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Water in the Glass

This year is either the worst ever or the best I’ve had depending on my perspective. It’s one of those glass half empty or half full situations many people like to think of. If I make a list of what didn’t go right, I have the following:

– COVID-19, economy shutdown, Black Lives Matter, riots, my Grandma being ill, and stocks took a hit.

Being a bit more optimistic, leaves me with this:

– life goes on, my business launched, I’m getting a bonus next month, my investments are up, I still have a job, and my Grandma got treated

This year is so polarizing and only a little more than half of it is gone already. It kind of makes me wonder if this is a test for my ability to persevere in times of crisis and uncertainty. Overall, I’ll have to take it for what it is and keep focused on myself. I recently lack the energy to even stay up past 11 PM without suddenly falling asleep. I’ve been telling myself the exhaustion comes from work, but I wouldn’t be surprised if my mind has been at full blast all this time.

Later world.

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3 MILLION DOLLARS

Retirement is in 35 years for me, which is a long time to consider. I found one of those retirement planning calculators online and it said I would need over 3 million dollars to retire comfortably. That’s a lot.

While seemingly impossible, it’s not. Save money like I always do and keep investing. I’ve had a lot of friends ask me about investing and more or less, they seemed mildly impressed. While some out there spend their time watching TV or whatever lame brain show is the new fad, I can’t stand it. To sit and do nothing is counter productive.

I don’t believe too many people consider their future as much as I do, but the end goal is live a long life without having to struggle to make ends meet. While I’m not old, this puts me in a position to set myself up for the future — one that includes owning a home, having assets and most importantly, a family. I’m always amazed at how little time people plan for life and act on impulse. Everyone wants it now and actively seek immediate gratification. It’s sad and a mistake.

Take the $1200 everyone got as a stimulus check. I still have all of it. My friends spent theirs. Nice? It’s rather foolish if you ask me. Free money that you didn’t plan on having at the beginning of this year shouldn’t be blown on some extravagant purchase. It’s one of my pet peeves with people my age — stupid spending and a lack of proper money management.

At the current rate, I’ll be worth six figures in the next couple years. It’s a far cry from how I was after college. I feel quite good about myself but I’m willing to bet a few closest to me are jealous. You can’t expect people in this economy to be envious. So be it. Everyone loves to criticize you when you’re down in the dumps but when you’re above them, suddenly they’re silent. It’s fucking pathetic.

I like working which is the crazy thing. I did 60 hours this week and finally launched my company as well. The satisfaction is high and there is no better feeling than having it all come together. My work ethic is one of my better qualities. Granted it doesn’t leave me much for a regular social life but if the end result is prosperity, I’ll buckle down and keep at it to make the dream a reality.

Life can be so open ended and somehow I condensed what I want into three main goals. There’s a charming simplicity to it. This year was one of the craziest there was and yet I’m all smiles and optimistic. I’m doing alright and my God, I like it.

Later world.

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My Company Launched!

In another string of good news this month, the company I’m running had our first official product launch. Nine months of hard grueling work finally paid off and I’m exited for this new venture. I have high hopes and this quite possibly will be my ticket to greater fortunes and a new lifestyle. That’s fancy talk for: I’m going to fucking make a lot of money.

Speaking of money, I applied for a SBA grant. After hearing a friend of mines who runs his own business was approved for a cool $10K, I said fuck it and went for it. Worst that can happen is I get a fraction of that, but honestly — free fucking money. You know the saying the rich get richer? I see it now. I’ve officially gone full circle. Free money is the best shit there is.

There feels like a lot of bragging here but I deserve it. Anyone who doesn’t like it, well, tough luck. Or better yet as my ex would say: that’s too bad. As much I want it feel the pain the rest of America is feeling with BLM, police brutality, or whatever the typical Millennial or Gen Z-er is fighting for on the left these days, their priorities are not my priorities.

I can 100% say that anyone who is down on their luck in life should have the capacity to dig themselves out of the hole. Because every action lead them into that predicament, they should be the ones who get themselves out.

I’m on a fucking roll. Later world.

