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The Exit Path

Quite honestly, not everything goes according to plan. But I’m fine with that. Learning to roll with the punches or in my case, a fucking concussion, is all a part of life. My once golden vantage career path has suddenly turned dark and uncertain. Call it bad luck or the sad state of foreign affairs the economy has been enthralled in. Either way, I need plan B.

If you were to ask me what the hell I would be doing for work right out of college, I’d honestly say some dead ass job that barely paid the bills. That wasn’t me being unoptimistic — more so realistic considering I was up to my neck in debt and hopelessly inebriated 24/7. Now that I’m passed that mindset, having other options available when work goes south seems like a constant battle.

In the time I’ve been trying to improve, I’ve come to realize just how swift and sudden you can end up hating the usual 9-5. Some employers use that to their advantage, actually. How fucked up. Hasn’t everyone woke up not wanting to enter the office and dreading the day’s events? Mondays no less. You don’t want to be there and yet you have no choice because of bills and whatever debt life has it’s grasp on your throat.

This entire fucking week, I felt like I was suffocating. How tragic and unsettling. Thankfully, I’m feeling much better now. Sometimes, or a lot of the times, the door isn’t open for you. You have to kick it down and walk right in like you’re wanted and expected. So what if this feels like a set back. I’m just taking it all in and hopefully able to self-reflect in the not so distant future.

This week ended on a high note. A welcomed one at that. Later world. Daniel, out.

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To My Baby Sister

I went car buying with my baby sister last night. There was a near perfect Volkswagen Golf GTI Autobahn that was certified pre-owned. I found out hours earlier my insurance company is paying out more than what my car is worth and I get to pocket the rest. The dealership is also refunding me the extended warranty plan and maintenance package I bought at the time of purchase. That can be put towards this new car. All together, I’m looking at nearly $6000 back in my hands. Pretty sweet if you ask me.

It’s weird how life can fuck you up with a concussion, but quickly discover there’s a glimmer of good news just waiting for you. What’s that phrase again? Life, you son of a bitch. After all this, I’m just hoping to get my memory back to normal. I feel like I’m only 80% there right now, with the missing portion rest and plenty of relaxation.

My friend always says, “Shit happens”. Which is definitely true, but instead of having it bring you down to the depths of despair, find a new avenue to approach it. I spent all day figuring out my options, calling my insurance company, checking dealerships, and more importantly — moving quickly to make a bad situation better. You can say I went against my doctor’s orders to stay put and relax, but that’s up for debate another day.

With the perfect (a bit 2nd) car picked out and an agreement to sell it only to me, I walked out happy as a bear with honey. My sis drove that night so we had a long drive back together. It’s not usually we get to be alone like this so I took a deep breath and told her my lingering thoughts.

I assured her there was absolutely no alcohol or drugs involved in my accident and everything I’ve told her has been the complete truth. I said I loved her and my brother more than I let on and while I was hurt, I’ll be fine and I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.

I confessed again to her my long-standing problems with depression, anxiety, and alcohol use. I know it troubles her to see me like this, like that, so I said I was sorry. From bottom of my heart I am. I can say I don’t always have the best habits or set the best example for my siblings and for that, I hope they forgive me for my misgivings and behavior. I said to her I was lucky to walk away from the accident and reassured her I would make some lifestyle changes.

She was on the verge of crying.

Later world. Daniel’s still here, alive, but just slightly bruised. Nice try.

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Looking Back at the Decade

I find it hard to believe 2010 was almost ten years ago. Where did all the time go and so suddenly? I feel these past ten years were some of the most turbulent but important years of my life. Wild, but sobering. Drunk and sedated. Lonely but smiling. Laughing but resentful. These states make no sense, but how do you summarize ten years into a few short paragraphs?

It would be the first year I’d live my life without my Grandpa. He was taken from me, from us, from her, and the shock was hard and pain. Suffering felt immediate and my world was overcome with grief. My grandparents were a pair and without the other, my Grandma became angry at the world. She did not hold back and neither did I. How the most beloved person you hold so dear to you could be the first to go is something I had a hard time comprehending. Words cannot express the loss felt of missing someone closest to you.

