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Anxiety Keeps Me Up

Every year around this time, my anxiety shoots through the roof. Coupled with the colder weather, I feel like absolute hell and there’s really no good way for me to “snap out of it”.

Lately, I’ve convinced myself I’ve gotten nothing done this year and COVID made all my plans fall through. While this is somewhat of an exaggeration, my brain works in magical ways. A bit broken and endlessly neurotic.

Overthinking is one of my weaker points I need to work on. I sometimes have this nagging itch to want to see everything from every perspective and it consumes my thoughts. Everyone — meaning my friends and coworkers, tell me to just chill out. Take it for what it is.

What the hell does that mean? I’ve come to realize this entire cluster fuck of a year we call 2020 was unexpected and unpredictable. The year is almost over and while it should be winding down, I’ve gotten exponentially busier. My work is planning on moving to a new location next year and I’m expected to take on greater duties.

It’s the theme with life. Getting old, getting busy, and keeping the mind restless. Being content is the goal as I’ve told myself many times. I want more, want to do more, and carry myself higher. Achievements and fortunes don’t come easy after all. Say it isn’t so.

Later world.

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Distances Among and Far

I’m growing further away from some friends and closer to others. Somehow, life has a tendency to make that apparent. Hobbies change, social lives differ, and above all, people change. We are powerless to stop it. It is the sea that drifts further outward into the ocean. The tides can only take some much.

What this year of a mess has taught me is perspective. Fending for yourself while forgoing others who bring you down doesn’t make you selfish. It’s the reality of knowing right from wrong, truth from lies, and to grow old is let go — apart. Live now and focus.

Times feel so different than they did the years before. I’ve changed and yet some of my friends haven’t. I’m not one to judge, but we can’t all keep on the same lonely path and the road less traveled.

Who am I? I’m still wondering every day if my priories matter more than they did before. I want more, there’s infinite ways to get there, and I’m the lone wolf fending off criticism.

Later world.

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Closing Out the Week

Honestly, it’s been such a great week. I had the most incredible date the other night and I’m surprised she was having as much fun as me. Long and deep conversations flowed naturally and it never felt like we had run out of topics to discuss. For all the troubles this year brought, I felt relieved, delighted and joyful there felt like normalcy for those few hours.

The restaurant was fantastic, the food was perfect, and the few glasses of wine kept the mood loose and relaxing. The night was delightful.

Life is good and perhaps that’s an understatement.

Later world.

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T-minus 1 Month

Next month, it’s my birthday. Hooray? I’ve always found it weird we celebrate getting one year older as we slowly inch closer to old age. Hell, I’m still young as a baby in some people’s eyes. To get old is to be wiser, yet long for days long gone.

Tragic, yet, moving. Nonetheless, I was asked if I was going to get hammered on my birthday. I uttered a resounding, but firm — no. I’ve long passed by those foolish years of outraged and wild partying, so much so I couldn’t imagine doing it now.

Fun fact: I’ve largely believed I was invincible up until the end of last year and the first quarter of 2020. I’m imperfect teetering on grandiose that my own near bouts of death hadn’t shaken my superhuman complex.

This year, I found out I’m quite vulnerable. Injuries don’t require the painful but darkened bruises and trips to the hospital are always urgent and unwelcomed.

Hell, getting old and someday dying isn’t the part that scares me. Not being able to do everything I have planned does and frequently keeps me up at night. I don’t need infinite time on Earth, just better plans and ways to reach them. It’s the enigma that causes minds to wander into confusion as answers remain vague.

This year gave me too much to think about. I’ve dreaded being home indoors all this time and somehow, I was wrong.

What’s that stupid saying? Keep calm. Carry on. Later world.