Today was a total shit show. Work was especially difficult seeing how three of my coworkers have the usual fuck it attitude with them quitting soon. To make matters worse, I’m stupidly behind on launching several projects. If I wasn’t spread so thinly I’d be in a better position. Fuck everything.
The minute I got home, I wanted nothing to do with work and was beyond over the day. Ever have those urges to down a beer in record time or take a hit? Shit. I’m surprised I’m not under the influence still.
I could feel the slow feelings of depression hitting me harder with each passing hour of today. If it was just my luck, one of my super cool uncles came over for a quick visit. If you ignore the red envelopes with $20s, $50s and $100s, Chinese New Year is one of the rare times where you get to see everyone. That’s priceless. We chatted about the usual: stocks, future goals, and if I was seeing anyone. He’s always been so down to Earth and was quick to crack a few jokes to relieve the tired look on my face.
I’m honestly feeling so much better now. Later world.
No less than three of my co-workers are quitting this month: the receptionist, logistics manager, and the accountant. Shit like this terrifies me. Is there something I can’t see that they do? Am I blind? Delusional? Everyone has told me their version of why they want to leave for new beginnings, but I can’t help but feel uneasy about the sudden mass exit.
Will I be here forever? It sure feels like it at this point. After the receptionist leaving, the original team who started at our office will only be the general manager and myself. Just two fucking people. Honestly, this entire January blows. Everyone has had it with the drama here and finding three replacements will be difficult.
Three co-workers have checked out… Fuck me, I’m dreaming.
Honestly, I needed to learn to be a bit more content with life. The lingering feeling of never having enough only makes life more depressing. I’m probably crazy — right? Last year was great and much was accomplished in the self-improvement realm and career wise. I feel so caught up in the fast lane, the days all feel like a never ending blur. It’s the long exposure that fails to fully capture the moment. The streaks of light from cars on the freeway in Downtown. I’m still and everyone is moving all around me like one of those cliche b-rolls on YouTube.
In the never ending expanse of life with limitless possibilities of where I can end up, is this not bothersome to think about? Live in the moment as some would say, but without the guiding light, you might spend all life wandering. Fuck that — however terrifying that can be.
I’ve changed my hair, my car, my attitude — but what next?
I’m kind of lucky. I know I can text a handful of friends, both male and female, for their opinion on something. I tend to fixate and overthink something until the very reason for doing so almost becomes unclear. Hands down, one of the most confusing habits I have. Eventually, I come to my senses and ask everyone for their thoughts.
I’m not going to lie. Some topics get dark and wouldn’t fit the narrative of an online journal. You have that secrecy that trust allows. Other times, it’s another question about a relationship or someone I’m seeing. In the end, all I’m looking for is their cold hard unfiltered opinion.
I think what I’ve come to realize is you’re not going to be able to save yourself. Best you can do is ask for help. There aren’t always answers even with your most trusted loyal group of friends to confide in. At least hear them out to look at the situation from their prospective.
2020: once you’re off the boat, you’ll need to really convince me to let you back on.
The most interesting thing happened last night, “Danny let’s talk”. It was from someone I used to love deeply, but due to rampant uncontrollable drug binges and round the clock drinking, drove away. I take full responsibility back then for ruining our relationship and lying to her for so long about it. She found out the very night she needed me the most and get, I was too high to physically get off the couch.
Eventually, I came clean but knew the end was near. Some time later, I wrote her a long apology never expecting her to see it on Messenger or reply back. It was so long ago and I’ve regretted what happened ever since.
I’m not sure where this is going or why she chose now to talk to me again, but I’m happy yet cautious. Delighted yet apologetic. Alert yet slowing.
I’m glad we’re talking again. Later world.
If there’s anything to be fearful of is letting life pass you by while everyone around you is going places. You find yourself still on the busy street. People walking, whizzing, bicycling by. Tell yourself you are somebody and go out and take what you deserve.
No more what ifs and what can I. We only have so long. Dreams don’t merely exist in our heads. Say what needs to be said, work as hard as needed, find motivation when there is none and everything you could ever want will appear.