Anger left me different — resentful to say the least. I gave up knowing I felt on my own and lonely. No words of guidance or assurance was seen or heard from anyone. I wandered and went nowhere. I dropped out of college and spent all my time getting drunk and went to every party that landed on my news feed. It was fun for a while, why wouldn’t it? It kept my mind preoccupied and sedated. Thoughts became none and I loved it — for now.

Going back to school was immensely difficult. I already knew I was behind and classes felt immensely difficult. They were. I had no idea how to resume life and did everything I possibly thought would help stuff sections of information in my brain. I was riddled with anxiety and every failing mark on a paper or exam hurt.

It would be the very first time I felt I wanted to leave this world early and by my own hands. Anyone who has these thoughts should honestly not let them linger and boil over. It’s poison in the mind that slowly makes you want to act on your thoughts. I pray no one does if you’re reading this.

As difficult as school was, once I figured out how to study again, classwork became routine. The resentment inside me never left, but at least my grades improved drastically. My first few serious relationships we’re all during the first half of the decade and my God did I love them all.

Love returned, but not without consequence. We dated, hanged out, met this person and that person, and shared every inconceivable secret with each other. Every woman was unique and different. There were sweet, but subtle quirks with each one of them. Makes me smile even now to think back at it all.

I found out you should not love someone if you do not love yourself. A bit the hard way. The first relationship went and came quickly. Too fast and too soon. I lashed out at her with all the fury one man could for being so deep in pain. I’m sorry. But I never told her that. She was a doll, but I was a monster undeserving of her. Lesson learned? Maybe not.

Dating itself could be its own chapter riddled with notes and annotations left pilled up high. Not everyone is sincere and as fun as it is to do dinner and movie, sometimes it just won’t work out no matter how positive the outlook seems. The very person smiling in front of me could have other motives and while as awful as it is to think back, I needed that. Don’t be so naive or feel the need to have to be with someone. Remain honest even if they aren’t. You quickly we through the mask and bullshit.

I had this all too close relationship with alcohol. Did anyone suspect a problem? Hell no. College years, I was just seen as the socialble one. At home alone, I down 40 after 40 and felt the warm bliss of blacking out and not knowing what day it was in the morning. I have a spreadsheet of all the times I went and bought alcohol or any other illicit substance from the first half of the decade saved on my computer. Let’s just say I squandered away thousands. Ouch.

I would say my night time habits didn’t catch up to me until 2015. But once it did, it hit my body hard. I felt slow, my body ached, and my chest was constantly pounding. I chalked that up to anxiety, but honestly, I was full of shit. I knew what was happening and I came up with excuses to not stop. I’m still working on this, but I’ll freely admit it’s gotten so much better with time.

Working in the real world was interesting to say the least. I’ve only had office jobs and many came and went. I’ve had places and co-workers I wish would burn to the ground of have an anvil fall on them, but that’s beside the point. Find a job or career was challenging, but definitely not as bad as everything else I’ve touched on. If you don’t like where your at, just quit. Have a buffer or safety net in place to keep you going until the next one and keep trying. It’ll be scary, unknown, but worth getting yourself out of an unwanted environment. You work to make money, and if the money doesn’t justify staying there, leave.

I’m thankful life the last couple years have been great and much progress has been made. Goals have been reached and I’m no longer that awful person I once became trapped in. I tell no lies and remain sincere, even of it makes me look bad. I think that’s honestly all I want from all my friends or people I’ve seen — sincerity is paramount. I’ve come to realize that it’s not able making yourself look good and hiding all you flaws, but about being your whole self. I’m an unfinished work in progress and I make no claims to be perfect any time soon.

This year has been one of the best yet. I was with someone seriously for once. We hit it off and I enjoyed our time together. No it didn’t last but I was honest about what I wanted out of it or where I saw us going. Work got in the way, but I gave her a heads up. After some months, we stopped. It was for the best and would have been fair to autopilot this relationship with her. Bad timing? Maybe. Was it a fun time? Most definitely.

I don’t know what the next ten years hold, but anyone reading this, I hope you keep moving forward. The trajectory is unknown, but I hope nothing stops you from the journey of life. It’s hard, it’s painful, it’s loving and addicting. Best thing I ever did was want to wake up for tomorrow. There is only half a month left and I’m hopeful as ever. Later world. You have been one hell of a wild ride. I love it.

