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Did I Do Enough?

With the year almost over, I can’t help but wonder if I did enough this year. Was there more to be done? Did I work hard enough? Did I say everything that needed to be said? Quite honestly, this whole month feels like a huge blur. Everything is back to normal I feel like. My memory is not exactly what I was prior, but hopefully that improves over time.

I got another car — arguably newer and much faster. To be fair, that’s all they had for sale for a used CPO vehicle so my hands were tied. I can just feel the cold weather making me feel slow and lazy. I’ve been trying to finish this Excel file for a few weeks now, but it’s only about half complete. Good grief.

It’s been another great year. Aside from this month throwing me a curve ball, I welcomed every date, accomplishment, goal, and sudden down turn. The pay raise helps too, but honestly, the money isn’t going to make everything perfect any time soon.

At least on paper, I’m up from last year, both career wise and financially. I can safely say I have the least amount of debt in 4 years, which is a huge sigh of relief. Next year, I can say goodbye to all my debt and hopefully find my own place to move into. I’m sure my friends will hate it regardless, but that wouldn’t stop me just yet.

Is there more to be done? Of course. Can I complain about the year having had most of it fly by in an instant? No way. Don’t complain if you can’t find ways to fix it. What’s done is done and it’s best I accept all the events that happened up to now.

I loved, I missed, I adored, and I failed. To everyone I dated, I wished it all could have turned out better. To everyone I saw, I wish it could have been longer. To all the failures I faced, I only wish it won’t repeat. If the sun rises tomorrow, I’ll find more reasons to press on forward towards the imaginary finish line. Except it’s not a race.

2020, I’m racing against only myself. Running from the past yet racing towards the future. It’s gonna be a lonely run, but most goals accomplished on your own are the ones that are most satisfying. I’m not looking for praise or help from anyone. See me for who I am or what I want to be. Just another ant in the glass dome marching on.

Later world.

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SOS Help Me

I found out today by the ever so lovely company account I have a huge tax problem upcoming. In all honesty, we, meaning me, should have consulted someone before transferring an entire fucking company to my name, but ignorance is bliss (almost). Worst case scenario, I get a letter in the mail from the IRS. She assured me this is fixable and my God, I hope so too.

I’ve been driving this stupidly slow and Dad-vibes Jetta for the better part of tbe week and it’s somewhat grown on me. That eco button on the center console is no joke. Literally don’t have to fill up much to get from point A to B. Supposedly I get my much preferred and fixed Golf GTI back tomorrow and I’m really hoping that’s true. No one kill my vibe, okay?

Am I tired, weak, and riddled with insomnia? Yes, all of the above. I think the shining light out of all these issues is my co-workers have been pretty supportive of my new business venture and have nothing but encouraging.

I was designing a website today and noticed all the missing pages and sections are much like life. It’s all a work in progress. You fill in all the pieces and images eventually, but you’re never quite satisfied later on. Anyone content is just not seeing the improvements to be made or their full potential. What a beautiful, yet geeky way to preoccupy my mind about life.

Also, everyone this time of the year keeps asking who the hell I’m seeing now or what happened to this person or that. Is it really my obligation to tell them my personal dating life and who I’m seeing — seriously or not? Typical office gossip bullshit, but really — I’m not going to be engaged any time soon. Why the urgency and rush all of a sudden?

I’m fucking 28 going on thirty. Make about 40% more than the median household income in my town, and have not the slightest idea why I’m not content yet. Talk to my expensive therapist, my ultra highly rated physician, my dermatologist, or some other shrink I see every few months and maybe they’ll have some idea how to fix me.

Work isn’t great but it keeps me busy and my mind away from these types of thoughts. I did a good deed this month and bought my baby sis and brand new MacBook for her birthday without even questioning that decision. Shit. I remember buying some piece of shit barely functional laptop with a measly 2 hour battery life back when I decided to go back to college and get my life together. I think I’ve come a long way and as some say, the journey continues. Stay humble, keep moving forward, and keep the past away from seeing the future.

2020 — I’m optimistic yet terrified for my own self. How amusing and strangely contradictory.

Later world.

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When the World Fights Back

November 23, 2019: What the Fuck?

