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Did I Do Enough?

With the year almost over, I can’t help but wonder if I did enough this year. Was there more to be done? Did I work hard enough? Did I say everything that needed to be said? Quite honestly, this whole month feels like a huge blur. Everything is back to normal I feel like. My memory is not exactly what I was prior, but hopefully that improves over time.

I got another car — arguably newer and much faster. To be fair, that’s all they had for sale for a used CPO vehicle so my hands were tied. I can just feel the cold weather making me feel slow and lazy. I’ve been trying to finish this Excel file for a few weeks now, but it’s only about half complete. Good grief.

It’s been another great year. Aside from this month throwing me a curve ball, I welcomed every date, accomplishment, goal, and sudden down turn. The pay raise helps too, but honestly, the money isn’t going to make everything perfect any time soon.

At least on paper, I’m up from last year, both career wise and financially. I can safely say I have the least amount of debt in 4 years, which is a huge sigh of relief. Next year, I can say goodbye to all my debt and hopefully find my own place to move into. I’m sure my friends will hate it regardless, but that wouldn’t stop me just yet.

Is there more to be done? Of course. Can I complain about the year having had most of it fly by in an instant? No way. Don’t complain if you can’t find ways to fix it. What’s done is done and it’s best I accept all the events that happened up to now.

I loved, I missed, I adored, and I failed. To everyone I dated, I wished it all could have turned out better. To everyone I saw, I wish it could have been longer. To all the failures I faced, I only wish it won’t repeat. If the sun rises tomorrow, I’ll find more reasons to press on forward towards the imaginary finish line. Except it’s not a race.

2020, I’m racing against only myself. Running from the past yet racing towards the future. It’s gonna be a lonely run, but most goals accomplished on your own are the ones that are most satisfying. I’m not looking for praise or help from anyone. See me for who I am or what I want to be. Just another ant in the glass dome marching on.

Later world.

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Life Catches Up: An Introspective

It’s been a very traumatic month to say the least. It’s weird. Earlier I felt the winter blues slowly overcoming me and felt once again powerless to stop it. Seems my body needs the sunshine to maintain a proper mood.

My head injury doesn’t seem to be a bother anymore. I had this habit after the initial first couple days to replace H with Bs when I wrote. That honestly terrified me. I had a CAT scan, blood work and the whole nine yards of tests conducted and all came back normal. Now I’m glad I opted to get the maximum health insurance coverage offered by my job. Money well spent for the level of care I received indeed.

I can safely say I could put my entire car accident behind me now. My friends and co-workers have been telling me to not think to much about it or watch the video saved on my dash cam. I’ll take their advice. Worst thing I can do is cause more anxiety after being too curious. What’s that saying? Curiosity killed the cat.

Life catches up to you. Same days I felt literally untouchable and invincible. Now, I know I was very wrong and naive. I’m quite vulnerable and my ability to walk away from the crash all but says I’m very lucky and fortunate. The winter blues have left now. Seems I have a new perspective on life, living, and the sometimes chaotic journey I have myself wrapped in. So many friends reached out to ask if I was alright. I feel forever thankful so many care about me.

It’s the theme this month isn’t it? I already bought a new car and am just waiting for the phone call to go pick it up from the dealership. I got it for a steal and all things considered leading up to now, I’ve been told by my best friends not many people have the ability to find themselves in a new car so soon.

I couldn’t have imagined this month to be so wild and quite frankly, how could I? I’ve always thought myself to be a optimist and searching for the silver lining is more important than dwelling on all the negatives. Life — it happens. I’m just here taking it all in and hoping to find myself in a better place than the year before. Everyday is unpredictable, but that’s what makes it worth pursuing.

By some clever accounting, I actually made a lot of money from this entire ordeal. What a crazy miracle. Even when life takes a hit to my head and suffering a mild concussion, I end up in the winner’s side — so to speak. I’ve never felt so alive or financially secure. I’ll take that as the invisible armor I have protecting me at all times.

I didn’t want to go just yet. I’m not done and perhaps may never will be. The pursuit of life is still in full force and with greater intensity. My spiritual side would say I’m protected and guided by angels and past love ones. This could have been much worse and walking away from the wreck speaks volumes.

I recall forcing my door open, walking up to the front of my car, and inspecting the damage. I very nonchalantly asked the officer for a ride home, which only seemed to puzzle and confuse him. Everything else after is all dark and not saved in my memories. That I’m fine with. I don’t need to know everything or figure out the missing few hours from that night. Knowing all the events isn’t important. Knowing I’m well, alive, and safe is.

2020 is right around the corner. I’ve said this countless times, but the only direction life can take me is up — onwards, yet forward. You live to learn, to experience, to feel, to love, and to care. I’m unstoppable and will never be static. That I’m sure of.

Later world.

