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Love and This Year

2020 is quite unusual. Pandemic aside, I didn’t fall head over heels in love and I didn’t date anyone new. I blame COVID for the lack of feelings to be had this year, but tell me something that isn’t already obvious. It’s strange. Normally, I could list a few good places I’ve been to with the lady or a few new experiences to be shared, but all that came to a halt.

Say it ain’t so. I’ve felt cheapened by the events of this year. Watered down even. The few casual encounters or what I like to call “extracurricular activities” I’ve had with women weren’t too meaningful nor something my mind to fixate on. Let’s not even number the headcount.

Everyone had this haze around them. I don’t blame them nor the constant reminders we’re inching towards a post-apocalyptic world — it can’t be helped. Shit. All I’m looking forward to is Thanksgiving — my all time favorite holiday. I can’t imagine the logistics around it, but I’m dreaming. This can’t all be happening and yet it is.

Later world.

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To Live is To Exist

Life has open pathways and endless oceans, but somehow we choose to make our own path. One of the most questioned parts of our existence is what we’re put here on Earth for. It’s a terrifying thought knowing our lives are finite. It’s the question that keeps me up at night when sleep is rare and the thoughts are neverending.

As many of my friends would argue, live life as it comes. Live in the moment as some would say. While common to hear, it provides little comfort and no answers. Right or wrong, it’s a lack luster response to the problem of knowing we all will eventually leave this land and be nothing more than memories to those who have yet to succumb to the eternal slumber.

One of my co-workers is approaching retirement and I’ve asked him something along these lines. Purpose when there seemingly isn’t one. A destination when so many wander aimlessly. By his account, he’s suprised he’s where he is today. A family man, with a wife and children to his name. He has owned multiple homes and properties in his life time — often remiscing of the past and times long gone.

I find the elderly remarkable. Their wisdom is far and many. Their words distinct and concise. Through out all of human history, people have come to make a name for themselves — not like the fame or notoriety our current generation of social media celebrities so eager seek. It’s not what I want or feel anyone before the age of 30 should seek. I consider it the greatest distraction society faces — one sided affection when no one at the other end of the glowing screen could care or help you when it matters.

My thoughts on the current state of society has remained the same. We all too often distract ourselves with content high in shallowness and of little value. Meaningless interactions with others who are nothing more than images projecting themselves to occupy our short attention span.

In a world so addicted to obsurd, what time we have here is lost to distractions. The solution is simple — stop. Look at the person in front of you. Acknowledge their presence and fully interact one-on-one. Since when was the digital and non-physical so important to ignore the people around you? Families do it with their children eating at restaurants. Lovers to each other on a night out. We as people exist to foster relationships through words, actions, and contact. How we’ve come to shield ourselves from normal human behavior is a sign of of the greatest ill we have towards society. Love to love, be loved and hope there’s another waiting for you.

Later world.

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For Now and Always

I wouldn’t necessarily say you need a global pandemic to make you reevaluate your priorities, but with all the free time I have to myself, it seems prudent. Life the past few years has been fairly strong and quite goal oriented. Whether I’m motivated by the forces that are intrinsic is up for debate. I sometimes have this nagging reminder in the back of my mind of how far behind I once was that gives an extra push when the times are difficult.

I like a challenge and everyone should be weary of a life of ease and handouts. It’s not fulfilling and lacks the sweet feeling of a plan coming to fruition. I have all these bookmarks in my memory of days or weeks where I felt I was struggling and drowning from the forces of life. Yet, miraculously, here I am — barely with a scratch to be seen. This is metaphorically the value of perseverance in life’s unending dash through discovery. Goals have endings, but the journey continues.

I’ve written some five hundred plus entries in this online journal detailing my bouts of ups and downs. Some are sad. Some are joyful. Others the bitter feeling of disappointment. In the end, I find it incredibly refreshing to let it all be known to friends new, far and unknown.

I’m truthfully hopeful there’s more to be accomplished and self-reflect on. There is no end and I can only assume there’s someone out there on this Earth who shares the same sentiments and values. That would be a delight unmatched to any feeling the human body can feel and experience.

Perhaps I am a bit odd and different in the ways life affects me. Change with the times and see to it tomorrow is new and exciting. Different yet unknown. Feelings of the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Time has never felt so still and all I can think of is the next sunset that captures my sight or the darkness that brings another moon.

The curtain falls and with that — applause. Later world.

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The Exit Path

Quite honestly, not everything goes according to plan. But I’m fine with that. Learning to roll with the punches or in my case, a fucking concussion, is all a part of life. My once golden vantage career path has suddenly turned dark and uncertain. Call it bad luck or the sad state of foreign affairs the economy has been enthralled in. Either way, I need plan B.

If you were to ask me what the hell I would be doing for work right out of college, I’d honestly say some dead ass job that barely paid the bills. That wasn’t me being unoptimistic — more so realistic considering I was up to my neck in debt and hopelessly inebriated 24/7. Now that I’m passed that mindset, having other options available when work goes south seems like a constant battle.

In the time I’ve been trying to improve, I’ve come to realize just how swift and sudden you can end up hating the usual 9-5. Some employers use that to their advantage, actually. How fucked up. Hasn’t everyone woke up not wanting to enter the office and dreading the day’s events? Mondays no less. You don’t want to be there and yet you have no choice because of bills and whatever debt life has it’s grasp on your throat.

This entire fucking week, I felt like I was suffocating. How tragic and unsettling. Thankfully, I’m feeling much better now. Sometimes, or a lot of the times, the door isn’t open for you. You have to kick it down and walk right in like you’re wanted and expected. So what if this feels like a set back. I’m just taking it all in and hopefully able to self-reflect in the not so distant future.

