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Keyword: Moderation

I’ve been one on the extremes when it comes to breaking a habit. If it’s something I didn’t like, cut it out completely. Although it sounds good on paper or that magical voice in my head, I’ve come to realize it’s more about self-control. Smoking is bad. Drugs are bad. Excessive drinking is bad. We can all agree the two former is not necessary for a healthy lifestyle, but that’s a huge given. I once thought my ability to stop cold turkey gave me some unnatural godly power to do what’s right for myself, but it’s more of my ego talking than any thing.

No — I don’t smoke or do drugs — unless you count the myriad of prescription drugs my various doctors have me on for anxiety, depression, or whatever uncontrollable mood I suddenly face in the year. I find help when needed and that’s more than what a lot of people can say or am willing to do. I don’t usually let the very vices I wish would vanish control my very existence, but that’s the first step to any problem — admitting to it. We are works of progress everyday and without seeing our flaws, we’re destined to fall into the pits of despair.

Getting old has its merits. You feel slower, ache more, and suddenly lack the energy you once had as a naive teenager. Once the feeling of invincibility goes away, kryptonite is all around you. Don’t ignore all the signs. In fact, stop kidding yourself if you had any sense of self-respect for your one and only body. We want to be superman and yet know we are only mortal and vulnerable. The cracks appear and you’re suddenly flooded with arrows and the rising tide overflowing the moat in your perimeter.

I’m not impenetrable or invincible to the world around me and that’s quite alright. I exist to feel both the good and bad. While there’s time, you can count on me to make the most of it. Later world.

 

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Opinions of Others 1/26/2019

It’s 3:25 AM in the morning and I came back home from a night out with the guys.

I’ve come to care less and less about what others think of me over time. It’s only the wisest thing to do considering you can’t make everyone like you. You are unique, and not everyone you see or interact with needs to view you favorably. You should always focus on yourself.

That’s not to say you don’t hear a few nice comments from your friends every now and again. While out at our usual spots in Glendale, one of my friends, whom isn’t in my core group, mentioned how — I, out of everyone “does the least amount of shit.”

“Danny got his shit together.” My response: perhaps.

The friends I see on a regular basis don’t have the best habits. They usually drink a ton of alcohol, smoke a lot of weed, and God knows what else is being consumed throughout the night. For a few years, I’ve grown accustom to their less than perfect behavior and general lack of care for their well-being. They’re pleasure seekers. It’s as simple as that.

Somehow in all the chaos, I’ve been able to say no and just have them partake in their quick sessions without me. We still have a good night and their actions don’t in anyway make them bad people. To judge them as such would be unfair. In my eyes, I don’t see that as the life I want or desire. There’s a level of self-control needed to find the path to salvation — if the destination is even clear. To them, they don’t see it as a road like I do. Why would they.

I’m just here to do me and take it all in. If you see me as a friend who has the best habits, I’ll take your complement with a lot of flattery. It’s been a difficult road for myself met with a few setbacks. I’m just hoping I don’t fall short.

 

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Sedation

Sedation is a wonderful feeling. You stop thinking for those few fledgling moments. It’s Zen. It’s calming. Yet, it comes back with a vengeance. It’s a trade off. Feel composed yet feel the wrath of the aftermath and whatever lingering effects sweet lady courage brings. In that sense, you never really break free. You want more of it. It’s reach is all encompassing and controlling. Son of a bitch. Quitting is difficult, but as they say, old habits die hard.

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Searchlight for One

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Happiness has been elusive this time of the year — more so than any other year I can recall in recent memory. This maybe due to my constant drinking and smoking in previous years that acted to numb my thoughts — go figure. I made a few lifestyle changes with the recommendations from my friends.

  • no longer eat out most of the week
    • This bums me out immensely. I like eating at restaurants. I haven’t had anything fried, greasy, or Mexican food (my absolute favorite) all week. I feel great and have more energy. I’m saving a ton of money — which is nice.
  • less caffeine
    • I drink a ton of coffee. I usually have one in the morning, several cups of tea in the afternoon, and some days, another coffee when I work late. Yikes, I know.
  • to be by myself
    • My friends and I have this group chat going on for several years now. I don’t think there has been a day where we didn’t text each other if that seems amazing. I care for all of them and wouldn’t hesitate to jump in front of car or take a bullet for anyone, but its time I went offline. I need time for myself and only I can find the light at the end of the tunnel. They don’t have the best habits and can’t possibly know what’s best 100% of the time. It’s just the truth.
  • no outside help a.k.a. cheating
    • I stopped taking my pills and refused to pickup my medication at the local CVS. I did pay for a visit to my doctor; that’s money wasted, but I’ve come to realize I need to quit while I’m ahead. I risk falling into the rabbit hole and another hard set back. My friend (in all his words of wisdom) suggested I pick it up and sell them for profit. Ha. No, motherfucker. This goes back to my previous point, I do need to be alone from everyone. If my motivation to just quit cold turkey and go through withdrawals isn’t a testament to my will, I don’t know what is.
  • worry less about finishing the goal
    • I reached most my goals this year and felt only a momentary happiness. I’m so caught up at reaching the finish line, I forget it’s not about the end, but what I do to reach there. I’ll have to remain mindful and not let my ambition get the better of me. I’ve made a few new goals for next year:
      • pay off my entire student loan by Q1 2019
        • It’s not a lot — if you consider less than $8K “not that much”. I’ll make one large payment and get rid of this gentle reminder of my time at Santa Barbara once and for all. Let go of the past.

As the year winds down and things at my office finally start slowing down, I’m hopeful for the new year to be even better than this one. I’m ready to go up and up. Just try and stop me.

Later world.