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Midway 2020

Half of the year flew by. I’m a little surprised, a bit concerned, but life goes on. I haven’t preoccupied any of time with matters outside my own. I think it’s only the sane thing to do where there’s images and videos of civil unrest throughout the world.

Here’s where the year stands so far in my world:

– Exponentially increased the size of investments by a few hundred percent (up 20% overall). Amazon at $3K by end of the year.

– No debt! I have my car payment and insurance, but I can knock this out the way before years end if I wanted to.

– Plans to buy a house in Portland, Oregon. This is elaborate to say the least. Home prices in Portland can get me a 3 bedroom house for what a low priced condo costs here. I’ll buy the house and rent it out for income. This sounds doable, but logistically a nightmare.

– I helped out at least 5 people without any consideration for anything in return. I’m proud of this. I genuinely like it when friends come to me asking for help and I can do it. Feels good!

– Some friends far away smiled big and hard and I did that. Be me. Be kind.

Later world.

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Apartment Hunting

You would think the current state of affairs in the US would make me think twice about moving, but I’m fairly determined to follow through with my plans. Finding a suitable apartment is difficult — and that’s putting it mildly. My friends either just rent out a room for themselves or have been living together — all of which makes paying rent easier. I, however, want an apartment all to myself. I can’t say I want anything grand or opulent. I’ve largely condensed down my possessions to the essentials and free of any clutter. Small and cozy is the word.

My friends say I’m too picky, which is almost certainly true. I’ve had a list of things I deemed necessary saved onto my Amazon this year, mostly just furniture. I’m obsessive about esthetics and the way things look making this move exciting. How else would you make a home uniquely yours? I set myself a decent budget and everything from my perspective will go nicely together. I’m so fond of the mid-century modern look since I’ve got hooked on watching Mad Men, I have to have a similar style. Maybe not a mini bar however. I have several authentic prints hand signed by Andy Warhol I’ve been keeping in storage that I’ve been dying to put up on display. American values are materialistic, but I sometimes find myself caring too much about what I have and wanting more.

My criteria is limiting. Location must be close to other shops, quiet, walkable, and somewhere where the the crime isn’t an issue. I’ve been asked why not move somewhere in Downtown, but I really hate the traffic and constant unease a life in the city brings.

2020 feels like the entire world is burning to ashes, but it hasn’t stopped me yet. Life goes on and while everything around me is chaotic, it shouldn’t deter you from your goals. Let’s hope everyone feels the same way.

Later world.

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Crisis Time: COVID-19

2020 is roaring and when I mean that, its wrath has my stock portfolio losing as much as 30%. By my count, at one point, I was at a loss of nearly ten thousand fucking dollars. To put it in perspective, the past two weeks has completely erased all gains since 2016. That is incredible. Waking up to everything in red is almost amusing after the second week of straight losses.

So everyone has been asking me am I worried? Not really. This is panic selling and eventually everything recovers — however long that may take. We had a meeting at work today to break to everyone the bad news. We’re cutting staff and anyone who’s fortunate has to work from home until further notice. This fucking blows.

I’m so bothered by the fact some of my coworkers have kids to take care of and it’s come to this. Many are going to be on unemployment and will have a hard time getting by. What has the world come to? I know this is going to keep me up at night and it shouldn’t. It’s out of anyone’s control and the circumstances surrounding this viral outbreak are unfathomable.

As I sit here constantly wondering how the hell I’m going to get in my usual work mode while painfully stuck at home, I hope and pray this is only temporary. I’m fine as usual, but knowing everyone isn’t pains me to no bounds.

Later world.

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Everyone Disagrees

Today wasn’t the usual cluster fuck Mondays tend to rear it’s serpent head at you. My boss was unusually kind — figures he had some sense knocked into him the previous night. Magical. I know. A new challenge arose today. Everyone disagrees with me around a number of topics. I tend to overshare which leads to dissenting opinions thrown every way. Vulnerability at its finest.