I’ll be honest, I’m nowhere near perfect. In my head, it’s a population for one and nobody else. I find myself so caught up in redundant or depressed emotions, I fall right off the map and continue spiraling. Fuck me. Fuck this. And fuck our capacity to make our own unique thoughts. The very enemy to your own mental health is your head and what goes on in there is for an audience of one.
I don’t think I truly knew what it meant to be depressed until a few years ago. I once blamed it on my dead end job and co-workers whom all hated my existence. Naturally, you find yourself failing and loathing the days. Yet, as you make your way up the hill and atop the mountain, you’re still missing that elusive feeling of happiness. Shit fucking sucks and it’s unexpected.
I call my more recent years ‘the search for happiness’. Admission made. Guilty as charged. Often, I think I discovered the next thing or person that would bring me happiness but I’m dumb as fuck and quickly realize I’m mistaken. What’s the deal? No one person will equate you to being happy. Not the love of your life nor a vault filled to the ceiling with hundred dollar bills.
Take a look in the mirror. Can’t we all say we know what we’re looking for? What we yearn and want? What we envy until it becomes jealousy? I despise my own family for the years of torment and suffering at their hands, but hating for the length of your life isn’t healthy or the correct path. I accept them for who they are and what they’ve become. Love and family aren’t on that list.
I want to be loved and to have the family that I oh so envy every time I’m invited over to a friend’s house. How I’ll find it is unknown and won’t be quick and easy. Some days I’m day dreaming for it and that’s quite alright.
Feel sorry for we can’t love,
Not a whisper or cry,
No light above,
You felt so warm and all I was,
Just another soul,
For the time once was,
I had you close and to the night,
Like a prince and forever us,
Hear the cries and see the darkest skies,
Of our time that gone and not enough,
Taken by the man who never must,
I lost you then like just a gust,
If only you what could be us,
Writing a poem is much like a window into the soul. I suppose my own is more open to digging and searching. Words don’t always convey the full meaning of how I’m feeling or thinking, but it’s close. We exist to feel and being able to put that into words is an impossible task. I won’t keep trying. All I hope for is a random spark or two in the night,
I’ve been one on the extremes when it comes to breaking a habit. If it’s something I didn’t like, cut it out completely. Although it sounds good on paper or that magical voice in my head, I’ve come to realize it’s more about self-control. Smoking is bad. Drugs are bad. Excessive drinking is bad. We can all agree the two former is not necessary for a healthy lifestyle, but that’s a huge given. I once thought my ability to stop cold turkey gave me some unnatural godly power to do what’s right for myself, but it’s more of my ego talking than any thing.
No — I don’t smoke or do drugs — unless you count the myriad of prescription drugs my various doctors have me on for anxiety, depression, or whatever uncontrollable mood I suddenly face in the year. I find help when needed and that’s more than what a lot of people can say or am willing to do. I don’t usually let the very vices I wish would vanish control my very existence, but that’s the first step to any problem — admitting to it. We are works of progress everyday and without seeing our flaws, we’re destined to fall into the pits of despair.
Getting old has its merits. You feel slower, ache more, and suddenly lack the energy you once had as a naive teenager. Once the feeling of invincibility goes away, kryptonite is all around you. Don’t ignore all the signs. In fact, stop kidding yourself if you had any sense of self-respect for your one and only body. We want to be superman and yet know we are only mortal and vulnerable. The cracks appear and you’re suddenly flooded with arrows and the rising tide overflowing the moat in your perimeter.
I’m not impenetrable or invincible to the world around me and that’s quite alright. I exist to feel both the good and bad. While there’s time, you can count on me to make the most of it. Later world.
Social media is all bullshit. If you think what you see is representative of real life, you’re sadly mistaken. No one posts the mundane or down right depressing on their feed — and why would they? Every post and picture is curated to show the very best of you — a greatest hits of sorts. I find that too much of it will send you spiraling down into depression. It’s a trap and you’re the unwilling participant.
Call me crazy, but no ones life is perfect. Not the celebrities you idolize or the friend who travels to another country every week. They show what they only what you to believe. It’s all bullshit. Loss, grief, and sadness has no place online. Naturally, we gravitate toward the exciting, new, and adventurous. Anything less wouldn’t be worthy of a like, thumbs up, or heart icon.
Later world. It’s time I have it all a rest. To everyone I care about, I’m alive — I just need a break into the real reality — however mundane.