Where You Come From

Yesterday was Saint Patricks Day. While many would opt for the usual drunken shenanigans that comes with diving into your inner Irish, I went and paid respects to my Grandpa and Great Grandma. It’s been ten years since he left this world and into the pearly gates above. We were all powerless to pull him down as he was lifted into the sky.

My beloved Grandpa Bing loved everyone with compassion and unwavering commitment. Even as I was falling from grace and getting closer to the dark side, he did not once give up on me. It’s incredible considering the things I was up to at the time. My behavior was inexcusable.

I felt a lot of guilt the months and years after he was gone. I set myself up for it in many ways. Here I was, left alone in the world without the one person I held to the highest regard. It was a rude awakening for just how unfair life can be. How the very people you hold closest to you can be taken from you in an instant. It stung, it hurt, I cried, and the feelings linger even now. My world came crashing down as the facade I built up around myself crumbled.

This tragic and heartbreaking time for me was the catalyst that would set into motion for the new me everyone has been accustomed to. I began to care more about the people around me. Often going out of my way for them by any means necessary.

I soon gained an awareness for genuine people who cared about me. Telling friend from foe wasn’t easy. Some fake sincerity with ease. Cut those people out of the boat and hope everyone left is still here for the voyage. I gave no time for fakeness and bullshit. We have clocks and I felt mine was running faster.

My Grandpa always told me two things: work hard and save money. I can admit there were several missteps along the way in fulfilling those two requirements. Ten years later, I feel like I finally made it. I’m not done just yet. There’s always room for improvement. It’s incredible. The ones who make the biggest impact don’t have to be around with you.

All I’m left with are my thoughts. They dwell on past-present. I hope I never forget him and what he’s done for me. I miss him everyday and more than anything in the world.




Falling From Grace

For several years, I witnessed your fall from grace. A lesion of the mind and clouded judgement. In all the chaos, I feel as if you think you’re more than human. As if you don’t realize your true vulnerability. I’ve seen you stumble, mope around, teeter on the brink of death, and yet, you don’t see the light. I call it luck. You see it differently. Of the times you were depressed, I went against my better judgement and let it continue. I fed you poison, the easy fix, a pill to make it all go away. Had I seen how you are now, I would have never let you have them, but I did. That’s on me.

I’ve seen you at the bottom. Completely unrecognizable and incomprehensible. It was glimpse into your true self. Not a mask, not an illusion, just unfiltered you. I can’t say I was too surprised. We all suspected it for so long. You felt relief and we lingered to help. But it was just that — a one time deal. Lives carry on and we haven’t address the bigger issue you’re facing. It’s funny. I’ve been open, but you have yet to do the same. I don’t blame you. Not everyone is ready to let others in.

I had my brushes with death and so have you. We have that going for us. We’re alive for now. I truthfully felt I was no better off than you were, but it’s taken a turn for the worst. I found the light and I’m keeping it open for you.