Words, They Hurt Me

In the lifetime I’ve been alive, I can always recall some of the most painful words ever spoken to me.

“We can still be friends.”

“We had a nice run…”

“I never loved you.”

“Did you hear about grandpa?”

Such feelings are shared between people. Sadness, grief and the feeling that overcomes you. It pulls at your heart strings and hums of a tune you wish not to know. Unsurprisingly, those feelings lose their intensity as time passes, but the thought alone triggers them. Now, just a lingering itch from a time that felt so long ago.

Later world.

Joe Biden Sucks

Go find any recent video about Joe Biden and look at the amount of likes versus dislikes. Now find several more. Overwhelmingly, viewers don’t like him and this is very apparent. I don’t like Donald Trump, but I don’t believe Joe Biden is going to be the next President of the United States.

In many interviews, he comes off as angry, arrogant, smug, and combatant in his responses. He doesn’t seem very relatable and has his own fair share of issues with memory and gaffes. Biden’s weird talking habits have been well known, but if he’s going toe-to-toe with Trump, he’s screwed. Trump may rant, but Biden can barely string sentences together in a coherent manner.

This is the guy the Democrats picked to go against Trump. It’s kind of pathetic. Just recently, he was quoted on saying “you’re not black if you don’t vote for me.” He said he was too “cavalier” but Democrats have long since exploited the Black vote for office. Biden was racist and he’s getting hell on social media for being so arrogant.

Biden ran much of early campaign saying he and Obama did the country good, but honestly, what did he accomplish single handedly in eight years? I’m confused as to what his message is as much as the internet is. Saying his VP will be female is a desperate attempt to appeal to women. How about pick someone qualified to do the job and not exploit the opposite sex?

If feels much like history is repeating 2016 all over again. We all know how that went. Biden sucks and anyone who says otherwise, expect to be disappointed.

To Live is To Exist

Life has open pathways and endless oceans, but somehow we choose to make our own path. One of the most questioned parts of our existence is what we’re put here on Earth for. It’s a terrifying thought knowing our lives are finite. It’s the question that keeps me up at night when sleep is rare and the thoughts are neverending.

As many of my friends would argue, live life as it comes. Live in the moment as some would say. While common to hear, it provides little comfort and no answers. Right or wrong, it’s a lack luster response to the problem of knowing we all will eventually leave this land and be nothing more than memories to those who have yet to succumb to the eternal slumber.

One of my co-workers is approaching retirement and I’ve asked him something along these lines. Purpose when there seemingly isn’t one. A destination when so many wander aimlessly. By his account, he’s suprised he’s where he is today. A family man, with a wife and children to his name. He has owned multiple homes and properties in his life time — often remiscing of the past and times long gone.

I find the elderly remarkable. Their wisdom is far and many. Their words distinct and concise. Through out all of human history, people have come to make a name for themselves — not like the fame or notoriety our current generation of social media celebrities so eager seek. It’s not what I want or feel anyone before the age of 30 should seek. I consider it the greatest distraction society faces — one sided affection when no one at the other end of the glowing screen could care or help you when it matters.

My thoughts on the current state of society has remained the same. We all too often distract ourselves with content high in shallowness and of little value. Meaningless interactions with others who are nothing more than images projecting themselves to occupy our short attention span.

In a world so addicted to obsurd, what time we have here is lost to distractions. The solution is simple — stop. Look at the person in front of you. Acknowledge their presence and fully interact one-on-one. Since when was the digital and non-physical so important to ignore the people around you? Families do it with their children eating at restaurants. Lovers to each other on a night out. We as people exist to foster relationships through words, actions, and contact. How we’ve come to shield ourselves from normal human behavior is a sign of of the greatest ill we have towards society. Love to love, be loved and hope there’s another waiting for you.

Later world.

You Annoy Me

As my philosophy professor once told me, your friends — no matter how close or cherished, eventually, they will let you down. That is inevitable, which is unfortunate. It’s a fact of life I’ve seen more and more. While you can’t fault them for merely being human, their actions or inaction says volumes.

I have one friend who spends all his time smoking cigarettes, marijuana and doing large amounts of cocaine every passing day. I’ve come to realize he’s far from ever being saved and that his path in life has already been written — one I dare not wish to venture in.

