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My Company Launched!

In another string of good news this month, the company I’m running had our first official product launch. Nine months of hard grueling work finally paid off and I’m exited for this new venture. I have high hopes and this quite possibly will be my ticket to greater fortunes and a new lifestyle. That’s fancy talk for: I’m going to fucking make a lot of money.

Speaking of money, I applied for a SBA grant. After hearing a friend of mines who runs his own business was approved for a cool $10K, I said fuck it and went for it. Worst that can happen is I get a fraction of that, but honestly — free fucking money. You know the saying the rich get richer? I see it now. I’ve officially gone full circle. Free money is the best shit there is.

There feels like a lot of bragging here but I deserve it. Anyone who doesn’t like it, well, tough luck. Or better yet as my ex would say: that’s too bad. As much I want it feel the pain the rest of America is feeling with BLM, police brutality, or whatever the typical Millennial or Gen Z-er is fighting for on the left these days, their priorities are not my priorities.

I can 100% say that anyone who is down on their luck in life should have the capacity to dig themselves out of the hole. Because every action lead them into that predicament, they should be the ones who get themselves out.

I’m on a fucking roll. Later world.

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Bum Da Da Bum

The day after Fourth of July is distinctive. The lingering smell of gun powder in the air and sudden silence of my surroundings brings back many fond memories as a kid. I used to like loud explosions, but now find it such an annoyance that my ears need a mute button. This month is quite lackluster and I’m often met with too much downtime. Some call it another lazy Sunday — I just can’t stand it.

Earlier this month, I moved a large portion of assets into a trust to be locked away for the next six years. By that time I’ll be thirty-five and teetering on old age that would surely force thoughts of adulthood and relationships I’ve been putting off. The current self couldn’t be bothered with the troubles of a committed relationship and the freedom that type of life brings. I’ll have to consider being tied down — how unsettling.

Whatever the next chapter brings, it’s best to consider ways to get there. Love is fickle. Relationships are complicated. My life is rather busy. And my priorities are constantly shifting. I envy those who have it all together younger than older. There’s a sense of fulfillment and destiny that people in my position don’t have just yet.

Later world.

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To Live is To Exist

Life has open pathways and endless oceans, but somehow we choose to make our own path. One of the most questioned parts of our existence is what we’re put here on Earth for. It’s a terrifying thought knowing our lives are finite. It’s the question that keeps me up at night when sleep is rare and the thoughts are neverending.

As many of my friends would argue, live life as it comes. Live in the moment as some would say. While common to hear, it provides little comfort and no answers. Right or wrong, it’s a lack luster response to the problem of knowing we all will eventually leave this land and be nothing more than memories to those who have yet to succumb to the eternal slumber.

One of my co-workers is approaching retirement and I’ve asked him something along these lines. Purpose when there seemingly isn’t one. A destination when so many wander aimlessly. By his account, he’s suprised he’s where he is today. A family man, with a wife and children to his name. He has owned multiple homes and properties in his life time — often remiscing of the past and times long gone.

I find the elderly remarkable. Their wisdom is far and many. Their words distinct and concise. Through out all of human history, people have come to make a name for themselves — not like the fame or notoriety our current generation of social media celebrities so eager seek. It’s not what I want or feel anyone before the age of 30 should seek. I consider it the greatest distraction society faces — one sided affection when no one at the other end of the glowing screen could care or help you when it matters.

My thoughts on the current state of society has remained the same. We all too often distract ourselves with content high in shallowness and of little value. Meaningless interactions with others who are nothing more than images projecting themselves to occupy our short attention span.

In a world so addicted to obsurd, what time we have here is lost to distractions. The solution is simple — stop. Look at the person in front of you. Acknowledge their presence and fully interact one-on-one. Since when was the digital and non-physical so important to ignore the people around you? Families do it with their children eating at restaurants. Lovers to each other on a night out. We as people exist to foster relationships through words, actions, and contact. How we’ve come to shield ourselves from normal human behavior is a sign of of the greatest ill we have towards society. Love to love, be loved and hope there’s another waiting for you.

Later world.

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Crisis Time: COVID-19

2020 is roaring and when I mean that, its wrath has my stock portfolio losing as much as 30%. By my count, at one point, I was at a loss of nearly ten thousand fucking dollars. To put it in perspective, the past two weeks has completely erased all gains since 2016. That is incredible. Waking up to everything in red is almost amusing after the second week of straight losses.

