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To Live is To Exist

Life has open pathways and endless oceans, but somehow we choose to make our own path. One of the most questioned parts of our existence is what we’re put here on Earth for. It’s a terrifying thought knowing our lives are finite. It’s the question that keeps me up at night when sleep is rare and the thoughts are neverending.

As many of my friends would argue, live life as it comes. Live in the moment as some would say. While common to hear, it provides little comfort and no answers. Right or wrong, it’s a lack luster response to the problem of knowing we all will eventually leave this land and be nothing more than memories to those who have yet to succumb to the eternal slumber.

One of my co-workers is approaching retirement and I’ve asked him something along these lines. Purpose when there seemingly isn’t one. A destination when so many wander aimlessly. By his account, he’s suprised he’s where he is today. A family man, with a wife and children to his name. He has owned multiple homes and properties in his life time — often remiscing of the past and times long gone.

I find the elderly remarkable. Their wisdom is far and many. Their words distinct and concise. Through out all of human history, people have come to make a name for themselves — not like the fame or notoriety our current generation of social media celebrities so eager seek. It’s not what I want or feel anyone before the age of 30 should seek. I consider it the greatest distraction society faces — one sided affection when no one at the other end of the glowing screen could care or help you when it matters.

My thoughts on the current state of society has remained the same. We all too often distract ourselves with content high in shallowness and of little value. Meaningless interactions with others who are nothing more than images projecting themselves to occupy our short attention span.

In a world so addicted to obsurd, what time we have here is lost to distractions. The solution is simple — stop. Look at the person in front of you. Acknowledge their presence and fully interact one-on-one. Since when was the digital and non-physical so important to ignore the people around you? Families do it with their children eating at restaurants. Lovers to each other on a night out. We as people exist to foster relationships through words, actions, and contact. How we’ve come to shield ourselves from normal human behavior is a sign of of the greatest ill we have towards society. Love to love, be loved and hope there’s another waiting for you.

Later world.

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Mortality

What does it mean to live?

You get reminded of your finite existence every now and again. The receptionist at my office was involved in a very serious accident with a drunk driver this Cinco de Mayo. Fuck that day.

It’s eerie to think we will one day cease to exist. That heartbeat is not forever and everyone you know and love will all have the same fate. It’s said humans are one of the few species in the animal kingdom to know of their fate. For that, the urge to live now and not later should be paramount.

That’s not to say everyone has the same view on life. You can spend years wandering without a clue of where to go and what life holds for you. It’s unfortunate the lives of many fall under this predicament. To live and without intent. To search without a purpose. To go day to day without meaning. Fuck that shit. It terrifies me.

Death doesn’t terrify me as much as it use to. More than likely, my close calls with the grim reaper have made me value living more than anything — pain and suffering included. It’s all a necessary evil that everyone has to face. Can a life of nothing but pleasure be one worth valuing? It doesn’t seem like a reality anyone should want. Paradise by all means is an illusion.

Once in a full moon, I tend to find myself surround by a group of friends who have their reasons for escaping from reality and into the sweet bliss alcohol and other illicit substances brings. There are many means to escapism. None I find particularly worth pursuing. I can’t partake for my own sake and safety. But it’s foolish to say we don’t connect on other levels. These guys just live in other realities below mine.

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Purposefully

I think a great deal about what my purpose here is in life. I’m not sure why. When I was a kid, it was much the same. It fascinated me to think that I was one out of billions of other people that went about their day completely unaware of everyone else. I had my little bubble in the suburbs of San Gabriel Valley blissfully ignorant of other parts of the world.

As I’ve gotten older, the realities of the outside world have gotten more apparent and you can’t turn a blind eye to it anymore. Friendships grow stronger and some weaker. Feelings come as quickly as they go. Life comes at you fast and some days, you’re powerless to stop it, let alone brace for impact. It’s all tiring to experience. People have their own lives and struggles every day and some suffer.