On numerous times, I’ve seen him slowly do more and more without any regard for his well-being or health. As you wished, then so be it. A life of drug addiction is one of pain and endless consumption. I’ve confronted him about it time and time again, but I’m met with various excuses and explainations teetering on absurd to flat out denials. I don’t consider his habits careful experimentation so many others have experienced with illicit substances. To give him the benefit of the doubt would be lies and turning a blind eye.

Drugs quickly go empty and so does their money. I’m always bothered by hearing people who parttake in this lifestyle complain and rant about not having a dollar to their name. It’s pathetic and only exacerbates the underlying problem more. Give me a break. You can always make back the money lost, but your health may never recover even with all the money in the world and the finest doctors to keep you conscious.

It’s only natural I find myself a bit jaded and skeptical of others. When I have someone in my circle of friends tell me about some goal they’ve set for themselves, I almost always never believe it — especially with ones requiring money. Buy this, buy that, or I’ll own it in the future. It’s all talk and I’m aware of all the other times their words fell short. Don’t get me wrong — everyone should set their own goals. If you have a history of not following through, I don’t believe it — not even a single word.

It’s one of those reasons why when someone says they’ll repay me for lunch or some other transaction involving money I’m met with skepticism. One time, I was told it wasn’t a big amount relative to my own income and therefore wasn’t an issue. They disappoint me or rather, irritate me to no end.

What’s the moral of this long winded rant? People let me down and will continue to do so. Their inability to advance in life is their own doing and any problems they face with not being able to sustain themselves is the result of their own doing. Others may view me differently and call my perspective unusual, but until we can finally meet at eye level, I’ll remain hesitant to assist in their times of dire need.

Later world.

Easier Then & Now

Life seemed some much simpler just a few years ago. My main concern was how I was going to dig myself out of the massive amount of debt I accumulated and it alone was singular. Fast forward to now, I worry about too many things and fear not reaching my goals.

I’m certain my friends don’t share my feelings about living and pursuing all interests that lead the land of promise. Even so, I can’t help but wonder if I’m living up to my true potential. You can judge a person on their goals and aspirations, but how they plan on reaching them says volumes about their ability to be successful.

I don’t care what others may think, yet, the days feel like a never ending battle against mediocrity. I’ve done this, done that, and overcame it — what’s next for me? If the goal in life is to prosper and live a fulfilling life, I’m probably imagining there’s some finish line to this journey.

I have to ask myself what is it I want out of all of this. Money? Companionship? Family? Those are needed and although the thought of having it all is reassuring, the means to get them isn’t. I see a lot of mistakes with my own family and the consequences they must deal with. I’m only streering myself away from the same miserable fate.

2020 is the worst year yet, but not by my hands or chosing. I feel all this free time with my thoughts has started to make me reevaluate my needs, wants and desires. I can’t say I’m closer to having all the answers life throws at me. Until then, I hope to be a person of compassion and make an impact however small it may be.

Later world.

Next Stop: Tomorrow

For some time I’ve been searching,

Minutes to eleven and the feelings are hurting,

Where had it gone, but so undeserving,

My eyes drift down as it’s worsening,

Tell all lies and I’ll be searching,

The feelings of past and yours be hurting,

Save me now and all that’s deserving,

I’ll be downing in air praying it’s not worsening,


Why do days feel longer the more you think? My entire mind is a replay and some days it’s never ending. Your eyes keep wandering and ears more acute. Falling leaves, the brightest sun and the sensation of everything around me suddenly feels like I’m lost in reality.

Lessons in Addiction

One of my greatest pet peeves is being around others who are unable to help themselves. I can tolerate drunken behavior, the occasional puff of a cigarette, or the lingering smell of marijuana, but when someone I know or call a friend snorts the illicit white substance, I’m enraged and disappointed. The dangers of regular cocaine use is well documented and the risks alone should sway any temptations, but it doesn’t. If you’re addicted however, you’ll doomed to an early grave. I can’t help you and better off shouldn’t make it my concern. Actions have consequences and some lessons are best learned the hard way.

The most unbelievable part of users of cocaine is how they can bullshit and lie about having it under control.

