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Let’s Hurry It Up

Two of my closest friends are expecting their first child. I’m excited as much as they are and to think I’ll be an uncle to someone is surreal. How odd, terrifying, but moving.

While I believe everyone on this journey of life sets their own pace, I’ve suddenly found myself wondering if I’m behind. The feelings come naturally when I’m preoccupied with work and why my savings isn’t miraculously going to solve all my problems. Different strokes for different folks, yet I’m here fixed on the monetary.

Don’t mistake it. Life isn’t all about money nor the material, but when life tries to fight you, I’m glad I can cover the seemingly too frequent visits the hospital. It’s a game of fighting the unexpected and misfortunate.

I’ve always told myself I couldn’t possibly be tied to a relationship right now with how busy work keeps me. Fun is immediate without the strings attached. Attachment itself is vulnerability and a slow stewing recipe for distress. Having a child is expensive once the reality phase comes hitting you like a train.

Like my grandma has told me countless times, stop to smell the roses and worry about yourself. Time is limited, yet we’re all trapped wishing for what others have while we are too distracted in how to obtain them. I am me. Next.

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Love and This Year

2020 is quite unusual. Pandemic aside, I didn’t fall head over heels in love and I didn’t date anyone new. I blame COVID for the lack of feelings to be had this year, but tell me something that isn’t already obvious. It’s strange. Normally, I could list a few good places I’ve been to with the lady or a few new experiences to be shared, but all that came to a halt.

Say it ain’t so. I’ve felt cheapened by the events of this year. Watered down even. The few casual encounters or what I like to call “extracurricular activities” I’ve had with women weren’t too meaningful nor something my mind to fixate on. Let’s not even number the headcount.

Everyone had this haze around them. I don’t blame them nor the constant reminders we’re inching towards a post-apocalyptic world — it can’t be helped. Shit. All I’m looking forward to is Thanksgiving — my all time favorite holiday. I can’t imagine the logistics around it, but I’m dreaming. This can’t all be happening and yet it is.

Later world.

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Rainy Day Fund

Life has a way of throwing too much in my direction. I’ve gotten a surprise bill in the mail. A cool four figures owed. Ouch.

I’ve noticed this year has a way of being expected. COVID, riots, heightened attitudes… something doesn’t feel right all year. Honestly, how can it. I’ve largely been unaffected this entire time. Call me thankful to still manage to get by relatively unscathed financially.

I’ve been in the hospital twice in less than a year. Can’t say that is a good sign for things to come, but here I am: tired, sweaty, and unenthusiastic about tomorrow. I’ve come to realize just because I don’t show the underlying emotion, doesn’t mean it’s not unknowingly affecting my well-being. I’m not as invincible as I believe.

Now I’m just mortal. Those feats of stupidity and brazen disregard for life have finally caught up to me. I can’t run any longer and the finish line gets farther. The lion has bitten back and I’m left hopping for the next kilometer.

I want the next year to come already. Give me Thanksgiving and fast forward to the next year, please. Best of luck to everyone wandering, but not yet lost.

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2020: I’ll Be Vain

I’m less optimistic about this year with each passing day, so fuck it — really. If you can’t save the year, might as well do something for yourself. Next week, I’m going in for a consultation to get all my teeth redone.

You might consider this extreme, but I categorize this under self-improvement. It doesn’t seem like business will resume back to normal and there’s plenty of downtime every afternoon.

2020 — I can’t save you, so I’ll be selfish and vain. Later world.

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I Had a Panic Attack

Four days ago, I felt my chest beat so hard and rapidly, I thought my heart was going to explode. I feared the worst and with my entire family around me as my body was slowly clenching up, I told them my final goodbyes in case this was the end. In some twisted sense of morality, I let go and told everyone I loved them dearly and said sorry for having to go like this — and so terrifyingly. Of the highest order of my guiding principles on how to live life, I consider this action “directive one” or leave this world peacefully with everyone.

The paramedics arrived and put me on an ambulance to the nearest hospital where they quickly diagnosed me with a severe panic attack. A nurse administered a shot — on a my butt no less. My heart rate went from over 250 back down to 100 in a matter of minutes, but it felt like an eternity for me.

I’m alive. I feel relatively unscathed. Maybe there’s a bit of post traumatic stress disorder still lingering somewhere in my thoughts, but the four days of Xanax I’ve taken has completely removed my ability to even think for myself let alone worry. This might just be the worst year I’ve ever experienced and for good reason.

In those fear filled moments where I thought I was going to die of a sudden heart attack, I wondered to myself, “Wow. This is how I’m going to go — dying and in pain”. It’s morbid to consider. My entire life played like a long movie in my head and this was the finale. I remember thinking I did well for myself even if my life was going to be cut short. I knew if I wasn’t going to be around, at least the very people I love would be taken cared of. I have a very extensive will outlining how my assets get divided up upon my passing and it’s more than what some people make in an entire year.

I’m trying to find some silver lining to this traumatic experience and I’ve come to realize that: 1) I don’t rest enough 2) my friend’s activities are in direct contradiction with my morals and 3) I can die in peace. The last one is a bit much, but I know it to be certain. I’ll be spending less on what the meaning of life is and more about just living to my fullest potential from here on out. It’s strange, yet philosophical.

To all my readers, best wishes and with love. Later world.

