Categories
Uncategorized

Mental Health Awareness Month

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. I’ve been no stranger to feeling sad, off, or have prolong feelings of melancholy that seem to make the days drag on. They say the depressed see the world in duller tones — which I can attest to be true. Once in a blue moon, I feel myself at the depths of despair even though, by all accounts, life is going smoothly. I have a nice job, car, a few nice possessions, friends that care about me, and people that I can reach without much trouble. I’d trade all my worldly possessions for the relationships I have with my friends and family without hesitation. I firmly believe that is what is important in life — people.

image

I feel broken. But perhaps I’m not wording that eloquently enough. I’ve had a number of events in my life that traumatized me whether I can freely admit it or not. The deaths of a few close family members, an emotionally abusive relationship with a former girl friend, non-existent blood family, almost dying a few times, and a few friends leaving my boat to fend for myself alone in the ocean — life isn’t always glamorous or picture perfect.

Would I trade all those negative experiences for a life free of pain and suffering? Absolutely not. Learn from the past and just keep moving forward. It’s not your typical bullshit motivational post found on the likes of Facebook or Instagram — it’s the truth. I have a hard time forgetting and I would say time only slowly removes those unwanted feelings and emotions. I’m honest. I hope everyone else I care about is also.

It’s May 2019 and I can recall feeling completely lost in my own word numerous times in the past. Alone. It’s strange to admit when there are so many people who care about me. I’ve only recently realized how I perceive my world is not 1-to-1 to reality. I need a few words of advice and wisdom or a pick me up some months, but I listen intently. Perhaps, I am different, but I know there are others who feel the same way. All I have is this blog and the words in between. I fancy myself an optimist and hope that doesn’t change.

Take care of yourself. Thanks for visiting. Later world.

 

Categories
Uncategorized

It All Ends Well

Not a lot went well this month. Between my court case, lack of healthy habits, being stressed out over work and feeling a bit lost, life is kicking my ass. And hard. I guess you can say it’s been a perfect storm. Plans fell through and I was powerless to stop it. My appetite is practically nonexistent which raises a lot of concern. I’ve never been too good at eating, which puzzles some of my friends. I routinely fall asleep before 9PM and wake up around 4AM. I’d like to get a few more hours in, but the mind is busy and turning it off isn’t an option. Safe to say I feel a little overwhelmed and I don’t expect anyone I’m close to to understand where I’m coming from. I’m different. Story of my life.

I’ve wondered how other people deal with life. Do they watch TV? Play video games? None of which I like to do. I think spending all my time reading seems like a better idea, but we can agree to disagree. I don’t know what to the fuck to do in my leisure time. Perhaps that’s something I need to work on. I like to think I’m mindful of everything around me and how I’m feeling. To be in tuned with a frequency if you will. Seems like recently, all I’m hearing is static and noise. What a bitch.

My friends mean well. They’re all great and have my best interests in mind. Even with that, I don’t think they know what am going through and will jump the gun in trying to cheer me up. Does anyone really get you in life? Who knows. I don’t feel alright and this seems all too common. For the time being, as my former self would say, time to dip out. My more eloquent side would say so long, farewell, and until next time.

Later world.

Categories
Uncategorized

Falling From Grace

For several years, I witnessed your fall from grace. A lesion of the mind and clouded judgement. In all the chaos, I feel as if you think you’re more than human. As if you don’t realize your true vulnerability. I’ve seen you stumble, mope around, teeter on the brink of death, and yet, you don’t see the light. I call it luck. You see it differently. Of the times you were depressed, I went against my better judgement and let it continue. I fed you poison, the easy fix, a pill to make it all go away. Had I seen how you are now, I would have never let you have them, but I did. That’s on me.

I’ve seen you at the bottom. Completely unrecognizable and incomprehensible. It was glimpse into your true self. Not a mask, not an illusion, just unfiltered you. I can’t say I was too surprised. We all suspected it for so long. You felt relief and we lingered to help. But it was just that — a one time deal. Lives carry on and we haven’t address the bigger issue you’re facing. It’s funny. I’ve been open, but you have yet to do the same. I don’t blame you. Not everyone is ready to let others in.