Can it be Thanksgiving already? My day is off to a bad start and I’m annoyed I have to yet again work over the weekend. It feels like this is all I know and do this time of the year. My body feels like it’s running on empty and the lingering thought of running the new business doesn’t help. There’s so much setup involved — I wish I could have an assistant now. Seriously — have someone help me answer emails, pickup my second line, and enter data in spreadsheets. I can’t complain, yet — truly. I was given a double digit percentage raise and from my knowledge, none of my co-workers were given the same welcoming holiday treatment. One of them was joking how I can’t take any vacation days because from his perspective, “I’m indispensable here every single day”. Every… fucking… single… day. As funny as we made it seem, it hurts to know I might never get to use the almost months worth of vacation I’ve accrued since I’ve worked at my current job.

In other news, the internet here at my favorite coffee shop sucks today and I can’t for the life of me get my project dashboard to load. It’s like I’m back on the Internet in the early 2000s. Slow as molasses and web pages load in blocks as if it’s dial-up. Maybe this is a sign from above or some other worldly power that I need to take a chill pill. Just, relax and do nothing today. I more or less am my own department — which has a lot of advantages and perks. I’m practically never told what to do and have no real hard deadlines. It’s an interesting position I’ve been put in. So why do I feel so stressed? That I’ll never know. Perhaps setting my own aggressive deadlines is working against me. But is it? I’m only headed up and this month overall has been fantastic.

I got a new car, Apple replaced my entire computer for free passed warranty, and I finally treated myself to something nice I’ve been wanting. I feel neither sad or happy — just content. Honestly, come at me harder world. November is still my favorite month. I’ve gotten this far and I’ve checked off all of my goals and then some. What’s next? I’m eagerly waiting to find out. Danny, out.

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Phase 2

I’m being hired my own secretary, which honestly sounds exciting. Someone who will take calls and help out with the piles of forms and bills that will likely get sent my way. A receptionist essentially. I’m running my own business and there’s a ton of setup involved. Contracts, negotiations, insurance liabilities — it’s an endless mess of chaos beginning a business. The workload doesn’t scary me, the thought of it not meeting my own set of goals does.

I’m in uncharted territory for the first time in forever and while the doors are all open, that feeling of things possibly going very wrong is a possibility — however small it may seem. It will be the first time where I won’t have anyone telling me what to do and when. It all falls on me. You can say there’s some pressure involved, but tell me something that isn’t new.

During my meeting today, everyone has high expectations and you know what? I’m ready for anything coming. I’ll probably like this freedom bestowed upon me. I’m up and it’s about time.

Now to find a receptionist.

Later world.

 

 

 

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This is My Best Month

I’ve always been very fond of November. It’s my birth month and it includes Black Friday and Thanksgiving. Not to mention being able to see my family all in one place. This year, I’ve out done myself. My new car is all that I could have imagined and more. Sales are way the fuck up and I feel I’ve really gotten a lot done this week. Everyone including myself is impressed. What a wonderful feeling and I sincerely hope it lasts for a while.

If there’s anything I wish is that there’s more to be accomplished and with a stronger focus. It’s easy to fall back on old habits and have yourself be another potato. I can’t stand the thought of just sitting around and doing nothing. Which honestly is both good and bad. Good in that you’re keeping yourself productive, but bad in that you’re never letting yourself rest.

It’s almost the end of the year and I’m only worried I don’t have time to do more for myself. Later world.

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I Did It

Two days ago, I went and bought myself a new car. It’s a certified pre-owned vehicle but it looks like it just came out of the factory. It has awesome leather seats, an amazing sound system, and a cool moon roof that opens completely for the nicest views of the night.

I dig it. Ever have those feelings of wanting something and living up to expectations once you get it? This is exactly it. That sweet feeling of working towards a big goal and following through to it. I guess you can say it’s one of my best traits. I mean what I say and will do it — always. A man is only as good as his word after all.

I feel blessed and grateful this came to fruition. To be frank, I had the hardest time finding a job and sticking to it during the post college years. My friends gave me a hard time for bailing frequently, but I did what I thought was best and those jobs got me nowhere. Fast forward to today where my life feels like a complete makeover and then some.

I do miss my old two-seater convertible. I had it for two sweet years and numerous strangers stopped me in parking lots to give complements on how well kept it looked. I think all the dates I’ve gone on in my old car makes it the most memorable. I literally felt on top of the world, invincible, and the world was in my hands. The car was armour for the body and soul. For that, I gained a bit more self-confidence and a positive outlook on life.

This is my third car in slightly less than 5 years. I’m doing something right. Thanks, world. I’m amazed yet again.