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Water in the Glass

This year is either the worst ever or the best I’ve had depending on my perspective. It’s one of those glass half empty or half full situations many people like to think of. If I make a list of what didn’t go right, I have the following:

– COVID-19, economy shutdown, Black Lives Matter, riots, my Grandma being ill, and stocks took a hit.

Being a bit more optimistic, leaves me with this:

– life goes on, my business launched, I’m getting a bonus next month, my investments are up, I still have a job, and my Grandma got treated

This year is so polarizing and only a little more than half of it is gone already. It kind of makes me wonder if this is a test for my ability to persevere in times of crisis and uncertainty. Overall, I’ll have to take it for what it is and keep focused on myself. I recently lack the energy to even stay up past 11 PM without suddenly falling asleep. I’ve been telling myself the exhaustion comes from work, but I wouldn’t be surprised if my mind has been at full blast all this time.

Later world.

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Family (Lack of Thereof)

The coronavirus has everyone in my family without a job — me being the only exception. With the lockdown in place, naturally, everyone is getting extra special attention with one another. While this in principle sounds nice, my family is a fragmented mess and would make for an entertaining episode of Jerry Springer.

My parents never had the best relationship as far back as I can remember. While arguments did occur when I was a kid, overtime, the once rare occurrence has spiraled into a daily episode. Each parent wants to be right — even if it is for petty reasons. My mom is the worst offender when it comes to wanting to be the winner.

From what little I know about her, she never had much of a formal education growing up in China. In fact, both parents were farmers born into the coastal countryside. You would think they would be more receptive to facts and information, but they’re willfully ignorant — teetering on arrogant. Feeling right outweigh being factually correct.

I can’t say with complete confidence the words ‘love’ and ‘parents’ can ever be uttered in a sentence. I could ignore the daily battles and long awkward silences they too often loath under, however, my upringing was less than stellar. My mom forgot to pick me up from school — twice and was extremely neglectful and distant. My dad did not do any better. He calls it keeping me under control and teaching lessions. I grew up and call it abuse.

I’ve often been asked by friends and some women I’ve dated or been with, “Do I wish I could of had better parents?” The mythical atomic family comes to mind. When I was a pre-teen, absolutely. Now that I’m inching towards thirty, not a chance. Although imperfect and the lowest of the lows have been inflicted at their hands, my experiences — no matter how traumatic, shaped me to this very moment of my life.

I want to love because of never feeling it from them. I yearn and care for those who keep me in their thoughts. I absolutely will go to the ends of the Earth for someone I care about knowing I couldn’t say with confidence they are capable of doing the same. People around me care and that’s frankly all I need life. Not money nor anything material. Knowing others care for my well-being brings a lot of comfort and solace.

I’ve long since stopped trying to mend my relationship with them. Since I was a child, they told me I was responsible for their unhappiness and turmoil — believing it for far too long. But I grew up and saw through all the dust and chaos. I’m their scapegoat for much more personal relationship issues. For that, I wouldn’t count on anything changing. My happiness is my own and I’ll continue to look at them as two people who I label with quotes “mom and dad”.

Later world.

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Hear Me

I wish you could see me,

Coldest stares in the night — eyes teary,

What are we?

Lost souls from another — past > future and weary,


How could you deceive me?

Wandering alone through the night — no light to reach me,

Aren’t we apart like the ending story?

Chapter two of the page and a nightmare while I’m dreaming,


Angel from above never leaves my thoughts in the evening,

Darling, you drive me crazy,

The interesting thing about totaling your car and having a mild concussion is you end up with a new perspective on life. I’m just happy to be alive. I don’t think I’ve had a depressed thought all week or anything intrusive pop in my head. I’ve been running more, broke a few habits, and finally have some sense of normalcy back post accident. Granted, my memory is all over the place and I find myself struggling to remember names and dates. It’s a bit scary, but hopefully gets better with time. All I want this year is to be like any other year — one that was productive and I took an active effort to reach all the goals I set up for myself.

Later world.

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Time is Such a Bitch

Getting older has many positives. You tend to see the world with a different perspective and you’re less naive — meaning you see right through bullshit. It’s great. Not taking everything at face value means you can take care of yourself and not be so easily manipulated.

I tend to freak out seeing all the signs of aging time slowly but surely brings. My hair is getting grayer. My body feels more tired after a long week and I definitely can’t get away with eating bad anymore. Next month, I have my usual eye exam to see if I’m inching towards having glaucoma. The thought is more terrifying than the actual examination. Is it no wonder people have more anxiety nowadays?

The other week it hit me I’m at the lowest amount of debt I’ve had since 2013, which honestly sounds kind of sad. The cost of education started this long drawn out process of repayments and interest rates, but it was worth it. Learning to have a strong focus and determination is something valuable lifelong. Was it worth it? Hell yes.

