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Baby…

I see the face of a thousand lives,

Scarlet rose without a petal for mine,

Was it fate to know we tried,

For a hundred times,

Broken love for the passing time,

The clock hits twelve on the and where we lie,

Lonely hearts that weep and cry,

Call me a monster until I die,

Baby — no more tears and endless cries,

—–

Give her the world and all the oceans within, and just maybe she’ll change her mind.

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Letting Go: Anger, Resentment & Solace

People tend to tell me a lot of things. It’s one of the caveats to being a trusted confidant when you yourself is so open about your life — both successes and failures. I have a co-worker who has told me much about her past — mainly the not so delightful relationships she’s encountered with some men. It’s tragic in many ways to hear how wronged she was, but nevertheless, life goes on. Or does it?

I’ve noticed she, like many others, hold a lot of hostility from their past grievances with their partners.

Fuck him.

It’s a abundantly clear time has not yet simmered down their feels for that person. But it should. I’d be hard pressed to believe the other party even thinks of them as negatively as they do or preoccupy so much of their mind. In other words, don’t give them anymore or your time, if they likely don’t have a thought of yours.

Letting go is one of the few things in life only accomplished the long and difficult way. No amount of reading or advice makes it easier or faster. It’s the loudspeaker in your head that becomes deafening at high volumes. At the beginning, you’re engulfed in chaotic noise, but with some time, it should be no more than a annoying buzz. It might be a oversimplification of the processes that make bad thoughts become easier, but I hope the idea is there.

I’ve have a few bad times. Several years have passed and it’s no more than just an inconvenience I faced relative to where I am now. There were times I was wronged, belittled, attacked, and berated, but coming to terms with what transpired made it all better. I can’t say there’s a path one can take to find inner peace with themselves or let go of the past that so easily makes a return, but anything less is a life of hardship and turmoil. Skeletons in the closet should remain boarded shut and forgotten. Time waits for no one. Might as well see the light — find it now rather than never.

I can say with all sincerity I harbor no negative feelings for anyone no matter what transpired previously. The journey of life is perilous and all I can do is take each day with a new perspective. It’s all about how you perceive it — positivity is medicine for all wounds — physical and emotional.

I don’t hate, I don’t despise, and I sure don’t anchor on to any point in the past. By some stroke of fate my time here is cut short and I’m moments from leaving this realm, I know I’ll calmly close my eyes and feel at peace with the world. I don’t need a last minute confession or a few last words. That is not how I or anyone should go out.

See life for what it is. To some it’s a journey. To me is a voyage at sea. No matter what, find solace and let go. Later world.

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Blindly Answer

I consider myself an open book. If this blog I’ve been so meticulously crafting through out the years wasn’t obvious, I don’t have many hesitations to letting it all go public. Some of my private and deepest thoughts have been posted online for all to read. I’m the same way in real life, but it’s not without a huge pitfall I’ve overlooked.

On our way back at night, my best friend was asking about a girl I was seeing. I’ve told him a few details about our dates and meet ups, but something was amiss. He told me bluntly, “just because you have nothing to hide doesn’t mean she has the right to ask you about it.”

It got me thinking. Does someone knowing you’re an open book give them the right to ask you about something personal? Something rather rude? I’m partially to blame for this after all. When does 21 questions lead to being nosey? I’ve been blindly answering without much thought to the other person’s intentions and been completely oblivious.

Well fuck me. Later world.

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The Other Side

My mom’s side of the family moved to the US last year from China. It’s been interesting getting to know them to say the least. There’s a lot of cultural differences between them and my dad’s side of my family — considering they’ve been here for the better part of 30 years. One thing has been apparent as I’ve gotten to know them. Most of their communication errs on the side of condescension — meaning very patronizing. It’s off-putting to say the least.

I more or less do my own thing. Whether they agree or not isn’t something I consider or care much for. I’m sure a lot of people listen to what their family tells them or advises, but my family unfortunately doesn’t have a good track record for this. I fly solo — so to speak.

In life, the less you care or think about what others say, the better overall you feel. It’s something to tend to realize more when you get older. When you’re young, you have a tendency to want others to see one version of you — maybe to appease them or something of your own insecurity. It’s the pitfalls of being young and not yet fully mature or an adult.

