I Met Someone

Ever meet someone not knowing what to expect, but suddenly being lured into the conversation? I love that. I find engaging talks to be the best part about meeting someone new. Not the typical made-up looks so many in our society desire. I think anyone can look good in makeup and a nice set of clothes, but if you peel back the superficial, you want more — a connection.

Call me a hopeless romantic searching for whatever love means in this world, but I desire someone who can hold a conversation. One that is long, engaging, varying in topics, and keeps my ears perked hoping to never miss a word.

This month is alright to put it mildly. Quite possibly the biggest understatement thus far. Later world.

Bum Da Da Bum

The day after Fourth of July is distinctive. The lingering smell of gun powder in the air and sudden silence of my surroundings brings back many fond memories as a kid. I used to like loud explosions, but now find it such an annoyance that my ears need a mute button. This month is quite lackluster and I’m often met with too much downtime. Some call it another lazy Sunday — I just can’t stand it.

Earlier this month, I moved a large portion of assets into a trust to be locked away for the next six years. By that time I’ll be thirty-five and teetering on old age that would surely force thoughts of adulthood and relationships I’ve been putting off. The current self couldn’t be bothered with the troubles of a committed relationship and the freedom that type of life brings. I’ll have to consider being tied down — how unsettling.

Whatever the next chapter brings, it’s best to consider ways to get there. Love is fickle. Relationships are complicated. My life is rather busy. And my priorities are constantly shifting. I envy those who have it all together younger than older. There’s a sense of fulfillment and destiny that people in my position don’t have just yet.

Later world.

Invisible Minds

She can’t see me,

Eyes turned away to deceive me,

Summer skies til dawn for the season,

Have her walk away and she’d leave me,

Darling what is the reason?

The times are gone and beneath me,

Tell me what’s true and we’ll reason,

The souls are torn for our treason,

Lie to me now and I’ll leave for the time being,

Darling tell me the reason,

The thoughts dwell til three,

Up late in the evening and I’m now dreaming,

The past has grabbed hold and I’m not leaving,

Til we part now and I’m not breathing,

Fixations to the mind and I’m not believing,

———

I’m quite happy with how this poem turned out. Now if the rest of the world would resume, I would be so thankful. One day at a time.

Daydream in Tomorrow

There’s no time to borrow,

You’re dreaming of tomorrow,

Ten years of sorrow,

All the nights that follow,

Somewhere you call her,

Two voices alone that wallow,

Many souls that’s hollow,

No love left to borrow,

————

Evidently, not everyone is supportive. Honestly, why are there so many critics in my life? There’s a strange pattern with each person I’m noticing. Don’t make me laugh.

Midway 2020

Half of the year flew by. I’m a little surprised, a bit concerned, but life goes on. I haven’t preoccupied any of time with matters outside my own. I think it’s only the sane thing to do where there’s images and videos of civil unrest throughout the world.

Here’s where the year stands so far in my world:

– Exponentially increased the size of investments by a few hundred percent (up 20% overall). Amazon at $3K by end of the year.

– No debt! I have my car payment and insurance, but I can knock this out the way before years end if I wanted to.

– Plans to buy a house in Portland, Oregon. This is elaborate to say the least. Home prices in Portland can get me a 3 bedroom house for what a low priced condo costs here. I’ll buy the house and rent it out for income. This sounds doable, but logistically a nightmare.

– I helped out at least 5 people without any consideration for anything in return. I’m proud of this. I genuinely like it when friends come to me asking for help and I can do it. Feels good!

– Some friends far away smiled big and hard and I did that. Be me. Be kind.

Later world.

Words, They Hurt Me

In the lifetime I’ve been alive, I can always recall some of the most painful words ever spoken to me.

“We can still be friends.”

“We had a nice run…”

“I never loved you.”

“Did you hear about grandpa?”

Such feelings are shared between people. Sadness, grief and the feeling that overcomes you. It pulls at your heart strings and hums of a tune you wish not to know. Unsurprisingly, those feelings lose their intensity as time passes, but the thought alone triggers them. Now, just a lingering itch from a time that felt so long ago.

Later world.

To Live is To Exist

Life has open pathways and endless oceans, but somehow we choose to make our own path. One of the most questioned parts of our existence is what we’re put here on Earth for. It’s a terrifying thought knowing our lives are finite. It’s the question that keeps me up at night when sleep is rare and the thoughts are neverending.

As many of my friends would argue, live life as it comes. Live in the moment as some would say. While common to hear, it provides little comfort and no answers. Right or wrong, it’s a lack luster response to the problem of knowing we all will eventually leave this land and be nothing more than memories to those who have yet to succumb to the eternal slumber.

One of my co-workers is approaching retirement and I’ve asked him something along these lines. Purpose when there seemingly isn’t one. A destination when so many wander aimlessly. By his account, he’s suprised he’s where he is today. A family man, with a wife and children to his name. He has owned multiple homes and properties in his life time — often remiscing of the past and times long gone.

I find the elderly remarkable. Their wisdom is far and many. Their words distinct and concise. Through out all of human history, people have come to make a name for themselves — not like the fame or notoriety our current generation of social media celebrities so eager seek. It’s not what I want or feel anyone before the age of 30 should seek. I consider it the greatest distraction society faces — one sided affection when no one at the other end of the glowing screen could care or help you when it matters.

My thoughts on the current state of society has remained the same. We all too often distract ourselves with content high in shallowness and of little value. Meaningless interactions with others who are nothing more than images projecting themselves to occupy our short attention span.

