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Let’s Hurry It Up

Two of my closest friends are expecting their first child. I’m excited as much as they are and to think I’ll be an uncle to someone is surreal. How odd, terrifying, but moving.

While I believe everyone on this journey of life sets their own pace, I’ve suddenly found myself wondering if I’m behind. The feelings come naturally when I’m preoccupied with work and why my savings isn’t miraculously going to solve all my problems. Different strokes for different folks, yet I’m here fixed on the monetary.

Don’t mistake it. Life isn’t all about money nor the material, but when life tries to fight you, I’m glad I can cover the seemingly too frequent visits the hospital. It’s a game of fighting the unexpected and misfortunate.

I’ve always told myself I couldn’t possibly be tied to a relationship right now with how busy work keeps me. Fun is immediate without the strings attached. Attachment itself is vulnerability and a slow stewing recipe for distress. Having a child is expensive once the reality phase comes hitting you like a train.

Like my grandma has told me countless times, stop to smell the roses and worry about yourself. Time is limited, yet we’re all trapped wishing for what others have while we are too distracted in how to obtain them. I am me. Next.

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Rainy Day Fund

Life has a way of throwing too much in my direction. I’ve gotten a surprise bill in the mail. A cool four figures owed. Ouch.

I’ve noticed this year has a way of being expected. COVID, riots, heightened attitudes… something doesn’t feel right all year. Honestly, how can it. I’ve largely been unaffected this entire time. Call me thankful to still manage to get by relatively unscathed financially.

I’ve been in the hospital twice in less than a year. Can’t say that is a good sign for things to come, but here I am: tired, sweaty, and unenthusiastic about tomorrow. I’ve come to realize just because I don’t show the underlying emotion, doesn’t mean it’s not unknowingly affecting my well-being. I’m not as invincible as I believe.

Now I’m just mortal. Those feats of stupidity and brazen disregard for life have finally caught up to me. I can’t run any longer and the finish line gets farther. The lion has bitten back and I’m left hopping for the next kilometer.

I want the next year to come already. Give me Thanksgiving and fast forward to the next year, please. Best of luck to everyone wandering, but not yet lost.

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My Company Launched!

In another string of good news this month, the company I’m running had our first official product launch. Nine months of hard grueling work finally paid off and I’m exited for this new venture. I have high hopes and this quite possibly will be my ticket to greater fortunes and a new lifestyle. That’s fancy talk for: I’m going to fucking make a lot of money.

Speaking of money, I applied for a SBA grant. After hearing a friend of mines who runs his own business was approved for a cool $10K, I said fuck it and went for it. Worst that can happen is I get a fraction of that, but honestly — free fucking money. You know the saying the rich get richer? I see it now. I’ve officially gone full circle. Free money is the best shit there is.

There feels like a lot of bragging here but I deserve it. Anyone who doesn’t like it, well, tough luck. Or better yet as my ex would say: that’s too bad. As much I want it feel the pain the rest of America is feeling with BLM, police brutality, or whatever the typical Millennial or Gen Z-er is fighting for on the left these days, their priorities are not my priorities.

I can 100% say that anyone who is down on their luck in life should have the capacity to dig themselves out of the hole. Because every action lead them into that predicament, they should be the ones who get themselves out.

I’m on a fucking roll. Later world.

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Bum Da Da Bum

The day after Fourth of July is distinctive. The lingering smell of gun powder in the air and sudden silence of my surroundings brings back many fond memories as a kid. I used to like loud explosions, but now find it such an annoyance that my ears need a mute button. This month is quite lackluster and I’m often met with too much downtime. Some call it another lazy Sunday — I just can’t stand it.

Earlier this month, I moved a large portion of assets into a trust to be locked away for the next six years. By that time I’ll be thirty-five and teetering on old age that would surely force thoughts of adulthood and relationships I’ve been putting off. The current self couldn’t be bothered with the troubles of a committed relationship and the freedom that type of life brings. I’ll have to consider being tied down — how unsettling.

Whatever the next chapter brings, it’s best to consider ways to get there. Love is fickle. Relationships are complicated. My life is rather busy. And my priorities are constantly shifting. I envy those who have it all together younger than older. There’s a sense of fulfillment and destiny that people in my position don’t have just yet.

Later world.

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To Live is To Exist

Life has open pathways and endless oceans, but somehow we choose to make our own path. One of the most questioned parts of our existence is what we’re put here on Earth for. It’s a terrifying thought knowing our lives are finite. It’s the question that keeps me up at night when sleep is rare and the thoughts are neverending.

As many of my friends would argue, live life as it comes. Live in the moment as some would say. While common to hear, it provides little comfort and no answers. Right or wrong, it’s a lack luster response to the problem of knowing we all will eventually leave this land and be nothing more than memories to those who have yet to succumb to the eternal slumber.

One of my co-workers is approaching retirement and I’ve asked him something along these lines. Purpose when there seemingly isn’t one. A destination when so many wander aimlessly. By his account, he’s suprised he’s where he is today. A family man, with a wife and children to his name. He has owned multiple homes and properties in his life time — often remiscing of the past and times long gone.

