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Words, They Hurt Me

In the lifetime I’ve been alive, I can always recall some of the most painful words ever spoken to me.

“We can still be friends.”

“We had a nice run…”

“I never loved you.”

“Did you hear about grandpa?”

Such feelings are shared between people. Sadness, grief and the feeling that overcomes you. It pulls at your heart strings and hums of a tune you wish not to know. Unsurprisingly, those feelings lose their intensity as time passes, but the thought alone triggers them. Now, just a lingering itch from a time that felt so long ago.

Later world.

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The Moment

I wish our moment hadn’t gone,

Eyes teary and sad of the times we wronged,

Where haven’t we’ve gone?

A year troubled and torment of the ending song,

What stars do we wish upon?

Not the light above and the skies til dawn,

Like endless tales and the chapters once upon,

You couldn’t be wrong,

Left me so and the nights that haunt,

Let me go and never sung so long of the time that feels so long…

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The Past Comes Back

The most interesting thing happened last night, “Danny let’s talk”. It was from someone I used to love deeply, but due to rampant uncontrollable drug binges and round the clock drinking, drove away. I take full responsibility back then for ruining our relationship and lying to her for so long about it. She found out the very night she needed me the most and get, I was too high to physically get off the couch.

Eventually, I came clean but knew the end was near. Some time later, I wrote her a long apology never expecting her to see it on Messenger or reply back. It was so long ago and I’ve regretted what happened ever since.

I’m not sure where this is going or why she chose now to talk to me again, but I’m happy yet cautious. Delighted yet apologetic. Alert yet slowing.

I’m glad we’re talking again. Later world.

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2004: I Thought I Was the Shit

I was last in middle school 15 years ago. I don’t miss it a bit, which only makes hearing about an upcoming class reunion strange. Through the magic of the internet, I’ve been linked to a class of 2004 account one of my old friends made. Do people really want to revisit that part of our lives — and now?

I’m a little confused. I was 13 back then and now more than twice that age. Seems silly to want to reconnect from the Xanga, Friendster and AOL era. What happened to letting go? Seeing pictures from that time make me cringe. It’s embarrassing and a lot of fun to laugh at just how uncool the cool ones look now. Isn’t that part of growing up? Realizing how blunderous your self-confidence and coolness wasn’t really there?

I’ll have more fun laughing at old pictures than any reunion. Later world.

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Baby…

I see the face of a thousand lives,

Scarlet rose without a petal for mine,

Was it fate to know we tried,

For a hundred times,

Broken love for the passing time,

The clock hits twelve on the and where we lie,

Lonely hearts that weep and cry,

Call me a monster until I die,

Baby — no more tears and endless cries,

—–

Give her the world and all the oceans within, and just maybe she’ll change her mind.

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Letting Go: Anger, Resentment & Solace

People tend to tell me a lot of things. It’s one of the caveats to being a trusted confidant when you yourself is so open about your life — both successes and failures. I have a co-worker who has told me much about her past — mainly the not so delightful relationships she’s encountered with some men. It’s tragic in many ways to hear how wronged she was, but nevertheless, life goes on. Or does it?

I’ve noticed she, like many others, hold a lot of hostility from their past grievances with their partners.

Fuck him.

It’s a abundantly clear time has not yet simmered down their feels for that person. But it should. I’d be hard pressed to believe the other party even thinks of them as negatively as they do or preoccupy so much of their mind. In other words, don’t give them anymore or your time, if they likely don’t have a thought of yours.

Letting go is one of the few things in life only accomplished the long and difficult way. No amount of reading or advice makes it easier or faster. It’s the loudspeaker in your head that becomes deafening at high volumes. At the beginning, you’re engulfed in chaotic noise, but with some time, it should be no more than a annoying buzz. It might be a oversimplification of the processes that make bad thoughts become easier, but I hope the idea is there.

I’ve have a few bad times. Several years have passed and it’s no more than just an inconvenience I faced relative to where I am now. There were times I was wronged, belittled, attacked, and berated, but coming to terms with what transpired made it all better. I can’t say there’s a path one can take to find inner peace with themselves or let go of the past that so easily makes a return, but anything less is a life of hardship and turmoil. Skeletons in the closet should remain boarded shut and forgotten. Time waits for no one. Might as well see the light — find it now rather than never.

