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Let’s Hurry It Up

Two of my closest friends are expecting their first child. I’m excited as much as they are and to think I’ll be an uncle to someone is surreal. How odd, terrifying, but moving.

While I believe everyone on this journey of life sets their own pace, I’ve suddenly found myself wondering if I’m behind. The feelings come naturally when I’m preoccupied with work and why my savings isn’t miraculously going to solve all my problems. Different strokes for different folks, yet I’m here fixed on the monetary.

Don’t mistake it. Life isn’t all about money nor the material, but when life tries to fight you, I’m glad I can cover the seemingly too frequent visits the hospital. It’s a game of fighting the unexpected and misfortunate.

I’ve always told myself I couldn’t possibly be tied to a relationship right now with how busy work keeps me. Fun is immediate without the strings attached. Attachment itself is vulnerability and a slow stewing recipe for distress. Having a child is expensive once the reality phase comes hitting you like a train.

Like my grandma has told me countless times, stop to smell the roses and worry about yourself. Time is limited, yet we’re all trapped wishing for what others have while we are too distracted in how to obtain them. I am me. Next.

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Love and This Year

2020 is quite unusual. Pandemic aside, I didn’t fall head over heels in love and I didn’t date anyone new. I blame COVID for the lack of feelings to be had this year, but tell me something that isn’t already obvious. It’s strange. Normally, I could list a few good places I’ve been to with the lady or a few new experiences to be shared, but all that came to a halt.

Say it ain’t so. I’ve felt cheapened by the events of this year. Watered down even. The few casual encounters or what I like to call “extracurricular activities” I’ve had with women weren’t too meaningful nor something my mind to fixate on. Let’s not even number the headcount.

Everyone had this haze around them. I don’t blame them nor the constant reminders we’re inching towards a post-apocalyptic world — it can’t be helped. Shit. All I’m looking forward to is Thanksgiving — my all time favorite holiday. I can’t imagine the logistics around it, but I’m dreaming. This can’t all be happening and yet it is.

Later world.

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Rainy Day Fund

Life has a way of throwing too much in my direction. I’ve gotten a surprise bill in the mail. A cool four figures owed. Ouch.

I’ve noticed this year has a way of being expected. COVID, riots, heightened attitudes… something doesn’t feel right all year. Honestly, how can it. I’ve largely been unaffected this entire time. Call me thankful to still manage to get by relatively unscathed financially.

I’ve been in the hospital twice in less than a year. Can’t say that is a good sign for things to come, but here I am: tired, sweaty, and unenthusiastic about tomorrow. I’ve come to realize just because I don’t show the underlying emotion, doesn’t mean it’s not unknowingly affecting my well-being. I’m not as invincible as I believe.

Now I’m just mortal. Those feats of stupidity and brazen disregard for life have finally caught up to me. I can’t run any longer and the finish line gets farther. The lion has bitten back and I’m left hopping for the next kilometer.

I want the next year to come already. Give me Thanksgiving and fast forward to the next year, please. Best of luck to everyone wandering, but not yet lost.

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I Feel Behind

One of the more alarming problems I face is how I constantly feel like I’m “behind”. I have a great job and my income is decent, but I can never shake the feeling. Even when I know there are people much worse out there in the city without jobs and financial support, I can’t reason myself out of this thought.

I would assume it stems from what my uncle told me a few years ago. In his own words, no matter how much you make, eventually, you will think it’s not enough. There’s this imaginary ceiling I’ve created. Next year I’ll make this much, but once I do reach it, a higher ceiling is created. I’m either not seeing the full picture or my thoughts are too fixated on the wrong priorities.

It’s one of those reasons I much rather find ways to be content with life than go out searching for happiness. What good is happiness when it’s only momentarily? I think this year has been especially difficult processing all these conflicting thoughts. I should be thankful and yet I’m not. There’s a bonus waiting for me next month, but I disregard it. I’m healthy and determined, but the future feels uncertain.

Someone save me. Later world.

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I’m Getting Old

As the title states: I’m getting old. No seriously. I have a few grey hairs and there’s no denying my age. Recently, the summer heat has me as parched as the Sahara Desert and headaches are becoming frequent. My solution, or at least my attempt, is drinking a gallon of water a day. I’ve been at it since the first of this month and I’ve already noticed a considerable difference in my skin tone.

I’ve had lingering redness for a while and this regime of reaching my daily water quota has me looking fresh and less tired. Granted there’s only so much one can do if you’re going to work at 7:30 AM and working til 5 PM, but I’m trying.

I think every guy should do something more that the typical face wash and shave in the morning. You more than likely need it. I wash my face with the Shiseido Men’s facial scrub and follow up with a shave. Afterwards, I apply a moisturizer and let that sink into my face and follow up with sunblock — all from the same line. My aunt introduced me to this brand and I definitely liking the results.