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Friday in the Hospital

Seriously, this month just won’t let up. On our way back to Montebello, I passed out in the Uber and was unable to be made conscious again. My girl friend frantically shook me and ended up calling 911.

I was told the cops where kind of dicks. One shouted at me, “Wake up or you’re going to jail.” It didn’t do a thing. After realizing I’m beyond able to reawake, I was taken to the emergency room where I was held until the morning. Blood tests, a CAT scan, and whole host of other things were taped onto my body for monitoring.

I guess you can say my concussion from the accident was more serve than I had imagined. After realizing where I was, I ripped everything off of me and asked to be discharged. My dad came to pick me up and another shit show would be brewing at home.

I know I’m not invincible the least bit. Sucks I had to miss another day of work, but whatever. The office can figure most things out without me being there.

2019: I felt like I was closer to dying and all because of a stupid pothole on the road.

Later world. I’m alive and ready for another day.

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To My Baby Sister

I went car buying with my baby sister last night. There was a near perfect Volkswagen Golf GTI Autobahn that was certified pre-owned. I found out hours earlier my insurance company is paying out more than what my car is worth and I get to pocket the rest. The dealership is also refunding me the extended warranty plan and maintenance package I bought at the time of purchase. That can be put towards this new car. All together, I’m looking at nearly $6000 back in my hands. Pretty sweet if you ask me.

It’s weird how life can fuck you up with a concussion, but quickly discover there’s a glimmer of good news just waiting for you. What’s that phrase again? Life, you son of a bitch. After all this, I’m just hoping to get my memory back to normal. I feel like I’m only 80% there right now, with the missing portion rest and plenty of relaxation.

My friend always says, “Shit happens”. Which is definitely true, but instead of having it bring you down to the depths of despair, find a new avenue to approach it. I spent all day figuring out my options, calling my insurance company, checking dealerships, and more importantly — moving quickly to make a bad situation better. You can say I went against my doctor’s orders to stay put and relax, but that’s up for debate another day.

With the perfect (a bit 2nd) car picked out and an agreement to sell it only to me, I walked out happy as a bear with honey. My sis drove that night so we had a long drive back together. It’s not usually we get to be alone like this so I took a deep breath and told her my lingering thoughts.

I assured her there was absolutely no alcohol or drugs involved in my accident and everything I’ve told her has been the complete truth. I said I loved her and my brother more than I let on and while I was hurt, I’ll be fine and I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.

I confessed again to her my long-standing problems with depression, anxiety, and alcohol use. I know it troubles her to see me like this, like that, so I said I was sorry. From bottom of my heart I am. I can say I don’t always have the best habits or set the best example for my siblings and for that, I hope they forgive me for my misgivings and behavior. I said to her I was lucky to walk away from the accident and reassured her I would make some lifestyle changes.

She was on the verge of crying.

Later world. Daniel’s still here, alive, but just slightly bruised. Nice try.

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The Aftermath

It’s the second day after my horrific accident. I honestly cannot remember what happened that night or the day after that well. Amnesia is scary and only gets worse the harder you think out all the events into place.

For whatever dumbass reason, I forgot to bring my phone with me that night. I guess I thought a quick trip to the store would be no big deal, right? I always avoid the busier streets anyway and opted for the smaller hidden ones. This however, would cause the accident that completely left me knocked out unconscious. I don’t remember the impact, only waking up to police asking if I was okay. I very much wasn’t. My car hit a deep pothole and had me colliding with the tree, sidewalk and a parked car. The air bag deployed which helped to keep my face relatively injury-free. I do have a bruise on my forehead to the right of me and my chin feels like it’s about to crumble, but I walked away from this — almost unscathed. My hips hurt but I don’t think anything is misaligned.

Who called 911 if I didn’t have my phone on me? My car did. It sensed the collision and rang up emergency services without my intervention. Technology came to my rescue and my God I’m thankful to be alive. I’d probably never buy a different brand car ever again. My life was spared. I’m taking tomorrow off just to keep my mind from getting too stressed.

Is it weird that is what it takes for me to have a few days off? Yeah, I’ll admit it’s highly unique and circumstantial. I needed this and tomorrow is a other beautiful day ready for the taking. I already have another car planned for purchase. I hit rock bottom — in the literal wheel hitting gravel sense, but things are already looking up. To tomorrow and many more to come.

Later world. I’m alive.

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It Was Nice While It Lasted

What do you get when you have shitty roads and car with low profile tires: a totalled vehicle. The car I bought less than 2 months ago crashed violently into the curb, a tree and a parked car in front.

Fuck me right? It’s gonna be a total loss and now I have to go about buying another. Good grief. Can everything stop fucking with me ready?

