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Distances Among and Far

I’m growing further away from some friends and closer to others. Somehow, life has a tendency to make that apparent. Hobbies change, social lives differ, and above all, people change. We are powerless to stop it. It is the sea that drifts further outward into the ocean. The tides can only take some much.

What this year of a mess has taught me is perspective. Fending for yourself while forgoing others who bring you down doesn’t make you selfish. It’s the reality of knowing right from wrong, truth from lies, and to grow old is let go — apart. Live now and focus.

Times feel so different than they did the years before. I’ve changed and yet some of my friends haven’t. I’m not one to judge, but we can’t all keep on the same lonely path and the road less traveled.

Who am I? I’m still wondering every day if my priories matter more than they did before. I want more, there’s infinite ways to get there, and I’m the lone wolf fending off criticism.

Later world.

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T-minus 1 Month

Next month, it’s my birthday. Hooray? I’ve always found it weird we celebrate getting one year older as we slowly inch closer to old age. Hell, I’m still young as a baby in some people’s eyes. To get old is to be wiser, yet long for days long gone.

Tragic, yet, moving. Nonetheless, I was asked if I was going to get hammered on my birthday. I uttered a resounding, but firm — no. I’ve long passed by those foolish years of outraged and wild partying, so much so I couldn’t imagine doing it now.

Fun fact: I’ve largely believed I was invincible up until the end of last year and the first quarter of 2020. I’m imperfect teetering on grandiose that my own near bouts of death hadn’t shaken my superhuman complex.

This year, I found out I’m quite vulnerable. Injuries don’t require the painful but darkened bruises and trips to the hospital are always urgent and unwelcomed.

Hell, getting old and someday dying isn’t the part that scares me. Not being able to do everything I have planned does and frequently keeps me up at night. I don’t need infinite time on Earth, just better plans and ways to reach them. It’s the enigma that causes minds to wander into confusion as answers remain vague.

This year gave me too much to think about. I’ve dreaded being home indoors all this time and somehow, I was wrong.

What’s that stupid saying? Keep calm. Carry on. Later world.

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Let’s Hurry It Up

Two of my closest friends are expecting their first child. I’m excited as much as they are and to think I’ll be an uncle to someone is surreal. How odd, terrifying, but moving.

While I believe everyone on this journey of life sets their own pace, I’ve suddenly found myself wondering if I’m behind. The feelings come naturally when I’m preoccupied with work and why my savings isn’t miraculously going to solve all my problems. Different strokes for different folks, yet I’m here fixed on the monetary.

Don’t mistake it. Life isn’t all about money nor the material, but when life tries to fight you, I’m glad I can cover the seemingly too frequent visits the hospital. It’s a game of fighting the unexpected and misfortunate.

I’ve always told myself I couldn’t possibly be tied to a relationship right now with how busy work keeps me. Fun is immediate without the strings attached. Attachment itself is vulnerability and a slow stewing recipe for distress. Having a child is expensive once the reality phase comes hitting you like a train.

Like my grandma has told me countless times, stop to smell the roses and worry about yourself. Time is limited, yet we’re all trapped wishing for what others have while we are too distracted in how to obtain them. I am me. Next.

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Water in the Glass

This year is either the worst ever or the best I’ve had depending on my perspective. It’s one of those glass half empty or half full situations many people like to think of. If I make a list of what didn’t go right, I have the following:

– COVID-19, economy shutdown, Black Lives Matter, riots, my Grandma being ill, and stocks took a hit.

Being a bit more optimistic, leaves me with this:

– life goes on, my business launched, I’m getting a bonus next month, my investments are up, I still have a job, and my Grandma got treated

This year is so polarizing and only a little more than half of it is gone already. It kind of makes me wonder if this is a test for my ability to persevere in times of crisis and uncertainty. Overall, I’ll have to take it for what it is and keep focused on myself. I recently lack the energy to even stay up past 11 PM without suddenly falling asleep. I’ve been telling myself the exhaustion comes from work, but I wouldn’t be surprised if my mind has been at full blast all this time.

Later world.

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Los Angeles $$$

Los Angeles is all I know. I distinctly remember walking around downtown as a kid seeing all the tall skyscrapers and being at awe at the marvelous concrete jungle. The bustle of the city allured me then, but now I’m indifferent about life here.