What am I then? I’ve always been bothered by seeing friends in a less than happy state. I’m happy when they are happy, which in of itself is problematic. I feel just as much pain as they do. Empathy is interesting with those you care about. I feel as if I’m at the mercy of those I’m close to.

Not everyone I care about wants to be helped. Some can’t help themselves. Somehow, I still make myself open to them. To give them as much as me as possible knowing that they likely wouldn’t do the same, circumstances or not. One of the nicest comments I’ve ever gotten was that I’m very dependable. It’s been permanently etched in my mind. Nice comments aside, who do I depend on then? I’d save everyone if I could. Who will save me?

Most of the year, I feel absolutely untouchable — invincible even. Everyone can see it at the office. I’ve been told it gives off a lot of intimidation. Maybe it’s the suit or my unrestricted openness to share details about my life with everyone. I don’t believe I have anything to hide at this point of my life. I like to joke sometimes that everyone knows me better than any ex-girlfriend ever had — much to everyone’s amusement.

When you live, you’re bound to fall and stumble. The day is unplanned regardless of how much of an agenda you create. It’s making sense of the disorderly that a day brings. You just follow each task closely. I’ve had my share of vices, addictions and bad habits that put my life in danger. I’m amazed that I’m even alive. I know that’s a terrible statement to make, but it’s true. I’ve narrowly avoided death a handful of times due to my complete disregard for safety and self-control. I suppose for these experiences, I have nothing to fear. Not living and definitely not dying.

I can’t fathom living a life where I knew I could have done more. It goes without saying that I live life not holding myself back. Say what needs to be said, do what you fear, and hope everyone you care about is still with you in the end.

I don’t have time to hesitate.

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Finding Meaning

What is my purpose here?

I’ve spent a great deal of time pondering this at night, looking up at the moon, and before going to bed. This was my goal after taking every philosophy class back in community college, yet, I’m no closer to answering this. In the end, I’ve come to realize I’ve set myself up in some kind of paradox. There is likely no meaning to everything and to keep searching would just be futile.

The vastness of the universe is absolutely incredible. Stars in the sky are merely large gas giants with incredible mass and energy. Some of the stars you see aren’t even around anymore — merely remnants of light still making it’s way to Earth. It’s crazy to think about, much less fully grasp. What you see isn’t even physically there. The moon I’m so fond of controls the tides and reflects off light from the sun. You can say I love space and the cosmos — I am. I love it all and I wish others felt the same.

The stars make me feel small and unimportant. With several billion on this planet, I’m just another ant at the mercy of the world that encompasses everything. It doesn’t terrify me to think, but gives a lot of relief. I’m another fish in the sea. Our ego makes it think we have some greater purpose here, but it can be the case.

If we don’t have a purpose, the best course of action would just be to live long fruitful lives, full of happiness, love, and personal fulfillment. It’s my perspective on what it means to be alive and I’d be hard to find someone give a better response. It should be everyone’s worldview in my opinion. I see all religions as incompatible with one another and all it’s many followers don’t believe it with any less energy or enthusiasm.

What I’m certain is I have this life right now. Knowing that, I work on myself every year with the intent of being the best person I can be. Goals are made every year and I work towards completing every one of them before the next year comes. The worst anyone can do is to live and be stagnant.

You tend to see this a lot — especially now. People fixate on the less important aspects of life like, money, fame, etc. Who cares how much you have? Everyone chases money and wealth, but it you no one to share it with, then it’s a desolate and lonely life. If I condense life into one word, it would have to be “relationships”. It’s central to living and being felt loved and happy.

Most of my family has lived to be 70+. My great-grandma lived to be 98 and outlived two of her husbands. It’s a remarkable feat and I hope if I’m as fortunate, that my life is one of fulfillment, love, and joy. Getting old can be terrifying, but I’m looking forward to it. There’s much to do, much to accomplish, and someone out there who shares the same soul as me. For that, I don’t fear anything in life.

Later world.