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Everyone Disagrees

Today wasn’t the usual cluster fuck Mondays tend to rear it’s serpent head at you. My boss was unusually kind — figures he had some sense knocked into him the previous night. Magical. I know. A new challenge arose today. Everyone disagrees with me around a number of topics. I tend to overshare which leads to dissenting opinions thrown every way. Vulnerability at its finest.

The question tonight is, “If everyone says you’re wrong, are you?” Not necessarily. I find a lot of people jump into a conversation without much constructive criticism. Pick a fight here and there just for shits and giggles. I more than welcome a few off color back handed jokes at my expense. Everyone gets a much needed laugh in. Does it bother me? Normally, no.

Some days I can barely get a word in when the shots are getting fired in my direction. I don’t understand why to some, realizing I just don’t agree is possible. Everyone wants to be right, which says too much about their character and overly large egos. Last I remember, I’m the most college educated person in the office. Somehow, of they insist they are right, by virtue, they are.

Ha. I honestly need to shut the fuck up about my life some days. Not too many people care to divulge what is happening in their lives — however bland, boring, or disinterested it is. Not all aspects of life are fun and exciting, but if you tell me, I’ll listen. Keyword: intently.

I feel I’m at a crossroad at my life. March in forward where the comfort level is high but the feeling for self-fullfillment is low or opt for plan B into the great unknown. They say much if the furthest depths of the ocean has yet to be discover much less adventured. This is where I am. Propel my tiny ship above the waters into the horizon and fading dawn or down lower looking the treasures fallen below.

Isn’t the magic of living not knowing? That crazy journey of discovery only a temporal feeling? I’ve gotten so accustomed to my current lifestyle, I feel bored. This job is cushy, but unrewarding. Part of the problem is the eight plus hours I spend sitting at my desk staring aimlessly into the glow of my computer. The work is only mildly difficult, but my interactions with others are far and few. I talk so much and yet become so quiet when the bustle of ringing phones and keyboards clack away. It’s trance enducing and my God, I fucking hate it.

Funny thing is, every beginning of each new month, I write a few more goals I hope to reach. Break a habit here, learn a new fact there, but always strive for greatness. In the eyes of many, maybe they think I have it all together. That confidence that comes with never being without an answer or the possessions I own. Idolized I feel like I’ve becomed, yet the curtain falls slowly as the week goes by.

All that is new is exciting. The normal nine to five routine isn’t. I love all beginnings, yet the ending inches closer and I’m powerless to stop it. Maybe I ought to go out and see the world more. Travel until my money runs dry. See the world anew and move myself out of my comfort zone. I want a new perspective and yet my priorities never meet past, present, or future.

The sun rises every day and I hope and pray the shadow doesn’t eclipse me. Later world.

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Dreams, Meet Reality

Not too long ago, I had not the slightest idea what I was doing with my life and it didn’t scare me the least bit. Wandering is as much a part of life as finding your path among the chaos and darkness you encounter. With some effort involved and a bit of chance, I stumbled onto where I am now. Soon to be 28 with a good sizable number assets and goals reached. Fortunate is the word.

Back in high school, I couldn’t give two fucks about what the future held, mines, theirs or yours for that matter. It’s an interesting predicament I was in to care so little and not have the urgency to want to do more. Perhaps it was necessary to evaluate the goals I so helplessly lacked or send me to the bottom with just one option — an ultimatum by some. Some consider it a last resort.

I didn’t follow the crowd or do what everyone else wanted me to do or become. Call it the teenage rebellious years littered with anst and dread many movies like to stereotype, yet, it was true. My world came crashing and hard without anyone by my side to pull me from the drowning. I sank into the abyss but only managed to find myself cast ashore on a island for one. How eloquent, yet unbashful to admit. I fucked up and paid a price.

Some goals need reevaluating. You tend to be so narrow minded from your current perspective you fail to see other options and paths worth pursuing. I was nobody with nothing to my name, but I at least realized it. It’s sad, disheartening, and shameful to see everyone progressing further with their lives while you see yourself falling into the shadows you find solace in.

I was comfortable not caring, but I knew at least a few people close to me cared — cared enough to tell me in person and privately. For that, I’m blessed and felt less on my own and closer to the light — however dim it may seem from a distance. All I needed was to have a small glimmer and urgency to move forward. No matter what direction life could take me, I knew I had one motion in view and it was forward. Move onwards and don’t look back. You can call it my secret rule of life I never mention publicly to anyone except the tiny voice in my head.

College had its fair share of highs and bottomly lows, but I remained persistent. I fell in love a few times and felt the sting of the dagger through the heart relationships can bring. Yet, I found it just as important as the feelings and emotions love entails. I learned about myself and my intentions. Better yet, I realized if I was ready to love someone when loving myself was just as important. Love, for that reason, is not just singular and far from it.

With all the pain you endure in life, it tests your ability to see the light and find means of coping by yourself. Pain is unwanted, persistent, and long lasting. I found myself cracking a bottle daily and lost in the sweet bliss illicit substances bring. It’s the bitter-sweet allure of being torn between wanting to feel better, but losing yourself in the addiction numbness has over yourself. Escapism is met with more than one avenue. Naturally, not every door is one you should leave open.