In a world so addicted to obsurd, what time we have here is lost to distractions. The solution is simple — stop. Look at the person in front of you. Acknowledge their presence and fully interact one-on-one. Since when was the digital and non-physical so important to ignore the people around you? Families do it with their children eating at restaurants. Lovers to each other on a night out. We as people exist to foster relationships through words, actions, and contact. How we’ve come to shield ourselves from normal human behavior is a sign of of the greatest ill we have towards society. Love to love, be loved and hope there’s another waiting for you.

Later world.

You Annoy Me

As my philosophy professor once told me, your friends — no matter how close or cherished, eventually, they will let you down. That is inevitable, which is unfortunate. It’s a fact of life I’ve seen more and more. While you can’t fault them for merely being human, their actions or inaction says volumes.

I have one friend who spends all his time smoking cigarettes, marijuana and doing large amounts of cocaine every passing day. I’ve come to realize he’s far from ever being saved and that his path in life has already been written — one I dare not wish to venture in.

On numerous times, I’ve seen him slowly do more and more without any regard for his well-being or health. As you wished, then so be it. A life of drug addiction is one of pain and endless consumption. I’ve confronted him about it time and time again, but I’m met with various excuses and explainations teetering on absurd to flat out denials. I don’t consider his habits careful experimentation so many others have experienced with illicit substances. To give him the benefit of the doubt would be lies and turning a blind eye.

Drugs quickly go empty and so does their money. I’m always bothered by hearing people who parttake in this lifestyle complain and rant about not having a dollar to their name. It’s pathetic and only exacerbates the underlying problem more. Give me a break. You can always make back the money lost, but your health may never recover even with all the money in the world and the finest doctors to keep you conscious.

It’s only natural I find myself a bit jaded and skeptical of others. When I have someone in my circle of friends tell me about some goal they’ve set for themselves, I almost always never believe it — especially with ones requiring money. Buy this, buy that, or I’ll own it in the future. It’s all talk and I’m aware of all the other times their words fell short. Don’t get me wrong — everyone should set their own goals. If you have a history of not following through, I don’t believe it — not even a single word.

It’s one of those reasons why when someone says they’ll repay me for lunch or some other transaction involving money I’m met with skepticism. One time, I was told it wasn’t a big amount relative to my own income and therefore wasn’t an issue. They disappoint me or rather, irritate me to no end.

What’s the moral of this long winded rant? People let me down and will continue to do so. Their inability to advance in life is their own doing and any problems they face with not being able to sustain themselves is the result of their own doing. Others may view me differently and call my perspective unusual, but until we can finally meet at eye level, I’ll remain hesitant to assist in their times of dire need.

Later world.

Family (Lack of Thereof)

The coronavirus has everyone in my family without a job — me being the only exception. With the lockdown in place, naturally, everyone is getting extra special attention with one another. While this in principle sounds nice, my family is a fragmented mess and would make for an entertaining episode of Jerry Springer.

My parents never had the best relationship as far back as I can remember. While arguments did occur when I was a kid, overtime, the once rare occurrence has spiraled into a daily episode. Each parent wants to be right — even if it is for petty reasons. My mom is the worst offender when it comes to wanting to be the winner.

From what little I know about her, she never had much of a formal education growing up in China. In fact, both parents were farmers born into the coastal countryside. You would think they would be more receptive to facts and information, but they’re willfully ignorant — teetering on arrogant. Feeling right outweigh being factually correct.

I can’t say with complete confidence the words ‘love’ and ‘parents’ can ever be uttered in a sentence. I could ignore the daily battles and long awkward silences they too often loath under, however, my upringing was less than stellar. My mom forgot to pick me up from school — twice and was extremely neglectful and distant. My dad did not do any better. He calls it keeping me under control and teaching lessions. I grew up and call it abuse.

I’ve often been asked by friends and some women I’ve dated or been with, “Do I wish I could of had better parents?” The mythical atomic family comes to mind. When I was a pre-teen, absolutely. Now that I’m inching towards thirty, not a chance. Although imperfect and the lowest of the lows have been inflicted at their hands, my experiences — no matter how traumatic, shaped me to this very moment of my life.

I want to love because of never feeling it from them. I yearn and care for those who keep me in their thoughts. I absolutely will go to the ends of the Earth for someone I care about knowing I couldn’t say with confidence they are capable of doing the same. People around me care and that’s frankly all I need life. Not money nor anything material. Knowing others care for my well-being brings a lot of comfort and solace.

I’ve long since stopped trying to mend my relationship with them. Since I was a child, they told me I was responsible for their unhappiness and turmoil — believing it for far too long. But I grew up and saw through all the dust and chaos. I’m their scapegoat for much more personal relationship issues. For that, I wouldn’t count on anything changing. My happiness is my own and I’ll continue to look at them as two people who I label with quotes “mom and dad”.

Later world.

The Search for Answers

I’m kind of lucky. I know I can text a handful of friends, both male and female, for their opinion on something. I tend to fixate and overthink something until the very reason for doing so almost becomes unclear. Hands down, one of the most confusing habits I have. Eventually, I come to my senses and ask everyone for their thoughts.

I’m not going to lie. Some topics get dark and wouldn’t fit the narrative of an online journal. You have that secrecy that trust allows. Other times, it’s another question about a relationship or someone I’m seeing. In the end, all I’m looking for is their cold hard unfiltered opinion.

I think what I’ve come to realize is you’re not going to be able to save yourself. Best you can do is ask for help. There aren’t always answers even with your most trusted loyal group of friends to confide in. At least hear them out to look at the situation from their prospective.

2020: once you’re off the boat, you’ll need to really convince me to let you back on.

Later world.