So everyone has been asking me am I worried? Not really. This is panic selling and eventually everything recovers — however long that may take. We had a meeting at work today to break to everyone the bad news. We’re cutting staff and anyone who’s fortunate has to work from home until further notice. This fucking blows.

I’m so bothered by the fact some of my coworkers have kids to take care of and it’s come to this. Many are going to be on unemployment and will have a hard time getting by. What has the world come to? I know this is going to keep me up at night and it shouldn’t. It’s out of anyone’s control and the circumstances surrounding this viral outbreak are unfathomable.

As I sit here constantly wondering how the hell I’m going to get in my usual work mode while painfully stuck at home, I hope and pray this is only temporary. I’m fine as usual, but knowing everyone isn’t pains me to no bounds.

Later world.

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My Not So Great Family

My dad complains a lot. Basically, about everything in his not so great life. He hasn’t worked for months and by my watch, hasn’t really been trying to look for a job. He sits at home waiting for his meager unemployment check to come. I recall as a kid, my dad specifically mentioning not to let others know what he did or how we lived. As I got older, I realized he told me so because he himself knew he was nobody — someone who has always been angry at the world.

My mom hasn’t worked a day in her life and complains about wanting a bigger apartment. She’s quite a bitter lady. I’ve never understood this about her. From what I’m told, she’s never had much an education, but insists she’s always right. Give me a break. She’s been absent, unrelenting, and the fire that ravages much of everything it touches.

My sister stopped working the past few years and is known to spend loads of money on expensive designer purses and bags. We’re talking in the price range of $1500-2000. It’s rediculous. Recently, she complained her waitressing position keeps getting pushed back and she no longer gets financial aid. Somehow, she feels wronged. As if the world put her in this position.

My brother, whom I seldom speak about, dropped out of college and has no intentions of ever returning. He complains about life and how he feels everyone is attacking him. He’s lazy.

Frankly, I could go on and on about my “family”. I’m amazed I was born into this world full of people who feel the world is against them. Somehow, their current situation isn’t a product of their own doing. Life is beating down on them and they bare no responsibility for their lives.

When I finally make it out of here, it will be the best feeling imaginable. Misery loves company and I’ll gladly leave them be. Think of me what you will, but my reasons for wanting more and soon stem solely from people like them. The bitterness they have towards the world and lack of action to do anything — it’s pathetic. I can’t say I love them all the same, but there is a common theme. For anyone who’s been following my blog, perhaps I’m the outlier in this whole ordeal. Life is whatever you want it to be and I can’t stand being around people who wallow and weep. Later world.

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Dreams, Meet Reality

Not too long ago, I had not the slightest idea what I was doing with my life and it didn’t scare me the least bit. Wandering is as much a part of life as finding your path among the chaos and darkness you encounter. With some effort involved and a bit of chance, I stumbled onto where I am now. Soon to be 28 with a good sizable number assets and goals reached. Fortunate is the word.

Back in high school, I couldn’t give two fucks about what the future held, mines, theirs or yours for that matter. It’s an interesting predicament I was in to care so little and not have the urgency to want to do more. Perhaps it was necessary to evaluate the goals I so helplessly lacked or send me to the bottom with just one option — an ultimatum by some. Some consider it a last resort.

I didn’t follow the crowd or do what everyone else wanted me to do or become. Call it the teenage rebellious years littered with anst and dread many movies like to stereotype, yet, it was true. My world came crashing and hard without anyone by my side to pull me from the drowning. I sank into the abyss but only managed to find myself cast ashore on a island for one. How eloquent, yet unbashful to admit. I fucked up and paid a price.

Some goals need reevaluating. You tend to be so narrow minded from your current perspective you fail to see other options and paths worth pursuing. I was nobody with nothing to my name, but I at least realized it. It’s sad, disheartening, and shameful to see everyone progressing further with their lives while you see yourself falling into the shadows you find solace in.

I was comfortable not caring, but I knew at least a few people close to me cared — cared enough to tell me in person and privately. For that, I’m blessed and felt less on my own and closer to the light — however dim it may seem from a distance. All I needed was to have a small glimmer and urgency to move forward. No matter what direction life could take me, I knew I had one motion in view and it was forward. Move onwards and don’t look back. You can call it my secret rule of life I never mention publicly to anyone except the tiny voice in my head.