I find the elderly remarkable. Their wisdom is far and many. Their words distinct and concise. Through out all of human history, people have come to make a name for themselves — not like the fame or notoriety our current generation of social media celebrities so eager seek. It’s not what I want or feel anyone before the age of 30 should seek. I consider it the greatest distraction society faces — one sided affection when no one at the other end of the glowing screen could care or help you when it matters.

My thoughts on the current state of society has remained the same. We all too often distract ourselves with content high in shallowness and of little value. Meaningless interactions with others who are nothing more than images projecting themselves to occupy our short attention span.

In a world so addicted to obsurd, what time we have here is lost to distractions. The solution is simple — stop. Look at the person in front of you. Acknowledge their presence and fully interact one-on-one. Since when was the digital and non-physical so important to ignore the people around you? Families do it with their children eating at restaurants. Lovers to each other on a night out. We as people exist to foster relationships through words, actions, and contact. How we’ve come to shield ourselves from normal human behavior is a sign of of the greatest ill we have towards society. Love to love, be loved and hope there’s another waiting for you.

Later world.

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Crisis Time: COVID-19

2020 is roaring and when I mean that, its wrath has my stock portfolio losing as much as 30%. By my count, at one point, I was at a loss of nearly ten thousand fucking dollars. To put it in perspective, the past two weeks has completely erased all gains since 2016. That is incredible. Waking up to everything in red is almost amusing after the second week of straight losses.

So everyone has been asking me am I worried? Not really. This is panic selling and eventually everything recovers — however long that may take. We had a meeting at work today to break to everyone the bad news. We’re cutting staff and anyone who’s fortunate has to work from home until further notice. This fucking blows.

I’m so bothered by the fact some of my coworkers have kids to take care of and it’s come to this. Many are going to be on unemployment and will have a hard time getting by. What has the world come to? I know this is going to keep me up at night and it shouldn’t. It’s out of anyone’s control and the circumstances surrounding this viral outbreak are unfathomable.

As I sit here constantly wondering how the hell I’m going to get in my usual work mode while painfully stuck at home, I hope and pray this is only temporary. I’m fine as usual, but knowing everyone isn’t pains me to no bounds.

Later world.

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My Not So Great Family

My dad complains a lot. Basically, about everything in his not so great life. He hasn’t worked for months and by my watch, hasn’t really been trying to look for a job. He sits at home waiting for his meager unemployment check to come. I recall as a kid, my dad specifically mentioning not to let others know what he did or how we lived. As I got older, I realized he told me so because he himself knew he was nobody — someone who has always been angry at the world.

My mom hasn’t worked a day in her life and complains about wanting a bigger apartment. She’s quite a bitter lady. I’ve never understood this about her. From what I’m told, she’s never had much an education, but insists she’s always right. Give me a break. She’s been absent, unrelenting, and the fire that ravages much of everything it touches.

My sister stopped working the past few years and is known to spend loads of money on expensive designer purses and bags. We’re talking in the price range of $1500-2000. It’s rediculous. Recently, she complained her waitressing position keeps getting pushed back and she no longer gets financial aid. Somehow, she feels wronged. As if the world put her in this position.

My brother, whom I seldom speak about, dropped out of college and has no intentions of ever returning. He complains about life and how he feels everyone is attacking him. He’s lazy.

Frankly, I could go on and on about my “family”. I’m amazed I was born into this world full of people who feel the world is against them. Somehow, their current situation isn’t a product of their own doing. Life is beating down on them and they bare no responsibility for their lives.

When I finally make it out of here, it will be the best feeling imaginable. Misery loves company and I’ll gladly leave them be. Think of me what you will, but my reasons for wanting more and soon stem solely from people like them. The bitterness they have towards the world and lack of action to do anything — it’s pathetic. I can’t say I love them all the same, but there is a common theme. For anyone who’s been following my blog, perhaps I’m the outlier in this whole ordeal. Life is whatever you want it to be and I can’t stand being around people who wallow and weep. Later world.

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Dreams, Meet Reality

Not too long ago, I had not the slightest idea what I was doing with my life and it didn’t scare me the least bit. Wandering is as much a part of life as finding your path among the chaos and darkness you encounter. With some effort involved and a bit of chance, I stumbled onto where I am now. Soon to be 28 with a good sizable number assets and goals reached. Fortunate is the word.

Back in high school, I couldn’t give two fucks about what the future held, mines, theirs or yours for that matter. It’s an interesting predicament I was in to care so little and not have the urgency to want to do more. Perhaps it was necessary to evaluate the goals I so helplessly lacked or send me to the bottom with just one option — an ultimatum by some. Some consider it a last resort.

I didn’t follow the crowd or do what everyone else wanted me to do or become. Call it the teenage rebellious years littered with anst and dread many movies like to stereotype, yet, it was true. My world came crashing and hard without anyone by my side to pull me from the drowning. I sank into the abyss but only managed to find myself cast ashore on a island for one. How eloquent, yet unbashful to admit. I fucked up and paid a price.

