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Distances Among and Far

I’m growing further away from some friends and closer to others. Somehow, life has a tendency to make that apparent. Hobbies change, social lives differ, and above all, people change. We are powerless to stop it. It is the sea that drifts further outward into the ocean. The tides can only take some much.

What this year of a mess has taught me is perspective. Fending for yourself while forgoing others who bring you down doesn’t make you selfish. It’s the reality of knowing right from wrong, truth from lies, and to grow old is let go — apart. Live now and focus.

Times feel so different than they did the years before. I’ve changed and yet some of my friends haven’t. I’m not one to judge, but we can’t all keep on the same lonely path and the road less traveled.

Who am I? I’m still wondering every day if my priories matter more than they did before. I want more, there’s infinite ways to get there, and I’m the lone wolf fending off criticism.

Later world.

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Let’s Hurry It Up

Two of my closest friends are expecting their first child. I’m excited as much as they are and to think I’ll be an uncle to someone is surreal. How odd, terrifying, but moving.

While I believe everyone on this journey of life sets their own pace, I’ve suddenly found myself wondering if I’m behind. The feelings come naturally when I’m preoccupied with work and why my savings isn’t miraculously going to solve all my problems. Different strokes for different folks, yet I’m here fixed on the monetary.

Don’t mistake it. Life isn’t all about money nor the material, but when life tries to fight you, I’m glad I can cover the seemingly too frequent visits the hospital. It’s a game of fighting the unexpected and misfortunate.

I’ve always told myself I couldn’t possibly be tied to a relationship right now with how busy work keeps me. Fun is immediate without the strings attached. Attachment itself is vulnerability and a slow stewing recipe for distress. Having a child is expensive once the reality phase comes hitting you like a train.

Like my grandma has told me countless times, stop to smell the roses and worry about yourself. Time is limited, yet we’re all trapped wishing for what others have while we are too distracted in how to obtain them. I am me. Next.

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Love and This Year

2020 is quite unusual. Pandemic aside, I didn’t fall head over heels in love and I didn’t date anyone new. I blame COVID for the lack of feelings to be had this year, but tell me something that isn’t already obvious. It’s strange. Normally, I could list a few good places I’ve been to with the lady or a few new experiences to be shared, but all that came to a halt.

Say it ain’t so. I’ve felt cheapened by the events of this year. Watered down even. The few casual encounters or what I like to call “extracurricular activities” I’ve had with women weren’t too meaningful nor something my mind to fixate on. Let’s not even number the headcount.

Everyone had this haze around them. I don’t blame them nor the constant reminders we’re inching towards a post-apocalyptic world — it can’t be helped. Shit. All I’m looking forward to is Thanksgiving — my all time favorite holiday. I can’t imagine the logistics around it, but I’m dreaming. This can’t all be happening and yet it is.

Later world.

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Water in the Glass

This year is either the worst ever or the best I’ve had depending on my perspective. It’s one of those glass half empty or half full situations many people like to think of. If I make a list of what didn’t go right, I have the following:

– COVID-19, economy shutdown, Black Lives Matter, riots, my Grandma being ill, and stocks took a hit.

Being a bit more optimistic, leaves me with this:

– life goes on, my business launched, I’m getting a bonus next month, my investments are up, I still have a job, and my Grandma got treated

This year is so polarizing and only a little more than half of it is gone already. It kind of makes me wonder if this is a test for my ability to persevere in times of crisis and uncertainty. Overall, I’ll have to take it for what it is and keep focused on myself. I recently lack the energy to even stay up past 11 PM without suddenly falling asleep. I’ve been telling myself the exhaustion comes from work, but I wouldn’t be surprised if my mind has been at full blast all this time.

Later world.

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Words, They Hurt Me

In the lifetime I’ve been alive, I can always recall some of the most painful words ever spoken to me.

“We can still be friends.”

“We had a nice run…”

“I never loved you.”

“Did you hear about grandpa?”

Such feelings are shared between people. Sadness, grief and the feeling that overcomes you. It pulls at your heart strings and hums of a tune you wish not to know. Unsurprisingly, those feelings lose their intensity as time passes, but the thought alone triggers them. Now, just a lingering itch from a time that felt so long ago.

Later world.

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That Word Love

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Everyone seems to throw around the word love so loosely. I love this. I love that. But what is really love? I remember being a kid and listening to Elvis Presley’s Falling In Love With You for the first time and finding myself unable to grasp the word or know the feeling yet. Strange, but intriguing. Even as I’m much older, it’s still one of my all time favorites songs and is in my daily playlist. To love — what the fuck does that even mean?

I can vaguely remember falling in love for the first time. There’s a lot of first to be expected once you find yourself young, naive, and attracted to someone. They have the aura around them when your eyes find them in a crowd or better yet — when she walks towards you. There’s only one huge problem, young love doesn’t last yet we reminisce about it for a lifetime. Alluring is the word and so is attraction.

Isn’t that just one component of the four lettered word I rather not keep saying? Attraction is important, but physical traits shouldn’t outweigh personality. Everyone can look good in a picture posted online or social media with the hundreds of awful filters I see everyone overuse. I think it’s the most difficult part in finding that special someone that brings the spark in your eyes and the smile on your face. Is she really more than beauty?

