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Lessons in Addiction

One of my greatest pet peeves is being around others who are unable to help themselves. I can tolerate drunken behavior, the occasional puff of a cigarette, or the lingering smell of marijuana, but when someone I know or call a friend snorts the illicit white substance, I’m enraged and disappointed. The dangers of regular cocaine use is well documented and the risks alone should sway any temptations, but it doesn’t. If you’re addicted however, you’ll doomed to an early grave. I can’t help you and better off shouldn’t make it my concern. Actions have consequences and some lessons are best learned the hard way.

The most unbelievable part of users of cocaine is how they can bullshit and lie about having it under control.

“It’s just a little bit.” “I can stop whenever I want.” “It’s not a problem.”

In retrospect, hearing how they can’t sleep, are constantly depressed, or have their life in shambles were all ill effects of the drugs taking its toll on their life. As someone who has to hear this weekly, if you want to throw it all away to escape reality, it’s your choosing and no one should be there to tell you otherwise. Stay broke, have not the energy to get up in the morning, but do not complain to others. Their life is not your concern, nor your problem.

Life and living isn’t easy, but escaping to a life of artificial highs and the depths of the lowest lows isn’t the answer.

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Looking Back at the Decade

I find it hard to believe 2010 was almost ten years ago. Where did all the time go and so suddenly? I feel these past ten years were some of the most turbulent but important years of my life. Wild, but sobering. Drunk and sedated. Lonely but smiling. Laughing but resentful. These states make no sense, but how do you summarize ten years into a few short paragraphs?

It would be the first year I’d live my life without my Grandpa. He was taken from me, from us, from her, and the shock was hard and pain. Suffering felt immediate and my world was overcome with grief. My grandparents were a pair and without the other, my Grandma became angry at the world. She did not hold back and neither did I. How the most beloved person you hold so dear to you could be the first to go is something I had a hard time comprehending. Words cannot express the loss felt of missing someone closest to you.

Anger left me different — resentful to say the least. I gave up knowing I felt on my own and lonely. No words of guidance or assurance was seen or heard from anyone. I wandered and went nowhere. I dropped out of college and spent all my time getting drunk and went to every party that landed on my news feed. It was fun for a while, why wouldn’t it? It kept my mind preoccupied and sedated. Thoughts became none and I loved it — for now.

Going back to school was immensely difficult. I already knew I was behind and classes felt immensely difficult. They were. I had no idea how to resume life and did everything I possibly thought would help stuff sections of information in my brain. I was riddled with anxiety and every failing mark on a paper or exam hurt.

It would be the very first time I felt I wanted to leave this world early and by my own hands. Anyone who has these thoughts should honestly not let them linger and boil over. It’s poison in the mind that slowly makes you want to act on your thoughts. I pray no one does if you’re reading this.

As difficult as school was, once I figured out how to study again, classwork became routine. The resentment inside me never left, but at least my grades improved drastically. My first few serious relationships we’re all during the first half of the decade and my God did I love them all.

Love returned, but not without consequence. We dated, hanged out, met this person and that person, and shared every inconceivable secret with each other. Every woman was unique and different. There were sweet, but subtle quirks with each one of them. Makes me smile even now to think back at it all.

I found out you should not love someone if you do not love yourself. A bit the hard way. The first relationship went and came quickly. Too fast and too soon. I lashed out at her with all the fury one man could for being so deep in pain. I’m sorry. But I never told her that. She was a doll, but I was a monster undeserving of her. Lesson learned? Maybe not.

Dating itself could be its own chapter riddled with notes and annotations left pilled up high. Not everyone is sincere and as fun as it is to do dinner and movie, sometimes it just won’t work out no matter how positive the outlook seems. The very person smiling in front of me could have other motives and while as awful as it is to think back, I needed that. Don’t be so naive or feel the need to have to be with someone. Remain honest even if they aren’t. You quickly we through the mask and bullshit.

I had this all too close relationship with alcohol. Did anyone suspect a problem? Hell no. College years, I was just seen as the socialble one. At home alone, I down 40 after 40 and felt the warm bliss of blacking out and not knowing what day it was in the morning. I have a spreadsheet of all the times I went and bought alcohol or any other illicit substance from the first half of the decade saved on my computer. Let’s just say I squandered away thousands. Ouch.

I would say my night time habits didn’t catch up to me until 2015. But once it did, it hit my body hard. I felt slow, my body ached, and my chest was constantly pounding. I chalked that up to anxiety, but honestly, I was full of shit. I knew what was happening and I came up with excuses to not stop. I’m still working on this, but I’ll freely admit it’s gotten so much better with time.

Working in the real world was interesting to say the least. I’ve only had office jobs and many came and went. I’ve had places and co-workers I wish would burn to the ground of have an anvil fall on them, but that’s beside the point. Find a job or career was challenging, but definitely not as bad as everything else I’ve touched on. If you don’t like where your at, just quit. Have a buffer or safety net in place to keep you going until the next one and keep trying. It’ll be scary, unknown, but worth getting yourself out of an unwanted environment. You work to make money, and if the money doesn’t justify staying there, leave.