I can say with all sincerity I harbor no negative feelings for anyone no matter what transpired previously. The journey of life is perilous and all I can do is take each day with a new perspective. It’s all about how you perceive it — positivity is medicine for all wounds — physical and emotional.

I don’t hate, I don’t despise, and I sure don’t anchor on to any point in the past. By some stroke of fate my time here is cut short and I’m moments from leaving this realm, I know I’ll calmly close my eyes and feel at peace with the world. I don’t need a last minute confession or a few last words. That is not how I or anyone should go out.

See life for what it is. To some it’s a journey. To me is a voyage at sea. No matter what, find solace and let go. Later world.

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Never Again

You met me at my highest of highs. It was interesting for me — or the new me at the time. I felt on top of the world for what felt like forever once I turned my life around. All those months and years culminating to our chance encounter that one day. How lucky. The universe threw me a bone and I instantly wanted to know more about you. Our conversations were short, but the itch was there.

One thing lead to another and we were texting. I didn’t know what to make of it, but I was curious and perhaps you were too. Everyone loves the beginnings of a relationship — how could they possibly not. Call me crazy, but I was confident and people tend to like that. I knew what I wanted and you had to be in picture. Maybe I’m a fast worker, but just the following week, we were official. It’s a common theme in my life. Snap my fingers and there I am again — commitment, but without any idea of the consequences that were to come.

I loved you. You quickly opened up — both the good, bad, and the better not said. Nothing bothered me too much. Relative to my life, it felt a walk in the park. I told you all my deepest darkest secrets and you felt connected to me deeply. We peeled back the first few layers and soon we were both vulnerable. Words can bond us, but now drive us apart in an instant.

It wasn’t easy by any means. You had a temper only your most trust friends knew and saw. You told me you were sad and for a very long time. It saddened me, but I hid it. What can I do, really? I didn’t see myself as your magic bandaid in life and I kept that thought in the back of my mind. Before we knew it, you couldn’t leave me out of your sight.

I absolutely hated this about you. The all too typical clingy girlfriend who hassled and nagged when the other party wasn’t responding. It was a warning sign for things to come, but I told myself that’s just how some people are. We lived together for months on end — never being more than a few feet away from each other. It was fun in the beginning, but I quickly wanted space. I wanted out, but you disagreed by using the silent treatment.

It’s not like I wanted to upset you. You had one idea of the relationship and I had mine. I wanted more independence and you wanted more of me. I could give you the entire world, but I knew it would never satisfy you. Even when I was away, it felt like I couldn’t get you out of my sight. The constant barrage of texts and messages overwhelmed me. I hated it and even now when someone does the same thing.

Perhaps you still have some hostility for me for calling it off. I don’t miss you a bit. I call this time in my life a lesson for the future. Never again.

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Lost in Time

I feel like I’m constantly in battle with myself. There who I am, who I was, and who I want to be. They say shouldn’t judge others based on their past actions, but is it really the case? I find myself so lost in my thoughts that I don’t feel I ever see the present. Some days feel dull and uninteresting, which is not what a bright sunny So Cal day is suppose to invoke. I often wish I could relive the past. Just step foot into a time machine, punch in the exact date I want to return to, and off I go.

Funny thing is, I have an exact date and time I’d like to go back to. It was with someone close to me who meant the world. We spent the day together on that date. It’s one of most cherished memories and I hope I never forget it. Isn’t this what life is? To reminisce about the days we loved with the ones we held most dear to?

Later world.

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To Be Missed

Being told you’re missed is one the best feelings there is. To be remembered by someone you care about brings back a lot of memories. Some call it a flashback. I call it yearning for the past. I don’t usually forget friends, but have a tendency to believe they’ve forgotten about me. I’m usually wrong.

My roommate from college told me a lot of sweet things recently. We keep in touch and I often wish there wasn’t some 10+ hours of driving separating us. She’s a peach.

What is life? To be loved. To be missed. To wish today was yesterday.

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Once Again

Time stood still and the world frozen,

A cold breeze of winter,

And eyes that were open,

I saw you from afar and the lights turned off,

Terror in my heart,

And silence from my mouth,

You retuned again,

But without a word,

Ghost.