The pitfalls of dating in the modern world is everyone wants to at least look like they’re compatible, but I find the person in front me during dinner unable to understand what the fuck I’m talking about. Their responses say a lot — it gives it away they have no idea what I’m referring to. Yes. Mmhmm. That’s cool. Why not just stop me and make it apparent you’re clueless? I can probably go for days talking about why space travel is cool as fuck, landing on Mars is important for humanity, or why buying stocks beats having money in a savings account. My interests aren’t that common. Tell me now.

Sincerity is paramount. I can’t take credit for that phrase because I’m sure someone else out there in the vast expanse of the world has used it before, but to love is to be sincere and always. Truth and honesty is one of he best traits about being in love. Knowing they can be real with you as you are to them is an amazing, yet reassuring feeling. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen my parents blatantly bullshit in front of each other for such stupid and petty reasons. They sleep in separate rooms.

You can’t love too many people either. Either they mean the world to you and more or they don’t. Why do you care about someone is equally as important as who you care about. The feeling is indescribable. The components that comprise it are many. And the reasons are strict and singular. Love — a four letter word I’ve felt, but only come close to fully understanding.

Later world.

 

 

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The Feeling

I feel for feelings,

Twinkle lights of the evening,

Diamond rings for never leaving,

Tell me why couldn’t be without reason,

I see eyes that haven’t seen me,

Many years gone and I’m not weary,

How you came and went like the season,

We were fairy tales without merry endings,

—-

Today was bloody awful, but this poem almost gets my mind away from it. My co-worker said I had the calmest voice out of everyone she speaks to. My day was made.

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Ghosts of Summer

You don’t have to be a bother,

Coldest stares of the past lovers,

Did we not try harder?

Running wildly into the night like no other,

Lets call her,

Ghostly hallows of the bother,

She left before we called it over,

Drifting coasts of the endless summer,

She came and she gone before I could love her…

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Letting Go: Anger, Resentment & Solace

People tend to tell me a lot of things. It’s one of the caveats to being a trusted confidant when you yourself is so open about your life — both successes and failures. I have a co-worker who has told me much about her past — mainly the not so delightful relationships she’s encountered with some men. It’s tragic in many ways to hear how wronged she was, but nevertheless, life goes on. Or does it?

I’ve noticed she, like many others, hold a lot of hostility from their past grievances with their partners.

Fuck him.

It’s a abundantly clear time has not yet simmered down their feels for that person. But it should. I’d be hard pressed to believe the other party even thinks of them as negatively as they do or preoccupy so much of their mind. In other words, don’t give them anymore or your time, if they likely don’t have a thought of yours.

Letting go is one of the few things in life only accomplished the long and difficult way. No amount of reading or advice makes it easier or faster. It’s the loudspeaker in your head that becomes deafening at high volumes. At the beginning, you’re engulfed in chaotic noise, but with some time, it should be no more than a annoying buzz. It might be a oversimplification of the processes that make bad thoughts become easier, but I hope the idea is there.

I’ve have a few bad times. Several years have passed and it’s no more than just an inconvenience I faced relative to where I am now. There were times I was wronged, belittled, attacked, and berated, but coming to terms with what transpired made it all better. I can’t say there’s a path one can take to find inner peace with themselves or let go of the past that so easily makes a return, but anything less is a life of hardship and turmoil. Skeletons in the closet should remain boarded shut and forgotten. Time waits for no one. Might as well see the light — find it now rather than never.

I can say with all sincerity I harbor no negative feelings for anyone no matter what transpired previously. The journey of life is perilous and all I can do is take each day with a new perspective. It’s all about how you perceive it — positivity is medicine for all wounds — physical and emotional.

I don’t hate, I don’t despise, and I sure don’t anchor on to any point in the past. By some stroke of fate my time here is cut short and I’m moments from leaving this realm, I know I’ll calmly close my eyes and feel at peace with the world. I don’t need a last minute confession or a few last words. That is not how I or anyone should go out.

See life for what it is. To some it’s a journey. To me is a voyage at sea. No matter what, find solace and let go. Later world.

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Thanks. But No Thanks.

I recently have been talking to this one lady — she likes me. Hooray? Now normally, the thought of having someone like me sends a lot of conflicting thoughts. Why does she like me? Where does this go? What are her motives? I don’t jump in with open arms since it’s not a priority of mine to have a relationship.

My male friends hate this about me. The argument is usually, “You’ve been single for X amount of years. Why not?” True. But I find being with someone a lot of work. Shit literally ties you down and there’s a lot of effort needed — none of which allures me at this point of my life.

Other goals take precedence. I much rather go full force with my career and find the means to buy my own place and be completely independent for myself. That in of itself sounds impressive, whenever it does happen. Getting tied down more or less keeps those goals in the backseat.

I think most relationships are dependent on the other person for much of the duration. It could be as simple as getting a ride, emotional support, a phone call, or the occasional venting out of frustrations. It doesn’t allure me. I don’t like supporting someone. It’s a rarity to meet someone who is completely capable of fending for themselves without a few strings attached. For now, I’ll have to tell her thanks, but no thanks.

No hard feelings, darling? Later world.