My biggest complaint here is the high cost of living. Last I checked, I’m doing pretty well for myself, but your money goes quickly putting a roof over your head. You can save a bit by cooking more and budgeting, but there’s no escaping the costs associated here. If I could permanently work remotely, I would leave for another state or city in a heartbeat.

I feel I more or less recovered from the market crash and all my investments are in the green. I’m thankful, but seeing as how your livelihood hangs on a thread when there’s an outbreak doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t feel secure even with the nest egg I have and that shouldn’t be the case.

If everything plans out, I’ll have six figures saved up in various places ready to cash out for my house or condo. It’s the American dream. One that’s expensive, riddled with liabilities, and logically the next step in my life. It begs the question, would I do it?

I’ve been constantly thinking about this plan for a few years now and I’ve only err on the side of caution than my usual relentless optimism. Times like this I wish I wasn’t alone with just my thoughts. A second opinion helps and I’d imagine I could be quickly pushed the other way.

The path less traveled is the one walked alone and I feel I’ve only had a string of successes to push on forward. I know I could just live everyday as it comes but life comes as you fast and the better you have an idea of where you want to be, the less likely you’ll be just another ant in this world.

I don’t want to be just another person drifting. The days feel longer now that we’re on lockdown. My thoughts cascade into one another and my mood is slowly falling. I can almost hear my own heartbeat on some days. There’s a rhythm to life and right now, I’m off beat.

Later world.

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The Search for Answers

I’m kind of lucky. I know I can text a handful of friends, both male and female, for their opinion on something. I tend to fixate and overthink something until the very reason for doing so almost becomes unclear. Hands down, one of the most confusing habits I have. Eventually, I come to my senses and ask everyone for their thoughts.

I’m not going to lie. Some topics get dark and wouldn’t fit the narrative of an online journal. You have that secrecy that trust allows. Other times, it’s another question about a relationship or someone I’m seeing. In the end, all I’m looking for is their cold hard unfiltered opinion.

I think what I’ve come to realize is you’re not going to be able to save yourself. Best you can do is ask for help. There aren’t always answers even with your most trusted loyal group of friends to confide in. At least hear them out to look at the situation from their prospective.

2020: once you’re off the boat, you’ll need to really convince me to let you back on.

Later world.

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When the World Fights Back

November 23, 2019: What the Fuck?

Can it be Thanksgiving already? My day is off to a bad start and I’m annoyed I have to yet again work over the weekend. It feels like this is all I know and do this time of the year. My body feels like it’s running on empty and the lingering thought of running the new business doesn’t help. There’s so much setup involved — I wish I could have an assistant now. Seriously — have someone help me answer emails, pickup my second line, and enter data in spreadsheets. I can’t complain, yet — truly. I was given a double digit percentage raise and from my knowledge, none of my co-workers were given the same welcoming holiday treatment. One of them was joking how I can’t take any vacation days because from his perspective, “I’m indispensable here every single day”. Every… fucking… single… day. As funny as we made it seem, it hurts to know I might never get to use the almost months worth of vacation I’ve accrued since I’ve worked at my current job.

In other news, the internet here at my favorite coffee shop sucks today and I can’t for the life of me get my project dashboard to load. It’s like I’m back on the Internet in the early 2000s. Slow as molasses and web pages load in blocks as if it’s dial-up. Maybe this is a sign from above or some other worldly power that I need to take a chill pill. Just, relax and do nothing today. I more or less am my own department — which has a lot of advantages and perks. I’m practically never told what to do and have no real hard deadlines. It’s an interesting position I’ve been put in. So why do I feel so stressed? That I’ll never know. Perhaps setting my own aggressive deadlines is working against me. But is it? I’m only headed up and this month overall has been fantastic.

I got a new car, Apple replaced my entire computer for free passed warranty, and I finally treated myself to something nice I’ve been wanting. I feel neither sad or happy — just content. Honestly, come at me harder world. November is still my favorite month. I’ve gotten this far and I’ve checked off all of my goals and then some. What’s next? I’m eagerly waiting to find out. Danny, out.

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Phase 2

I’m being hired my own secretary, which honestly sounds exciting. Someone who will take calls and help out with the piles of forms and bills that will likely get sent my way. A receptionist essentially. I’m running my own business and there’s a ton of setup involved. Contracts, negotiations, insurance liabilities — it’s an endless mess of chaos beginning a business. The workload doesn’t scary me, the thought of it not meeting my own set of goals does.