I somehow live in the present, but my mind is stuck wandering into the past. It’s nice to see how far I’ve come, but perhaps I need to stop day dreaming. I’m awake, but I’m dreaming. I’m quietly working, but my mind is shouting. My mouth makes words, but I have more to say.

Later world.

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Critics and Haters

Evidently, my coworkers today made it known they’re not too fond of my goals to move to the next city over and buy a home there. It’s a city of roses as it’s affectionately called by residents and admirers from afar. I love the art, the music, and the history the city has as part of its soul, yet some don’t see it that way.

By their accounts, my goals for the future are more about bragging rights that something centering on intrinsic determination. Somehow, me wanting a better life makes me an outcast. I find it apparent when others voice their dissenting opinions on my future plans, there’s an underlying tone of jealousy and envy associated.

Honestly, life is too short to be preoccupied with the options of others who can’t admire your future goals and ambitions. For every goal within reach, expect someone there to drag you down. That’s the thing about having an audience. Some don’t want you to make it to the other side to catch the feeling of victory or accomplishment.

So be it. By my watch, I’ll own a home in the next few years. Who cares what others may think or assume.

Stay selfish in pursuit of your own life and goals. Later world.

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Letting Go: Anger, Resentment & Solace

People tend to tell me a lot of things. It’s one of the caveats to being a trusted confidant when you yourself is so open about your life — both successes and failures. I have a co-worker who has told me much about her past — mainly the not so delightful relationships she’s encountered with some men. It’s tragic in many ways to hear how wronged she was, but nevertheless, life goes on. Or does it?

I’ve noticed she, like many others, hold a lot of hostility from their past grievances with their partners.

Fuck him.

It’s a abundantly clear time has not yet simmered down their feels for that person. But it should. I’d be hard pressed to believe the other party even thinks of them as negatively as they do or preoccupy so much of their mind. In other words, don’t give them anymore or your time, if they likely don’t have a thought of yours.

Letting go is one of the few things in life only accomplished the long and difficult way. No amount of reading or advice makes it easier or faster. It’s the loudspeaker in your head that becomes deafening at high volumes. At the beginning, you’re engulfed in chaotic noise, but with some time, it should be no more than a annoying buzz. It might be a oversimplification of the processes that make bad thoughts become easier, but I hope the idea is there.

I’ve have a few bad times. Several years have passed and it’s no more than just an inconvenience I faced relative to where I am now. There were times I was wronged, belittled, attacked, and berated, but coming to terms with what transpired made it all better. I can’t say there’s a path one can take to find inner peace with themselves or let go of the past that so easily makes a return, but anything less is a life of hardship and turmoil. Skeletons in the closet should remain boarded shut and forgotten. Time waits for no one. Might as well see the light — find it now rather than never.

I can say with all sincerity I harbor no negative feelings for anyone no matter what transpired previously. The journey of life is perilous and all I can do is take each day with a new perspective. It’s all about how you perceive it — positivity is medicine for all wounds — physical and emotional.

I don’t hate, I don’t despise, and I sure don’t anchor on to any point in the past. By some stroke of fate my time here is cut short and I’m moments from leaving this realm, I know I’ll calmly close my eyes and feel at peace with the world. I don’t need a last minute confession or a few last words. That is not how I or anyone should go out.

See life for what it is. To some it’s a journey. To me is a voyage at sea. No matter what, find solace and let go. Later world.

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Tomorrowland

“I hope she knows you only like the beginnings of things.”

Everything that is new is exciting. I love the feeling of a new love interest, a new destination, or a new start — experiencing something different brings a lot delight. I tend to remember beginnings more vividly than how it ended. Some can argue nothing really ends depending on your perspective. It’s true. We look forward to tomorrow knowing we can’t go back into the past. Lives carry on and you leave behind the past a little more with each passing day. You can’t remember everything forever. Memories fade, as do the pain you’ve experienced. It might never go away completely — I would know. At the least, you have a bit of closure.

What is life without taking it all in like a sponge?

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Predetermined

A certain segment of the population believe life is predetermined. That all your actions actions are scripted and prerecorded. This is absolute bullshit. I firmly believe everyone is in control of their lives. Every action is one they bear responsibility for and no one else. There is no plan; only the one you set forth.

I like to think life is like a movie. Do you want yours to be a B-list movie or a Hollywood blockbuster? I think the choice is clear. With that being said, you can’t expect life to magically throw you a bone and you’re somehow a success story. Time, effort and determination is required. Without it, you’re left with a life of what ifs and has beens. Seize the moment as some would say.

It’s 2019 and I’m thankful to be where I am. I’ve met most my goals and actively work towards the next one. Some can argue it throws your priorities out of whack, but I disagree. Worst anyone can do it live not knowing what tomorrow has in store for you. That’s not to say it’s going to go according to plan. It rarely does. All I’m doing is setting the course and hope I reach the destination one way or another.