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Time Out

Some days I feel like I have all the time in the world. Today feels different. Perhaps I’ve been too busy to keep to myself and I’m finally overwhelmed with life and all it’s nagging problems.

What a cruel world we live in.

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I Feel Behind

One of the more alarming problems I face is how I constantly feel like I’m “behind”. I have a great job and my income is decent, but I can never shake the feeling. Even when I know there are people much worse out there in the city without jobs and financial support, I can’t reason myself out of this thought.

I would assume it stems from what my uncle told me a few years ago. In his own words, no matter how much you make, eventually, you will think it’s not enough. There’s this imaginary ceiling I’ve created. Next year I’ll make this much, but once I do reach it, a higher ceiling is created. I’m either not seeing the full picture or my thoughts are too fixated on the wrong priorities.

It’s one of those reasons I much rather find ways to be content with life than go out searching for happiness. What good is happiness when it’s only momentarily? I think this year has been especially difficult processing all these conflicting thoughts. I should be thankful and yet I’m not. There’s a bonus waiting for me next month, but I disregard it. I’m healthy and determined, but the future feels uncertain.

Someone save me. Later world.

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Water in the Glass

This year is either the worst ever or the best I’ve had depending on my perspective. It’s one of those glass half empty or half full situations many people like to think of. If I make a list of what didn’t go right, I have the following:

– COVID-19, economy shutdown, Black Lives Matter, riots, my Grandma being ill, and stocks took a hit.

Being a bit more optimistic, leaves me with this:

– life goes on, my business launched, I’m getting a bonus next month, my investments are up, I still have a job, and my Grandma got treated

This year is so polarizing and only a little more than half of it is gone already. It kind of makes me wonder if this is a test for my ability to persevere in times of crisis and uncertainty. Overall, I’ll have to take it for what it is and keep focused on myself. I recently lack the energy to even stay up past 11 PM without suddenly falling asleep. I’ve been telling myself the exhaustion comes from work, but I wouldn’t be surprised if my mind has been at full blast all this time.

Later world.

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3 MILLION DOLLARS

Retirement is in 35 years for me, which is a long time to consider. I found one of those retirement planning calculators online and it said I would need over 3 million dollars to retire comfortably. That’s a lot.

While seemingly impossible, it’s not. Save money like I always do and keep investing. I’ve had a lot of friends ask me about investing and more or less, they seemed mildly impressed. While some out there spend their time watching TV or whatever lame brain show is the new fad, I can’t stand it. To sit and do nothing is counter productive.

I don’t believe too many people consider their future as much as I do, but the end goal is live a long life without having to struggle to make ends meet. While I’m not old, this puts me in a position to set myself up for the future — one that includes owning a home, having assets and most importantly, a family. I’m always amazed at how little time people plan for life and act on impulse. Everyone wants it now and actively seek immediate gratification. It’s sad and a mistake.

Take the $1200 everyone got as a stimulus check. I still have all of it. My friends spent theirs. Nice? It’s rather foolish if you ask me. Free money that you didn’t plan on having at the beginning of this year shouldn’t be blown on some extravagant purchase. It’s one of my pet peeves with people my age — stupid spending and a lack of proper money management.

At the current rate, I’ll be worth six figures in the next couple years. It’s a far cry from how I was after college. I feel quite good about myself but I’m willing to bet a few closest to me are jealous. You can’t expect people in this economy to be envious. So be it. Everyone loves to criticize you when you’re down in the dumps but when you’re above them, suddenly they’re silent. It’s fucking pathetic.

I like working which is the crazy thing. I did 60 hours this week and finally launched my company as well. The satisfaction is high and there is no better feeling than having it all come together. My work ethic is one of my better qualities. Granted it doesn’t leave me much for a regular social life but if the end result is prosperity, I’ll buckle down and keep at it to make the dream a reality.

Life can be so open ended and somehow I condensed what I want into three main goals. There’s a charming simplicity to it. This year was one of the craziest there was and yet I’m all smiles and optimistic. I’m doing alright and my God, I like it.

Later world.

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I’m Getting Old

As the title states: I’m getting old. No seriously. I have a few grey hairs and there’s no denying my age. Recently, the summer heat has me as parched as the Sahara Desert and headaches are becoming frequent. My solution, or at least my attempt, is drinking a gallon of water a day. I’ve been at it since the first of this month and I’ve already noticed a considerable difference in my skin tone.

I’ve had lingering redness for a while and this regime of reaching my daily water quota has me looking fresh and less tired. Granted there’s only so much one can do if you’re going to work at 7:30 AM and working til 5 PM, but I’m trying.

I think every guy should do something more that the typical face wash and shave in the morning. You more than likely need it. I wash my face with the Shiseido Men’s facial scrub and follow up with a shave. Afterwards, I apply a moisturizer and let that sink into my face and follow up with sunblock — all from the same line. My aunt introduced me to this brand and I definitely liking the results.

My friends consider this too much, but my masculinity is no way threatened. Last I checked, taking care of yourself is something everyone should be doing everyday — not just females.

Every couple weeks, I take a eyebrow razor to all the overgrown hairs to clean them up. This by far makes the biggest difference in my appearance. Maybe this is high maintenance or whatever clever comment someone who wishes to crack a joke at my expense, but the results don’t lie.

I remember back in the early 2000s there was a term to describe someone like myself: metrosexual? Ick. Who would of guessed self care could be so polarizing.

I’m so glad tomorrow is Friday. Later world.