Just as the doors open, they close and become boarded up with a handful of skeletons in the closet. Hidden from the world but not out of mind. I learned about self-forgiveness and how the untamed urges can lead to self-harm. I bare no scars from this era, only mental footnotes of just how far I was willing to push my luck every night.

I did a number of things over the years that would disappoint and raise a few eyebrows. That can never be undone. I’ve hurt others and felt pain myself. I can admit not every action can be undone or be forgiven for. I felt bad then but now it’s merely a speck of sand at the bottom of the hour glass.

My name is Daniel — welcome to my world.

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I Am Me

I had an interesting chat with my dentist today. In the chaos of all the drilling, scraping, and high frequency sounds, he asked how I’ve been since the last time I was here. So, I told him all the “upgrades” I’ve done since then.

  • Laser eye surgery
  • Two tattoos
  • Two incomes
  • Etc.

He found it amazing I’m someone to go out of his way to spend so much on myself — all in the name of self-improvement. The best thing I heard was, “Dude, it’s sick you’re working on yourself.” He’s a young guy. It kind of shook me a bit to hear him say that. He remembered I told him what my goals were last year and I followed through with each one. I guess you can say it is unusual and an accomplishment in it itself.

I’ve always told myself I should do as I please without second guessing myself. It’s my life after all and I shouldn’t worry what anyone thinks or believes. If they don’t like it, then who cares. I can’t expect everyone to support everything I do. You’re bound to have a few haters in the mix. I am me. I do what I want. You can hate it or love it.

One of the best pieces of advice I’ve gotten was, “Don’t take yourself too seriously. You’re bound to be disappointed.” I think it’s true. Life has a way of throwing too much at you. Before you know it, a few series of misfortunes overshadows the prior successes and happiness it brought. Shit happens, but it’s better overall if you know where you’re coming from. It’s been an interesting ride the past several years. It feels like every couple years I’m going out of my way to reinvent myself. I’m searching for how to define myself as an individual. Some years are more difficult than others. Some days I fall back on old habits. Overall, I’m headed up, closer to the stars and moon.

Worst I can do is stay still. Just try and stop me. I don’t have a finish line and I’ve stopped caring about the destination. I’m enjoying the journey of life how I want. And you know what? It feels great. Wish everyone else could too. Later world.

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Shifting Priorities

I’ve noticed with each passing year, my priorities have shifted a lot. I used to think money was the end all and was a bit misguided to think so. I spent several years like this and came to realize this wasn’t the least bit correct. Money is important, but it’s not a magic bandaid for all your problems or your family.

It’s one of the main reasons why I majored in psychology. I had two reasons: I could pursue a career in helping others and also figure out what makes me tick inside. I’ve wondered what makes me go and if the thoughts and feelings I had were unique or common. For this reason, I’ve felt odd when I was a teenager. It wasn’t your typical teenage angst you see so much with everyone. I felt an overwhelming sense of isolation and loneliness. I wanted deeper insight into myself and answers for questions I wasn’t entirely ready to ask.

It’s one of the best things I ever did for myself. I found the light and felt less terrified for why I felt this way. Why things the way they were with my family. The odd behaviors my parents have. The dynamics of their often troubled relationship I’ve grown accustomed to seeing. It all made sense after a while. Much to my surprise, I figured out I wasn’t crazy for thinking this way. They are as they always will be — summarizing six years of schooling in that subject.

I’m not alone.

The last several years haven’t been a walk in the park. I’ve had three relationships come and go. Those select women whom I used to love taught me a lot about myself. Learning to self-accept, learning to better listen, learning to take responsibility for my actions, and more importantly, finding a path to self-improvement. We didn’t always agree on every topic — which is something I’m thankful for. It turns out having someone who always agrees does you no good. I get turned off and somewhat suspicious when I date and hear yeses and mmhmms. I tend to think it’s lacking in sincerity. All I’m looking for is that — honesty.

Last year, I took it upon myself to write more — both here and whatever scraps of paper I have with me at the coffee shop. I’ve come to like it a great deal not for just better articulating my thoughts into words, but finding it to be therapeutic. I appreciate alone time more. I still have a tendency to edit after a blog post is made or worse, convince myself it has to be deleted. I’m working on that and hope to be less of a critic to myself.

This year, I’m hopeful it’s like every other year. One of personal fulfillment, goals being met, shared experiences with those I hold dear, and to not repeat the same mistakes from the past. I’m only human. I’m imperfect. I strive to be the best person I can be. If I know this and hold myself up to this standard, I’ll feel less anxious, less worried, more relaxed, and remain optimistic for my future.

The future is met with unknowns. Who knows who I’ll end up or where I’ll end up. I try to be consistent and relentlessly give others the time and attention they deserve. It might be one of the best qualities about myself if I am going to be a bit less modest.

It doesn’t deter me and shouldn’t anyone for that matter.

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Danny vs. Daniel

I tend to view myself as two people of the same self. There’s who I was versus who I want to be. Essentially, Daniel vs. Danny.

