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Leaving, Going, Gone

No less than three of my co-workers are quitting this month: the receptionist, logistics manager, and the accountant. Shit like this terrifies me. Is there something I can’t see that they do? Am I blind? Delusional? Everyone has told me their version of why they want to leave for new beginnings, but I can’t help but feel uneasy about the sudden mass exit.

Will I be here forever? It sure feels like it at this point. After the receptionist leaving, the original team who started at our office will only be the general manager and myself. Just two fucking people. Honestly, this entire January blows. Everyone has had it with the drama here and finding three replacements will be difficult.

Three co-workers have checked out… Fuck me, I’m dreaming.

 

 

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Letting Go: Anger, Resentment & Solace

People tend to tell me a lot of things. It’s one of the caveats to being a trusted confidant when you yourself is so open about your life — both successes and failures. I have a co-worker who has told me much about her past — mainly the not so delightful relationships she’s encountered with some men. It’s tragic in many ways to hear how wronged she was, but nevertheless, life goes on. Or does it?

I’ve noticed she, like many others, hold a lot of hostility from their past grievances with their partners.

Fuck him.

It’s a abundantly clear time has not yet simmered down their feels for that person. But it should. I’d be hard pressed to believe the other party even thinks of them as negatively as they do or preoccupy so much of their mind. In other words, don’t give them anymore or your time, if they likely don’t have a thought of yours.

Letting go is one of the few things in life only accomplished the long and difficult way. No amount of reading or advice makes it easier or faster. It’s the loudspeaker in your head that becomes deafening at high volumes. At the beginning, you’re engulfed in chaotic noise, but with some time, it should be no more than a annoying buzz. It might be a oversimplification of the processes that make bad thoughts become easier, but I hope the idea is there.

I’ve have a few bad times. Several years have passed and it’s no more than just an inconvenience I faced relative to where I am now. There were times I was wronged, belittled, attacked, and berated, but coming to terms with what transpired made it all better. I can’t say there’s a path one can take to find inner peace with themselves or let go of the past that so easily makes a return, but anything less is a life of hardship and turmoil. Skeletons in the closet should remain boarded shut and forgotten. Time waits for no one. Might as well see the light — find it now rather than never.

I can say with all sincerity I harbor no negative feelings for anyone no matter what transpired previously. The journey of life is perilous and all I can do is take each day with a new perspective. It’s all about how you perceive it — positivity is medicine for all wounds — physical and emotional.

I don’t hate, I don’t despise, and I sure don’t anchor on to any point in the past. By some stroke of fate my time here is cut short and I’m moments from leaving this realm, I know I’ll calmly close my eyes and feel at peace with the world. I don’t need a last minute confession or a few last words. That is not how I or anyone should go out.

See life for what it is. To some it’s a journey. To me is a voyage at sea. No matter what, find solace and let go. Later world.

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Don’t Look Back

The past has a way of sneaking back often when it’s unwanted.

Through careful observation, my two best friends are routinely stuck in the past. One of them hasn’t been in a relationship since 2012, while the other left town to leave his troubles only to have them reappear in a different city. Yikes. For the sake of anonymity, I’ll call them Friend 1 and Friend 2 respectively.

Friend 1

From what I know, his first and only relationship brought him to the brink of implosion. I was there through much of the glory years of rose-colored lenses. He was happy and we all saw it. She told me he was the jealous type, but I think it’s to be expected in she’s your first and only. For what felt like overnight, she broke it off with him and left him sad and depressed. Mix in a large amount of alcohol and an angered emotional state and you have a recipe for disaster.

That was 7 years ago and to this day, when he’s drunk enough, he’ll tell me how much of an ill-effect this break up had on him. It’s quite sad and disheartening to have one bad relationship linger so much in someone’s consciousness. It’s one of the risks you take in being with someone — vulnerability is a double edge sword. Love and feelings have a more profound impact, but leaves you open for the sting that jealousy or a break up brings.

To say he hasn’t fully moved on would be an understatement. While we normally hang out in the likes of Highland Park and Glendale, he refuses to go to Pasadena at the off chance he may run into her. This is absolutely implausible considering the size of the city and the places we normally go to.

Friend 2

I like to call it like I see it. He’s a white knight and often finds himself chasing back the same woman we both know isn’t right for him. He thinks he can save her and help with her issues. It was back in 2013 when he first told me about her. By my recollection, I didn’t like anything he said, so I told him upfront: she’s not right for you and has a lot of personal issues. What the fuck?

