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Life Catches Up: An Introspective

It’s been a very traumatic month to say the least. It’s weird. Earlier I felt the winter blues slowly overcoming me and felt once again powerless to stop it. Seems my body needs the sunshine to maintain a proper mood.

My head injury doesn’t seem to be a bother anymore. I had this habit after the initial first couple days to replace H with Bs when I wrote. That honestly terrified me. I had a CAT scan, blood work and the whole nine yards of tests conducted and all came back normal. Now I’m glad I opted to get the maximum health insurance coverage offered by my job. Money well spent for the level of care I received indeed.

I can safely say I could put my entire car accident behind me now. My friends and co-workers have been telling me to not think to much about it or watch the video saved on my dash cam. I’ll take their advice. Worst thing I can do is cause more anxiety after being too curious. What’s that saying? Curiosity killed the cat.

Life catches up to you. Same days I felt literally untouchable and invincible. Now, I know I was very wrong and naive. I’m quite vulnerable and my ability to walk away from the crash all but says I’m very lucky and fortunate. The winter blues have left now. Seems I have a new perspective on life, living, and the sometimes chaotic journey I have myself wrapped in. So many friends reached out to ask if I was alright. I feel forever thankful so many care about me.

It’s the theme this month isn’t it? I already bought a new car and am just waiting for the phone call to go pick it up from the dealership. I got it for a steal and all things considered leading up to now, I’ve been told by my best friends not many people have the ability to find themselves in a new car so soon.

I couldn’t have imagined this month to be so wild and quite frankly, how could I? I’ve always thought myself to be a optimist and searching for the silver lining is more important than dwelling on all the negatives. Life — it happens. I’m just here taking it all in and hoping to find myself in a better place than the year before. Everyday is unpredictable, but that’s what makes it worth pursuing.

By some clever accounting, I actually made a lot of money from this entire ordeal. What a crazy miracle. Even when life takes a hit to my head and suffering a mild concussion, I end up in the winner’s side — so to speak. I’ve never felt so alive or financially secure. I’ll take that as the invisible armor I have protecting me at all times.

I didn’t want to go just yet. I’m not done and perhaps may never will be. The pursuit of life is still in full force and with greater intensity. My spiritual side would say I’m protected and guided by angels and past love ones. This could have been much worse and walking away from the wreck speaks volumes.

I recall forcing my door open, walking up to the front of my car, and inspecting the damage. I very nonchalantly asked the officer for a ride home, which only seemed to puzzle and confuse him. Everything else after is all dark and not saved in my memories. That I’m fine with. I don’t need to know everything or figure out the missing few hours from that night. Knowing all the events isn’t important. Knowing I’m well, alive, and safe is.

2020 is right around the corner. I’ve said this countless times, but the only direction life can take me is up — onwards, yet forward. You live to learn, to experience, to feel, to love, and to care. I’m unstoppable and will never be static. That I’m sure of.

Later world.

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To My Baby Sister

I went car buying with my baby sister last night. There was a near perfect Volkswagen Golf GTI Autobahn that was certified pre-owned. I found out hours earlier my insurance company is paying out more than what my car is worth and I get to pocket the rest. The dealership is also refunding me the extended warranty plan and maintenance package I bought at the time of purchase. That can be put towards this new car. All together, I’m looking at nearly $6000 back in my hands. Pretty sweet if you ask me.

It’s weird how life can fuck you up with a concussion, but quickly discover there’s a glimmer of good news just waiting for you. What’s that phrase again? Life, you son of a bitch. After all this, I’m just hoping to get my memory back to normal. I feel like I’m only 80% there right now, with the missing portion rest and plenty of relaxation.

My friend always says, “Shit happens”. Which is definitely true, but instead of having it bring you down to the depths of despair, find a new avenue to approach it. I spent all day figuring out my options, calling my insurance company, checking dealerships, and more importantly — moving quickly to make a bad situation better. You can say I went against my doctor’s orders to stay put and relax, but that’s up for debate another day.

With the perfect (a bit 2nd) car picked out and an agreement to sell it only to me, I walked out happy as a bear with honey. My sis drove that night so we had a long drive back together. It’s not usually we get to be alone like this so I took a deep breath and told her my lingering thoughts.

I assured her there was absolutely no alcohol or drugs involved in my accident and everything I’ve told her has been the complete truth. I said I loved her and my brother more than I let on and while I was hurt, I’ll be fine and I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.

I confessed again to her my long-standing problems with depression, anxiety, and alcohol use. I know it troubles her to see me like this, like that, so I said I was sorry. From bottom of my heart I am. I can say I don’t always have the best habits or set the best example for my siblings and for that, I hope they forgive me for my misgivings and behavior. I said to her I was lucky to walk away from the accident and reassured her I would make some lifestyle changes.

She was on the verge of crying.

Later world. Daniel’s still here, alive, but just slightly bruised. Nice try.

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On Her Time

My beloved Grandma told me towards the end of last year, she doesn’t have much time left here. It crushed me. Moving me to tears in an instant. I stiffened up and told her with confidence that she would be around for a long time. My words said one thing, but the pain in hearing her voice the inevitable sent me to an existential crisis. She is central to my life and core, but she was right. She’s much older now and I’d be foolish to think she’d have all the time in the world.

She told me she was afraid and has been for many years. A two story house in the hills and yet she fears living alone. It bothers me. And it hasn’t left my mind since then. My Grandpa protected her for all those years they were together and somehow she’s now left to fend for herself against the outside world. It’s been ten years since he left us. Was she really like this all this time? She often tells me over the phone to not stay out so late — to not go to the bars or clubs. To watch my surroundings. I can take care of myself, but realizing the extent she feels she’s alone doesn’t sit well with me.

Growing old is terrifying. I wish I had more time, but you want what you can’t have. What am I without her? I have a difficult time letting go and hearing her voice the truth won’t make it any easier.

Life is a bitch.