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Letting Go: Anger, Resentment & Solace

People tend to tell me a lot of things. It’s one of the caveats to being a trusted confidant when you yourself is so open about your life — both successes and failures. I have a co-worker who has told me much about her past — mainly the not so delightful relationships she’s encountered with some men. It’s tragic in many ways to hear how wronged she was, but nevertheless, life goes on. Or does it?

I’ve noticed she, like many others, hold a lot of hostility from their past grievances with their partners.

Fuck him.

It’s a abundantly clear time has not yet simmered down their feels for that person. But it should. I’d be hard pressed to believe the other party even thinks of them as negatively as they do or preoccupy so much of their mind. In other words, don’t give them anymore or your time, if they likely don’t have a thought of yours.

Letting go is one of the few things in life only accomplished the long and difficult way. No amount of reading or advice makes it easier or faster. It’s the loudspeaker in your head that becomes deafening at high volumes. At the beginning, you’re engulfed in chaotic noise, but with some time, it should be no more than a annoying buzz. It might be a oversimplification of the processes that make bad thoughts become easier, but I hope the idea is there.

I’ve have a few bad times. Several years have passed and it’s no more than just an inconvenience I faced relative to where I am now. There were times I was wronged, belittled, attacked, and berated, but coming to terms with what transpired made it all better. I can’t say there’s a path one can take to find inner peace with themselves or let go of the past that so easily makes a return, but anything less is a life of hardship and turmoil. Skeletons in the closet should remain boarded shut and forgotten. Time waits for no one. Might as well see the light — find it now rather than never.

I can say with all sincerity I harbor no negative feelings for anyone no matter what transpired previously. The journey of life is perilous and all I can do is take each day with a new perspective. It’s all about how you perceive it — positivity is medicine for all wounds — physical and emotional.

I don’t hate, I don’t despise, and I sure don’t anchor on to any point in the past. By some stroke of fate my time here is cut short and I’m moments from leaving this realm, I know I’ll calmly close my eyes and feel at peace with the world. I don’t need a last minute confession or a few last words. That is not how I or anyone should go out.

See life for what it is. To some it’s a journey. To me is a voyage at sea. No matter what, find solace and let go. Later world.

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The Lonely Hearts Club

Exactly 5 years ago, I boarded a plane to Japan to see a friend — a lady. I traveled halfway around the world to see one person. Some may find this incredible — indeed it is. We were close. I knew all her deepest darkest secrets and she knew all of mine — or at least what she asked of me. When we met, I was one person. When she saw me again, I was someone else. Two different people who shared the same name and face.

People change. Life is dynamic and you can’t expect everyone you know to be the same year after year. I think many people don’t realize that. Everyone has different chapters and some aren’t the most poetic. I didn’t know what to tell her. I was different and not all of it good.

Like all women men are close to, they soon uncover the truth one way or another. The person she thought she knew was off at night on alcohol fueled benders. The feelings were nice. The lifestyle was chaotic. My body felt numb, but it’s to be expected. Alcohol and a few other illicit substances are a match made in heaven. I was still reeling over the feelings that come from newly being single and having to adjust to life in a new city. It was the perfect storm. For a while, our constant texts, phone calls, and Skype chats were keeping me in line. She was my safety net — unknowingly to her.

The armor I had began to develop cracks. When you become accustom to a lifestyle of drugs and drinking, talking about it is like second nature. You tend to not realize how wrong what you’re saying is to the other person. I remember she became startled at my comments, my praise for the fun it brings, the power that rushed through me in the night, but she stood by me. Well, at least in the beginning.

My world came crashing down. She finally left me after one last fight. It was the end, but I knew it was coming. I expected it, but it still hurt nonetheless. I use to feel guilty for how it ended, but after some time, I realized it wasn’t ever meant to be. It’s not to say I wasn’t at fault. I was and I admit it.

Later world.

 

 

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I Wish I Did

From the moment we met,

I always knew,

That until we die,

There would always be you,

A fleeing bird from the falling rain,

What is love unless there’s pain,

Call me as you see,

Passion, misery, and merrily,

Weak hands tremble from the feelings old,

Wishing and hoping for a story told,

Dearly beloved of the nightfall sky.

Have mercy on my soul til we say goodbye,

Heaven falls from the moment gone,

The track skips once until the ending song,

I don’t say goodbye only a smile will do,

Endlessly wondering where are you,

I made a pass and gone a move,

To see you gone and it be true,

Call it a mistake for what pains we make,

Telling me it was more until it was too late,

What is time if not our side,

Like rising tides that come crashing by,

Some days I wonder what if. But that’s on me for not making a move. Well, fuck me then. Later world.

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Love, Redemption and Regret

img_0096I’m guilty of not making more time to see my beloved Grandma. She’s the only grandma I’ve ever known actually. My Dad’s side of the family is all I’ve ever known or seen all my life. This year especially, I’ve been far too busy with work to pay her a visit and it’s terrible to know she misses me. I give her a call every lunch break to check in on her and she usually asks if I’m intruding — even though I’m the one who called. She’s far too forgiving for how hectic I am this time of the year. She’s alone by herself, which to some — is fine, but I know it isn’t. A women in her mid-70s should not be left alone to housesit — it’s not right.

I love her dearly. She’s been through a lot and truthfully won’t listen to a word from anyone except from me — much to everyone’s dismay. There’s a saying in Chinese along the lines of, “you’re finding money to eat.” It’s used when work overtakes making time for family, because the ends justify the means. Focusing on work means having money and focusing on your career. Family comes second in that regard. I’ve never been too fond of it.

Years ago, my only goal was to impress her and her only wish was I graduate college. So I did. I gave a fuck and somehow managed to be the top of my class and transfer to UC Santa Barbara. Part of me thinks that was all a fluke and I lucked out, but I know that couldn’t be further from the truth. When she came to see me graduate, her eyes teared up, voice crackled, and told me just one sentence, “your grandpa would be proud”. I absolutely lost it and cried in front of her. I redeemed myself — found salvation for all those years of not being anybody. Most of my professors have asked me during office hours if I was a A student before SB and I laughed all the time. The look in their eyes as I explained I was a college dropout, how I was failing every class at community college at one point, and how I was only here to impress my Grandma. It makes for an interesting discussion, but I would not be where I am if it weren’t for her.

Sunday, I’ll have time to pay her a visit. I’ll take her to dim sum and have a date with my Grandma. I know she’s excited. I am too. If there was only two of me.

Later world.