College had its fair share of highs and bottomly lows, but I remained persistent. I fell in love a few times and felt the sting of the dagger through the heart relationships can bring. Yet, I found it just as important as the feelings and emotions love entails. I learned about myself and my intentions. Better yet, I realized if I was ready to love someone when loving myself was just as important. Love, for that reason, is not just singular and far from it.

With all the pain you endure in life, it tests your ability to see the light and find means of coping by yourself. Pain is unwanted, persistent, and long lasting. I found myself cracking a bottle daily and lost in the sweet bliss illicit substances bring. It’s the bitter-sweet allure of being torn between wanting to feel better, but losing yourself in the addiction numbness has over yourself. Escapism is met with more than one avenue. Naturally, not every door is one you should leave open.

Just as the doors open, they close and become boarded up with a handful of skeletons in the closet. Hidden from the world but not out of mind. I learned about self-forgiveness and how the untamed urges can lead to self-harm. I bare no scars from this era, only mental footnotes of just how far I was willing to push my luck every night.

I did a number of things over the years that would disappoint and raise a few eyebrows. That can never be undone. I’ve hurt others and felt pain myself. I can admit not every action can be undone or be forgiven for. I felt bad then but now it’s merely a speck of sand at the bottom of the hour glass.

My name is Daniel — welcome to my world.

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Mortality

What does it mean to live?

You get reminded of your finite existence every now and again. The receptionist at my office was involved in a very serious accident with a drunk driver this Cinco de Mayo. Fuck that day.

It’s eerie to think we will one day cease to exist. That heartbeat is not forever and everyone you know and love will all have the same fate. It’s said humans are one of the few species in the animal kingdom to know of their fate. For that, the urge to live now and not later should be paramount.

That’s not to say everyone has the same view on life. You can spend years wandering without a clue of where to go and what life holds for you. It’s unfortunate the lives of many fall under this predicament. To live and without intent. To search without a purpose. To go day to day without meaning. Fuck that shit. It terrifies me.

Death doesn’t terrify me as much as it use to. More than likely, my close calls with the grim reaper have made me value living more than anything — pain and suffering included. It’s all a necessary evil that everyone has to face. Can a life of nothing but pleasure be one worth valuing? It doesn’t seem like a reality anyone should want. Paradise by all means is an illusion.

Once in a full moon, I tend to find myself surround by a group of friends who have their reasons for escaping from reality and into the sweet bliss alcohol and other illicit substances brings. There are many means to escapism. None I find particularly worth pursuing. I can’t partake for my own sake and safety. But it’s foolish to say we don’t connect on other levels. These guys just live in other realities below mine.

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Everyone is So Nice

In the 12 years I’ve been friends with Julian, I’ve never met his extended family — until today. I’ve met Garza’s family numerous times and know them fairly well. I think it’s a bit odd, but whatever. Today was the Super Bowl — which calls for a few beers and lots of food. I dig it. Everyone I met was very nice and welcoming — going as far as to get me another beer after I finished mines. Their hospitality is great and very much appreciated. It was also his grandpa’s birthday which called for celebrations and a lot of singing. It’s fun to be apart of. To think, these people who I just met go out of their way for me to make me feel comfortable. There’s a lot of Spanish spoken, but I understand more than I let on.

Look at this hungry doggie!😊

It’s a stark contrast to my own family, who usually throw criticism and other negative comments my way. I think in their eyes, I’m unusual or the black sheep — which is somehow an excuse to lack common decency and respect. My mom’s side of the family are the worst offenders. Now I understand where she gets it from. In the words of 50 Cent, “I am what I am. You can hate it or love it.” And hate they do. My parents use to convince me that other people were no better off than we were. That they were somehow just like them. I’ve gotten older and realized this is all bullshit and just another way of indoctrinating me. Fuck that mentality. I couldn’t give them any of my time now or later.

I’ve harbored a bit of jealousy for my closest friends for as long as I’ve known them. To have this family dynamic full of support and compassion that I’ve always lacked from my own. I am jealous. But this is just the way life goes. I remember after one long night of drinking, Garza told me something that stuck.

