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Crisis Time: COVID-19

2020 is roaring and when I mean that, its wrath has my stock portfolio losing as much as 30%. By my count, at one point, I was at a loss of nearly ten thousand fucking dollars. To put it in perspective, the past two weeks has completely erased all gains since 2016. That is incredible. Waking up to everything in red is almost amusing after the second week of straight losses.

So everyone has been asking me am I worried? Not really. This is panic selling and eventually everything recovers — however long that may take. We had a meeting at work today to break to everyone the bad news. We’re cutting staff and anyone who’s fortunate has to work from home until further notice. This fucking blows.

I’m so bothered by the fact some of my coworkers have kids to take care of and it’s come to this. Many are going to be on unemployment and will have a hard time getting by. What has the world come to? I know this is going to keep me up at night and it shouldn’t. It’s out of anyone’s control and the circumstances surrounding this viral outbreak are unfathomable.

As I sit here constantly wondering how the hell I’m going to get in my usual work mode while painfully stuck at home, I hope and pray this is only temporary. I’m fine as usual, but knowing everyone isn’t pains me to no bounds.

Later world.

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Fight Me: Part Whatever

It’s raining all week — which is something I’m quite fond of. Ever since I was a kid, the sounds of water drops and the chill that a rainy day brings has always caught my full attention. Sleeping when you’re able to hear the rain is just the best. I fucking love it.

Now if I can be less optimistic, here’s how everything is going very wrong this week. The economy is officially in a full blown recession and stocks are in a bear market. I’m down more than 20%, which sounds comical after you finally have the courage to see how much value you’ve lost in the past week. I’m fucked, but I kind of expected this to happen. I’m lucky I liquidated 1/3rd of my portfolio a month earlier, but it still stings a lot.

You know what’s the worst part about me? I’m fairly clumsy when I’m completely distracted. My attention was shifted away just for a second and enough to make me slip in the rain. My phone flew out of my hand and handed on the concrete. It was destroyed. I could be mad, but that honestly wouldn’t do me shit. It’s a phone that’s just become a very useless paper weight. I could order the part to fix the damage, but time needed to learn how to fix it and waiting on the part to arrive isn’t going to be quick or easy. Most repair places only fix iPhones. So fuck it then. I drove my ass over to the Apple store and picked up a new iPhone.

Seriously. Please don’t fight gravity until I get a case for it. I think this is one of those times where I tell myself it’s just a phone and that shit can be replaced. After all, it doesn’t have any sentimental value so just move on and don’t let that accident keep you down.

Can it just be Friday already? Later world.

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The Exit Path

Quite honestly, not everything goes according to plan. But I’m fine with that. Learning to roll with the punches or in my case, a fucking concussion, is all a part of life. My once golden vantage career path has suddenly turned dark and uncertain. Call it bad luck or the sad state of foreign affairs the economy has been enthralled in. Either way, I need plan B.

If you were to ask me what the hell I would be doing for work right out of college, I’d honestly say some dead ass job that barely paid the bills. That wasn’t me being unoptimistic — more so realistic considering I was up to my neck in debt and hopelessly inebriated 24/7. Now that I’m passed that mindset, having other options available when work goes south seems like a constant battle.

In the time I’ve been trying to improve, I’ve come to realize just how swift and sudden you can end up hating the usual 9-5. Some employers use that to their advantage, actually. How fucked up. Hasn’t everyone woke up not wanting to enter the office and dreading the day’s events? Mondays no less. You don’t want to be there and yet you have no choice because of bills and whatever debt life has it’s grasp on your throat.

This entire fucking week, I felt like I was suffocating. How tragic and unsettling. Thankfully, I’m feeling much better now. Sometimes, or a lot of the times, the door isn’t open for you. You have to kick it down and walk right in like you’re wanted and expected. So what if this feels like a set back. I’m just taking it all in and hopefully able to self-reflect in the not so distant future.

This week ended on a high note. A welcomed one at that. Later world. Daniel, out.

