Family (Lack of Thereof)

The coronavirus has everyone in my family without a job — me being the only exception. With the lockdown in place, naturally, everyone is getting extra special attention with one another. While this in principle sounds nice, my family is a fragmented mess and would make for an entertaining episode of Jerry Springer.

My parents never had the best relationship as far back as I can remember. While arguments did occur when I was a kid, overtime, the once rare occurrence has spiraled into a daily episode. Each parent wants to be right — even if it is for petty reasons. My mom is the worst offender when it comes to wanting to be the winner.

From what little I know about her, she never had much of a formal education growing up in China. In fact, both parents were farmers born into the coastal countryside. You would think they would be more receptive to facts and information, but they’re willfully ignorant — teetering on arrogant. Feeling right outweigh being factually correct.

I can’t say with complete confidence the words ‘love’ and ‘parents’ can ever be uttered in a sentence. I could ignore the daily battles and long awkward silences they too often loath under, however, my upringing was less than stellar. My mom forgot to pick me up from school — twice and was extremely neglectful and distant. My dad did not do any better. He calls it keeping me under control and teaching lessions. I grew up and call it abuse.

I’ve often been asked by friends and some women I’ve dated or been with, “Do I wish I could of had better parents?” The mythical atomic family comes to mind. When I was a pre-teen, absolutely. Now that I’m inching towards thirty, not a chance. Although imperfect and the lowest of the lows have been inflicted at their hands, my experiences — no matter how traumatic, shaped me to this very moment of my life.

I want to love because of never feeling it from them. I yearn and care for those who keep me in their thoughts. I absolutely will go to the ends of the Earth for someone I care about knowing I couldn’t say with confidence they are capable of doing the same. People around me care and that’s frankly all I need life. Not money nor anything material. Knowing others care for my well-being brings a lot of comfort and solace.

I’ve long since stopped trying to mend my relationship with them. Since I was a child, they told me I was responsible for their unhappiness and turmoil — believing it for far too long. But I grew up and saw through all the dust and chaos. I’m their scapegoat for much more personal relationship issues. For that, I wouldn’t count on anything changing. My happiness is my own and I’ll continue to look at them as two people who I label with quotes “mom and dad”.

Later world.

Situation (Not Normal)

I can’t stand the coronavirus. Every bit of news is fixated on reporting cases and the awful response the US is making to keep it under control. Can it just stop already? It’s bad enough everyone is panicking and clearing out entire shelves. The elderly can’t fend for themselves and are left with scraps.

This is the real America underneath the glory we all masks ourselves with. The very country that boasts of its wealth can’t stop a pandemic. Stocks keep crashing, businesses are closing, and it’s a free for all leaving everyone to fend for themselves.

It’s so apparent living paycheck to paycheck is the norm here. Hours get cut and without warning, bills become unpaid and everyone’s livelihood is on the line. Filing for unemployment isn’t the solution. It’s a bandaid for a much greater societal problem no one wants to address. Land of the free and home of the brave means nothing with the current state of affairs as horrid as it’s become.

We should all stay safe but vigilant. Help those who are unable to do so themselves. Offer assistance and put it into action — not just suggestions for the sake of a newsworthy story. Where is the call to action? For now, it’s only going to get worse before we as a country recover.

The pandemic will pass. However, not without a wake of unemployment and suffering on every street corner. Development slows, but I’m hopeful in the near future, this can be all be put behind us and we can be one again.

Later world.

Crisis Time: COVID-19

2020 is roaring and when I mean that, its wrath has my stock portfolio losing as much as 30%. By my count, at one point, I was at a loss of nearly ten thousand fucking dollars. To put it in perspective, the past two weeks has completely erased all gains since 2016. That is incredible. Waking up to everything in red is almost amusing after the second week of straight losses.

So everyone has been asking me am I worried? Not really. This is panic selling and eventually everything recovers — however long that may take. We had a meeting at work today to break to everyone the bad news. We’re cutting staff and anyone who’s fortunate has to work from home until further notice. This fucking blows.

I’m so bothered by the fact some of my coworkers have kids to take care of and it’s come to this. Many are going to be on unemployment and will have a hard time getting by. What has the world come to? I know this is going to keep me up at night and it shouldn’t. It’s out of anyone’s control and the circumstances surrounding this viral outbreak are unfathomable.

As I sit here constantly wondering how the hell I’m going to get in my usual work mode while painfully stuck at home, I hope and pray this is only temporary. I’m fine as usual, but knowing everyone isn’t pains me to no bounds.

Later world.

Fight Me: Part Whatever

It’s raining all week — which is something I’m quite fond of. Ever since I was a kid, the sounds of water drops and the chill that a rainy day brings has always caught my full attention. Sleeping when you’re able to hear the rain is just the best. I fucking love it.

Now if I can be less optimistic, here’s how everything is going very wrong this week. The economy is officially in a full blown recession and stocks are in a bear market. I’m down more than 20%, which sounds comical after you finally have the courage to see how much value you’ve lost in the past week. I’m fucked, but I kind of expected this to happen. I’m lucky I liquidated 1/3rd of my portfolio a month earlier, but it still stings a lot.

