it feels like it’s getting worse each passing day.

The reality of life is simple: expect not it to go according to plan. I feel like I’m just 70% there and I’m often forgetting the most mundane of tasks. I feel on edge and most people I interact with can see it. Save me? No. Worry about yourself. I’m just honest about it.

Mix an ongoing pandemic with civil unrest and you have by far one of the most unruly times in recent memory. To everyone who feels let down and disappointed, I’m here right with you. The world is chaotic and I’m looking for mercy, not a resolve.

Later world.

Midway 2020

Half of the year flew by. I’m a little surprised, a bit concerned, but life goes on. I haven’t preoccupied any of time with matters outside my own. I think it’s only the sane thing to do where there’s images and videos of civil unrest throughout the world.

Here’s where the year stands so far in my world:

– Exponentially increased the size of investments by a few hundred percent (up 20% overall). Amazon at $3K by end of the year.

– No debt! I have my car payment and insurance, but I can knock this out the way before years end if I wanted to.

– Plans to buy a house in Portland, Oregon. This is elaborate to say the least. Home prices in Portland can get me a 3 bedroom house for what a low priced condo costs here. I’ll buy the house and rent it out for income. This sounds doable, but logistically a nightmare.

– I helped out at least 5 people without any consideration for anything in return. I’m proud of this. I genuinely like it when friends come to me asking for help and I can do it. Feels good!

– Some friends far away smiled big and hard and I did that. Be me. Be kind.

Later world.

Words, They Hurt Me

In the lifetime I’ve been alive, I can always recall some of the most painful words ever spoken to me.

“We can still be friends.”

“We had a nice run…”

“I never loved you.”

“Did you hear about grandpa?”

Such feelings are shared between people. Sadness, grief and the feeling that overcomes you. It pulls at your heart strings and hums of a tune you wish not to know. Unsurprisingly, those feelings lose their intensity as time passes, but the thought alone triggers them. Now, just a lingering itch from a time that felt so long ago.

Later world.

Easier Then & Now

Life seemed some much simpler just a few years ago. My main concern was how I was going to dig myself out of the massive amount of debt I accumulated and it alone was singular. Fast forward to now, I worry about too many things and fear not reaching my goals.

I’m certain my friends don’t share my feelings about living and pursuing all interests that lead the land of promise. Even so, I can’t help but wonder if I’m living up to my true potential. You can judge a person on their goals and aspirations, but how they plan on reaching them says volumes about their ability to be successful.

I don’t care what others may think, yet, the days feel like a never ending battle against mediocrity. I’ve done this, done that, and overcame it — what’s next for me? If the goal in life is to prosper and live a fulfilling life, I’m probably imagining there’s some finish line to this journey.

I have to ask myself what is it I want out of all of this. Money? Companionship? Family? Those are needed and although the thought of having it all is reassuring, the means to get them isn’t. I see a lot of mistakes with my own family and the consequences they must deal with. I’m only streering myself away from the same miserable fate.

2020 is the worst year yet, but not by my hands or chosing. I feel all this free time with my thoughts has started to make me reevaluate my needs, wants and desires. I can’t say I’m closer to having all the answers life throws at me. Until then, I hope to be a person of compassion and make an impact however small it may be.

Later world.

Next Stop: Tomorrow

For some time I’ve been searching,

Minutes to eleven and the feelings are hurting,

Where had it gone, but so undeserving,

My eyes drift down as it’s worsening,

Tell all lies and I’ll be searching,

The feelings of past and yours be hurting,

Save me now and all that’s deserving,

I’ll be downing in air praying it’s not worsening,


Why do days feel longer the more you think? My entire mind is a replay and some days it’s never ending. Your eyes keep wandering and ears more acute. Falling leaves, the brightest sun and the sensation of everything around me suddenly feels like I’m lost in reality.

Los Angeles $$$

Los Angeles is all I know. I distinctly remember walking around downtown as a kid seeing all the tall skyscrapers and being at awe at the marvelous concrete jungle. The bustle of the city allured me then, but now I’m indifferent about life here.

