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My best friend the drug abuser

For quite some time and many years, I’ve seen the slow decline of my best friend. From earlier days of super market shoplifting shenanigans, his newly minted love for substances is worrisome. We all know he has issues. We can only say so much, but he will never listen or give it up.

He crashed and totalled his car that one night. Although his recollection of the events is fragmented, his cousin confessed he took a few pills. He conveniently left that part out when telling me.

He’s hopelessly addicted and there’s nothing I can fucking do to save him.

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Growing old and apart

My best friend Garza graduates next week. For the record, we finished high school in 2009. It’s been a long journey for him and I’m thankful to have seen him progress immensely. ELAC, Art Institute, PCC… Seems like he was everywhere all these years and had a handful of odd jobs. I’ve never been happier for him until this moment.

Not too long ago, our interests were very much alike and our hobbies aligned. From video games, shitty B comedy movies and a general desire to fuck shit up in Alhambra. We did it all side-by-side. We laughed, got in trouble, and were seemingly inseparable.

Even with that period where Julian and I had a falling out and could not stand the sight of each other, we moved forward and maintained our friendship stemming from the odd few who ride the bus together. I’ve grew to see them not just as friends but as brothers where I can confide my deepest darkest thoughts to.

Even as my own relationship with my family began to deteriorate, theirs embraced me and even when I was initially the trouble maker. I love their moms more than I can my own and I only have the deepest words of affection for their care towards me.

Garza graduates in one week. He is not staying in Alhambra. As a matter of fact, neither will I towards the end of this year. I can only hope and wish our friendship stays strong and we can have time to meet. We’re getting older and more apart and that’s the truth. Bit that’s the beauty of life I suppose. We all have to move forward with our goals and do what’s best for ourselves and can’t be tied down to the past. Nostalgia and memories long gone, we can only reminisce about the old days.

I’ll be sad when we’re all apart. Even so, it’s a strong reminder just how much I care for them and the strong brotherhood I thankful to be apart of.

2018. We got old. Grew apart. And moved forward.

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Sobering Reminders: Career in Sight

June 7, 2018 // mood: indifferent, but restless

Earlier the year, I swore off alcohol and soda, and til this day — about 6 months later — I’m keeping my new years resolution. The no soda part was just on whim, but the drinking was more serious. Maybe more than just health reasons. What amounted to a daily occurrence of bottles clacking now seems foreign to me. Amazingly, the few times I’ve been in a bar and surrounded by drinkers, I’ve managed to resist their attempts to occupy my hand with a beer and other illicit activities. I think my friends have been pleasantly shocked I’ve kept it up this long. Ironically, I opened bottles for a few people with a mini bottle opener on my key chain. I can thank Garza for that — better yet — it’s just another reminded how far I’ve come.

Paraphrasing Bert Cooper from Mad Men, “Stop smoking (Or was it drinking?) so much. It’s a sign of weakness.” In that regard, I suppose I’ve succeeded.

Almost 2 months ago, I started what maybe my future career at a newly opened company in Industry. Everyone is surprisingly nice and pleasant to be around and gives me 100% authority to do my job my way. Having a few hundred business cards printed with my directorial title and name cemented my career prospects for the future. The sales guy sticks out in my head usually as he is the guy who is so egregiously open his troubled past with the law.

A few stories I’ve heard so far:

  • that time he had crack in his mouth – Hiding it in a pocket? Get real.
  • gun to his head – As if the notion of a guy pointed in your direction wasn’t bad enough.
  • P.I.M.P. – Pimping at 18 might give Snoop Dogg a run for his money
  • [insert name for narcotics] – Yeah, he’s done it. Guaranteed.

Just today we all got word the receptionist was arrested and detained. I have plenty of questions, but hopefully the boss can find some level of understanding and forgiveness for her. Shit happens, am I right?


1:01 — I ponder past days long since gone,

now only faded and only a glimmer of what once was,

where did all the time go?

gone are the many hellos and hugs

long, short and lingering

that touch that once was,

the feeling of being held

tightly and embraced

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Big Plans for 2017

I’ll be 26 this year.

It’s a terrifying thought. While I’ll have a nice job lined up, the time I have to get down my career path and settle in to independence is diminishing. Far too often I see people get married to early without a solid plan for their future lives. This is a common theme:

  • we been together for X years
  • early to mid 20s
  • low paying job
  • no career
  • lives with parents

Oh! Lets get married! Why? How? Seriously.

I like having money.

Call it shallow but it makes everything easier. Besides the obvious ability to buy whatever you want, the freedom it brings is absolutely needed as the economy is going down the drain.

