Faults (Let’s Not Go There)

What day of quarantine is it? At this point, I stopped giving a fuck and all the news about the coronavirus annoys me terribly. Everyone has been eagerly waiting for their $1200 “stimulus” check. I am indifferent. My parents have been furiously complaining everyday about not receiving their unemployment checks and while they are part of the millions who are out of work, I find their lack of financial responsibility throughout the years embarrassing.

When I was young, it was apparent my parents didn’t have it all together. Frivolous spending at the hands of my father squandered tens of thousands and that’s a low estimate. He’s shit with money and I believe if he suddenly won the lottery, it would all disappear in a few years. I don’t think anyone should live life worrying about paying bills or how they’re going to make it to next month. With that said, personal responsibility is more important than what the state can provide for you.

There’s a lot of complaining around here and I really fucking hate it.


Family (Lack of Thereof)

The coronavirus has everyone in my family without a job — me being the only exception. With the lockdown in place, naturally, everyone is getting extra special attention with one another. While this in principle sounds nice, my family is a fragmented mess and would make for an entertaining episode of Jerry Springer.

My parents never had the best relationship as far back as I can remember. While arguments did occur when I was a kid, overtime, the once rare occurrence has spiraled into a daily episode. Each parent wants to be right — even if it is for petty reasons. My mom is the worst offender when it comes to wanting to be the winner.

From what little I know about her, she never had much of a formal education growing up in China. In fact, both parents were farmers born into the coastal countryside. You would think they would be more receptive to facts and information, but they’re willfully ignorant — teetering on arrogant. Feeling right outweigh being factually correct.

I can’t say with complete confidence the words ‘love’ and ‘parents’ can ever be uttered in a sentence. I could ignore the daily battles and long awkward silences they too often loath under, however, my upringing was less than stellar. My mom forgot to pick me up from school — twice and was extremely neglectful and distant. My dad did not do any better. He calls it keeping me under control and teaching lessions. I grew up and call it abuse.

I’ve often been asked by friends and some women I’ve dated or been with, “Do I wish I could of had better parents?” The mythical atomic family comes to mind. When I was a pre-teen, absolutely. Now that I’m inching towards thirty, not a chance. Although imperfect and the lowest of the lows have been inflicted at their hands, my experiences — no matter how traumatic, shaped me to this very moment of my life.

I want to love because of never feeling it from them. I yearn and care for those who keep me in their thoughts. I absolutely will go to the ends of the Earth for someone I care about knowing I couldn’t say with confidence they are capable of doing the same. People around me care and that’s frankly all I need life. Not money nor anything material. Knowing others care for my well-being brings a lot of comfort and solace.

I’ve long since stopped trying to mend my relationship with them. Since I was a child, they told me I was responsible for their unhappiness and turmoil — believing it for far too long. But I grew up and saw through all the dust and chaos. I’m their scapegoat for much more personal relationship issues. For that, I wouldn’t count on anything changing. My happiness is my own and I’ll continue to look at them as two people who I label with quotes “mom and dad”.

Later world.


Save the Day

Today was a total shit show. Work was especially difficult seeing how three of my coworkers have the usual fuck it attitude with them quitting soon. To make matters worse, I’m stupidly behind on launching several projects. If I wasn’t spread so thinly I’d be in a better position. Fuck everything.

The minute I got home, I wanted nothing to do with work and was beyond over the day. Ever have those urges to down a beer in record time or take a hit? Shit. I’m surprised I’m not under the influence still.

I could feel the slow feelings of depression hitting me harder with each passing hour of today. If it was just my luck, one of my super cool uncles came over for a quick visit. If you ignore the red envelopes with $20s, $50s and $100s, Chinese New Year is one of the rare times where you get to see everyone. That’s priceless. We chatted about the usual: stocks, future goals, and if I was seeing anyone. He’s always been so down to Earth and was quick to crack a few jokes to relieve the tired look on my face.