I’m thankful life the last couple years have been great and much progress has been made. Goals have been reached and I’m no longer that awful person I once became trapped in. I tell no lies and remain sincere, even of it makes me look bad. I think that’s honestly all I want from all my friends or people I’ve seen — sincerity is paramount. I’ve come to realize that it’s not able making yourself look good and hiding all you flaws, but about being your whole self. I’m an unfinished work in progress and I make no claims to be perfect any time soon.

This year has been one of the best yet. I was with someone seriously for once. We hit it off and I enjoyed our time together. No it didn’t last but I was honest about what I wanted out of it or where I saw us going. Work got in the way, but I gave her a heads up. After some months, we stopped. It was for the best and would have been fair to autopilot this relationship with her. Bad timing? Maybe. Was it a fun time? Most definitely.

I don’t know what the next ten years hold, but anyone reading this, I hope you keep moving forward. The trajectory is unknown, but I hope nothing stops you from the journey of life. It’s hard, it’s painful, it’s loving and addicting. Best thing I ever did was want to wake up for tomorrow. There is only half a month left and I’m hopeful as ever. Later world. You have been one hell of a wild ride. I love it.

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Creeping Up

You fear less about wanting to do something when you remind yourself of your morality. A drink here. A line here. A pill or two there. It’s easy to swallow for the bliss all the vices the world brings. It’s a battle against yourself, your mind, and the feelings of temptation.

Life’s not all pleasure seeking. Some days you fall. The false invincibility substances and sweet lady courage brings is met with danger. You tend to get lucky. Like most addictions, it’s fun in the beginning. Slowly, the light begins to fade. You’re met at the abyss. Look into the mirror and you may see someone unfamiliar. It’s interesting how you can lose control of your own body.

The mercy of the world is right in front of you. Somehow, telling yourself no is one of the hardest decisions there is to make.

Fight me.

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Death is Lurking

When my friend and I meet up, I see him do many things that would raise an eyebrow. Seems like drugs are always on the agenda. A cigarette here, a line here, and a beer or three there. I’m amazed he can do this every week actually. He’s been complaining about being broke all week and it finally hit me where it all goes.

I personally don’t consider any of his activities fun or something I would like to partake in. I call this self-harm masked over with the warm high illegal narcotics brings. It’s false hope for those who have a less than optimistic view of the world.

I may just sit and watch it consume him. There’s only so much I can do after the bazillionth talk I’ve had with him. Death is lurking, but he knows it too.

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Until You Self-Destruct 1/19/2019

The level of self-destructive behavior I see in people alarms me. I think at one point, we have all tried to drown out our sorrows with alcohol — which I consider to be fairly mild. However, hard drugs is what I have a problem with. Considering most bad moments in life are just temporary, subjecting yourself to several months or years of drug abuse seems like a bad deal — one of the worst there is.

Last night, I went to the club with the guys. Normally, I would say no, but after some insistence, I said fuck it — why not. It was a long week. I would in all honesty admit that going clubbing and going to shows was more fun back in college — not so much now. Back then, I always went with a large group of friends, predominantly female. Shit was fun getting drunk and dancing the night away in some alcohol-fueled bender. Of course it is and would be. Study hard, but party twice as hard. I have too many fond memories of this. Even after finishing college, I did it weekly for other year and a half before I came to my senses and gave it up. Real-world hit and I was left wondering how old is too old for this shit.

I have nothing against clubbing, the party scene, or EDM. It’s an acquired taste and lifestyle. My beef is when it’s used as an excuse to do lines of coke and pop molly. I’ll be real. My friends do this shit a lot and all the fucking time. Molly or ecstasy is the drug of choice for all millennials who like to have a good time. I can’t name a single person I know from college or now who hasn’t at least tried that shit at least once. Who wouldn’t. Pop one and you feel amazing. It’s attractive.

I suppose I always knew my best friend participated in these activities every week without telling us. His behaviors are erratic, mood swings on a dime, and he looks like shit most weekends. He’s a maniac depressive masked over with drinking, drugs, and partying. But he’s a big boy and I’m not here to save him from the path he’s gone way far too down. My job isn’t here to save anyone.

I used to believe that if you had caring friends who were looking out for you, you would almost be almost immune to self-harm. How naive. Only now do I realize even if your friends tell you you’re fucking up, it’s really up to you to decide if you want to listen. Not everyone does and most people are terrible listeners. What separates me from everyone else is I listen and follow advice to a T. I consider myself fortunate for that reason.

I’m almost for a lost of words to describe how it could get this bad for my best friend. Several likes of coke, a few pills of molly, and somehow this is what he considers a fun night. You do you, but next time, I’ll pass. I want nothing to do with that shit.

Later world.