I had a mild concussion and am still recovering. That’s what happens when your head smashed into a steering wheel. I’m uncharacteristically stuttering a lot with each sentence but I’ll have a doctor check me up for anything serious. Fuck this shit.

Later world.

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Looking Back at the Decade

I find it hard to believe 2010 was almost ten years ago. Where did all the time go and so suddenly? I feel these past ten years were some of the most turbulent but important years of my life. Wild, but sobering. Drunk and sedated. Lonely but smiling. Laughing but resentful. These states make no sense, but how do you summarize ten years into a few short paragraphs?

It would be the first year I’d live my life without my Grandpa. He was taken from me, from us, from her, and the shock was hard and pain. Suffering felt immediate and my world was overcome with grief. My grandparents were a pair and without the other, my Grandma became angry at the world. She did not hold back and neither did I. How the most beloved person you hold so dear to you could be the first to go is something I had a hard time comprehending. Words cannot express the loss felt of missing someone closest to you.

Anger left me different — resentful to say the least. I gave up knowing I felt on my own and lonely. No words of guidance or assurance was seen or heard from anyone. I wandered and went nowhere. I dropped out of college and spent all my time getting drunk and went to every party that landed on my news feed. It was fun for a while, why wouldn’t it? It kept my mind preoccupied and sedated. Thoughts became none and I loved it — for now.

Going back to school was immensely difficult. I already knew I was behind and classes felt immensely difficult. They were. I had no idea how to resume life and did everything I possibly thought would help stuff sections of information in my brain. I was riddled with anxiety and every failing mark on a paper or exam hurt.

It would be the very first time I felt I wanted to leave this world early and by my own hands. Anyone who has these thoughts should honestly not let them linger and boil over. It’s poison in the mind that slowly makes you want to act on your thoughts. I pray no one does if you’re reading this.

As difficult as school was, once I figured out how to study again, classwork became routine. The resentment inside me never left, but at least my grades improved drastically. My first few serious relationships we’re all during the first half of the decade and my God did I love them all.

Love returned, but not without consequence. We dated, hanged out, met this person and that person, and shared every inconceivable secret with each other. Every woman was unique and different. There were sweet, but subtle quirks with each one of them. Makes me smile even now to think back at it all.

I found out you should not love someone if you do not love yourself. A bit the hard way. The first relationship went and came quickly. Too fast and too soon. I lashed out at her with all the fury one man could for being so deep in pain. I’m sorry. But I never told her that. She was a doll, but I was a monster undeserving of her. Lesson learned? Maybe not.

Dating itself could be its own chapter riddled with notes and annotations left pilled up high. Not everyone is sincere and as fun as it is to do dinner and movie, sometimes it just won’t work out no matter how positive the outlook seems. The very person smiling in front of me could have other motives and while as awful as it is to think back, I needed that. Don’t be so naive or feel the need to have to be with someone. Remain honest even if they aren’t. You quickly we through the mask and bullshit.

I had this all too close relationship with alcohol. Did anyone suspect a problem? Hell no. College years, I was just seen as the socialble one. At home alone, I down 40 after 40 and felt the warm bliss of blacking out and not knowing what day it was in the morning. I have a spreadsheet of all the times I went and bought alcohol or any other illicit substance from the first half of the decade saved on my computer. Let’s just say I squandered away thousands. Ouch.

I would say my night time habits didn’t catch up to me until 2015. But once it did, it hit my body hard. I felt slow, my body ached, and my chest was constantly pounding. I chalked that up to anxiety, but honestly, I was full of shit. I knew what was happening and I came up with excuses to not stop. I’m still working on this, but I’ll freely admit it’s gotten so much better with time.

Working in the real world was interesting to say the least. I’ve only had office jobs and many came and went. I’ve had places and co-workers I wish would burn to the ground of have an anvil fall on them, but that’s beside the point. Find a job or career was challenging, but definitely not as bad as everything else I’ve touched on. If you don’t like where your at, just quit. Have a buffer or safety net in place to keep you going until the next one and keep trying. It’ll be scary, unknown, but worth getting yourself out of an unwanted environment. You work to make money, and if the money doesn’t justify staying there, leave.

I’m thankful life the last couple years have been great and much progress has been made. Goals have been reached and I’m no longer that awful person I once became trapped in. I tell no lies and remain sincere, even of it makes me look bad. I think that’s honestly all I want from all my friends or people I’ve seen — sincerity is paramount. I’ve come to realize that it’s not able making yourself look good and hiding all you flaws, but about being your whole self. I’m an unfinished work in progress and I make no claims to be perfect any time soon.

This year has been one of the best yet. I was with someone seriously for once. We hit it off and I enjoyed our time together. No it didn’t last but I was honest about what I wanted out of it or where I saw us going. Work got in the way, but I gave her a heads up. After some months, we stopped. It was for the best and would have been fair to autopilot this relationship with her. Bad timing? Maybe. Was it a fun time? Most definitely.