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Unexpected (Terrifying)

One thing I’ve had difficulty coming to terms with is you can’t stop people from coming and going. Eventually, everyone you know and love will meet the same fate. Those pearly gates above and the light on top sounds the best most confronting conclusion to ones life — however extraordinary. What a crazy thing to believe. Yet, in times of destress, it allures everyone. My grandma is not well — not the least bit and while we may have some of the best doctors assisting her in the battle against cancer, I’m scared — terrified as she is.

I’ve had too many thoughts in my mind the past couple days. Questions to myself and motives mainly. Did I see her enough? Was I the model grandson? How well will the surgery go? Why me? And most frequently, “Why us?” In the moments my aunt told me the prognosis, I felt every heart string pulled at full tension. Disbelief as I utter to her, “Are you serious?” As quickly as surprise and disbelief came, my grief came faster and with heavy emotions.

I teared up. My aunt could see my face turn pale. The words from her stung like that of the never ending torn in an otherwise field of roses. Time became still. I could not hold back and so I walked away and into the backyard. I cried so hard as the tears cascaded down more and more. I did not take the news very well to say the least. To love is not just to say the four letter word. How much grief you have says a thousand more.

We are all hurting and with heavy heart. This is it.

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02/14/2020

My beloved Grandma has cancer. Words cannot describe how devastated I feel — so I won’t. Fuck today.

My light has never burned so dim.

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To My Baby Sister

I went car buying with my baby sister last night. There was a near perfect Volkswagen Golf GTI Autobahn that was certified pre-owned. I found out hours earlier my insurance company is paying out more than what my car is worth and I get to pocket the rest. The dealership is also refunding me the extended warranty plan and maintenance package I bought at the time of purchase. That can be put towards this new car. All together, I’m looking at nearly $6000 back in my hands. Pretty sweet if you ask me.

It’s weird how life can fuck you up with a concussion, but quickly discover there’s a glimmer of good news just waiting for you. What’s that phrase again? Life, you son of a bitch. After all this, I’m just hoping to get my memory back to normal. I feel like I’m only 80% there right now, with the missing portion rest and plenty of relaxation.

My friend always says, “Shit happens”. Which is definitely true, but instead of having it bring you down to the depths of despair, find a new avenue to approach it. I spent all day figuring out my options, calling my insurance company, checking dealerships, and more importantly — moving quickly to make a bad situation better. You can say I went against my doctor’s orders to stay put and relax, but that’s up for debate another day.

With the perfect (a bit 2nd) car picked out and an agreement to sell it only to me, I walked out happy as a bear with honey. My sis drove that night so we had a long drive back together. It’s not usually we get to be alone like this so I took a deep breath and told her my lingering thoughts.

I assured her there was absolutely no alcohol or drugs involved in my accident and everything I’ve told her has been the complete truth. I said I loved her and my brother more than I let on and while I was hurt, I’ll be fine and I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.

I confessed again to her my long-standing problems with depression, anxiety, and alcohol use. I know it troubles her to see me like this, like that, so I said I was sorry. From bottom of my heart I am. I can say I don’t always have the best habits or set the best example for my siblings and for that, I hope they forgive me for my misgivings and behavior. I said to her I was lucky to walk away from the accident and reassured her I would make some lifestyle changes.

She was on the verge of crying.

Later world. Daniel’s still here, alive, but just slightly bruised. Nice try.

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The Aftermath

It’s the second day after my horrific accident. I honestly cannot remember what happened that night or the day after that well. Amnesia is scary and only gets worse the harder you think out all the events into place.

For whatever dumbass reason, I forgot to bring my phone with me that night. I guess I thought a quick trip to the store would be no big deal, right? I always avoid the busier streets anyway and opted for the smaller hidden ones. This however, would cause the accident that completely left me knocked out unconscious. I don’t remember the impact, only waking up to police asking if I was okay. I very much wasn’t. My car hit a deep pothole and had me colliding with the tree, sidewalk and a parked car. The air bag deployed which helped to keep my face relatively injury-free. I do have a bruise on my forehead to the right of me and my chin feels like it’s about to crumble, but I walked away from this — almost unscathed. My hips hurt but I don’t think anything is misaligned.