Life can be a total bitch some days. If you somehow have the support of your closest friends, don’t expect them to know where you’re coming from. Their priorities aren’t your priorities. They offer their support but that’s all it is. Just kind words of encouragement. Perspective taking is wanted but rarely seen in person.

Life the way you see fit. You don’t owe anyone anything. You’re not here to save anyone or rescue some poor soul. What matters is yourself. Anything less would just be thoughtless and met with disappointment. Be the best you and hope everyone is still along for the ride.

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My Dad & I 1/28/2019

I’ve never had much of a relationship with my dad — which is something I’ve talked very little about. My excuse over the years has been, if you don’t have anything good to say, you should say nothing. For most my life, that’s stuck. I’ve gotten use to giving him a blind eye, not giving him a word, or a moment of my attention. We are two people on very different paths who may never see eye-to-eye.

I’ve been disappointed by him countless times. Perhaps it’s his less than enthusiastic behavior to any good news I tell him or his inability to see it from my perspective. In a nutshell, it’s complicated, him and I. It’s funny. We look incredibly alike yet have worlds of differences holding us apart.

We were to get dinner at my uncle’s place tonight. My dad drove, just him and myself would be in the car. Normally, I’d dread this, but I had a long day and food was my main goal for the night. While we sat across from each other, I thought to myself — fuck it. Let’s chat to kill the awkward silence.

I was contacted by an old co-worker to work on a project for his boss and got approval based on my listed suggestions and given timeframe. It’s great news and extra income in my pocket considering it’s all done remotely and during the evenings. I got transferred the full agreed upon compensation just a few hours ago.

I told my dad as he was driving about what happened. He was impressed. And very. In those few short minutes, we had a real one-to-one conversation, free of conflict, awkwardness, and past resentment. We bonded.

When I was a kid, I use to think my dad was the coolest person on the planet. Next to my Grandpa and my Uncle, he was the epitome of laid back. He wore designer jeans, always had his characteristic Lacoste polo, and a pack of Marlboros stuffed in his shirt pocket. Everywhere we went, he knew someone or bumped into a friend. Everyone was always happy to see him and would try to quickly catch up, both men and women included. It’s one of the unique aspects of my dad. He’s popular and everyone knows it.

We both need to work on this — whatever is holding us back. Tonight, I’m a bit surprised, a bit speechless, and overall just impressed as much as he is.

Thanks.

Later world.

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Shifting Priorities

I’ve noticed with each passing year, my priorities have shifted a lot. I used to think money was the end all and was a bit misguided to think so. I spent several years like this and came to realize this wasn’t the least bit correct. Money is important, but it’s not a magic bandaid for all your problems or your family.

It’s one of the main reasons why I majored in psychology. I had two reasons: I could pursue a career in helping others and also figure out what makes me tick inside. I’ve wondered what makes me go and if the thoughts and feelings I had were unique or common. For this reason, I’ve felt odd when I was a teenager. It wasn’t your typical teenage angst you see so much with everyone. I felt an overwhelming sense of isolation and loneliness. I wanted deeper insight into myself and answers for questions I wasn’t entirely ready to ask.

It’s one of the best things I ever did for myself. I found the light and felt less terrified for why I felt this way. Why things the way they were with my family. The odd behaviors my parents have. The dynamics of their often troubled relationship I’ve grown accustomed to seeing. It all made sense after a while. Much to my surprise, I figured out I wasn’t crazy for thinking this way. They are as they always will be — summarizing six years of schooling in that subject.

I’m not alone.

The last several years haven’t been a walk in the park. I’ve had three relationships come and go. Those select women whom I used to love taught me a lot about myself. Learning to self-accept, learning to better listen, learning to take responsibility for my actions, and more importantly, finding a path to self-improvement. We didn’t always agree on every topic — which is something I’m thankful for. It turns out having someone who always agrees does you no good. I get turned off and somewhat suspicious when I date and hear yeses and mmhmms. I tend to think it’s lacking in sincerity. All I’m looking for is that — honesty.

Last year, I took it upon myself to write more — both here and whatever scraps of paper I have with me at the coffee shop. I’ve come to like it a great deal not for just better articulating my thoughts into words, but finding it to be therapeutic. I appreciate alone time more. I still have a tendency to edit after a blog post is made or worse, convince myself it has to be deleted. I’m working on that and hope to be less of a critic to myself.

This year, I’m hopeful it’s like every other year. One of personal fulfillment, goals being met, shared experiences with those I hold dear, and to not repeat the same mistakes from the past. I’m only human. I’m imperfect. I strive to be the best person I can be. If I know this and hold myself up to this standard, I’ll feel less anxious, less worried, more relaxed, and remain optimistic for my future.

The future is met with unknowns. Who knows who I’ll end up or where I’ll end up. I try to be consistent and relentlessly give others the time and attention they deserve. It might be one of the best qualities about myself if I am going to be a bit less modest.

It doesn’t deter me and shouldn’t anyone for that matter.