The Reality of 2020

This entire year feels like a complete failure. COVID derailed all of my plans and then some. Every forecast for what this year could has been missed. I just accept the harsh reality of what this year entails and unfortunately, it feels like it’s getting worse each passing day.

The reality of life is simple: expect not it to go according to plan. I feel like I’m just 70% there and I’m often forgetting the most mundane of tasks. I feel on edge and most people I interact with can see it. Save me? No. Worry about yourself. I’m just honest about it.

Mix an ongoing pandemic with civil unrest and you have by far one of the most unruly times in recent memory. To everyone who feels let down and disappointed, I’m here right with you. The world is chaotic and I’m looking for mercy, not a resolve.

Later world.

Terrible Mondays

Monday’s aren’t my favorite day of the week. I got stranded today. Thankfully, in the nice part of town and not on the side of the freeway. If there’s any silver lining to today, I had a few good laughs with my coworkers and the day was not typically busy. I’m calling this a case of bad luck. Can I expect this to week to be better? I really doubt it.

There’s always tomorrow.

June is not over just yet. How fitting the day can be so terrible.

Later world.

Awkward (Kinda)

We hired a new person at my job. A female.

Normally, I wouldn’t care to mention, but my coworker about a year ago introduced me to her. We talked and texted like the usual ways two people get acquainted. I asked her out. She said yes. And for a while this was going well until some choice words were said.

Now she works here. What an unusual year this turning out to be.

Invisible Minds

She can’t see me,

Eyes turned away to deceive me,

Summer skies til dawn for the season,

Have her walk away and she’d leave me,

Darling what is the reason?

The times are gone and beneath me,

Tell me what’s true and we’ll reason,

The souls are torn for our treason,

Lie to me now and I’ll leave for the time being,

Darling tell me the reason,

The thoughts dwell til three,

Up late in the evening and I’m now dreaming,

The past has grabbed hold and I’m not leaving,

Til we part now and I’m not breathing,

Fixations to the mind and I’m not believing,

———

I’m quite happy with how this poem turned out. Now if the rest of the world would resume, I would be so thankful. One day at a time.

Daydream in Tomorrow

There’s no time to borrow,

You’re dreaming of tomorrow,

Ten years of sorrow,

All the nights that follow,

Somewhere you call her,

Two voices alone that wallow,

Many souls that’s hollow,

No love left to borrow,

————

Evidently, not everyone is supportive. Honestly, why are there so many critics in my life? There’s a strange pattern with each person I’m noticing. Don’t make me laugh.

Midway 2020

Half of the year flew by. I’m a little surprised, a bit concerned, but life goes on. I haven’t preoccupied any of time with matters outside my own. I think it’s only the sane thing to do where there’s images and videos of civil unrest throughout the world.

Here’s where the year stands so far in my world:

– Exponentially increased the size of investments by a few hundred percent (up 20% overall). Amazon at $3K by end of the year.

– No debt! I have my car payment and insurance, but I can knock this out the way before years end if I wanted to.

– Plans to buy a house in Portland, Oregon. This is elaborate to say the least. Home prices in Portland can get me a 3 bedroom house for what a low priced condo costs here. I’ll buy the house and rent it out for income. This sounds doable, but logistically a nightmare.

– I helped out at least 5 people without any consideration for anything in return. I’m proud of this. I genuinely like it when friends come to me asking for help and I can do it. Feels good!

– Some friends far away smiled big and hard and I did that. Be me. Be kind.

Later world.

Fuck This Week

Wouldn’t you know it — this week sucked immensely. Fuck me. Fuck that. And my god — fuck off. One of my woke friends gave me shit for not voicing my support of the Black Lives Matter movement. I’m sorry, but I have to go to work everyday and bust ass to get several projects done. You would think your daily responsibilities that keep a comfortable living is a higher priority than going out on the streets to protest, but fuck that shit.

Different strokes for different folks. There’s this weird cloud over everyone and it doesn’t bring out the best in people. My office is littered with angry faces and people who checked out since the beginning of the month. I’m covering for everyone and this is the definition of incompetence.

Someone save me. Later world.

If the world would stop for a second, that would be great. It feels like the first time I’ve been able to stop and take a breather all week.

Apartment Hunting

You would think the current state of affairs in the US would make me think twice about moving, but I’m fairly determined to follow through with my plans. Finding a suitable apartment is difficult — and that’s putting it mildly. My friends either just rent out a room for themselves or have been living together — all of which makes paying rent easier. I, however, want an apartment all to myself. I can’t say I want anything grand or opulent. I’ve largely condensed down my possessions to the essentials and free of any clutter. Small and cozy is the word.

My friends say I’m too picky, which is almost certainly true. I’ve had a list of things I deemed necessary saved onto my Amazon this year, mostly just furniture. I’m obsessive about esthetics and the way things look making this move exciting. How else would you make a home uniquely yours? I set myself a decent budget and everything from my perspective will go nicely together. I’m so fond of the mid-century modern look since I’ve got hooked on watching Mad Men, I have to have a similar style. Maybe not a mini bar however. I have several authentic prints hand signed by Andy Warhol I’ve been keeping in storage that I’ve been dying to put up on display. American values are materialistic, but I sometimes find myself caring too much about what I have and wanting more.

My criteria is limiting. Location must be close to other shops, quiet, walkable, and somewhere where the the crime isn’t an issue. I’ve been asked why not move somewhere in Downtown, but I really hate the traffic and constant unease a life in the city brings.

2020 feels like the entire world is burning to ashes, but it hasn’t stopped me yet. Life goes on and while everything around me is chaotic, it shouldn’t deter you from your goals. Let’s hope everyone feels the same way.

Later world.

Starlight Drifter

I’ll call you my starlight,

Heaven knows it to be true,

Eyes wide open,

Teary of the ocean blue,

You say you don’t love me,

And indeed it could be true,

Somewhere along the horizon,

Lost inside of you,

I’m nearby just floating,

A wave that hasn’t fallen,

Ten years for longing,

Another for the fall,

You say you don’t love me,

Hear me calling for yours,

Endlessly be searching,

Midnight, past life — my starlight


Poems are hard when you have nothing to do. Today was too busy, however. I feel rushed all of a sudden. Times like this I’m glad I have nothing but my thoughts. Maybe I dwell on them more to distract myself.

Words, They Hurt Me

In the lifetime I’ve been alive, I can always recall some of the most painful words ever spoken to me.

“We can still be friends.”

“We had a nice run…”

“I never loved you.”

“Did you hear about grandpa?”

Such feelings are shared between people. Sadness, grief and the feeling that overcomes you. It pulls at your heart strings and hums of a tune you wish not to know. Unsurprisingly, those feelings lose their intensity as time passes, but the thought alone triggers them. Now, just a lingering itch from a time that felt so long ago.

Later world.