I had my brushes with death and so have you. We have that going for us. We’re alive for now. I truthfully felt I was no better off than you were, but it’s taken a turn for the worst. I found the light and I’m keeping it open for you.

 

Categories
Uncategorized

Sunshine 1/13/2019

“You are a ray of sunshine on the cloudiest of days.”

Some days don’t go according to plan and that’s just fine.

Today was unusually frustrating. My to-do list grew and I was overwhelmed — total understatement for this entire fucking month. It’s not usually the case, just this week, deadlines we’re pushed way up and I only have another 5 days before the project is due. I’m stressed, but what else is new…

Truthfully, I’ve felt better and I’m not looking forward to next week for that matter. As I was just sitting there at the coffee shop with my iced latte dreading what’s to come, I felt really uneasy. I think I felt more disappointed by the fact I haven’t been able to fully relax all of this week. This is my life right now. Son of a bitch…

Making matters worse, my boss is in China for the next few weeks and getting in touch with him with the time difference will be a challenge. This fucking blows. He likes to put me in charge but I’m not really one to manage people. It’s just not my forte if that’s even the word.

My philosophy is always just get the work done and don’t dick around. I don’t really care what everyone does behind the scenes. If you’re on task and all the todos get checked off, hey, go crazy. Drop a disco ball in the showroom and have a dance off. Whatever. I think everyone is old enough to know what not to do in an office, but I’ve been wrong before. We shall see.

The day isn’t even over yet and of course there’s more drama to be dealt with. Give me a break. If there’s one thing I want this year is to be just less fucking busy. I feel I’m being spread a bit too thinly. Like butter — or peanut butter if that’s more your thing.

On the bright side, it’s supposed to rain all of next week — which is music to my ears. If relaxing on the couch wasn’t working, I hope the sweet sounds of cascading water droplets will. I think most people dread rain in Los Angeles, but I welcome it with open arms — sans umbrella no less. Shit, I used to just get rained on intentionally for the hell of it. If I needed a smoke while I was at it, an umbrella was used much to the shock of my neighbors.

Neighbors: “Danny, what the fuck are you doing?! You’re getting wet, bro.”

Me: Puff and puff.

Maybe I’ve grown to not like living here the older I get. Seems like all my neighbors are shit with an undertone of suspicion thrown in. Truthfully, they all rub me the wrong way and I’m not sure that their deal is. It’s a weird feeling being surrounded my Chinese people and not understanding 95% of what comes out of their mouth.

I’ve told all of them at one point or another I absolutely do not understand what the fuck you’re saying, but they keep jabbering on and on. Like, can they just get through their heads I might not understand the language? As if somehow the English I speak so fluently wasn’t obvious enough to them. In a nutshell, I’m a guy with a Chinese disguise and not everyone is up and arms about my lack of culture with the other people living in this city. I’m trapped. Story of my life.

I think the only real course of action would just be to move out of my “hometown” that I’ve grown tired of for almost 25 fucking years. It was bearable then, but now I kinda hate it — but hates a strong word. Some people call me a banana and hey, I won’t stop you. Seems fitting if I consider the circumstances. I was born in China, grew up here, managed to only assimilate with Hispanics my entire life and now I feel like I’ll never really feel at home. I should really move the hell out of here and that will be an absolute priority. A high one at that.

The week isn’t all bad. A few days earlier I paid off essentially one of the two student loans I’ve oh so been familiar with the past few years. I think it’s a big accomplishment as my friends put it. Now I can say I just have the other half to worry about, but truthfully, I’ve never worried about it all too much. Like, it’s just there. Boom. Look at me now. My credit score jumped up another 15 points — which I totally dig.

It’s only fitting. Every January, February, and March seems to be about the same. It’s a slow move up until summer rolls around. Apparently, a large percentage of the population has some form of vitamin D deficiency when the colder seasons come, leading to a down or depressed mood. Who knew? Note to self: you’re not weird. It’s just the weather and lack of sunlight.

No one understands me.

2019, you’re kicking my ass, but I’ll keep fighting — as usual. Later world.