The quicker you come to terms with how you are naturally, the better life tends to treat you. Make what you will of it and it’s soon your oyster. I can admit with out hesitation I’m a work in progress and everything up to this point in my life is a product of my own doing. All my actions lead me to here and I’m thankful to be where I want to be. Yeah — I can be extremely arrogant, obnoxious if you catch me on a bad day, intimidating, or worse — ungrateful for the things I have. At least I’m aware and can admit it to be true.

It’s the reason I’ve been so close with my beloved grandma, aunts, and uncles from my dad’s side of the family. They realize I am the black sheep of the family and all my accomplishments are my own — no help given. A few kind words of encouragement became the catalyst to send me on the right path, but it I was a journey I traveled alone.

I can’t imagine what life holds for me, but I have an idea. Just try and stop me. Later world.

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The Never Ending Top

If there was ever a race to the finish line in life, it would be one I dare not cross. There really is no end goal with living and having some overarching goal or accomplishment that somehow “completes” it seems like a silly concept. Who really knows what they’re doing anyway? Do people not get up in the morning to jobs they dislike or wander aimlessly through life with no clear course? It seems apparent that we can all be wanderers with the illusion of direction.

I remember once as a kid, I tried walking up an escalator that was traveling down — not up. As fast as I could, I could see myself reaching the top. Yet, before I could make it all the way, fatigue slowed me down and I was slowly brought back down to where I began. Perhaps this is life in a nutshell.

I find myself in constant motion every month. I have a tendency to be over-analytical with my goals and priorities. If I ask myself every morning, “What the fuck am I doing?” I have just a small sense of dread and unease come over me. Short-term goals are usually much easier to conceptualize.

  • pay off remaining debt
  • save $XXXXX amount
  • find an apartment
  • raise revenue for the company by X%
  • run 5K daily
  • write everyday

These are just some of the things I do or work towards every day since this year began. Everything is straightforward because I don’t need to plan too far into the future. Long-term goals for this reason take a world of more effort. They are infinitely more grand and in my case requires multiple steps to reach the top — if there was one.

  • make $XXXXX amount per year
  • put away $XXXX per month to buy a house
  • raise credit score to 8XX

At first glance, it’s all sense to be about numbers and money. I’ll admit that to be obvious. Most things I want require a good chunk of change to reach the goal — err lifestyle I have in mind. It’s for a good reason after all. Buying a home is not an easy feat and I’m usually checking housing prices every week. You can rent an apartment without much difficulty, but mortgages, down payments, credit scores, and savings take a few years. Funny thing is, I have yet to be overwhelmed at the thought. If the idea is still there in my mind after every month, then it’s a goal I’ll keep pursuing. Worst thing that can happen is I change my mind and I put all of it into retirement.

Seriously, why am I so neurotic over my goals? Later world.

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06/14/2019 @ 7PM

Rooftop dining is great when the night is warm. Two glasses of wine in, I felt hot. Go figure.

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Self-Reflection: Mid-2019

I’m under the impression most don’t bother to take a step back to smell the roses.

It’s quite easy to get caught in the the daily bustle of 9-5 and whatever else accompanies the night. Life continues onwards and lives slowly diverge. I can only imagine links becoming weaker with each passing year. For this reason, the rare occurrence of reconnecting remains elusive. I find myself caring less about what others do and post publicly. It remains a mystery why social media is still as popular as it is. I have my own life to worry about. Why be preoccupied with someone else’s?

I have a tendency to be overly critical of myself — which may be a source of contention between who I was and who I want to be. Two selfs of the same person from two periods of time. My friends like to point out I’m over planning to some degree for the future given the likelihood it won’t always pan out the way I imagined. That is true, but fuck me for trying, right?

More or less, I’m where I wanted to be a few years ago. My job is a career and I’ve been legally appointed President for our new sister label. Shit is pretty wild to think about and I don’t think the gravity of the situation has been felt just yet. I’m sure once I finally launch our new brand, I’ll have a new found appreciation for just how fortunate I have it. It’s funny. Earlier this year I told myself summer season was when the year peaks and I’m right on time.

The extra income would be nice too. I’ve been planning to buy a home for the better part of two years and haven’t had any intention of backing down just yet. There’s a few logistical issues involved with trying to come up with a-hundred grand on my own, but I think I have a good track record with my finances. I should really spend some time to reevaluate my motives for owning a home, other from the obvious bragging rights that come with being a millennial and a property to my name. Everyone would be impressed, but what would it do me?