To some, this makes no sense. Now let me explain. Danny parties hard, gave no fucks about consequences, and had a disregard for the well-being of others and himself. Shocking, I know. Daniel more or less has his shit together. He’s ambitious, driven, motivated, and had a clear understanding for what his future holds. Many friends and coworkers admire this person. Some fear it with a bit of apprehension and intimidation. So be it.

You can say, Danny aspires to be like Daniel. Call it Dr. Jekyll vs. Mr. Hide or the angel on a shoulder vs. the devil on other. For quite some time, Daniel has won over Danny. Amazing — yet terrifying to think about. Somehow, there are two conflicting persons within in the same body.

As they say, old habits die hard. The old life is just that, who I was. You can say, for the time being, it’s been a battle against the other half. As if this wasn’t a source of contention among the host body. Believe me, it is.

Most who get a glimpse of the other half feel the savagery it encompasses. Be warned, proceed with caution. Best I can do is keep it under check. Everyone is fighting with their former self. I’m no stranger to it. If you get offended, I’m sincerely sorry you’ve had to experience it.

Later world. Danny out.

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All the More Reason 1/20/2019

I find set backs to be less debilitating now that I’m use to them — I expect it. After all, you can’t plan for everything that comes flying towards your way. Some days, you get blind sighted. Ouch. On some nights, you do some things — things not to your well-being. Self-harm, self-destruction, whatever. Old habits come back with a vengeance and you’re left fighting with your former self. You’re always fighting with your old self, just some times you’re on the losing end. That’s alright actually. At least you know you’re putting up a fight and trying. Most don’t try. Don’t be like them.

I’ve always wondered how my life would be had I given up. Where would I be, who would I meet, what would I do? The greatest unknown is who am I? Searching for your own self-identity is met with a few bumps and bruises. Maybe a visit to the emergency room or a few near-death experiences knock some sense into you. I’ve downplayed the severity of my past behavior a great deal. Often enough, I’ve used it as self-deprecating humor to make light of a traumatic experience. In the end, everyone listening gets a few good laughs and I can put that behind me. Shit happens and will continue to happen for the foreseeable future. Best anyone can do is to move forwards. Three steps forward and two steps back is still a step in any direction.

I did my taxes recently. It’s one thing for your friends and co-workers to tell you you’re doing alright in life, but it never clicks in my head — which I believe is what really matters. You yourself has to see it. Who gives a shit what other people tell you. My income has risen exponentially year-after-year since I started working after college. It’s nice to see and know, but more money doesn’t make me any happier. Money is important and you need it to make it in the world. It makes the world go round, however, it is not the end all. I wish I knew this about ten years ago, but no matter. You need to learn from your mistakes.

For my age, my credit score is a cool 40 points higher than the average. My debt to income ratio is lower than the average too. I’m in the top 1% of millennials — who gives a shit. I guess that means I’m financially stable to some extent. I have this long spreadsheet of all the times I spent money on drugs, alcohol, and clubs I keep to the side as a little reminder of what not to do. Considering the total is in the thousands, I think I’m alright now. I had my fun and now I want nothing to do with that lifestyle. The money is gone, but I’m better now than I have been ever in life. For that, I’m thankful — quite thankful.

2019: remain thankful.

Self-improvement doesn’t come in large leaps. Baby steps are needed before you reach the other side. I don’t need anyone to help me get up when I fall. Take the road less traveled and hope you make it in one piece. Who really knows what they’re doing in life anyway. I do me and I don’t expect everyone to support all my endeavors or figure out what makes me tick.

Later world.

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Two-Faced

We are constantly in battle with our two selves — the light and the dark. Good and evil. The angel on one end and the devil on the other. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I know this to be true because we have all done wrong at one point. Evil is a necessary force driving reality. We strive to be more good than bad — however intrinsically true that may be. Most only show one side of themselves — think of Facebook as the best example. It’s essentially your friend’s greatest hits in digitally digestible form. We forget they only show the best of them and it’s far from a true representation of their real lives.

Jekyll_and_Hyde_Title

The greatest evil one faces is the battle you and yourself. Who am I? I can pinpoint various states of myself. One year I was this person, a studious, and hard working individual. Another, I was reckless, disillusioned, and overcome with fear of the looming end that awaited — that feeling of emptiness lurking within. My co-workers know this to be true. They hear of the old self and wonder how this person is presented in front of them — a real far cry from the past. This isn’t without its consequences.

There’s who I am now battling against who I once was — its a state of constant unrest in the mind. Perhaps many sleepless nights and states of insomnia can be attributed to this dilemma. Only you can chose who you are, yet the old self is hard to let go, but not invincible. You can be anything you want to be, but for some it’s,

“I’ll be anything you want me to be.”

It begs the question, “Am I how I am now because I want to be or of what others think I should be?” Issues of self identity are constantly on the horizon. To make a name for yourself and to be somebody now rather than later is important. It makes the mundane have purpose as every action is now purposeful and with merit.

I wear many masks. Some more than others.

Later world.