“We’re your family.”

Indeed you are. Who cares if family life is less than perfect. I have something better to make up for it.

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To Be Lost, Heartbroken and Suffer

Life has a way of throwing a lot at you at once. Suffering, heartbreak, tragedy, etc is all within the realm of possibility. Some days, I’ve felt better and wonder why me of all people. But this is necessary when we’re all given the gift of life. To live is to feel and sometimes we must all suffer — even if it seems like there is no end in sight.

My look at the world has always been bright and optimistic, but I wouldn’t want to be shielded from all the ills, vices, and temptations life brings. Reality hurts and I rather firmly put myself out of the Matrix or the Garden of Eden if given the false alternative. A life of nothing but joy and happiness is a lie — the biggest one there is. We all exist to have experiences and not all that we feel will be good ones.

Your closest friends and family are the ones you hold most dear to you. Yet, the reality is they will all go someday — not now but much later. Death comes and goes much like the changing tides or the many phases of the moon. Laughs are shared, hugs are exchanged, and bonds are made knowing one day, the very people that are a part of your memories will go. I’ve always felt knowing we all won’t be around eventually would make us want to get up out of bed and feel the urge to live now — not later. Time is of the essence and it trickles down the spout. It’s a slow leak, but the water will run out.

To some and some months — myself included, the world feels empty and devoid of joy and happiness. It’s all elusive and much like a quest for discovery. We want to be happy, but it never finds us. Some months it quickly goes as soon as you get a taste of it. All good things are only that — temporary. It doesn’t deter me and shouldn’t anyone for that matter. Feel thankful for the days you do feel your absolute best and hope it comes more often. There are billions of people out there who at one point have felt the same way. For that reason, we should never feel alone. We get better eventually. It may not be a full recovery, but behind every sliver of sunlight piercing through the crack, is a bright sun.

Anyone who’s afflicted with sadness, greif, or depression might feel the days are grey and the world is cruel. You’re right actually — the would is cruel. It’s the only honest and correct response for anyone dealing with days, weeks, or months of crippling depression. Thoughts manifest into habits and those habits keep you a prisoner of your own body. Truthfully, some days I dread at the thought of getting up in the morning and having to show myself to the world. Yet, I find the strength to keep pushing forward. I have responsiblies, duties and ambitious goals to accomplish. I’d feel worse knowing they’re slipping from my grasp by feeling sorry for myself. Your view of the world is never accurate to how you’re feeling this way. If you know this, then get up and go about your day. Odds are, it’s not as bad as things seem. Friends, family and co-workers are there and many have words of advice to keep you moving. We’re all interconnected and supported in that regard. That’s the beauty of life — feeling connected.

For some, years might slip by. It’s only inevitable. Most people are on auto-pilot and have no clear direction or idea what their future holds. It’s why I’m so goal oriented. Goals set the future up and with an expectation of it occurring. It grounds you in the present working up towards something you want to happen or transpire. Without goals, I’d be nobody or the person I am today. Give yourself ambitious goals that’s within the realm of possibility. Find all the areas or ways you can be set back and think of alternative solutions. Plan B is needed as is plan C. There will be bumps in the road. All you’re doing is preparing for the journey. It’s not a full trail you’re following in the woods. Some days, you’ll veer off into the wilderness, but you still have an idea of the destination no less.

With every journey, we all get caught up with unhealthy distractions. They’re littered everywhere and at anytime, will try to deter you. Stop to smell the roses. They look beautiful and smell great. Give time to be mindful of where you are and where you want to be. The more mindful one is with their actions and behavior, the more likely they are to reaching the finish line. Two steps forward and one step back is still a step in the right direction.

Some people suffer their entire lives, which is disheartening to think about. My only advice is to take a step back and reevaluate what’s important in your life. Find what makes you sad and by all means, do something about. It’s always easier said than done, but any solution to a problem requires thinking about it. No one likes to think about the very thing that makes them sad or causes issues.

Do I want to admit I have a few issues with addiction? No. Do I want to admit I needed help? No. If I could have it my way, I’d be just an average Joe trying to find his place in the universe, but I’m far from it. I tend to gravitate towards one thing after the other and fall victim to new traps. Shit, everyone does. If you’ve yet to feel depressed for weeks at a time or wake up and tell yourself you fucking hate everything, then my god, you’re just lucky. Life can be a bitch, but how you deal with it makes all the difference. I’m not Superman and my friends have their own issues to deal with. I’m the end, we openly talk about them and give each other a hand.