You know what’s the worst part about me? I’m fairly clumsy when I’m completely distracted. My attention was shifted away just for a second and enough to make me slip in the rain. My phone flew out of my hand and handed on the concrete. It was destroyed. I could be mad, but that honestly wouldn’t do me shit. It’s a phone that’s just become a very useless paper weight. I could order the part to fix the damage, but time needed to learn how to fix it and waiting on the part to arrive isn’t going to be quick or easy. Most repair places only fix iPhones. So fuck it then. I drove my ass over to the Apple store and picked up a new iPhone.

Seriously. Please don’t fight gravity until I get a case for it. I think this is one of those times where I tell myself it’s just a phone and that shit can be replaced. After all, it doesn’t have any sentimental value so just move on and don’t let that accident keep you down.

Can it just be Friday already? Later world.

Everyone Disagrees

Today wasn’t the usual cluster fuck Mondays tend to rear it’s serpent head at you. My boss was unusually kind — figures he had some sense knocked into him the previous night. Magical. I know. A new challenge arose today. Everyone disagrees with me around a number of topics. I tend to overshare which leads to dissenting opinions thrown every way. Vulnerability at its finest.

The question tonight is, “If everyone says you’re wrong, are you?” Not necessarily. I find a lot of people jump into a conversation without much constructive criticism. Pick a fight here and there just for shits and giggles. I more than welcome a few off color back handed jokes at my expense. Everyone gets a much needed laugh in. Does it bother me? Normally, no.

Some days I can barely get a word in when the shots are getting fired in my direction. I don’t understand why to some, realizing I just don’t agree is possible. Everyone wants to be right, which says too much about their character and overly large egos. Last I remember, I’m the most college educated person in the office. Somehow, of they insist they are right, by virtue, they are.

Ha. I honestly need to shut the fuck up about my life some days. Not too many people care to divulge what is happening in their lives — however bland, boring, or disinterested it is. Not all aspects of life are fun and exciting, but if you tell me, I’ll listen. Keyword: intently.

I feel I’m at a crossroad at my life. March in forward where the comfort level is high but the feeling for self-fullfillment is low or opt for plan B into the great unknown. They say much if the furthest depths of the ocean has yet to be discover much less adventured. This is where I am. Propel my tiny ship above the waters into the horizon and fading dawn or down lower looking the treasures fallen below.

Isn’t the magic of living not knowing? That crazy journey of discovery only a temporal feeling? I’ve gotten so accustomed to my current lifestyle, I feel bored. This job is cushy, but unrewarding. Part of the problem is the eight plus hours I spend sitting at my desk staring aimlessly into the glow of my computer. The work is only mildly difficult, but my interactions with others are far and few. I talk so much and yet become so quiet when the bustle of ringing phones and keyboards clack away. It’s trance enducing and my God, I fucking hate it.

Funny thing is, every beginning of each new month, I write a few more goals I hope to reach. Break a habit here, learn a new fact there, but always strive for greatness. In the eyes of many, maybe they think I have it all together. That confidence that comes with never being without an answer or the possessions I own. Idolized I feel like I’ve becomed, yet the curtain falls slowly as the week goes by.

All that is new is exciting. The normal nine to five routine isn’t. I love all beginnings, yet the ending inches closer and I’m powerless to stop it. Maybe I ought to go out and see the world more. Travel until my money runs dry. See the world anew and move myself out of my comfort zone. I want a new perspective and yet my priorities never meet past, present, or future.

The sun rises every day and I hope and pray the shadow doesn’t eclipse me. Later world.

The Exit Path

Quite honestly, not everything goes according to plan. But I’m fine with that. Learning to roll with the punches or in my case, a fucking concussion, is all a part of life. My once golden vantage career path has suddenly turned dark and uncertain. Call it bad luck or the sad state of foreign affairs the economy has been enthralled in. Either way, I need plan B.

If you were to ask me what the hell I would be doing for work right out of college, I’d honestly say some dead ass job that barely paid the bills. That wasn’t me being unoptimistic — more so realistic considering I was up to my neck in debt and hopelessly inebriated 24/7. Now that I’m passed that mindset, having other options available when work goes south seems like a constant battle.

In the time I’ve been trying to improve, I’ve come to realize just how swift and sudden you can end up hating the usual 9-5. Some employers use that to their advantage, actually. How fucked up. Hasn’t everyone woke up not wanting to enter the office and dreading the day’s events? Mondays no less. You don’t want to be there and yet you have no choice because of bills and whatever debt life has it’s grasp on your throat.

This entire fucking week, I felt like I was suffocating. How tragic and unsettling. Thankfully, I’m feeling much better now. Sometimes, or a lot of the times, the door isn’t open for you. You have to kick it down and walk right in like you’re wanted and expected. So what if this feels like a set back. I’m just taking it all in and hopefully able to self-reflect in the not so distant future.

This week ended on a high note. A welcomed one at that. Later world. Daniel, out.