I don’t know what the next ten years hold, but anyone reading this, I hope you keep moving forward. The trajectory is unknown, but I hope nothing stops you from the journey of life. It’s hard, it’s painful, it’s loving and addicting. Best thing I ever did was want to wake up for tomorrow. There is only half a month left and I’m hopeful as ever. Later world. You have been one hell of a wild ride. I love it.

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Keyword: Frustration

Frustration: the feeling of being upset or annoyed, especially because of inability to change or achieve something.
“I sometimes feel like screaming with frustration”

This sums up my day perfectly. I couldn’t for the life of me get the new office phone to work today. My coworker at our New Jersey branch blasted my phone at 5 AM and would not stop for whatever reason. Last I checked, I told everyone in the East Coast to respect the time difference and wait until they needed my help.

So they didn’t — but my God does that irritate me to no end. Am I supposed to be awake at 5 AM for them? Are you fucking kidding me? I honestly shouldn’t be so upset but this week just irks me to no end.

My manager told me I’m due for another 10% raise next quarter. Cool. Does that fix the fact that some co-workers are disrespectful? Not the slightest. I’m dead and feel like life is purposely doing whatever it can today to pull me down. I feel like I’m drowning inside, sans water, oceans, rivers, or water.

Apparently, I’m now promoted to “executive”. That’s cool on read on paper or a new fancy business card that costs 5 cents a piece, but it’s not without a few people giving me a long glare. It’s odd how office culture works sometimes. Hate me all you want I guess.

My best friend will be back this month and we’ll catch up again, which is something I’m definitely looking forward to. That motherfucker lost like half his body mass recently and I’m impressed at his commitment to keeping the weight off. I remember visiting him earlier this year and was shocked the at the sudden but welcomed transformation.

People do change and I love that about them. Keeping me in the loop and a random how are you text brightens up the day. I’ve had some friends I haven’t seen in person for several years and we magically find the time to keep in touch. That I’m extremely thankful for. For that reason, the internet and social media isn’t all bad. Makes me smile to think they even care to keep me in their thoughts.

With that, later world. Tomorrow is Friday and I’m ready to finally get some sleep and put this entire week behind me. Onwards and up.

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SOS Help Me

I found out today by the ever so lovely company account I have a huge tax problem upcoming. In all honesty, we, meaning me, should have consulted someone before transferring an entire fucking company to my name, but ignorance is bliss (almost). Worst case scenario, I get a letter in the mail from the IRS. She assured me this is fixable and my God, I hope so too.

I’ve been driving this stupidly slow and Dad-vibes Jetta for the better part of tbe week and it’s somewhat grown on me. That eco button on the center console is no joke. Literally don’t have to fill up much to get from point A to B. Supposedly I get my much preferred and fixed Golf GTI back tomorrow and I’m really hoping that’s true. No one kill my vibe, okay?

Am I tired, weak, and riddled with insomnia? Yes, all of the above. I think the shining light out of all these issues is my co-workers have been pretty supportive of my new business venture and have nothing but encouraging.

I was designing a website today and noticed all the missing pages and sections are much like life. It’s all a work in progress. You fill in all the pieces and images eventually, but you’re never quite satisfied later on. Anyone content is just not seeing the improvements to be made or their full potential. What a beautiful, yet geeky way to preoccupy my mind about life.

Also, everyone this time of the year keeps asking who the hell I’m seeing now or what happened to this person or that. Is it really my obligation to tell them my personal dating life and who I’m seeing — seriously or not? Typical office gossip bullshit, but really — I’m not going to be engaged any time soon. Why the urgency and rush all of a sudden?

I’m fucking 28 going on thirty. Make about 40% more than the median household income in my town, and have not the slightest idea why I’m not content yet. Talk to my expensive therapist, my ultra highly rated physician, my dermatologist, or some other shrink I see every few months and maybe they’ll have some idea how to fix me.

Work isn’t great but it keeps me busy and my mind away from these types of thoughts. I did a good deed this month and bought my baby sis and brand new MacBook for her birthday without even questioning that decision. Shit. I remember buying some piece of shit barely functional laptop with a measly 2 hour battery life back when I decided to go back to college and get my life together. I think I’ve come a long way and as some say, the journey continues. Stay humble, keep moving forward, and keep the past away from seeing the future.

2020 — I’m optimistic yet terrified for my own self. How amusing and strangely contradictory.

Later world.

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Sweet Love

It’s my Grandma’s birthday. I love her so much and words cannot express how much she means to me. She’s made such an impact in my life I couldn’t thank her enough. From walking me to school, to talking about the good old days when Grandpa was still with us, we share a bond no other woman and I know could have. It brings her so much joy to see her grandchildren together to celebrate this special day.