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I Had a Panic Attack

Four days ago, I felt my chest beat so hard and rapidly, I thought my heart was going to explode. I feared the worst and with my entire family around me as my body was slowly clenching up, I told them my final goodbyes in case this was the end. In some twisted sense of morality, I let go and told everyone I loved them dearly and said sorry for having to go like this — and so terrifyingly. Of the highest order of my guiding principles on how to live life, I consider this action “directive one” or leave this world peacefully with everyone.

The paramedics arrived and put me on an ambulance to the nearest hospital where they quickly diagnosed me with a severe panic attack. A nurse administered a shot — on a my butt no less. My heart rate went from over 250 back down to 100 in a matter of minutes, but it felt like an eternity for me.

I’m alive. I feel relatively unscathed. Maybe there’s a bit of post traumatic stress disorder still lingering somewhere in my thoughts, but the four days of Xanax I’ve taken has completely removed my ability to even think for myself let alone worry. This might just be the worst year I’ve ever experienced and for good reason.

In those fear filled moments where I thought I was going to die of a sudden heart attack, I wondered to myself, “Wow. This is how I’m going to go — dying and in pain”. It’s morbid to consider. My entire life played like a long movie in my head and this was the finale. I remember thinking I did well for myself even if my life was going to be cut short. I knew if I wasn’t going to be around, at least the very people I love would be taken cared of. I have a very extensive will outlining how my assets get divided up upon my passing and it’s more than what some people make in an entire year.

I’m trying to find some silver lining to this traumatic experience and I’ve come to realize that: 1) I don’t rest enough 2) my friend’s activities are in direct contradiction with my morals and 3) I can die in peace. The last one is a bit much, but I know it to be certain. I’ll be spending less on what the meaning of life is and more about just living to my fullest potential from here on out. It’s strange, yet philosophical.

To all my readers, best wishes and with love. Later world.

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Friday in the Hospital

Seriously, this month just won’t let up. On our way back to Montebello, I passed out in the Uber and was unable to be made conscious again. My girl friend frantically shook me and ended up calling 911.

I was told the cops where kind of dicks. One shouted at me, “Wake up or you’re going to jail.” It didn’t do a thing. After realizing I’m beyond able to reawake, I was taken to the emergency room where I was held until the morning. Blood tests, a CAT scan, and whole host of other things were taped onto my body for monitoring.

I guess you can say my concussion from the accident was more serve than I had imagined. After realizing where I was, I ripped everything off of me and asked to be discharged. My dad came to pick me up and another shit show would be brewing at home.

I know I’m not invincible the least bit. Sucks I had to miss another day of work, but whatever. The office can figure most things out without me being there.

2019: I felt like I was closer to dying and all because of a stupid pothole on the road.

Later world. I’m alive and ready for another day.

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To My Baby Sister

I went car buying with my baby sister last night. There was a near perfect Volkswagen Golf GTI Autobahn that was certified pre-owned. I found out hours earlier my insurance company is paying out more than what my car is worth and I get to pocket the rest. The dealership is also refunding me the extended warranty plan and maintenance package I bought at the time of purchase. That can be put towards this new car. All together, I’m looking at nearly $6000 back in my hands. Pretty sweet if you ask me.

It’s weird how life can fuck you up with a concussion, but quickly discover there’s a glimmer of good news just waiting for you. What’s that phrase again? Life, you son of a bitch. After all this, I’m just hoping to get my memory back to normal. I feel like I’m only 80% there right now, with the missing portion rest and plenty of relaxation.

My friend always says, “Shit happens”. Which is definitely true, but instead of having it bring you down to the depths of despair, find a new avenue to approach it. I spent all day figuring out my options, calling my insurance company, checking dealerships, and more importantly — moving quickly to make a bad situation better. You can say I went against my doctor’s orders to stay put and relax, but that’s up for debate another day.

With the perfect (a bit 2nd) car picked out and an agreement to sell it only to me, I walked out happy as a bear with honey. My sis drove that night so we had a long drive back together. It’s not usually we get to be alone like this so I took a deep breath and told her my lingering thoughts.

I assured her there was absolutely no alcohol or drugs involved in my accident and everything I’ve told her has been the complete truth. I said I loved her and my brother more than I let on and while I was hurt, I’ll be fine and I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.

I confessed again to her my long-standing problems with depression, anxiety, and alcohol use. I know it troubles her to see me like this, like that, so I said I was sorry. From bottom of my heart I am. I can say I don’t always have the best habits or set the best example for my siblings and for that, I hope they forgive me for my misgivings and behavior. I said to her I was lucky to walk away from the accident and reassured her I would make some lifestyle changes.

She was on the verge of crying.

Later world. Daniel’s still here, alive, but just slightly bruised. Nice try.

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Reach Out

In my darkest hour,

I felt my pulse grow weak,

My heartbeat slower,

I was dying,

My eyes fell and my face into the seat,

The room became darker,

Everything a blur,

I lifted myself up slightly,

Moved no further,

I saw you standing in the room,

A ghost that has been waiting,

I cried a tear and several fell,

I reached out with my hand for you,

And yet you didn’t do the same,

I wasn’t ready to die yet

—-

It’s an interesting experience nearly dying. I don’t think I’m traumatized by it, more so enlightened. I’ve never felt so alive since then. Appreciate everyday more. You don’t always have tomorrow to look forward to.