My plans this year are:

  1. Get my foot in the door
  2. Make the final payment for my car
  3. Buy a new car (the one I actually want)
  4. Move out (I hate my parents)
  5. Stop drinking

I realized I’m at the threshold of either developing a healthy lifestyle or one that will lead my already somewhat tired body to my demise. I haven’t smoked a cigarette since last October. I feel beyond great. Drinking will have to stop. It’s a sign of weakness. High blood pressure is after all, a silent killer.

My parents want me to find a nice girl and get married already. Their not so subtle reminders are annoying. I like having money. I’m shallow.

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Finding Meaning in the Meaningless

After much time to myself to dwell on my thoughts, I have concluded we as humans have no purpose here on Earth. To distill my conclusion: Life has only what you make of it. As someone who has pondered the question, “what is my purpose” for several years, I can reasonably assume we no have predetermined purpose that answers all of life’s nagging questions.

Biologically, I can assume we we’re made to procreate and have children to further the human race. This would be the most primitive example conclusion I can draw from biology and the most common purpose seen with other mammals. But unlike other mammals, we have higher level consciousness other animals are not aware off.

We are one of the few species aware of life ending and with that comes a greater number of questions to ponder. Being that the universe is mostly a cosmic cavern of random collisions, eruptions, and chance encounters with the cosmic forces that comprise the great vacuum, we are merely organisms who evolved with higher level consciousness and thinking which comprise an innate desire to make sense of this chaos.

Looking at the man-made created religions that has encompassed a majority of the human population, it offers a alluring resolution and straightforward solution to the great question, “what is our purpose?” This proposition to many people offers an attractive solution to an extremely uncertain question that would otherwise lead to a great deal of cognitive dissonance to the non-devine.

Looking to religion to find the answer is bullshit. Presently Christianity is the worlds most followed religion, but regarding it as the most correct or “accepted” religion is a falsehood of our narrow mindedness. Who is to say the Greeks believing in Zeus is the stuff of fables and imagination when their level of expertise of mathematics, astrology and medicine predates our modern expertise? If we were born in the ancient times of the Greeks we would just be as likely to believe in Zeus.

My pet peeve with religions that involve the return of their messiah is it diminishes the efforts and accomplishments of the follower and places it in the hands of the devine — the one they blindly follow, Why should Jesus or the Lord have the credit for the successes and accomplishments in life when the hard work and perseverance is a direct result of the individual?

Life is whatever you make of it. Those who experiences existential terror should not feel fear or anxiety. Life has unlimited possibilities and it’s ultimately in our hands. The only certainly is I exist because I can think. We must find our out meaning and fulfilled a sense of purpose. We know we are note made to be immortal on this world. This therefore is the diving force for us to want to seek fulfillment and purpose in the time we do have. Wether it’s the accumulation of wealth or a family, everything is in our hands.

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Mega update and 2016

It’s officially 2016 and I have already broken one of my New Years resolutions. Whoops. Looking back, a lot has happened in 2015, but here are a few of my favorite moments from the year:

  • graduating
    • Sure, I’m in massive debt as most students are in this economy, but I left with a strong sense of accomplishment and an even better work ethic. The friends I made at UC Santa Barbara are all unique and memorable probably for the rest of my life. There were some bad moments, but I wouldn’t change a thing. Come, I have plenty of crazy stories to tell.
  • job after job after job
    • I had three jobs since graduating, 4 if you count the freelance IT work I did on temp. With Hulu falling through my fingers, getting laid off at eMC, and quitting my last job at GCMG, finding a job is painless, staying is hard. No worries through, I have a job interview at yet another marketing company within the area. Hoorah?
  • buffoonery with my best friends
    • I got to see my friends more in 2015 than in any other year. I made it a priority to head back home more my last year at Santa Barbara and I’m glad I did. I realize everyone (notably Julian and Garza) is going on ten years plus and there’s no end in sight to our friendship. They have my back and are looking out and that’s by the best realization from this year. Multiple parties and nights fueled by alcohol cumulates to a strong sense of brotherhood. “They my bros” and I’d take a bullet for them… or at least slow it down so it’s not fatal.

What’s not to like you may ask?

  • Carol
    • I met this girl at Garza’s Halloween party. Putting it mildly and quoting Kanye West, she’s a “gold digger”. Garza says she’s not so bright and I wholeheartedly agree. Who decides to fail a class than to get a C??? I’m really really hoping she stops calling in 2016. Fingers crossed.
  • Bills
    • No job = no money. Problem: bills need money. My sizable debt is shrinking, but money is always an issue.