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Let’s Hurry It Up

Two of my closest friends are expecting their first child. I’m excited as much as they are and to think I’ll be an uncle to someone is surreal. How odd, terrifying, but moving.

While I believe everyone on this journey of life sets their own pace, I’ve suddenly found myself wondering if I’m behind. The feelings come naturally when I’m preoccupied with work and why my savings isn’t miraculously going to solve all my problems. Different strokes for different folks, yet I’m here fixed on the monetary.

Don’t mistake it. Life isn’t all about money nor the material, but when life tries to fight you, I’m glad I can cover the seemingly too frequent visits the hospital. It’s a game of fighting the unexpected and misfortunate.

I’ve always told myself I couldn’t possibly be tied to a relationship right now with how busy work keeps me. Fun is immediate without the strings attached. Attachment itself is vulnerability and a slow stewing recipe for distress. Having a child is expensive once the reality phase comes hitting you like a train.

Like my grandma has told me countless times, stop to smell the roses and worry about yourself. Time is limited, yet we’re all trapped wishing for what others have while we are too distracted in how to obtain them. I am me. Next.

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To Live is To Exist

Life has open pathways and endless oceans, but somehow we choose to make our own path. One of the most questioned parts of our existence is what we’re put here on Earth for. It’s a terrifying thought knowing our lives are finite. It’s the question that keeps me up at night when sleep is rare and the thoughts are neverending.

As many of my friends would argue, live life as it comes. Live in the moment as some would say. While common to hear, it provides little comfort and no answers. Right or wrong, it’s a lack luster response to the problem of knowing we all will eventually leave this land and be nothing more than memories to those who have yet to succumb to the eternal slumber.

One of my co-workers is approaching retirement and I’ve asked him something along these lines. Purpose when there seemingly isn’t one. A destination when so many wander aimlessly. By his account, he’s suprised he’s where he is today. A family man, with a wife and children to his name. He has owned multiple homes and properties in his life time — often remiscing of the past and times long gone.

I find the elderly remarkable. Their wisdom is far and many. Their words distinct and concise. Through out all of human history, people have come to make a name for themselves — not like the fame or notoriety our current generation of social media celebrities so eager seek. It’s not what I want or feel anyone before the age of 30 should seek. I consider it the greatest distraction society faces — one sided affection when no one at the other end of the glowing screen could care or help you when it matters.

My thoughts on the current state of society has remained the same. We all too often distract ourselves with content high in shallowness and of little value. Meaningless interactions with others who are nothing more than images projecting themselves to occupy our short attention span.

In a world so addicted to obsurd, what time we have here is lost to distractions. The solution is simple — stop. Look at the person in front of you. Acknowledge their presence and fully interact one-on-one. Since when was the digital and non-physical so important to ignore the people around you? Families do it with their children eating at restaurants. Lovers to each other on a night out. We as people exist to foster relationships through words, actions, and contact. How we’ve come to shield ourselves from normal human behavior is a sign of of the greatest ill we have towards society. Love to love, be loved and hope there’s another waiting for you.

Later world.

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You Annoy Me

As my philosophy professor once told me, your friends — no matter how close or cherished, eventually, they will let you down. That is inevitable, which is unfortunate. It’s a fact of life I’ve seen more and more. While you can’t fault them for merely being human, their actions or inaction says volumes.

I have one friend who spends all his time smoking cigarettes, marijuana and doing large amounts of cocaine every passing day. I’ve come to realize he’s far from ever being saved and that his path in life has already been written — one I dare not wish to venture in.

On numerous times, I’ve seen him slowly do more and more without any regard for his well-being or health. As you wished, then so be it. A life of drug addiction is one of pain and endless consumption. I’ve confronted him about it time and time again, but I’m met with various excuses and explainations teetering on absurd to flat out denials. I don’t consider his habits careful experimentation so many others have experienced with illicit substances. To give him the benefit of the doubt would be lies and turning a blind eye.

Drugs quickly go empty and so does their money. I’m always bothered by hearing people who parttake in this lifestyle complain and rant about not having a dollar to their name. It’s pathetic and only exacerbates the underlying problem more. Give me a break. You can always make back the money lost, but your health may never recover even with all the money in the world and the finest doctors to keep you conscious.

It’s only natural I find myself a bit jaded and skeptical of others. When I have someone in my circle of friends tell me about some goal they’ve set for themselves, I almost always never believe it — especially with ones requiring money. Buy this, buy that, or I’ll own it in the future. It’s all talk and I’m aware of all the other times their words fell short. Don’t get me wrong — everyone should set their own goals. If you have a history of not following through, I don’t believe it — not even a single word.

It’s one of those reasons why when someone says they’ll repay me for lunch or some other transaction involving money I’m met with skepticism. One time, I was told it wasn’t a big amount relative to my own income and therefore wasn’t an issue. They disappoint me or rather, irritate me to no end.

