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For Now and Always

I wouldn’t necessarily say you need a global pandemic to make you reevaluate your priorities, but with all the free time I have to myself, it seems prudent. Life the past few years has been fairly strong and quite goal oriented. Whether I’m motivated by the forces that are intrinsic is up for debate. I sometimes have this nagging reminder in the back of my mind of how far behind I once was that gives an extra push when the times are difficult.

I like a challenge and everyone should be weary of a life of ease and handouts. It’s not fulfilling and lacks the sweet feeling of a plan coming to fruition. I have all these bookmarks in my memory of days or weeks where I felt I was struggling and drowning from the forces of life. Yet, miraculously, here I am — barely with a scratch to be seen. This is metaphorically the value of perseverance in life’s unending dash through discovery. Goals have endings, but the journey continues.

I’ve written some five hundred plus entries in this online journal detailing my bouts of ups and downs. Some are sad. Some are joyful. Others the bitter feeling of disappointment. In the end, I find it incredibly refreshing to let it all be known to friends new, far and unknown.

I’m truthfully hopeful there’s more to be accomplished and self-reflect on. There is no end and I can only assume there’s someone out there on this Earth who shares the same sentiments and values. That would be a delight unmatched to any feeling the human body can feel and experience.

Perhaps I am a bit odd and different in the ways life affects me. Change with the times and see to it tomorrow is new and exciting. Different yet unknown. Feelings of the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Time has never felt so still and all I can think of is the next sunset that captures my sight or the darkness that brings another moon.

The curtain falls and with that — applause. Later world.

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The Past Comes Back

The most interesting thing happened last night, “Danny let’s talk”. It was from someone I used to love deeply, but due to rampant uncontrollable drug binges and round the clock drinking, drove away. I take full responsibility back then for ruining our relationship and lying to her for so long about it. She found out the very night she needed me the most and get, I was too high to physically get off the couch.

Eventually, I came clean but knew the end was near. Some time later, I wrote her a long apology never expecting her to see it on Messenger or reply back. It was so long ago and I’ve regretted what happened ever since.

I’m not sure where this is going or why she chose now to talk to me again, but I’m happy yet cautious. Delighted yet apologetic. Alert yet slowing.

I’m glad we’re talking again. Later world.

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September Blues

I’ve thought about it before, but I know it can never be a reality — the fresh start in life. It’s an interesting concept to ponder. To be able to start from the beginning, but still carry with you the experiences you felt years prior. Can it ever be a reality? Or is it just what fools think about when they find the misery associated with living too great? Recently, one of my closets friends moved to San Diego to start a new life. I’m happy for her and wish her all the best and then some. It’s incredible to know someone who follows through with their plans and see it come to fruition.

What is it really to start from the beginning? Can you really disregard all the events that shaped you before and sweep it under the rug? People carry with you in your thoughts, even if the distances become greater. Physical locales might be different and anew, but dreams transport you back to the familiar. In that sense, I don’t think you can escape the past — merely run from it.

Life carries on. Time does too. Later world.

 

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Don’t Look Back

The past has a way of sneaking back often when it’s unwanted.

Through careful observation, my two best friends are routinely stuck in the past. One of them hasn’t been in a relationship since 2012, while the other left town to leave his troubles only to have them reappear in a different city. Yikes. For the sake of anonymity, I’ll call them Friend 1 and Friend 2 respectively.

Friend 1

From what I know, his first and only relationship brought him to the brink of implosion. I was there through much of the glory years of rose-colored lenses. He was happy and we all saw it. She told me he was the jealous type, but I think it’s to be expected in she’s your first and only. For what felt like overnight, she broke it off with him and left him sad and depressed. Mix in a large amount of alcohol and an angered emotional state and you have a recipe for disaster.

That was 7 years ago and to this day, when he’s drunk enough, he’ll tell me how much of an ill-effect this break up had on him. It’s quite sad and disheartening to have one bad relationship linger so much in someone’s consciousness. It’s one of the risks you take in being with someone — vulnerability is a double edge sword. Love and feelings have a more profound impact, but leaves you open for the sting that jealousy or a break up brings.

To say he hasn’t fully moved on would be an understatement. While we normally hang out in the likes of Highland Park and Glendale, he refuses to go to Pasadena at the off chance he may run into her. This is absolutely implausible considering the size of the city and the places we normally go to.

Friend 2

I like to call it like I see it. He’s a white knight and often finds himself chasing back the same woman we both know isn’t right for him. He thinks he can save her and help with her issues. It was back in 2013 when he first told me about her. By my recollection, I didn’t like anything he said, so I told him upfront: she’s not right for you and has a lot of personal issues. What the fuck?

Needless to say, this upset him, but he brushed it off as nothing. I knew it wouldn’t end well from the get go. Fast forward to the present, he informed me she moved to the same city as him, unknown to him. Supposedly, they have broken up, but that still leaves the issue of sleeping together problematic. While we were both drinking at a local bar, he informed me he got her pregnant and had to pay for an abortion.

I was angered and upset beyond belief. “Are you fucking serious? Bro, how the fuck did that happen?” It was something uttered along those lines. He says this is the last straw and swore left and right this was the end. I want to believe it, but I’ve heard that like a broken record for the past several years. Let’s hope for the best for his sake.

 

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Of a Memory Past

I find it strange as new opportunities have opened, other ones close with suddenness. I suppose in life there’s only so many avenues you can go. Time and effort is required to keep all bridges, but we’re all running out of time. Like falling grains sand, the last one will fall eventually.

I call this one “Of a Memory Past”. Seems fitting since my thoughts dwell on past-present on most days.


Troubled thoughts of a memories past,

Come forth in the night as if all light was cast,

 

Shadow days of the lone star sky,

I gaze into the night of another bye,

 

Since the dawn has set and the rose has welt,

Live for tomorrow and hope we’d met,

 

Saving grace of the time that’s gone,

No soul was wronged for another song,

 

Say goodbye my dearest love,

Our times have gone and before we wronged,

I’ll end this song until the next eon,