My friends consider this too much, but my masculinity is no way threatened. Last I checked, taking care of yourself is something everyone should be doing everyday — not just females.

Every couple weeks, I take a eyebrow razor to all the overgrown hairs to clean them up. This by far makes the biggest difference in my appearance. Maybe this is high maintenance or whatever clever comment someone who wishes to crack a joke at my expense, but the results don’t lie.

I remember back in the early 2000s there was a term to describe someone like myself: metrosexual? Ick. Who would of guessed self care could be so polarizing.

I’m so glad tomorrow is Friday. Later world.

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I Met Someone

Ever meet someone not knowing what to expect, but suddenly being lured into the conversation? I love that. I find engaging talks to be the best part about meeting someone new. Not the typical made-up looks so many in our society desire. I think anyone can look good in makeup and a nice set of clothes, but if you peel back the superficial, you want more — a connection.

Call me a hopeless romantic searching for whatever love means in this world, but I desire someone who can hold a conversation. One that is long, engaging, varying in topics, and keeps my ears perked hoping to never miss a word.

This month is alright to put it mildly. Quite possibly the biggest understatement thus far. Later world.

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BLM: Among Other Things

Everyone is caught up on Black Lives Matter. I usually see a dozen or so posts on social media — my only one being Instagram. While I admire the armchair-level of political activism my generation easily gravitates towards, I personally haven’t devoted any time to expressing support for the movement.

One of my friends says this is inherently wrong. My lack of support doesn’t mean I don’t care — I’m preoccupied with life of my own and if this year wasn’t such a let down, perhaps I would feel differently. It troubles me when so many out there are called racists when they overlook the fact COVID-19 has destroyed the livelihoods of the American people. Should one use up their time and energy to voice support of BLM or worry about themselves and how they’re going to pay bills the following month?

I’m personally in the latter camp. I’m not pinching for quarters at the bottom of my wallet nor completely dependent on the government issuing a second round of stimulus checks. All I want to focus on is myself. Anyone who disagrees is not seeing it from the other perspective. I don’t recall ever being so engulfed in work the previous years, yet feeling so distraught over how the current state of the economy has took a downturn.

I much rather everyone worry for themselves and evaluate how they’re going to pay rent, bills, and keep food on the table before channeling their energy on policy changes. I don’t believe there is a systemic issue with cops murdering people nor everything reported on the news is factually correct. Not all cops are bad. Not all Blacks deserved to be targeted. We should not be rioting because someone is unjustly murdered. Destruction of property is never justified because the public feels outraged. There’s an inherent bias I see this year with the way the world is betrayed.

To put it simply: act like a fucking human being. Don’t bring your kids out on to the streets when you know there are riots. Don’t walk into an establishment without a mask and demand service when you’re so willfully ignorant about your actual rights. Stop pretending COVID-19 isn’t dangerous. If you don’t have an idea what next month holds when you have no income, worry about that. Worry about yourself.

Later world.

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IDGAF

The new rule for this month is to not give a fuck and err on the side of hedonism. This year is progressively getting worse and I’m powerless to stop it. I don’t give a fuck about Black Lives Matter. I don’t give a fuck about the next stimulus check. I don’t give a fuck if your unemployment is running out. Those issues don’t concern me. I only want to worry about myself.

Just for once, I wish people would get back to their own lives and stop pushing their interests on others. Let me be. Agree to disagree. Channel that outrage into getting your life together. Worry about paying bills on time. Learn to save for tomorrow. Get the fuck off social media.

Later world.

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The Reality of 2020

This entire year feels like a complete failure. COVID derailed all of my plans and then some. Every forecast for what this year could has been missed. I just accept the harsh reality of what this year entails and unfortunately, it feels like it’s getting worse each passing day.

The reality of life is simple: expect not it to go according to plan. I feel like I’m just 70% there and I’m often forgetting the most mundane of tasks. I feel on edge and most people I interact with can see it. Save me? No. Worry about yourself. I’m just honest about it.

Mix an ongoing pandemic with civil unrest and you have by far one of the most unruly times in recent memory. To everyone who feels let down and disappointed, I’m here right with you. The world is chaotic and I’m looking for mercy, not a resolve.

Later world.

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Terrible Mondays

Monday’s aren’t my favorite day of the week. I got stranded today. Thankfully, in the nice part of town and not on the side of the freeway. If there’s any silver lining to today, I had a few good laughs with my coworkers and the day was not typically busy. I’m calling this a case of bad luck. Can I expect this to week to be better? I really doubt it.

There’s always tomorrow.

June is not over just yet. How fitting the day can be so terrible.

Later world.