This week ended on a high note. A welcomed one at that. Later world. Daniel, out.

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Thankfully (Not Yet)

Honestly, I needed to learn to be a bit more content with life. The lingering feeling of never having enough only makes life more depressing. I’m probably crazy — right? Last year was great and much was accomplished in the self-improvement realm and career wise. I feel so caught up in the fast lane, the days all feel like a never ending blur. It’s the long exposure that fails to fully capture the moment. The streaks of light from cars on the freeway in Downtown. I’m still and everyone is moving all around me like one of those cliche b-rolls on YouTube.

In the never ending expanse of life with limitless possibilities of where I can end up, is this not bothersome to think about? Live in the moment as some would say, but without the guiding light, you might spend all life wandering. Fuck that — however terrifying that can be.

I’ve changed my hair, my car, my attitude — but what next?

Later world.

 

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I’m Sorry

Feel sorry for we can’t love,

Not a whisper or cry,

No light above,

You felt so warm and all I was,

Just another soul,

For the time once was,

I had you close and to the night,

Like a prince and forever us,

Hear the cries and see the darkest skies,

Of our time that gone and not enough,

Taken by the man who never must,

I lost you then like just a gust,

If only you what could be us,


Writing a poem is much like a window into the soul. I suppose my own is more open to digging and searching. Words don’t always convey the full meaning of how I’m feeling or thinking, but it’s close. We exist to feel and being able to put that into words is an impossible task. I won’t keep trying. All I hope for is a random spark or two in the night,

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Letting Go: Anger, Resentment & Solace

People tend to tell me a lot of things. It’s one of the caveats to being a trusted confidant when you yourself is so open about your life — both successes and failures. I have a co-worker who has told me much about her past — mainly the not so delightful relationships she’s encountered with some men. It’s tragic in many ways to hear how wronged she was, but nevertheless, life goes on. Or does it?

I’ve noticed she, like many others, hold a lot of hostility from their past grievances with their partners.

Fuck him.

It’s a abundantly clear time has not yet simmered down their feels for that person. But it should. I’d be hard pressed to believe the other party even thinks of them as negatively as they do or preoccupy so much of their mind. In other words, don’t give them anymore or your time, if they likely don’t have a thought of yours.

Letting go is one of the few things in life only accomplished the long and difficult way. No amount of reading or advice makes it easier or faster. It’s the loudspeaker in your head that becomes deafening at high volumes. At the beginning, you’re engulfed in chaotic noise, but with some time, it should be no more than a annoying buzz. It might be a oversimplification of the processes that make bad thoughts become easier, but I hope the idea is there.

I’ve have a few bad times. Several years have passed and it’s no more than just an inconvenience I faced relative to where I am now. There were times I was wronged, belittled, attacked, and berated, but coming to terms with what transpired made it all better. I can’t say there’s a path one can take to find inner peace with themselves or let go of the past that so easily makes a return, but anything less is a life of hardship and turmoil. Skeletons in the closet should remain boarded shut and forgotten. Time waits for no one. Might as well see the light — find it now rather than never.

I can say with all sincerity I harbor no negative feelings for anyone no matter what transpired previously. The journey of life is perilous and all I can do is take each day with a new perspective. It’s all about how you perceive it — positivity is medicine for all wounds — physical and emotional.

I don’t hate, I don’t despise, and I sure don’t anchor on to any point in the past. By some stroke of fate my time here is cut short and I’m moments from leaving this realm, I know I’ll calmly close my eyes and feel at peace with the world. I don’t need a last minute confession or a few last words. That is not how I or anyone should go out.

See life for what it is. To some it’s a journey. To me is a voyage at sea. No matter what, find solace and let go. Later world.

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Day Dreams et al

Let me take you on a journey across the sea,

Over the hills and through the forest,

Into the unknown without a map,

Leave our guide to the stars above,

Look into the fog and through the haze,

What is a living for tomorrow without now?

 

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What is Love

Today was my court hearing, which entails waking up earlier than usual, wearing a suit, and feeling a high level of stress. While I was seated waiting for my name to be called, I saw this elderly couple next to me.

Their hair was grey, skin was wrinkly, and time had made its mark on their body. The husband gave his wife a piece of candy. Surprised, she gave him a smile and shared a moment. Somehow, just like that, my day seemed less dull and terrible.

I witnessed an act of love.

I like to think I’m pretty observant of people’s behavior. How two people express love has always intrigued me. I can’t say I know what love is. Hollywood has their conception of love, but it’s far from the reality. What happens after? I’m still trying to find an answer, but today gave me hope.

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Are You… 1/1/2019

You’re running in my mind

Racing through my heart,

Jump into the waters,

Let the currents flow deeper,


Is it a dream for the ages?

Can it really be you?

I sense the torment within,

Beating beating for an end,


Is it love for a story or music for the soul?

Can we hold on longer and dream without a fear?

I look into your eyes,

The warmest of summer,

What is it your searching?

Deeper deeper within,


I held on a little longer,

The clock ticks passed 12,

The sounds of the coldest evening,

Howling in night,


I listen for your voice,

It’s a symphony or more,

I watch as we ponder,

What we are for meaning,


It’s a song like no other,

Two souls alone,

Fearing for the future,

Yet searching for a reason,


I’ve been longing for another,

The angel of my dreams,

The wings into the heavens,

Come reaching down for me,


Can our feelings run deeper,

Flowing from within,

Can she really be searching?

Two lost souls with a grievance