Four days ago, I felt my chest beat so hard and rapidly, I thought my heart was going to explode. I feared the worst and with my entire family around me as my body was slowly clenching up, I told them my final goodbyes in case this was the end. In some twisted sense of morality, I let go and told everyone I loved them dearly and said sorry for having to go like this — and so terrifyingly. Of the highest order of my guiding principles on how to live life, I consider this action “directive one” or leave this world peacefully with everyone.
The paramedics arrived and put me on an ambulance to the nearest hospital where they quickly diagnosed me with a severe panic attack. A nurse administered a shot — on a my butt no less. My heart rate went from over 250 back down to 100 in a matter of minutes, but it felt like an eternity for me.
I’m alive. I feel relatively unscathed. Maybe there’s a bit of post traumatic stress disorder still lingering somewhere in my thoughts, but the four days of Xanax I’ve taken has completely removed my ability to even think for myself let alone worry. This might just be the worst year I’ve ever experienced and for good reason.
In those fear filled moments where I thought I was going to die of a sudden heart attack, I wondered to myself, “Wow. This is how I’m going to go — dying and in pain”. It’s morbid to consider. My entire life played like a long movie in my head and this was the finale. I remember thinking I did well for myself even if my life was going to be cut short. I knew if I wasn’t going to be around, at least the very people I love would be taken cared of. I have a very extensive will outlining how my assets get divided up upon my passing and it’s more than what some people make in an entire year.
I’m trying to find some silver lining to this traumatic experience and I’ve come to realize that: 1) I don’t rest enough 2) my friend’s activities are in direct contradiction with my morals and 3) I can die in peace. The last one is a bit much, but I know it to be certain. I’ll be spending less on what the meaning of life is and more about just living to my fullest potential from here on out. It’s strange, yet philosophical.
To all my readers, best wishes and with love. Later world.