What’s the moral of this long winded rant? People let me down and will continue to do so. Their inability to advance in life is their own doing and any problems they face with not being able to sustain themselves is the result of their own doing. Others may view me differently and call my perspective unusual, but until we can finally meet at eye level, I’ll remain hesitant to assist in their times of dire need.

Later world.

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The Search for Answers

I’m kind of lucky. I know I can text a handful of friends, both male and female, for their opinion on something. I tend to fixate and overthink something until the very reason for doing so almost becomes unclear. Hands down, one of the most confusing habits I have. Eventually, I come to my senses and ask everyone for their thoughts.

I’m not going to lie. Some topics get dark and wouldn’t fit the narrative of an online journal. You have that secrecy that trust allows. Other times, it’s another question about a relationship or someone I’m seeing. In the end, all I’m looking for is their cold hard unfiltered opinion.

I think what I’ve come to realize is you’re not going to be able to save yourself. Best you can do is ask for help. There aren’t always answers even with your most trusted loyal group of friends to confide in. At least hear them out to look at the situation from their prospective.

2020: once you’re off the boat, you’ll need to really convince me to let you back on.

Later world.

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Frustration

It’s been a difficult two weeks. Someone died. Someone almost died. The news is fixated on every mass shooting. And everyone at the office can’t seem to get their priorities in order. Figures. I suppose when I’m met with day after day of let downs and feelings of uneasiness, the best course of action is just to relax and do nothing — something I’ve never been particularly good at.

It’s days or weeks like this that make me feel like my life is crashing right before my eyes. Can I blame someone? My family? My predicament? My less than stellar habits? Progress feels like it’s at a stand still when just a month earlier I was feeling the highest of highs.

I often find myself day dreaming for more — the reality I wish was true. Some call it the perfect life, but if I know better, perfection is often sought and rarely seen. I love escapism for that reason. This world can be so off, but inescapable only in your mind.

The other day, I was helping a friend with her computer. A couple hours of tech support later, she had everything she needed as she requested. Normally, when a friend asks for my help or even a favor, I don’t think too much of it — I just do it. Everyone needs help every now and again, right? She was absolutely adamant about taking me to lunch or dinner to repay me. I resisted and fought back, but she was persistent. I’ve never been too good at letting friends do something nice for me. Honestly, I’m awful at it. I do it because I want to, not so much as to be rewarded.

Note to self: get better at this.

Later world.

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Reconnecting: Part 3

Anyone have that friend that you wish you saw more of? Last night was a good night and I wish it wasn’t such a rare occurrence. She’s one of the few people I’d go to the ends of the Earth for and I mean it with all sincerity.

Honestly, I love the beginning of this month already. Fight me world.

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Fuck She’s Cool

I have one friend I’ve known for more than half my life. As a matter of fact, since the 6th grade — so about when I was 11. Back then, I was incredibly mean to her, but thankfully, I’m forgiven — or she doesn’t remember it. Hooray!

We tend to chat about veganism, health, and animal welfare whenever she posts something intriguing. I dig it a lot. It’s rare to find someone so outwardly passionate about certain topics and interests. I was mentioning how difficult it would be to eat out with my group of friends if I made the switch, seeing as how other food options are hard to come by. Recently, there has been the new and improved Impossible Burger making the rounds at some restaurants, but there’s a catch. It costs more than a regular cheeseburger.

So much for that. I told her the most health conscious thing I’ve done recently the past couple weeks was go on a water fast. By some surprise, she fasts too. We both got excited by the coincidence. Two skinny people fasting makes people raise their eyebrows, but it’s more about detoxification than weight reasons. Just like that, my day got a lot brighter and I realized just how awesome some my long time friends are.

May ain’t too bad. Later world.

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Reconnecting: Part II

Yesterday, I met up with a friend from high school. I haven’t seen her in ten years — which is crazy to think about. I was in Instagram just a few weeks earlier when I saw her profile as a suggestion. We added each other and eventually made plans to meet up. Normally, I have a few worries with seeing someone again. Is she as I remembered? Will this be awkward? What do we talk about?

This, however, is just me overthinking and rarely the case. We caught up the best two people could condensing a ten year absence into a couple hours of time. She laughed a lot which quickly made the time go by quickly. She said, “It sounds like you’ve had an interesting life.”

Perhaps. Some people never change and I kind of like that. Later world.

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Life’s a Beach

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Morning Thoughts

Kind hearted soul of days long gone,

I wonder of the time where we went wrong,

The heavens gate closes at one,

Mercy for my troubles and forever done,

What is life without someone,

Regrets and actions that can’t be undone,

She came and she gone like the passing sun,

Alone with my thoughts with no one,