The question tonight is, “If everyone says you’re wrong, are you?” Not necessarily. I find a lot of people jump into a conversation without much constructive criticism. Pick a fight here and there just for shits and giggles. I more than welcome a few off color back handed jokes at my expense. Everyone gets a much needed laugh in. Does it bother me? Normally, no.

Some days I can barely get a word in when the shots are getting fired in my direction. I don’t understand why to some, realizing I just don’t agree is possible. Everyone wants to be right, which says too much about their character and overly large egos. Last I remember, I’m the most college educated person in the office. Somehow, of they insist they are right, by virtue, they are.

Ha. I honestly need to shut the fuck up about my life some days. Not too many people care to divulge what is happening in their lives — however bland, boring, or disinterested it is. Not all aspects of life are fun and exciting, but if you tell me, I’ll listen. Keyword: intently.

I feel I’m at a crossroad at my life. March in forward where the comfort level is high but the feeling for self-fullfillment is low or opt for plan B into the great unknown. They say much if the furthest depths of the ocean has yet to be discover much less adventured. This is where I am. Propel my tiny ship above the waters into the horizon and fading dawn or down lower looking the treasures fallen below.

Isn’t the magic of living not knowing? That crazy journey of discovery only a temporal feeling? I’ve gotten so accustomed to my current lifestyle, I feel bored. This job is cushy, but unrewarding. Part of the problem is the eight plus hours I spend sitting at my desk staring aimlessly into the glow of my computer. The work is only mildly difficult, but my interactions with others are far and few. I talk so much and yet become so quiet when the bustle of ringing phones and keyboards clack away. It’s trance enducing and my God, I fucking hate it.

Funny thing is, every beginning of each new month, I write a few more goals I hope to reach. Break a habit here, learn a new fact there, but always strive for greatness. In the eyes of many, maybe they think I have it all together. That confidence that comes with never being without an answer or the possessions I own. Idolized I feel like I’ve becomed, yet the curtain falls slowly as the week goes by.

All that is new is exciting. The normal nine to five routine isn’t. I love all beginnings, yet the ending inches closer and I’m powerless to stop it. Maybe I ought to go out and see the world more. Travel until my money runs dry. See the world anew and move myself out of my comfort zone. I want a new perspective and yet my priorities never meet past, present, or future.

The sun rises every day and I hope and pray the shadow doesn’t eclipse me. Later world.

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The Moment

I wish our moment hadn’t gone,

Eyes teary and sad of the times we wronged,

Where haven’t we’ve gone?

A year troubled and torment of the ending song,

What stars do we wish upon?

Not the light above and the skies til dawn,

Like endless tales and the chapters once upon,

You couldn’t be wrong,

Left me so and the nights that haunt,

Let me go and never sung so long of the time that feels so long…

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Unexpected (Terrifying)

One thing I’ve had difficulty coming to terms with is you can’t stop people from coming and going. Eventually, everyone you know and love will meet the same fate. Those pearly gates above and the light on top sounds the best most confronting conclusion to ones life — however extraordinary. What a crazy thing to believe. Yet, in times of destress, it allures everyone. My grandma is not well — not the least bit and while we may have some of the best doctors assisting her in the battle against cancer, I’m scared — terrified as she is.

I’ve had too many thoughts in my mind the past couple days. Questions to myself and motives mainly. Did I see her enough? Was I the model grandson? How well will the surgery go? Why me? And most frequently, “Why us?” In the moments my aunt told me the prognosis, I felt every heart string pulled at full tension. Disbelief as I utter to her, “Are you serious?” As quickly as surprise and disbelief came, my grief came faster and with heavy emotions.

I teared up. My aunt could see my face turn pale. The words from her stung like that of the never ending torn in an otherwise field of roses. Time became still. I could not hold back and so I walked away and into the backyard. I cried so hard as the tears cascaded down more and more. I did not take the news very well to say the least. To love is not just to say the four letter word. How much grief you have says a thousand more.

We are all hurting and with heavy heart. This is it.

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02/14/2020

My beloved Grandma has cancer. Words cannot describe how devastated I feel — so I won’t. Fuck today.

My light has never burned so dim.