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IDGAF

Everyone loves to criticize without much thought to why or when. Talking shit is a way of life for some, but don’t let it deter you from your own motives or goals. Rarely, will someone truly understand where you’re headed or coming from. Tune out their bullshit and focus on yourself.

You is what matters. Don’t lose out on your own happiness by letting others steer you off course. A road traveled alone is better than a stadium of enemies.

To everyone who doesn’t understand or can’t see it for themselves, fuck you. I don’t give a fuck.

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The Broken Mirror

I’ll be honest, I’m nowhere near perfect. In my head, it’s a population for one and nobody else. I find myself so caught up in redundant or depressed emotions, I fall right off the map and continue spiraling. Fuck me. Fuck this. And fuck our capacity to make our own unique thoughts. The very enemy to your own mental health is your head and what goes on in there is for an audience of one.

I don’t think I truly knew what it meant to be depressed until a few years ago. I once blamed it on my dead end job and co-workers whom all hated my existence. Naturally, you find yourself failing and loathing the days. Yet, as you make your way up the hill and atop the mountain, you’re still missing that elusive feeling of happiness. Shit fucking sucks and it’s unexpected.

I call my more recent years ‘the search for happiness’. Admission made. Guilty as charged. Often, I think I discovered the next thing or person that would bring me happiness but I’m dumb as fuck and quickly realize I’m mistaken. What’s the deal? No one person will equate you to being happy. Not the love of your life nor a vault filled to the ceiling with hundred dollar bills.

Take a look in the mirror. Can’t we all say we know what we’re looking for? What we yearn and want? What we envy until it becomes jealousy? I despise my own family for the years of torment and suffering at their hands, but hating for the length of your life isn’t healthy or the correct path. I accept them for who they are and what they’ve become. Love and family aren’t on that list.

I want to be loved and to have the family that I oh so envy every time I’m invited over to a friend’s house. How I’ll find it is unknown and won’t be quick and easy. Some days I’m day dreaming for it and that’s quite alright.

Later world.

 

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Letting Go: Anger, Resentment & Solace

People tend to tell me a lot of things. It’s one of the caveats to being a trusted confidant when you yourself is so open about your life — both successes and failures. I have a co-worker who has told me much about her past — mainly the not so delightful relationships she’s encountered with some men. It’s tragic in many ways to hear how wronged she was, but nevertheless, life goes on. Or does it?

I’ve noticed she, like many others, hold a lot of hostility from their past grievances with their partners.

Fuck him.

It’s a abundantly clear time has not yet simmered down their feels for that person. But it should. I’d be hard pressed to believe the other party even thinks of them as negatively as they do or preoccupy so much of their mind. In other words, don’t give them anymore or your time, if they likely don’t have a thought of yours.

Letting go is one of the few things in life only accomplished the long and difficult way. No amount of reading or advice makes it easier or faster. It’s the loudspeaker in your head that becomes deafening at high volumes. At the beginning, you’re engulfed in chaotic noise, but with some time, it should be no more than a annoying buzz. It might be a oversimplification of the processes that make bad thoughts become easier, but I hope the idea is there.

I’ve have a few bad times. Several years have passed and it’s no more than just an inconvenience I faced relative to where I am now. There were times I was wronged, belittled, attacked, and berated, but coming to terms with what transpired made it all better. I can’t say there’s a path one can take to find inner peace with themselves or let go of the past that so easily makes a return, but anything less is a life of hardship and turmoil. Skeletons in the closet should remain boarded shut and forgotten. Time waits for no one. Might as well see the light — find it now rather than never.

I can say with all sincerity I harbor no negative feelings for anyone no matter what transpired previously. The journey of life is perilous and all I can do is take each day with a new perspective. It’s all about how you perceive it — positivity is medicine for all wounds — physical and emotional.

I don’t hate, I don’t despise, and I sure don’t anchor on to any point in the past. By some stroke of fate my time here is cut short and I’m moments from leaving this realm, I know I’ll calmly close my eyes and feel at peace with the world. I don’t need a last minute confession or a few last words. That is not how I or anyone should go out.

See life for what it is. To some it’s a journey. To me is a voyage at sea. No matter what, find solace and let go. Later world.

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To Be Lost, Heartbroken and Suffer

Life has a way of throwing a lot at you at once. Suffering, heartbreak, tragedy, etc is all within the realm of possibility. Some days, I’ve felt better and wonder why me of all people. But this is necessary when we’re all given the gift of life. To live is to feel and sometimes we must all suffer — even if it seems like there is no end in sight.