I’m in uncharted territory for the first time in forever and while the doors are all open, that feeling of things possibly going very wrong is a possibility — however small it may seem. It will be the first time where I won’t have anyone telling me what to do and when. It all falls on me. You can say there’s some pressure involved, but tell me something that isn’t new.

During my meeting today, everyone has high expectations and you know what? I’m ready for anything coming. I’ll probably like this freedom bestowed upon me. I’m up and it’s about time.

Now to find a receptionist.

Later world.

 

 

 

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And the Show Goes On 2/5/2019

February is here in full swing. I’m enjoying the rain and clouds — but they’re only temporary. I’ve been giving this month a lot of thought lately. What’s next? I tend to ask myself that at least once a week. I have yet another dentist appointment followed by a visit to the orthodontist. Everything is cosmetic, but it’s all done in the name of self-improvement. I think by the end of the month, I’ll have clear aligners to straighten my teeth for the next 6 months. Is it fun? No. Painful? Yes. Coupled with my court hearing over the lady that hit me, this is going to be another busy week.

Plans / To Do’s for February and later:

  • Stay off social media indefinitely
    • Fuck that shit.
  • Drink more water
    • 1 gallon a day. I bought a fancy glass water jug I’m itching to get in the mail.
  • Run more
    • I do 5K without much effort and got a GPS watch to map my runs. I’m excited!
  • Two more dentist visits
    • Getting clear aligners to straighten my teeth by end of the month. Thank God for insurance.
  • Visit best friend in DC
    • Cost is not the issue. Finding time is. Fingers crossed I free myself from work soon.
  • Reinvest in stocks
    • I liquidated everything middle of last year before the downturn. 2019 looks to be a year of recovery, so there’s no better time to buy stocks on the cheap. My top picks are: Square, Tesla, Apple, Facebook, Microsoft, and Slack when their IPO launches.
  • New skin care routine
    • I’ve not afraid to admit I’m feeling old as fuck. I’ve been using the Shiseido Mens line for a year, but it’s stupid expensive. Trying to find a cheaper and organic alternative. P.S. fuck eczema.
  • Keep pursuing the lady that hit my car

Interesting thing about this lady — she’s doing her best to avoid me. It’s funny in some ways. She doesn’t want to own up to her mistakes or take responsibility for her actions. Somehow, in her eyes, it’s fine to drive without insurance when you have a baby in the car. I’ve kindly asked for her current mailing address so I can serve her the court papers, but she’s unwilling. Now I’m blocked.

I don’t think people are aware of this, but with a just a few dollars, you can look up someone’s complete location history and background info. So I did. I found her address along with every place she’s lived in the last several years. She’s moved a lot, much to my suspicion. To put it mildly, she doesn’t have her life together and she’s 45. What. The. Fuck.

I digress. People like her exist and maybe I shouldn’t be too surprised the lengths people go to to avoid paying fines.

Keep a level of optimism and nothing seems impossible. Later world.

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Catch Me

In many ways, we’re running from the past. You’re escaping yourself, who you were and chasing who you want to be. The road ahead isn’t all clear, yet you keep going nonetheless. I like to think everything you did up to this point lead you to this moment of time — just some of it was less than perfect. You tend to be alone majority of the time. People don’t understand your motivations and aren’t great at perspective taking. Why would they. Usually, they’ll already have their preconceived notions about you before they get to know you. All you’re trying to do is explain it. Don’t expect them to listen. Most are terrible listeners.

Here you are — running from yourself. I can’t say it’s all in darkness. There’s a bit of light to be found. Anyone with some idea of who they want to be would have some. All you need is an idea. You can’t plan for everything, but that’s all you need. Just a thought. Ask yourself what you want. Some wants aren’t needed though. There’s a difference from what you want and what you need. Everyone tends to want more than they need. I hear this a lot especially with friends and co-workers. I can see why so many live a life of excess and not feel complete or fulfilled in any meaningful way.

If you remember who you were, moving forward is worlds easier. It’s funny. My friends tell me to forget the past, which I take with some offense. To forget — what a stupid thing to say. At least by remembering, you’ll try to not fall and make the same mistakes that held you back in the first place. It’s all about progression and I can’t see how forgetting makes this a possibly.

Some call this staying grounded. I see it as running from yourself. If you don’t know who you were, I think you’ll have a long difficult road ahead of you in life. Best I can do is keep going forward and I’ll be hard pressed to think otherwise.

Life — I’m just living it. I don’t want to keep looking back.