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Everyone Disagrees

Today wasn’t the usual cluster fuck Mondays tend to rear it’s serpent head at you. My boss was unusually kind — figures he had some sense knocked into him the previous night. Magical. I know. A new challenge arose today. Everyone disagrees with me around a number of topics. I tend to overshare which leads to dissenting opinions thrown every way. Vulnerability at its finest.

The question tonight is, “If everyone says you’re wrong, are you?” Not necessarily. I find a lot of people jump into a conversation without much constructive criticism. Pick a fight here and there just for shits and giggles. I more than welcome a few off color back handed jokes at my expense. Everyone gets a much needed laugh in. Does it bother me? Normally, no.

Some days I can barely get a word in when the shots are getting fired in my direction. I don’t understand why to some, realizing I just don’t agree is possible. Everyone wants to be right, which says too much about their character and overly large egos. Last I remember, I’m the most college educated person in the office. Somehow, of they insist they are right, by virtue, they are.

Ha. I honestly need to shut the fuck up about my life some days. Not too many people care to divulge what is happening in their lives — however bland, boring, or disinterested it is. Not all aspects of life are fun and exciting, but if you tell me, I’ll listen. Keyword: intently.

I feel I’m at a crossroad at my life. March in forward where the comfort level is high but the feeling for self-fullfillment is low or opt for plan B into the great unknown. They say much if the furthest depths of the ocean has yet to be discover much less adventured. This is where I am. Propel my tiny ship above the waters into the horizon and fading dawn or down lower looking the treasures fallen below.

Isn’t the magic of living not knowing? That crazy journey of discovery only a temporal feeling? I’ve gotten so accustomed to my current lifestyle, I feel bored. This job is cushy, but unrewarding. Part of the problem is the eight plus hours I spend sitting at my desk staring aimlessly into the glow of my computer. The work is only mildly difficult, but my interactions with others are far and few. I talk so much and yet become so quiet when the bustle of ringing phones and keyboards clack away. It’s trance enducing and my God, I fucking hate it.

Funny thing is, every beginning of each new month, I write a few more goals I hope to reach. Break a habit here, learn a new fact there, but always strive for greatness. In the eyes of many, maybe they think I have it all together. That confidence that comes with never being without an answer or the possessions I own. Idolized I feel like I’ve becomed, yet the curtain falls slowly as the week goes by.

All that is new is exciting. The normal nine to five routine isn’t. I love all beginnings, yet the ending inches closer and I’m powerless to stop it. Maybe I ought to go out and see the world more. Travel until my money runs dry. See the world anew and move myself out of my comfort zone. I want a new perspective and yet my priorities never meet past, present, or future.

The sun rises every day and I hope and pray the shadow doesn’t eclipse me. Later world.

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Sleepless & Restless

It’s 1 AM and I cannot for the life of me sleep. It’s awful and I’m just so bothered by how work is affecting me, I feel like I’m drowning. Problem after problem. Bullshit on top of bullshit. This totally fucking sucks. As my friend told me over the phone repeatedly, “Don’t kill yourself over it”. She’s probably on to something. I tend to let work-life consume me.

It’s the serpent at sea and I’m only on a small raft. How did everything get so complicated all of a sudden? Roll with the punches as many would say, right? I would press reset if there was some magic button to start over. The thought of that seems so alluring ever since this whole year started.

What a mess. Is it terrible to know I have a lot going for me, but have the nuances of life negatively impacting my life? Life’s a bitch. Now if only I would fall asleep already. Later world.

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Cascading 1/10/2019

If I tend to think about something long enough, my mind becomes overwhelmed to the point of exhaustion. Not all thoughts start out leading to feeling down, but a few do. It’s like my thoughts cascade on one another and somehow run wild. It terrifies me how I can be having another normal day, but if I’m left to dwell on my thoughts, I’ll somehow inexplicably feel depressed. I won’t go into full blown depression, but it’s less than good vibes or happy thoughts. I’ve wondered if other people have these problems. I’m sure there are a number of things that bother them, but how do they manage their thoughts? Smoke some green? Have a drink?

Work life imbalance has a way of bringing these types of thoughts, especially when I have a ton of things to do and not much time to relax. My mind is restless and my inside voice seems to be up on a soap box all day and night. I wouldn’t say it’s like this all the time, but it’s something I’ve been dealing with more as I’ve gotten older. The feeling of being less than content with everything feels like a common theme. My friends say I have nothing to complain about. Sure. Perhaps from their point of view it’s all peachy. However, I have reason to believe they don’t self-reflect or dive into introspection as much as I do. Heck, why the hell would they.

I get annoyed when they tell me I need to just chill and watch TV or binge on Netflix. Go play video games and you’ll be good. Yeah, right. Seems like a waste of time and only a diversion from your own problems. Worst they can tell me is I’m somehow overthinking. It’s a bit insulting and lacking in real perspective taking. Fuck it. I’m weird then.