My look at the world has always been bright and optimistic, but I wouldn’t want to be shielded from all the ills, vices, and temptations life brings. Reality hurts and I rather firmly put myself out of the Matrix or the Garden of Eden if given the false alternative. A life of nothing but joy and happiness is a lie — the biggest one there is. We all exist to have experiences and not all that we feel will be good ones.

Your closest friends and family are the ones you hold most dear to you. Yet, the reality is they will all go someday — not now but much later. Death comes and goes much like the changing tides or the many phases of the moon. Laughs are shared, hugs are exchanged, and bonds are made knowing one day, the very people that are a part of your memories will go. I’ve always felt knowing we all won’t be around eventually would make us want to get up out of bed and feel the urge to live now — not later. Time is of the essence and it trickles down the spout. It’s a slow leak, but the water will run out.

To some and some months — myself included, the world feels empty and devoid of joy and happiness. It’s all elusive and much like a quest for discovery. We want to be happy, but it never finds us. Some months it quickly goes as soon as you get a taste of it. All good things are only that — temporary. It doesn’t deter me and shouldn’t anyone for that matter. Feel thankful for the days you do feel your absolute best and hope it comes more often. There are billions of people out there who at one point have felt the same way. For that reason, we should never feel alone. We get better eventually. It may not be a full recovery, but behind every sliver of sunlight piercing through the crack, is a bright sun.

Anyone who’s afflicted with sadness, greif, or depression might feel the days are grey and the world is cruel. You’re right actually — the would is cruel. It’s the only honest and correct response for anyone dealing with days, weeks, or months of crippling depression. Thoughts manifest into habits and those habits keep you a prisoner of your own body. Truthfully, some days I dread at the thought of getting up in the morning and having to show myself to the world. Yet, I find the strength to keep pushing forward. I have responsiblies, duties and ambitious goals to accomplish. I’d feel worse knowing they’re slipping from my grasp by feeling sorry for myself. Your view of the world is never accurate to how you’re feeling this way. If you know this, then get up and go about your day. Odds are, it’s not as bad as things seem. Friends, family and co-workers are there and many have words of advice to keep you moving. We’re all interconnected and supported in that regard. That’s the beauty of life — feeling connected.

For some, years might slip by. It’s only inevitable. Most people are on auto-pilot and have no clear direction or idea what their future holds. It’s why I’m so goal oriented. Goals set the future up and with an expectation of it occurring. It grounds you in the present working up towards something you want to happen or transpire. Without goals, I’d be nobody or the person I am today. Give yourself ambitious goals that’s within the realm of possibility. Find all the areas or ways you can be set back and think of alternative solutions. Plan B is needed as is plan C. There will be bumps in the road. All you’re doing is preparing for the journey. It’s not a full trail you’re following in the woods. Some days, you’ll veer off into the wilderness, but you still have an idea of the destination no less.

With every journey, we all get caught up with unhealthy distractions. They’re littered everywhere and at anytime, will try to deter you. Stop to smell the roses. They look beautiful and smell great. Give time to be mindful of where you are and where you want to be. The more mindful one is with their actions and behavior, the more likely they are to reaching the finish line. Two steps forward and one step back is still a step in the right direction.

Some people suffer their entire lives, which is disheartening to think about. My only advice is to take a step back and reevaluate what’s important in your life. Find what makes you sad and by all means, do something about. It’s always easier said than done, but any solution to a problem requires thinking about it. No one likes to think about the very thing that makes them sad or causes issues.

Do I want to admit I have a few issues with addiction? No. Do I want to admit I needed help? No. If I could have it my way, I’d be just an average Joe trying to find his place in the universe, but I’m far from it. I tend to gravitate towards one thing after the other and fall victim to new traps. Shit, everyone does. If you’ve yet to feel depressed for weeks at a time or wake up and tell yourself you fucking hate everything, then my god, you’re just lucky. Life can be a bitch, but how you deal with it makes all the difference. I’m not Superman and my friends have their own issues to deal with. I’m the end, we openly talk about them and give each other a hand.

The world can be a scary and awful place, but there’s two sides to every story. Dark clouds lead to brighter skies. I can’t say I have all the answers or is immune to my list of vices, but I’ll listen to everything my friends tell me and follow their word. Everyday should be looked upon as a chance for self-improvement. Old habits die hard. The feelings that harm you fade. Memories that keep you up at night grow fainter every month. Shit gets better once new experiences take over. No one remembers everything forever.

