Letting go is difficult.
I wouldn’t call this an open letter to the world to show what type of person I am when it comes to breaking off contact with someone I care about. Yet, from time to time, it happens because I want it to. I remember in great detail every woman I’ve seen, been with, loved, and cared deeply for. Years may pass, but I’m powerless stop something from triggering a memory with someone. It’s a blessing and curse to not forget. To somehow be thrown back in time where feelings existed, moments were made and captured, and the world seem small. It was a time less scary, less intimidating, and something of my oyster.
Attachment is a double edge sword. Days go by and they are all you think about. Just that one person who meant the world to you becomes a fixation of the mind. Call it a lingering ghost of the seasons past or the chill that startles the body when you least suspect it — love comes and goes. Feelings come and go. And friends do too. The reasons may vary. Some become overly dependent and risk their own self independence. Others find me a bother and it’s best I removed myself from their world and the chapters within for the sake of their own well-being. I give them the benefit of the doubt, but at a certain point, I find their antics annoying and extremely bothersome. It hurts to do so, as it’s not an easy feat to just want to let someone go from your mind and consciousness.
It pains me and perhaps it pains them too. I’ve seen about five women in the year I’ve started writing daily. Some were serious. Others were not. Compatibility was mixed. Regardless, I keep a nice memory to hold and hope they do too. I am incapable for harboring and carrying hostility or negative feelings for someone no matter what transpired in the heat of the moment. I’ve had my fair share of moments, words, and actions I wish I could take back. Yet, what’s done is done and there is no going back. Life is not a VCR with a rewind button as much as I want to revisit parts of my past. Offer an apology when needed had hope they understand and am forgiving. Better yet, learn to forgive yourself for the mistake too.
Knowing me, with enough time, I’d eventually rid myself of any lingering feelings towards someone, negative or not. I can’t say that is a positive attribute to have, as I’d likely be walking right back into the lion’s den without a sword or shield. But what do I know. I find it impossible to ignore a text or call.
Welcome to my world. I hope you enjoyed your stay on my little raft at sea. I’m not floating aimless without an idea of the destination.