I’m honestly feeling so much better now. Later world.


The Broken Mirror

I’ll be honest, I’m nowhere near perfect. In my head, it’s a population for one and nobody else. I find myself so caught up in redundant or depressed emotions, I fall right off the map and continue spiraling. Fuck me. Fuck this. And fuck our capacity to make our own unique thoughts. The very enemy to your own mental health is your head and what goes on in there is for an audience of one.

I don’t think I truly knew what it meant to be depressed until a few years ago. I once blamed it on my dead end job and co-workers whom all hated my existence. Naturally, you find yourself failing and loathing the days. Yet, as you make your way up the hill and atop the mountain, you’re still missing that elusive feeling of happiness. Shit fucking sucks and it’s unexpected.

I call my more recent years ‘the search for happiness’. Admission made. Guilty as charged. Often, I think I discovered the next thing or person that would bring me happiness but I’m dumb as fuck and quickly realize I’m mistaken. What’s the deal? No one person will equate you to being happy. Not the love of your life nor a vault filled to the ceiling with hundred dollar bills.

Take a look in the mirror. Can’t we all say we know what we’re looking for? What we yearn and want? What we envy until it becomes jealousy? I despise my own family for the years of torment and suffering at their hands, but hating for the length of your life isn’t healthy or the correct path. I accept them for who they are and what they’ve become. Love and family aren’t on that list.

I want to be loved and to have the family that I oh so envy every time I’m invited over to a friend’s house. How I’ll find it is unknown and won’t be quick and easy. Some days I’m day dreaming for it and that’s quite alright.

Later world.



To My Baby Sister

I went car buying with my baby sister last night. There was a near perfect Volkswagen Golf GTI Autobahn that was certified pre-owned. I found out hours earlier my insurance company is paying out more than what my car is worth and I get to pocket the rest. The dealership is also refunding me the extended warranty plan and maintenance package I bought at the time of purchase. That can be put towards this new car. All together, I’m looking at nearly $6000 back in my hands. Pretty sweet if you ask me.

It’s weird how life can fuck you up with a concussion, but quickly discover there’s a glimmer of good news just waiting for you. What’s that phrase again? Life, you son of a bitch. After all this, I’m just hoping to get my memory back to normal. I feel like I’m only 80% there right now, with the missing portion rest and plenty of relaxation.

My friend always says, “Shit happens”. Which is definitely true, but instead of having it bring you down to the depths of despair, find a new avenue to approach it. I spent all day figuring out my options, calling my insurance company, checking dealerships, and more importantly — moving quickly to make a bad situation better. You can say I went against my doctor’s orders to stay put and relax, but that’s up for debate another day.

With the perfect (a bit 2nd) car picked out and an agreement to sell it only to me, I walked out happy as a bear with honey. My sis drove that night so we had a long drive back together. It’s not usually we get to be alone like this so I took a deep breath and told her my lingering thoughts.

I assured her there was absolutely no alcohol or drugs involved in my accident and everything I’ve told her has been the complete truth. I said I loved her and my brother more than I let on and while I was hurt, I’ll be fine and I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.

I confessed again to her my long-standing problems with depression, anxiety, and alcohol use. I know it troubles her to see me like this, like that, so I said I was sorry. From bottom of my heart I am. I can say I don’t always have the best habits or set the best example for my siblings and for that, I hope they forgive me for my misgivings and behavior. I said to her I was lucky to walk away from the accident and reassured her I would make some lifestyle changes.

She was on the verge of crying.

Later world. Daniel’s still here, alive, but just slightly bruised. Nice try.


Sweet Love

It’s my Grandma’s birthday. I love her so much and words cannot express how much she means to me. She’s made such an impact in my life I couldn’t thank her enough. From walking me to school, to talking about the good old days when Grandpa was still with us, we share a bond no other woman and I know could have. It brings her so much joy to see her grandchildren together to celebrate this special day.