There are people I miss. Some everyday for almost ten years. There are words I wish I could take back and said differently if given a second chance. There are times I should of stopped myself but didn’t. I’ve let my closest friends down numerous times. Some have cried, felt betrayed and been belittled in my presence. I’ve failed most my life and am racing to undo it all. But this is the nature of living. It’s an imperfect world and truthfully, there’s no better time to be alive than now. Anyone who says or believes differently hasn’t seen the bigger picture.

Live now and not later, but always onwards. Later world.

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Growing Discontentment

discontentment: lack of satisfaction with one’s possessions, status, or situation; lack of contentment.
a) a sense of grievance; dissatisfaction
the winter of our discontent —William Shakespeare
b) restless aspiration for improvement

I’ll call it byproduct of growing older, but nothing seems all that interesting — it’s a little disheartening. I should be excited about life, but I’m not. Discontent. Has abstaining from drugs and alcohol devoid me of any excitement? Shit. Maybe. I’m about to make this company somewhere between 1-3 million dollars a year and I get 3% commission from all online sales. It’s safe to say I’m stuck here for the forseeable future as e-commerce director. Who would complain with sales projections that high? Nada.

I should be thrilled my paycheck is growing in the coming months, but I’m indifferent. Remember what Biggie said, “More money mo’ problems.” Amen to that. It’s true though. The more money you make, the more problems you face. Life is infinitely more complex when there’s more money in the picture. It can only make you so much happiness before it loses its touch. Money stopped making me happy years ago. Now it’s just that number in the five digit range listed under “Savings”. At this rate, I’ll have my own condo in Pasadena in no time. It would be really sexy to tell someone I’m seeing, “Yeah, I bought this place.” That’s the whole idea in a nutshell. Do well enough and show it to someone who may be the future spouse. It’s convoluted, but a man can only go so far with dates and gifts. You’ll need that final push to really win her over — if there is such a thing.

That’s exciting to think about, but with all goals, it’s a bitter sweet feeling. It’s exciting for the anticipation, but bitter sweet having it come to an end. All goals are within reach and if you obsess over them long enough, you’ll find some way to make them reality. It’s not everyday you wake up suddenly and want to buy a condo or a nicer car and as a millennial. Do what makes you happy and full of purpose. Without the motivating drive in life, what is there to living? Self-achievement can’t be overlooked and we must all have our own self-driven goals in mind. Love comes naturally, but determination is self-taught.

Just this week, I’m prepared to spend to the tune of $5000 on laser eye surgery. To be honest, I wanted this done since before high school but never had the means to — until now. I’ve been told by past girl friends I look much better without glasses and I would have to agree. Looks aside, it’s convenient not having to look for them blind as a bat every morning. Is this convenience worth five grand? Maybe, but it’s a special treat for myself. And a permanent one at that. It’s life changing and I can’t wait to get it done next month.

There’s the question about fixing my teeth. My dentist said they’re not even that bad and he assured me he’s seen some bad teeth in his day. All I need is a few cavities fixed, two wisdom teeth pulled, a bleaching, and I’m all set for Invisalign or SmileDirectClub. Once I get them in, in just 6 months of mild discomfort, my teeth will be perfectly straight. It’s shocking to see insurance cover all of this. Just incredible. This will make me vain, but I could care less about someone else’s opinion. I’ll soon fix what made me self-conscious and with that, I’ll become gain a bit more confidence in my appearance. Worst case scenario, I morph into a (bigger) asshole and have my ego take over, but I’ll have my friends to stop me.

I do splurge and on big purchases — and this is somewhat a problem. You inevitably make money to spend money. It’s the lifestyle creep that money brings. I would consider this my downfall — or something I need to work on. Priorities. Did I really need a new fully spec’d out MacBook Pro for work? Arguably, no. Windows is terrible. The keyboard given to me in the office is just awful and makes too many typos. My productivity is at an all time high now and no one can complain about that. Price for better productivity is just a cool $2100. Designer case not included.

The worst part of my week so far is forgetting I already bought new clothes that are on the way and I went and bought another set. Fuck. Me. Did I really need 3 new shirts from J. Crew? Hell no. Did I really need a Kenzo sweater and a Yohji Yamamoto t-shirt? Fuck. No. I can almost hear my friends now, “Must be good being that baller.” Say what they will, I’m trying hard to have a better life for myself. If they only knew how awful it was growing up as poor as my family did. If they only could see the terrible living situation I endured as a kid. I’m getting closer every year — or every day, but so is my discontentment. It’s growing and I hate how I can’t just be content with myself. I have all the fruits of my labor and it’s all within reach. It’s a terrible feeling to know how fortunate you have it, but not feel satisfied. Perhaps there’s more to it and the void is sucking me in closer than I realize.

Later world.