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SOS Help Me

I found out today by the ever so lovely company account I have a huge tax problem upcoming. In all honesty, we, meaning me, should have consulted someone before transferring an entire fucking company to my name, but ignorance is bliss (almost). Worst case scenario, I get a letter in the mail from the IRS. She assured me this is fixable and my God, I hope so too.

I’ve been driving this stupidly slow and Dad-vibes Jetta for the better part of tbe week and it’s somewhat grown on me. That eco button on the center console is no joke. Literally don’t have to fill up much to get from point A to B. Supposedly I get my much preferred and fixed Golf GTI back tomorrow and I’m really hoping that’s true. No one kill my vibe, okay?

Am I tired, weak, and riddled with insomnia? Yes, all of the above. I think the shining light out of all these issues is my co-workers have been pretty supportive of my new business venture and have nothing but encouraging.

I was designing a website today and noticed all the missing pages and sections are much like life. It’s all a work in progress. You fill in all the pieces and images eventually, but you’re never quite satisfied later on. Anyone content is just not seeing the improvements to be made or their full potential. What a beautiful, yet geeky way to preoccupy my mind about life.

Also, everyone this time of the year keeps asking who the hell I’m seeing now or what happened to this person or that. Is it really my obligation to tell them my personal dating life and who I’m seeing — seriously or not? Typical office gossip bullshit, but really — I’m not going to be engaged any time soon. Why the urgency and rush all of a sudden?

I’m fucking 28 going on thirty. Make about 40% more than the median household income in my town, and have not the slightest idea why I’m not content yet. Talk to my expensive therapist, my ultra highly rated physician, my dermatologist, or some other shrink I see every few months and maybe they’ll have some idea how to fix me.

Work isn’t great but it keeps me busy and my mind away from these types of thoughts. I did a good deed this month and bought my baby sis and brand new MacBook for her birthday without even questioning that decision. Shit. I remember buying some piece of shit barely functional laptop with a measly 2 hour battery life back when I decided to go back to college and get my life together. I think I’ve come a long way and as some say, the journey continues. Stay humble, keep moving forward, and keep the past away from seeing the future.

2020 — I’m optimistic yet terrified for my own self. How amusing and strangely contradictory.

Later world.

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Finally!

It’s the day before Thanksgiving! Finally. I felt as if every day this week was testing more of my patience, but at last — the end is near. I don’t think I slept much, but that’s to be expected when you’re constantly hammered with work. Note to self: catch up on some Zs. I’ll have a four day weekend all to myself to unwind and relax — which is just what I needed. Safe to say I can finally breathe a sigh of relief. I’m excited to pay everyone a visit tomorrow.

I’ll be skipping the bullshit Black Friday and Cyber Monday sales. Honestly, I don’t need to buy a single thing. My co-workers have been constantly talking about every new deal they hear, which is nice and all, but if you’re buying something just because it’s on sale, you didn’t need it in the first place.

Thanksgiving values and traditions are incompatible with the materialistic and madness that surrounds the holiday shopping season. Call me crazy, but why should we focus so much on buying ourselves gifts? Don’t we get bored of them once they’re ours? Why divert so much attention away from spending time with people you care about?

Later world.

 

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Friends Know Best

My core group of friends mean well. We all have our own personalities that make us unique. We’ve known each other for so long they’re family in my eyes. Some say your blood family is where it really matters, but I would argue mines hasn’t live up to the title. What good does blood do if you’re losing out on life with them. I’ve gotten into heated arguments with a majority of my family over the years and it hasn’t gotten much better no matter how hard I tried to make amends. If you have to try to like them, there likely is a bigger problem on your hands. They are terrible people and not worth your time.

Liking and loving someone comes naturally. Like the seasons that change every quarter or the small amounts of rain Los Angeles drizzles occasionally, mother nature runs its course without your control. I knew for a while now that my friends, even though we won’t agree on every topic or issue, they are truly looking out for me. I’ve felt I have let them down numerous times before through my sheer drunken stupor or rage induced nights. Yet, in the end, all is forgiven. They’ve been been part of my life for so long, I honestly could not see them not being there with me when we’re old, wrinkly, and have kids.

My kid is going to have some very interesting uncles to look up to. Until that day comes, I’d go to the ends of the Earth for each one of them. I’d catch them when they fall because I know they’d do the same for me.

Life is less scary knowing I always have them around.