As someone who occasionally finds himself feeling depressed for whatever reasons the magic of the brain brings, the current state of the world doesn’t alleviate those feelings. Rents are high, good paying jobs are rare, and anyone telling you otherwise is full of shit. People my age are getting more anxious and depressed — which is disheartening to read.
I deleted my Facebook the other month and was amazed I had anything representing myself online for so long — 12 years to be exact. I find the platform nothing more than a ad network masquerading as a place for friends and family to reconnect. It’s a relic of the Myspace era only by name with nefarious means used by the corporate elite. I can be called a hypocrite considering a couple years ago I owned Facebook stock.
What does everyone my age do with their free time? There’s work, but after 5 PM, I can’t imagine wanting to turn up with how tiring the day is. Lives run separate and my closest friends are either too busy to do anything social or too broke to have the means to do it. I spend most my day slaving away in front of my computer and would rather not continue that watching TV or whatever hot Netflix show I need to binge on. Hint: I don’t like television. It’s all garbage, but I’m sure many can disagree. It’s not my cup of tea so let’s leave it at that.
In my free time, I have the weirdest of hobbies. I tend to spend inordinate amounts of time looking at stocks and reading on the latest news on market trends. Some call it boring, but it’s something I dare say I’m passionate about. This month alone, I was up 17% and even down far enough into the single digit negatives. It almost feels like a game some days with how the market swings on a single tweet by Trump. I told my coworker the other day I’m broke every month and carry no standing cash in the bank, which seemed to confuse her. On paper, I have assets — just nothing in fiat. There’s a good reason. A few years ago, I realized you can’t spend money if you have none of it in the bank. For that reason, I spend almost all of paycheck purchasing various stocks and real estate to “park” it for safe keeping.
If it works, don’t change it. Right? Later world.
Drift with me and maybe we’ll go,
Farest reaches of the beyonds we know,
Heaven in the skies and far below,
How the times have changed like droves,
I see the face of a thousands smiles,
Hands to the end and by my side,
Let her go til we die,
An angel from the skies living a lie,
I hear a echo from the ghost,
Hear her follow from the ocean coast,
Cascades of waves of the sea like rose,
Mercy feeling dying with no hope,
I see ghosts but only in the mind. Everyone wants what they don’t have. Perhaps I want what I can’t relive. Time doesn’t heal all wounds.
I wish you knew,
I wish you cared,
Chrome hearts lies of the feelings true,
Tell me now,
Tell me what’s new,
Drifting hearts of the heaven’s blue,
Skies of the moon,
And the seashore cruise,
Longing for the for the castaway’s cruise,
How I wished,
How it was news,
Echos for the lonely hearts blues,
The past has a way of sneaking back into your life. Old feelings for a new person — haunting you like a ghost that’s never left.
I feel for feelings,
Twinkle lights of the evening,
Diamond rings for never leaving,
Tell me why couldn’t be without reason,
I see eyes that haven’t seen me,
Many years gone and I’m not weary,
How you came and went like the season,
We were fairy tales without merry endings,
Today was bloody awful, but this poem almost gets my mind away from it. My co-worker said I had the calmest voice out of everyone she speaks to. My day was made.
Saying goodbye or lack of thereof. My co-worker quit today in a fit of rage. It’s sad to see considering he’s been with the company since it opened. He’s one of the original few when we were nothing more than a garage-like operation masquerading as a full fledged business. He did give his two weeks notice beforehand, but after today’s impromptu meeting with my boss, he left without a single goodbye to anyone and walked out the door.
It sucks. Generally, when I see people come and go, I stop and wonder if there was something I’m not seeing that they had. Almost everything is told to me by all the people that work in our office, but you never know. Things can turn sour real fast and gone are they like the grievances they had.
Bridges were burned and I’ll have to come in early tomorrow to make a backup of this computer before I reset it. I suppose this is just another fact of life. People come and people go — even those you were close to and befriended.
Office life in a nutshell. Here today. Gone tomorrow.
Getting older has many positives. You tend to see the world with a different perspective and you’re less naive — meaning you see right through bullshit. It’s great. Not taking everything at face value means you can take care of yourself and not be so easily manipulated.
I tend to freak out seeing all the signs of aging time slowly but surely brings. My hair is getting grayer. My body feels more tired after a long week and I definitely can’t get away with eating bad anymore. Next month, I have my usual eye exam to see if I’m inching towards having glaucoma. The thought is more terrifying than the actual examination. Is it no wonder people have more anxiety nowadays?
The other week it hit me I’m at the lowest amount of debt I’ve had since 2013, which honestly sounds kind of sad. The cost of education started this long drawn out process of repayments and interest rates, but it was worth it. Learning to have a strong focus and determination is something valuable lifelong. Was it worth it? Hell yes.
I somehow live in the present, but my mind is stuck wandering into the past. It’s nice to see how far I’ve come, but perhaps I need to stop day dreaming. I’m awake, but I’m dreaming. I’m quietly working, but my mind is shouting. My mouth makes words, but I have more to say.
I think if I was doing as well as I am a few years ago, I’d think I was on top of the world. Unfortunately, I don’t. I read an article the other day that said how some people find themselves forever trapped in the loop of wanting more. Say I reached the top at one point — eventually, the feeling goes away and there’s a higher plateau to climb up. I want more, but I know I shouldn’t. It’s an uneasy predicament I’m faced with every year with seemingly no end in sight. My head tells me I could work a little harder and with enough determination, I’d reach a new high. This is both good and bad — but mostly bad in that I may never feel content with myself.
Maybe I just naturally gotten use to overachieving. It’s has a few advantages with a strong work ethic one of the better qualities to have when I find myself buried in work at the office. My grandfather use to tell me over and over hard work pays off in the end. He isn’t wrong, just I tend to not give myself a much needed break when my body tells me no more.
I think anyone who finds themselves at the top should stay put and stop to smell the roses. Enjoy the moment a little longer before wandering up the imaginary social ladder. Whatever goes up must come down and my problem right now is I can’t fathom wanting to look any direction but up.
2019 — When I realized I wanted too much and I can’t tell myself no.
I wish you could see me,
Eyes looking away to deceive me,
Tell me what’s the reason,
The torment is so long it’s beneath me,
I can can’t feel more feelings,
Numbness overtaking like the season,
Our hearts were treason,
Is there love without the feelings?
How dare you deceive me,
Silence in the wind this season,
Falling for love is beneath me,
Eyes dreams and tears of what were we,
I hear no melody,
Times of we were gone so suddenly,
I heard you call without a reason be,
How two souls lost could fade so suddenly,
Dreamed for what could and happily,
Far from real or reality,
Gone in my eyes and away so helplessly,
Darling — remember me,
To all my readers and followers,
My best poems come without much thought. Something so raw, pure and visceral it flows naturally without a second thought or guess. I love it. I hope you enjoy it as well.
Don’t be so mad at the world.
There are far too many factors and situations out of your control. Any number of unfortunate events isn’t the result of karma or bad luck. Life is naturally going to throw shit in your face. Best thing you can do is push forward knowing there’s always tomorrow.
The sun may not always be sunny like it is in the summer, but behind every cloud is a ray of sunshine — hidden. Don’t find ways to blame or reasons to be angry. Take it upon yourself to carry yourself into the next day, over the hurdle, and into the horizon.
Life can be such a bitch, but it’s not going to stop for you unless you want it. Live, love, develop, and take everyday as another step up.