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Fearless

If there’s anything to be fearful of is letting life pass you by while everyone around you is going places. You find yourself still on the busy street. People walking, whizzing, bicycling by. Tell yourself you are somebody and go out and take what you deserve.

No more what ifs and what can I. We only have so long. Dreams don’t merely exist in our heads. Say what needs to be said, work as hard as needed, find motivation when there is none and everything you could ever want will appear.

Never settle.

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On Her Time

My beloved Grandma told me towards the end of last year, she doesn’t have much time left here. It crushed me. Moving me to tears in an instant. I stiffened up and told her with confidence that she would be around for a long time. My words said one thing, but the pain in hearing her voice the inevitable sent me to an existential crisis. She is central to my life and core, but she was right. She’s much older now and I’d be foolish to think she’d have all the time in the world.

She told me she was afraid and has been for many years. A two story house in the hills and yet she fears living alone. It bothers me. And it hasn’t left my mind since then. My Grandpa protected her for all those years they were together and somehow she’s now left to fend for herself against the outside world. It’s been ten years since he left us. Was she really like this all this time? She often tells me over the phone to not stay out so late — to not go to the bars or clubs. To watch my surroundings. I can take care of myself, but realizing the extent she feels she’s alone doesn’t sit well with me.

Growing old is terrifying. I wish I had more time, but you want what you can’t have. What am I without her? I have a difficult time letting go and hearing her voice the truth won’t make it any easier.

Life is a bitch.

 

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Purposefully

I think a great deal about what my purpose here is in life. I’m not sure why. When I was a kid, it was much the same. It fascinated me to think that I was one out of billions of other people that went about their day completely unaware of everyone else. I had my little bubble in the suburbs of San Gabriel Valley blissfully ignorant of other parts of the world.

As I’ve gotten older, the realities of the outside world have gotten more apparent and you can’t turn a blind eye to it anymore. Friendships grow stronger and some weaker. Feelings come as quickly as they go. Life comes at you fast and some days, you’re powerless to stop it, let alone brace for impact. It’s all tiring to experience. People have their own lives and struggles every day and some suffer.

What am I then? I’ve always been bothered by seeing friends in a less than happy state. I’m happy when they are happy, which in of itself is problematic. I feel just as much pain as they do. Empathy is interesting with those you care about. I feel as if I’m at the mercy of those I’m close to.

Not everyone I care about wants to be helped. Some can’t help themselves. Somehow, I still make myself open to them. To give them as much as me as possible knowing that they likely wouldn’t do the same, circumstances or not. One of the nicest comments I’ve ever gotten was that I’m very dependable. It’s been permanently etched in my mind. Nice comments aside, who do I depend on then? I’d save everyone if I could. Who will save me?

Most of the year, I feel absolutely untouchable — invincible even. Everyone can see it at the office. I’ve been told it gives off a lot of intimidation. Maybe it’s the suit or my unrestricted openness to share details about my life with everyone. I don’t believe I have anything to hide at this point of my life. I like to joke sometimes that everyone knows me better than any ex-girlfriend ever had — much to everyone’s amusement.

When you live, you’re bound to fall and stumble. The day is unplanned regardless of how much of an agenda you create. It’s making sense of the disorderly that a day brings. You just follow each task closely. I’ve had my share of vices, addictions and bad habits that put my life in danger. I’m amazed that I’m even alive. I know that’s a terrible statement to make, but it’s true. I’ve narrowly avoided death a handful of times due to my complete disregard for safety and self-control. I suppose for these experiences, I have nothing to fear. Not living and definitely not dying.

I can’t fathom living a life where I knew I could have done more. It goes without saying that I live life not holding myself back. Say what needs to be said, do what you fear, and hope everyone you care about is still with you in the end.

I don’t have time to hesitate.