My Not So Great Family

My dad complains a lot. Basically, about everything in his not so great life. He hasn’t worked for months and by my watch, hasn’t really been trying to look for a job. He sits at home waiting for his meager unemployment check to come. I recall as a kid, my dad specifically mentioning not to let others know what he did or how we lived. As I got older, I realized he told me so because he himself knew he was nobody — someone who has always been angry at the world.

My mom hasn’t worked a day in her life and complains about wanting a bigger apartment. She’s quite a bitter lady. I’ve never understood this about her. From what I’m told, she’s never had much an education, but insists she’s always right. Give me a break. She’s been absent, unrelenting, and the fire that ravages much of everything it touches.

My sister stopped working the past few years and is known to spend loads of money on expensive designer purses and bags. We’re talking in the price range of $1500-2000. It’s rediculous. Recently, she complained her waitressing position keeps getting pushed back and she no longer gets financial aid. Somehow, she feels wronged. As if the world put her in this position.

My brother, whom I seldom speak about, dropped out of college and has no intentions of ever returning. He complains about life and how he feels everyone is attacking him. He’s lazy.

Frankly, I could go on and on about my “family”. I’m amazed I was born into this world full of people who feel the world is against them. Somehow, their current situation isn’t a product of their own doing. Life is beating down on them and they bare no responsibility for their lives.

When I finally make it out of here, it will be the best feeling imaginable. Misery loves company and I’ll gladly leave them be. Think of me what you will, but my reasons for wanting more and soon stem solely from people like them. The bitterness they have towards the world and lack of action to do anything — it’s pathetic. I can’t say I love them all the same, but there is a common theme. For anyone who’s been following my blog, perhaps I’m the outlier in this whole ordeal. Life is whatever you want it to be and I can’t stand being around people who wallow and weep. Later world.


Dreams, Meet Reality

Not too long ago, I had not the slightest idea what I was doing with my life and it didn’t scare me the least bit. Wandering is as much a part of life as finding your path among the chaos and darkness you encounter. With some effort involved and a bit of chance, I stumbled onto where I am now. Soon to be 28 with a good sizable number assets and goals reached. Fortunate is the word.

Back in high school, I couldn’t give two fucks about what the future held, mines, theirs or yours for that matter. It’s an interesting predicament I was in to care so little and not have the urgency to want to do more. Perhaps it was necessary to evaluate the goals I so helplessly lacked or send me to the bottom with just one option — an ultimatum by some. Some consider it a last resort.

I didn’t follow the crowd or do what everyone else wanted me to do or become. Call it the teenage rebellious years littered with anst and dread many movies like to stereotype, yet, it was true. My world came crashing and hard without anyone by my side to pull me from the drowning. I sank into the abyss but only managed to find myself cast ashore on a island for one. How eloquent, yet unbashful to admit. I fucked up and paid a price.

Some goals need reevaluating. You tend to be so narrow minded from your current perspective you fail to see other options and paths worth pursuing. I was nobody with nothing to my name, but I at least realized it. It’s sad, disheartening, and shameful to see everyone progressing further with their lives while you see yourself falling into the shadows you find solace in.

I was comfortable not caring, but I knew at least a few people close to me cared — cared enough to tell me in person and privately. For that, I’m blessed and felt less on my own and closer to the light — however dim it may seem from a distance. All I needed was to have a small glimmer and urgency to move forward. No matter what direction life could take me, I knew I had one motion in view and it was forward. Move onwards and don’t look back. You can call it my secret rule of life I never mention publicly to anyone except the tiny voice in my head.

College had its fair share of highs and bottomly lows, but I remained persistent. I fell in love a few times and felt the sting of the dagger through the heart relationships can bring. Yet, I found it just as important as the feelings and emotions love entails. I learned about myself and my intentions. Better yet, I realized if I was ready to love someone when loving myself was just as important. Love, for that reason, is not just singular and far from it.