My biggest complaint here is the high cost of living. Last I checked, I’m doing pretty well for myself, but your money goes quickly putting a roof over your head. You can save a bit by cooking more and budgeting, but there’s no escaping the costs associated here. If I could permanently work remotely, I would leave for another state or city in a heartbeat.

I feel I more or less recovered from the market crash and all my investments are in the green. I’m thankful, but seeing as how your livelihood hangs on a thread when there’s an outbreak doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t feel secure even with the nest egg I have and that shouldn’t be the case.

If everything plans out, I’ll have six figures saved up in various places ready to cash out for my house or condo. It’s the American dream. One that’s expensive, riddled with liabilities, and logically the next step in my life. It begs the question, would I do it?

I’ve been constantly thinking about this plan for a few years now and I’ve only err on the side of caution than my usual relentless optimism. Times like this I wish I wasn’t alone with just my thoughts. A second opinion helps and I’d imagine I could be quickly pushed the other way.

The path less traveled is the one walked alone and I feel I’ve only had a string of successes to push on forward. I know I could just live everyday as it comes but life comes as you fast and the better you have an idea of where you want to be, the less likely you’ll be just another ant in this world.

I don’t want to be just another person drifting. The days feel longer now that we’re on lockdown. My thoughts cascade into one another and my mood is slowly falling. I can almost hear my own heartbeat on some days. There’s a rhythm to life and right now, I’m off beat.

Later world.

Focus

In times like what the world is facing, it’s best to stay focused on yourself and tune out all the noise. The world is in a state of chaos and disarray, but putting too much attention to events outside of your control isn’t productive or positive for your mental health. I had the local news playing in the background and while it is informative to hear how the pandemic is panning out, majority of what’s reported is fear mongering. I don’t believe this is going to end any time soon, but engulfing yourself in fear ridden news is not wanted or necessary.

The year is almost half over. While it wasn’t the best year I’ve had in recent memory, there were a number of highlights and accomplishments. I bought a new car, paid off all my credit card and student loan debt, and have the least number of liabilities since I’ve been out of school. I still have my job and business is still good relative to current affairs. There’s a lot to be thankful for and I need to remember where I stand in the present. I feel like the immovable rock on the coast being battered with waves. I won’t find myself being swept off into sea any time soon.

I have another chapter to fill, a bit this time, heavily edited and redacted. Bigger more grand goals fell through but it’s not the end of the world. I do me and will continue to do so for as long as I can. Later world.

Uncertainy (Now / Later)

Let’s face it — the economy is fucked. I’ve filed for unemployment for the first time which isn’t the end of the world. I’m getting the max amount every week and the extra funds almost make up for my missed hours. Frankly, I should feel a bit more fortunate given the panicked circumstances.

Just earlier I realized I filed my taxes wrong. I let out a soft but slightly worried “fuck” before hopping on my computer to quickly collect all the missing information. This year, I owed money again, but thankfully, not a terrible sum. I paid the ever so loved IRS and now how to plan a trip outside to the post office. Yikes.

I’ve gotten use to the social distancing and long hours of nothingness. I don’t like it the least bit but the safest thing anyone can do is to stay put. Financially, I’m still on top of the world. I’m come to realize I’m not buying a home in 2022 as originally planned. It sucks immensely, but aggressive deadlines and goals tend to do that.

Mentally, I’ve felt better and had more cheerful thoughts. The idea this could go on all year bothers me. The news everywhere bothers me. Stupid ignorant people who don’t understand the pandemic bother me.

I get it. When in times of distress, a certain subset of the population will do stupid shit. Honestly, people with a collective IQ in the lower percentile can’t be helped. You just have to hope and pray they don’t do too much damage and poison the minds of others. My mother believes the coronavirus was manufacturered by the US to specifically target China and disrupt their economy.

Clearly, she doesn’t understand world affairs. I digress. Tomorrow is Friday — once longed for but now just a name to track the week. Note to self: hang in there. Later world.