Needless to say, this upset him, but he brushed it off as nothing. I knew it wouldn’t end well from the get go. Fast forward to the present, he informed me she moved to the same city as him, unknown to him. Supposedly, they have broken up, but that still leaves the issue of sleeping together problematic. While we were both drinking at a local bar, he informed me he got her pregnant and had to pay for an abortion.

I was angered and upset beyond belief. “Are you fucking serious? Bro, how the fuck did that happen?” It was something uttered along those lines. He says this is the last straw and swore left and right this was the end. I want to believe it, but I’ve heard that like a broken record for the past several years. Let’s hope for the best for his sake.

 

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Letting Go: An Open Letter

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Letting go is difficult.

I wouldn’t call this an open letter to the world to show what type of person I am when it comes to breaking off contact with someone I care about. Yet, from time to time, it happens because I want it to. I remember in great detail every woman I’ve seen, been with, loved, and cared deeply for. Years may pass, but I’m powerless stop something from triggering a memory with someone. It’s a blessing and curse to not forget. To somehow be thrown back in time where feelings existed, moments were made and captured, and the world seem small. It was a time less scary, less intimidating, and something of my oyster.

Attachment is a double edge sword. Days go by and they are all you think about. Just that one person who meant the world to you becomes a fixation of the mind. Call it a lingering ghost of the seasons past or the chill that startles the body when you least suspect it — love comes and goes. Feelings come and go. And friends do too. The reasons may vary. Some become overly dependent and risk their own self independence. Others find me a bother and it’s best I removed myself from their world and the chapters within for the sake of their own well-being. I give them the benefit of the doubt, but at a certain point, I find their antics annoying and extremely bothersome. It hurts to do so, as it’s not an easy feat to just want to let someone go from your mind and consciousness.

It pains me and perhaps it pains them too. I’ve seen about five women in the year I’ve started writing daily. Some were serious. Others were not. Compatibility was mixed. Regardless, I keep a nice memory to hold and hope they do too. I am incapable for harboring and carrying hostility or negative feelings for someone no matter what transpired in the heat of the moment. I’ve had my fair share of moments, words, and actions I wish I could take back. Yet, what’s done is done and there is no going back. Life is not a VCR with a rewind button as much as I want to revisit parts of my past. Offer an apology when needed had hope they understand and am forgiving. Better yet, learn to forgive yourself for the mistake too.

Knowing me, with enough time, I’d eventually rid myself of any lingering feelings towards someone, negative or not. I can’t say that is a positive attribute to have, as I’d likely be walking right back into the lion’s den without a sword or shield. But what do I know. I find it impossible to ignore a text or call.

Welcome to my world. I hope you enjoyed your stay on my little raft at sea. I’m not floating aimless without an idea of the destination.

Later world.

 

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On Her Time

My beloved Grandma told me towards the end of last year, she doesn’t have much time left here. It crushed me. Moving me to tears in an instant. I stiffened up and told her with confidence that she would be around for a long time. My words said one thing, but the pain in hearing her voice the inevitable sent me to an existential crisis. She is central to my life and core, but she was right. She’s much older now and I’d be foolish to think she’d have all the time in the world.

She told me she was afraid and has been for many years. A two story house in the hills and yet she fears living alone. It bothers me. And it hasn’t left my mind since then. My Grandpa protected her for all those years they were together and somehow she’s now left to fend for herself against the outside world. It’s been ten years since he left us. Was she really like this all this time? She often tells me over the phone to not stay out so late — to not go to the bars or clubs. To watch my surroundings. I can take care of myself, but realizing the extent she feels she’s alone doesn’t sit well with me.

Growing old is terrifying. I wish I had more time, but you want what you can’t have. What am I without her? I have a difficult time letting go and hearing her voice the truth won’t make it any easier.

Life is a bitch.

 

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Ghosts Tell Lies

You told me you loved me,

And time stood still,

I felt the warmth you brought,

But lingering despair,

—–

The skies stopped moving,

And the rain felt cold,

Something of a thunderstorm,

And a ghost that’s near,

—–

I left you from afar

And cried a tear,

Many fell from your face,

Yet none to bare,

—–

Memories faded from view,

And all turned grey,

Loves comes and goes,

A shadow in the darkness by mayfair

—–

We were once one

Like inseparable souls,

Walking together in the sunset,

And wandering no where

—–

I left you behind on that faithful day,

Forever a lone goodbye

Until the end of time

Waving once more — gone with no cry

—–

I never did like saying goodbye. Why should anything have to end?