The world can be a scary and awful place, but there’s two sides to every story. Dark clouds lead to brighter skies. I can’t say I have all the answers or is immune to my list of vices, but I’ll listen to everything my friends tell me and follow their word. Everyday should be looked upon as a chance for self-improvement. Old habits die hard. The feelings that harm you fade. Memories that keep you up at night grow fainter every month. Shit gets better once new experiences take over. No one remembers everything forever.

There are people I miss. Some everyday for almost ten years. There are words I wish I could take back and said differently if given a second chance. There are times I should of stopped myself but didn’t. I’ve let my closest friends down numerous times. Some have cried, felt betrayed and been belittled in my presence. I’ve failed most my life and am racing to undo it all. But this is the nature of living. It’s an imperfect world and truthfully, there’s no better time to be alive than now. Anyone who says or believes differently hasn’t seen the bigger picture.

Live now and not later, but always onwards. Later world.

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Rules to Live By

  • Always tell truth. The truth is always better than a lie — even if it hurts the other person. Honest and sincerity is paramount.
  • Love all your friends and family, but expect them to fail you eventually. They are only human and humans make mistakes. It’s not a matter how, but when.
  • Anyone who has the capacity to think can do anything as long as they have: will, motivation, and determination.
  • Success does not come easy. If you give 100% and still fail, do not be discouraged. Try again.
  • The fact that we all will die eventually should be a driving motivator and force in our lives to do everything now and not later.
  • Money is difficult to obtain, but easy to spend. Live below your means and be weary of the lifestyle creep. Have a safety net for the future.
  • Most people seek out information to support their beliefs and reject information that opposes them. Look at both sides of the argument and draw your own conclusions.
  • If you have nothing good to say about someone, say nothing. Negative comments make you no better than the person you’re addressing.
  • You will have bad days. It’s not a matter how, but when. How you handle them makes all the difference.
  • While money gives you security, never think it is the end all of everything. There is more to life than money. Build meaningful relationships, memories, and find happiness in others.
  • Assume everything you read or see on social media is complete bullshit.
  • Be thankful for what you do have and never feel bad for having less than others.
  • The first step to any problem is admitting you have a problem.
  • Religion does more harm than good. Live your life the way you see fit and don’t blindly follow any doctrine in hopes of a better afterlife.
  • There is likely no heaven or hell. The only thing you can be certain is that you exist now with limited time on Earth.
  • Find love and compassionship, but work on yourself. A partner will not fix all your problems.
  • Listen intently to those you care about and try not to forget a word. Digital distractions are everywhere in the modern world and only hinders relationships.
  • Self-reflection is important. Knowing where you are now and how you reached this point is less important than the ending. Stay grounded and remember the journey.
  • Don’t hold back. You will regret every moment or action you wish you did, much less than what you did do.
  • Forgive others and don’t hold grudges. Humans make mistakes and resentment is a gateway to anger and hostility.
  • There will be two constants to every day: the sun will always rise in the morning and set in the evening. Find tranquility in the natural beauty around you.
  • Stay loyal to your partner or significant other. Never cheat or walk the road to infidelity. Forgoing someone’s trust is inexcusable.
  • Stop to smell the roses. You will be too caught up in life some times and lose sense of what is important.
  • Don’t just “sleep on it” or try to forget what bothers you. By having the capacity to think, addressing intrusive thoughts will lead to long-term solace and feeling content.
  • Happiness is illusive. Do what makes you happy so long as you’re not hurting yourself or others.
  • Dark days are on the horizon. Don’t feel hopeless even in the hardest of times. Things will and do get better.
  • We are all creatures of this Earth and you should never feel you’re better than the next person over.
  • Show and give everyone respect.
  • You will fuck up. Own up to your mistakes and apologize with sincerity.
  • Anyone who doesn’t give you their time is undeserving of yours.
  • Have plan B or C. The likelihood of succeeding the first time is never 100%.
  • There are too many events out of your control. Move forward and worry about yourself. Your own happiness should take priority.

Later world.