Who called 911 if I didn’t have my phone on me? My car did. It sensed the collision and rang up emergency services without my intervention. Technology came to my rescue and my God I’m thankful to be alive. I’d probably never buy a different brand car ever again. My life was spared. I’m taking tomorrow off just to keep my mind from getting too stressed.

Is it weird that is what it takes for me to have a few days off? Yeah, I’ll admit it’s highly unique and circumstantial. I needed this and tomorrow is a other beautiful day ready for the taking. I already have another car planned for purchase. I hit rock bottom — in the literal wheel hitting gravel sense, but things are already looking up. To tomorrow and many more to come.

Later world. I’m alive.

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It Was Nice While It Lasted

What do you get when you have shitty roads and car with low profile tires: a totalled vehicle. The car I bought less than 2 months ago crashed violently into the curb, a tree and a parked car in front.

Fuck me right? It’s gonna be a total loss and now I have to go about buying another. Good grief. Can everything stop fucking with me ready?

I had a mild concussion and am still recovering. That’s what happens when your head smashed into a steering wheel. I’m uncharacteristically stuttering a lot with each sentence but I’ll have a doctor check me up for anything serious. Fuck this shit.

Later world.

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Just My Luck (Or Not)

As fate would have it, the sun roof of my car leaks — badly. It rained cats and dogs here recently and I was greeted with a large puddle of water in the center console. Absolutely not fucking okay. I proceeded to take my beloved less than month old car back to the dealership to get this fixed. What I thought was an easy fix turns out is something much more serious.

They have to replace the entire sun roof and then some. Motherfucker. Are you kidding me? What bad luck. Worst part is it’s going to take up to week to repair. To be fair everyone, especially the service manager, was extremely apologetic about the whole ordeal. I’m not even that upset about it right now.

I was given a brand new 2020 Jetta as a loaner which is more suited for a suburban dad ready to pick up the kids from soccer and ballet practice. It’s not my style, but at least I have a car to get me from point A to B without much difficulty. The car is big, slow, but my God is the gas mileage amazing. I’ve driven it a hundred or so miles and the needle barely moved. I’m impressed.

This week has been interesting. It’s not all bad though. I got to see everyone for Thanksgiving, spent some well deserved quality time with my Grandma and cousins, and it’s been pretty relaxing. In the end, this is another minor inconvenience in an otherwise great week.

December is finally here. Fight me. Later world.

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When Life Brings You Down

Evidently, today was terrible. We have one annoying ass co-worker who likes to make their presence known — a commotion if you will. My thoughts are usually this: loudest one in the room is secretly the most insecure. I can’t be be the only person in the office who thinks this way. As busy as we all were frantically trying to get through this week, some people just a cause problem merely by existing. How exhausting.

I’m usually one to not cause a scene. My line of work is centered around my shiny MacBook and a pile of disorganized papers, printouts, and spreadsheets. It’s a chaos I find myself in everyday mixed in with the yawns of an early 8 AM arrival. For everyone else, we open at 9. Fuck me for being such an overachiever. I’m busy. Shut the fuck up.

Office work for me is much a realm of escapism. There’s a certain rush I get seeing sales come in. Downplaying my significance, it’s a game of numbers and I like it. Much like my stock portfolio I find myself checking through out the day, when the money comes in, it signals things are going well. I can’t say everything is perfect, but it’s a slow climb up to the top. I’m eagerly awaiting to launch our sister brand and really start to bring in the numbers. As they say, patience is a virtue.

If there’s any silver lining, I know today is just another in a long line of other terrible days. They’re dominos that topple over each other. The anticipation grows after the next until finally the last one falls.

The end is coming and soon my work will pay off. Later world.