With all the pain you endure in life, it tests your ability to see the light and find means of coping by yourself. Pain is unwanted, persistent, and long lasting. I found myself cracking a bottle daily and lost in the sweet bliss illicit substances bring. It’s the bitter-sweet allure of being torn between wanting to feel better, but losing yourself in the addiction numbness has over yourself. Escapism is met with more than one avenue. Naturally, not every door is one you should leave open.

Just as the doors open, they close and become boarded up with a handful of skeletons in the closet. Hidden from the world but not out of mind. I learned about self-forgiveness and how the untamed urges can lead to self-harm. I bare no scars from this era, only mental footnotes of just how far I was willing to push my luck every night.

I did a number of things over the years that would disappoint and raise a few eyebrows. That can never be undone. I’ve hurt others and felt pain myself. I can admit not every action can be undone or be forgiven for. I felt bad then but now it’s merely a speck of sand at the bottom of the hour glass.

My name is Daniel — welcome to my world.


Chapter 2

Life has a way of throwing me off some days. I can feel on the top of the world and then feel completely mentally drained on other days. Either way, it’s a rollercoaster of feelings, emotions, and a fair bit of stress that comes with adulting.

This month, I’ll be moving out to Los Angeles just outside of my hometown. I’m ridding myself of the 90% of the people who cause me issues. I’m relieved, excited, and somewhat nervous. My baby sister is upset I’m “bailing” but I can’t reasonably have her understand where I’m coming from. I feel gracious I have people who are looking out for me and taking me in like their own flesh and blood. It’s something I seldom see with my own immediate family all my life. What do they know? Fuck them.

Moving isn’t too difficult. I’ve had most my possessions in large containers since graduating college. Any unneeded junk or unused items have long been sold or given away to charity. I can’t stand a life of excess and the material. Having more isn’t making me any less stressed. It’s been the plan since I realized the very people who brought me into this world don’t have my best interest in mind.

Since the beginning of April, my dad has been without a job. You’d think someone approaching sixty would have his shit together, but he’s never been one to be independent and fend off the world without a bit of assistance. It’s been over thirty days and he hasn’t taken his stint of unemployment seriously, which has the added effect of completely rubbing me the wrong way. My dad is the anti-me and that’s not going to change. I don’t who that woman is he keeps talking on the phone for hours on end, but I and everyone else has their suspicions.

I’ve never been one to hold too much hostility for family. At the end of the day, they or I rather, is stuck with them for the foreseeable future. I find it necessary to let by bygones be bygones and just rid myself of any negative feelings for them in order to be the bigger man. I sent my parents a few thousand in cash to keep them afloat. Part of me has been torn on whether this will come back to bite me in the ass, as it is usually the case. My friends tell me I did the right thing as is the little voice in my head acting as my moral compass.

Just yesterday, my best friend told me his bank account was over withdrawn by several hundred and had no means of digging himself out of this debt. He was stressed and I can’t stand by knowing this is happening. I asked how much he needed and I just doubled it. Fifteen hundred dollars was sent to him on the spot. He was speechless, cried a bit, and I told him I would always have his back til the day I die because his is my brother. We stick together to the end.

Welcome aboard my little ship. I hope everyone is there with me no matter where we end up in the journey we call life.

It’s been an interesting month. Later world.



The Break Up

My sister and her boy friend of the past several years have broken up — much to everyone’s shock and surprise. Was this the impending doom of two people who spent every waking minute together? I rather not say. I felt they over relied on each other at times. Yet, isn’t that one of the side effects of being in love? To want to spend all your time with them?

Like most people who find themselves newly single (and ready to mingle), my sis has already started seeing someone new. Her late night trips and returns at the wee hours of 3-5AM say a lot. Do I as an older brother approve of the quick and fast arm candy my sis has gotten for herself? Absolutely not. This is just the rebound. God forbid, I have to meet the guy some time this year.

Seriously. What is love nowadays? Later world.