“It’s just a little bit.” “I can stop whenever I want.” “It’s not a problem.”

In retrospect, hearing how they can’t sleep, are constantly depressed, or have their life in shambles were all ill effects of the drugs taking its toll on their life. As someone who has to hear this weekly, if you want to throw it all away to escape reality, it’s your choosing and no one should be there to tell you otherwise. Stay broke, have not the energy to get up in the morning, but do not complain to others. Their life is not your concern, nor your problem.

Life and living isn’t easy, but escaping to a life of artificial highs and the depths of the lowest lows isn’t the answer.

Los Angeles $$$

Los Angeles is all I know. I distinctly remember walking around downtown as a kid seeing all the tall skyscrapers and being at awe at the marvelous concrete jungle. The bustle of the city allured me then, but now I’m indifferent about life here.

My biggest complaint here is the high cost of living. Last I checked, I’m doing pretty well for myself, but your money goes quickly putting a roof over your head. You can save a bit by cooking more and budgeting, but there’s no escaping the costs associated here. If I could permanently work remotely, I would leave for another state or city in a heartbeat.

I feel I more or less recovered from the market crash and all my investments are in the green. I’m thankful, but seeing as how your livelihood hangs on a thread when there’s an outbreak doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t feel secure even with the nest egg I have and that shouldn’t be the case.

If everything plans out, I’ll have six figures saved up in various places ready to cash out for my house or condo. It’s the American dream. One that’s expensive, riddled with liabilities, and logically the next step in my life. It begs the question, would I do it?

I’ve been constantly thinking about this plan for a few years now and I’ve only err on the side of caution than my usual relentless optimism. Times like this I wish I wasn’t alone with just my thoughts. A second opinion helps and I’d imagine I could be quickly pushed the other way.

The path less traveled is the one walked alone and I feel I’ve only had a string of successes to push on forward. I know I could just live everyday as it comes but life comes as you fast and the better you have an idea of where you want to be, the less likely you’ll be just another ant in this world.

I don’t want to be just another person drifting. The days feel longer now that we’re on lockdown. My thoughts cascade into one another and my mood is slowly falling. I can almost hear my own heartbeat on some days. There’s a rhythm to life and right now, I’m off beat.

Later world.

IDGAF

Everyone loves to criticize without much thought to why or when. Talking shit is a way of life for some, but don’t let it deter you from your own motives or goals. Rarely, will someone truly understand where you’re headed or coming from. Tune out their bullshit and focus on yourself.

You is what matters. Don’t lose out on your own happiness by letting others steer you off course. A road traveled alone is better than a stadium of enemies.

To everyone who doesn’t understand or can’t see it for themselves, fuck you. I don’t give a fuck.

For Now and Always

I wouldn’t necessarily say you need a global pandemic to make you reevaluate your priorities, but with all the free time I have to myself, it seems prudent. Life the past few years has been fairly strong and quite goal oriented. Whether I’m motivated by the forces that are intrinsic is up for debate. I sometimes have this nagging reminder in the back of my mind of how far behind I once was that gives an extra push when the times are difficult.

I like a challenge and everyone should be weary of a life of ease and handouts. It’s not fulfilling and lacks the sweet feeling of a plan coming to fruition. I have all these bookmarks in my memory of days or weeks where I felt I was struggling and drowning from the forces of life. Yet, miraculously, here I am — barely with a scratch to be seen. This is metaphorically the value of perseverance in life’s unending dash through discovery. Goals have endings, but the journey continues.

I’ve written some five hundred plus entries in this online journal detailing my bouts of ups and downs. Some are sad. Some are joyful. Others the bitter feeling of disappointment. In the end, I find it incredibly refreshing to let it all be known to friends new, far and unknown.

I’m truthfully hopeful there’s more to be accomplished and self-reflect on. There is no end and I can only assume there’s someone out there on this Earth who shares the same sentiments and values. That would be a delight unmatched to any feeling the human body can feel and experience.

Perhaps I am a bit odd and different in the ways life affects me. Change with the times and see to it tomorrow is new and exciting. Different yet unknown. Feelings of the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Time has never felt so still and all I can think of is the next sunset that captures my sight or the darkness that brings another moon.

The curtain falls and with that — applause. Later world.