Seriously. Maybe I’m just weird for having these thoughts. My friends don’t seem to get me anymore, which doesn’t help with finding solace in myself. At the very least, they’re just around for the show. Everyone more or less does their own thing these days and we don’t always have the time to socialize to the extent we once did. It feels like we’re flying solo, but what else is new.

It’s going to be a great year. Later world.

 

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Even Better News

My job is launching a new sister label to help bring in much needed revenue for the company. I’ll be listed as the owner and be responsible for all listings and sales. It’ll be my own personal project without any of the tax implications and liabilities.

Summer is looking pretty sweet. Stay humble. Stay focused.

Later world.

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Dreams, Meet Reality

Not too long ago, I had not the slightest idea what I was doing with my life and it didn’t scare me the least bit. Wandering is as much a part of life as finding your path among the chaos and darkness you encounter. With some effort involved and a bit of chance, I stumbled onto where I am now. Soon to be 28 with a good sizable number assets and goals reached. Fortunate is the word.

Back in high school, I couldn’t give two fucks about what the future held, mines, theirs or yours for that matter. It’s an interesting predicament I was in to care so little and not have the urgency to want to do more. Perhaps it was necessary to evaluate the goals I so helplessly lacked or send me to the bottom with just one option — an ultimatum by some. Some consider it a last resort.

I didn’t follow the crowd or do what everyone else wanted me to do or become. Call it the teenage rebellious years littered with anst and dread many movies like to stereotype, yet, it was true. My world came crashing and hard without anyone by my side to pull me from the drowning. I sank into the abyss but only managed to find myself cast ashore on a island for one. How eloquent, yet unbashful to admit. I fucked up and paid a price.

Some goals need reevaluating. You tend to be so narrow minded from your current perspective you fail to see other options and paths worth pursuing. I was nobody with nothing to my name, but I at least realized it. It’s sad, disheartening, and shameful to see everyone progressing further with their lives while you see yourself falling into the shadows you find solace in.

I was comfortable not caring, but I knew at least a few people close to me cared — cared enough to tell me in person and privately. For that, I’m blessed and felt less on my own and closer to the light — however dim it may seem from a distance. All I needed was to have a small glimmer and urgency to move forward. No matter what direction life could take me, I knew I had one motion in view and it was forward. Move onwards and don’t look back. You can call it my secret rule of life I never mention publicly to anyone except the tiny voice in my head.

College had its fair share of highs and bottomly lows, but I remained persistent. I fell in love a few times and felt the sting of the dagger through the heart relationships can bring. Yet, I found it just as important as the feelings and emotions love entails. I learned about myself and my intentions. Better yet, I realized if I was ready to love someone when loving myself was just as important. Love, for that reason, is not just singular and far from it.

With all the pain you endure in life, it tests your ability to see the light and find means of coping by yourself. Pain is unwanted, persistent, and long lasting. I found myself cracking a bottle daily and lost in the sweet bliss illicit substances bring. It’s the bitter-sweet allure of being torn between wanting to feel better, but losing yourself in the addiction numbness has over yourself. Escapism is met with more than one avenue. Naturally, not every door is one you should leave open.

Just as the doors open, they close and become boarded up with a handful of skeletons in the closet. Hidden from the world but not out of mind. I learned about self-forgiveness and how the untamed urges can lead to self-harm. I bare no scars from this era, only mental footnotes of just how far I was willing to push my luck every night.

I did a number of things over the years that would disappoint and raise a few eyebrows. That can never be undone. I’ve hurt others and felt pain myself. I can admit not every action can be undone or be forgiven for. I felt bad then but now it’s merely a speck of sand at the bottom of the hour glass.

My name is Daniel — welcome to my world.

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Seriously, Why So Angry?

Is everyone angry these days? The other day I was heading to the gym and made my way to the entrance. I saw in the reflection a woman behind me so naturally, I got the door for her. What followed made no sense.

“I can get the door myself, thank you very much.” She said it with such anger and hostility, it startled me. Call me crazy, but when did the simple act of holding the door for someone become reason to be hostile? Would having the door slam in her face been the better course? This isn’t the first time I’ve dealt with this sort of behavior from a random person.

One time, a lady plowed right into me walking at mall and proceeded to scream, “Watch where the fuck you’re going!” I walked away without giving her a response but it’s the rudeness some people exhibit that troubles me. Manners and civility seems to be lacking in the present world. It’s really makes me wonder if some people are walking around with a chip on their shoulder awaiting any kind of reason to be confrontational.

Say it againt so. Later world.