Some goals need reevaluating. You tend to be so narrow minded from your current perspective you fail to see other options and paths worth pursuing. I was nobody with nothing to my name, but I at least realized it. It’s sad, disheartening, and shameful to see everyone progressing further with their lives while you see yourself falling into the shadows you find solace in.

I was comfortable not caring, but I knew at least a few people close to me cared — cared enough to tell me in person and privately. For that, I’m blessed and felt less on my own and closer to the light — however dim it may seem from a distance. All I needed was to have a small glimmer and urgency to move forward. No matter what direction life could take me, I knew I had one motion in view and it was forward. Move onwards and don’t look back. You can call it my secret rule of life I never mention publicly to anyone except the tiny voice in my head.

College had its fair share of highs and bottomly lows, but I remained persistent. I fell in love a few times and felt the sting of the dagger through the heart relationships can bring. Yet, I found it just as important as the feelings and emotions love entails. I learned about myself and my intentions. Better yet, I realized if I was ready to love someone when loving myself was just as important. Love, for that reason, is not just singular and far from it.

With all the pain you endure in life, it tests your ability to see the light and find means of coping by yourself. Pain is unwanted, persistent, and long lasting. I found myself cracking a bottle daily and lost in the sweet bliss illicit substances bring. It’s the bitter-sweet allure of being torn between wanting to feel better, but losing yourself in the addiction numbness has over yourself. Escapism is met with more than one avenue. Naturally, not every door is one you should leave open.

Just as the doors open, they close and become boarded up with a handful of skeletons in the closet. Hidden from the world but not out of mind. I learned about self-forgiveness and how the untamed urges can lead to self-harm. I bare no scars from this era, only mental footnotes of just how far I was willing to push my luck every night.

I did a number of things over the years that would disappoint and raise a few eyebrows. That can never be undone. I’ve hurt others and felt pain myself. I can admit not every action can be undone or be forgiven for. I felt bad then but now it’s merely a speck of sand at the bottom of the hour glass.

My name is Daniel — welcome to my world.

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Mortality

What does it mean to live?

You get reminded of your finite existence every now and again. The receptionist at my office was involved in a very serious accident with a drunk driver this Cinco de Mayo. Fuck that day.

It’s eerie to think we will one day cease to exist. That heartbeat is not forever and everyone you know and love will all have the same fate. It’s said humans are one of the few species in the animal kingdom to know of their fate. For that, the urge to live now and not later should be paramount.

That’s not to say everyone has the same view on life. You can spend years wandering without a clue of where to go and what life holds for you. It’s unfortunate the lives of many fall under this predicament. To live and without intent. To search without a purpose. To go day to day without meaning. Fuck that shit. It terrifies me.

Death doesn’t terrify me as much as it use to. More than likely, my close calls with the grim reaper have made me value living more than anything — pain and suffering included. It’s all a necessary evil that everyone has to face. Can a life of nothing but pleasure be one worth valuing? It doesn’t seem like a reality anyone should want. Paradise by all means is an illusion.

Once in a full moon, I tend to find myself surround by a group of friends who have their reasons for escaping from reality and into the sweet bliss alcohol and other illicit substances brings. There are many means to escapism. None I find particularly worth pursuing. I can’t partake for my own sake and safety. But it’s foolish to say we don’t connect on other levels. These guys just live in other realities below mine.

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Everyone is So Nice

In the 12 years I’ve been friends with Julian, I’ve never met his extended family — until today. I’ve met Garza’s family numerous times and know them fairly well. I think it’s a bit odd, but whatever. Today was the Super Bowl — which calls for a few beers and lots of food. I dig it. Everyone I met was very nice and welcoming — going as far as to get me another beer after I finished mines. Their hospitality is great and very much appreciated. It was also his grandpa’s birthday which called for celebrations and a lot of singing. It’s fun to be apart of. To think, these people who I just met go out of their way for me to make me feel comfortable. There’s a lot of Spanish spoken, but I understand more than I let on.

Look at this hungry doggie!😊

It’s a stark contrast to my own family, who usually throw criticism and other negative comments my way. I think in their eyes, I’m unusual or the black sheep — which is somehow an excuse to lack common decency and respect. My mom’s side of the family are the worst offenders. Now I understand where she gets it from. In the words of 50 Cent, “I am what I am. You can hate it or love it.” And hate they do. My parents use to convince me that other people were no better off than we were. That they were somehow just like them. I’ve gotten older and realized this is all bullshit and just another way of indoctrinating me. Fuck that mentality. I couldn’t give them any of my time now or later.

I’ve harbored a bit of jealousy for my closest friends for as long as I’ve known them. To have this family dynamic full of support and compassion that I’ve always lacked from my own. I am jealous. But this is just the way life goes. I remember after one long night of drinking, Garza told me something that stuck.

“We’re your family.”

Indeed you are. Who cares if family life is less than perfect. I have something better to make up for it.