Categories
Uncategorized

It’s Okay to Be Sad

To be human is to have the capacity to express all types of emotions. I’ve come to realize the following:

  • It’s okay to be sad or depressed. I’m inclined to believe everyone is a little bit sad. You cannot see what lies ahead of you and on some days, something tragic or terrible happens. Everyone will be affected by depression at some point of their lives. No one is immune to sadness. One in four people suffer from depression in some form. Struggling with depression and feeling at your lowest of lows is just another part of life. It doesn’t mean you’re broken and there’s no quick and easy solution. Whether it lasts a day, a month, or years depends how you deal with it.

If anything, being sad humanizes you. Being able to feel sadness means you are just has human as the person next to you. It’s a normal human emotion that’s part of life. There are some, like my best friend who chooses to numb all his feelings with drugs and alcohol. That’s no way to live and likely makes the road to recovery that much more difficult. Being aware of your behaviors makes all the difference. I recall one time, while he went through a very hard break up, he essentially drown out his sorrows with alcohol. He went as far as to trash his place — even with his mom home. You can say he didn’t take it so well and I don’t blame him. I (meaning we) should have not let him have alcohol.

What Helps With Depression

  • Talk About It: I do this all the time with my group of friends. Being able to vent out my frustrations with the world gives me a brief, but satisfying feeling of relief. Does it completely remove all my lingering negative thoughts? No, never. It’s not easy opening up to someone, even if you’re close to them. You have to willingly open up and it shouldn’t be forced. It’s worlds better than keeping to myself and having the same thoughts on repeat all day. Your greatest enemy is your own mind. For days I don’t feel talkative, writing makes a difference too. I only publish 1/3rd of all the things I write about, but putting words on paper is another avenue to help with sad thoughts.
  • Good Habits: I’ve noticed good healthy habits are essential to a happy life. Smoking and drinking feels great, but the health risks outweighs any momentary feelings of sedation.

1) Exercise is important and is often my way of  distracting myself from intrusive thoughts. After every run, my mind is clear and it’s incredibly satisfying to know I got a few miles in. Runner’s high comes is real and it’s well-worth it.

2) Eating right: Reduce your sugar intake, reliance on processed foods, caffeine, and switch to food made of real ingredients. There’s that saying “You are what you eat” and it’s true. People with a high sugar intake are more prone to depression. Switch to fruits or vegetables for the road to recovery. My friend suggested I completely stop eating out to see if it helps with my mood and my God — it did work.

3) Positivity: I like to think my optimistic view of the world helps a great deal. My one friend is the definition of a Debbie-downer, so I stopped talking to him for a couple weeks. Bad news and people who can’t see the bright side negatively affects you. Take a break from all the terrible things the news or internet tells you everyday and focus on yourself. That’s not to say I think every day will be a good day. Perspective is everything and you shouldn’t go about your day blindly.

4) Laughter is good for the soul. Whether it’s a video of someone falling over or the hundreds of mini pig videos I have bookmarked, find something that brings you joy. Spend time with someone who makes you laugh and watch your favorite funny movie. Everyone needs a good laugh even if you’re not depressed.

5) Enjoyment: Do something you enjoy. For me it’s running, reading, and watching old black and white films. My hobbies are niche — if you consider stocks and investment tips niche. Taking walks around my favorite city costs nothing, but I find it incredibly relaxing. Some days I take photos of any interesting subjects or scenery I see and go back to them to marvel at the natural beauty around us.

Getting out of bed some days is a monumental challenge. Whether is going to a job you cannot stand or the dread you feel in having to put up a smile for everyone, get out of bed. You can either dwell on your thoughts and be a prisoner of your own domain or go outside and experience the world around you. With enough time, sadness fades. It may not be gone completely or perhaps make a return in the future, but three things are certain. Everyday, the sun rises and sets, and with every month, there’s a full moon to gaze up at.

Everyone will suffer. Everyone will be sad. Happiness is illusive. The road to feeling better is met with bumps and cracks, but don’t never give. Hope is within reach and never think otherwise. You’re not invincible and can be quite vulnerable, but there are friends and family who care about you who’ll lend a helping hand.

Later world.