The food was excellent. Wine was most necessary.
Honestly, my week is going great. My mood is at an all time high and work has been going pretty smoothly. If there was ever a feeling closest to cloud nine, this would be it. One of my dearest friends will be in town and we’ll finally be able to see each other to catch up. I haven’t seen her in what feels like an eternity plus one. This was the best news I heard all week and I’m incredibly excited.
I’ve been going to the gym twice a day and running outside whenever the weather permits. Seriously, it feels good to put in the extra miles. It’s good to sweat. Indeed.
I sincerely hope this year is the best one yet. I can’t see why not. There are multiple things in the works and if my planning is as good as it usually is, I’ll have another stellar year. By the end of this year, I’ll hopefully have a new car, new place, extra income, and a whole lot more to brag about.
Stay humble of course. Later world.
Independence is kinda expensive. I’ve been planning the big move and now I’ve decided on buying a new car, a Volkswagen Golf GTI. Fuck me right? My two seater convertible is about as practical as a go cart used only to pickup groceries. In hindsight, practically should have been thought about. That’s life for you. Given no debt by the end of the year, my costs would break down as follows (partially):
- Rent: $1375/month for a studio apartment
- Initial Deposit: $1375 OAC
- Cost of Furniture: $1000 (sofa, bed, TV, desk, side table, etc.)
- Car Payment: $350/month for 36 months
- Car Insurance: $125/month
- Cell Phone: $45/month
- Internet: $35/month
I would need almost $4k just to move out and live comfortably, including about twice a years worth of rent as a buffer / safety net for any unfortunate circumstances. Cost of furniture could be cut down substantially if I bought most of the necessities second hand, but this is a worst case scenario. My friends even agreed to pay me back the $2K I lent them, which is helpful.
I call this a small price to pay for independence. Does it deter me? Not really. Fight me world.
My dad complains a lot. Basically, about everything in his not so great life. He hasn’t worked for months and by my watch, hasn’t really been trying to look for a job. He sits at home waiting for his meager unemployment check to come. I recall as a kid, my dad specifically mentioning not to let others know what he did or how we lived. As I got older, I realized he told me so because he himself knew he was nobody — someone who has always been angry at the world.
My mom hasn’t worked a day in her life and complains about wanting a bigger apartment. She’s quite a bitter lady. I’ve never understood this about her. From what I’m told, she’s never had much an education, but insists she’s always right. Give me a break. She’s been absent, unrelenting, and the fire that ravages much of everything it touches.
My sister stopped working the past few years and is known to spend loads of money on expensive designer purses and bags. We’re talking in the price range of $1500-2000. It’s rediculous. Recently, she complained her waitressing position keeps getting pushed back and she no longer gets financial aid. Somehow, she feels wronged. As if the world put her in this position.
My brother, whom I seldom speak about, dropped out of college and has no intentions of ever returning. He complains about life and how he feels everyone is attacking him. He’s lazy.
Frankly, I could go on and on about my “family”. I’m amazed I was born into this world full of people who feel the world is against them. Somehow, their current situation isn’t a product of their own doing. Life is beating down on them and they bare no responsibility for their lives.
When I finally make it out of here, it will be the best feeling imaginable. Misery loves company and I’ll gladly leave them be. Think of me what you will, but my reasons for wanting more and soon stem solely from people like them. The bitterness they have towards the world and lack of action to do anything — it’s pathetic. I can’t say I love them all the same, but there is a common theme. For anyone who’s been following my blog, perhaps I’m the outlier in this whole ordeal. Life is whatever you want it to be and I can’t stand being around people who wallow and weep. Later world.
I’m not too good at sleeping, which makes my 8AM-5PM schedule hard on my body. Wine helps, but some days, like this night, I wake up early. REM sleep doesn’t seem to be happening. Poor me.
When I’m met with this type of predicament, I let my thoughts trail off to whatever time period it finds itself. Music helps with my time traveling. I have one song in particular I rediscovered — Open Up Your Arms by Ren Harvieu. It’s beautiful.
This song gives me the chills and it has something to do with her voice. The hairs on my skin stand up and I suddenly feel colder. It’s amazing and intense. It was around June 2012 when this song was first released. At the time I felt on top of the world. I was in a good place in life — simply cloud nine.
The song’s lyrics are easy. A man and a woman are fighting and one of them wishes he’ll open up to her. She calls for him. It repeats “open up your arms” over and over hoping he’ll embrace her once more.
Open up your arms.
Let me in…
Let me in before it’s too late darlin’
Open up your arms.
Let me in…
Let me in…
Before it’s too late
I miss 2012. This was my anthem. Take me back. Later world.
There’s just 9 more days to go before half the year is over. I find it frightening how quickly it all seemed to fly by and vanish. Did I autopilot the entire length? Hell no. I have a tendency to believe I got nothing done without really giving the year a hard look. Perhaps it’s my way of not getting too comfortable with myself. After all, how could you aspire to do more without being a little discontent? Life comes at you fast — faster than you can anticipate the impact. Queue dramatic imagery of a car crash.
I’ve been seeing someone, there’s a great opportunity on the horizon for myself, and all the pieces have been magically falling into place. I feel like a million. For all that didn’t go well, I’m glad I remember to stop to smell the roses.
New Goals / Reminders for the Second Half of 2019
- Save more $$$
- Kind of a given and my friends tell me I’m the most financially secure of the bunch, but we agree to disagree. I read somewhere you ought to have somewhere around $10K saved up and no debt before moving out. The number sounds arbitrary. Coupled with the fact I picked an expensive city to live in later this year makes this ever more important. I don’t have too many possessions other than several boxes of clothes and a computer and iPhone, but fuck me for wanting to decorate my place with nice furniture. The mid-century modern look is always in.
- Cook more and eat out less
- I like nice restaurants, but do I need to indulge? Probably not. A glass or two of wine every date? I’ll let my feelings decide.
- Keep self-reflecting
- Stop to smell the roses. Being busy is good, as my Uncle tells me all the time, but getting lost in the daily bustle of work and little leisure is a recipe for disaster. Note to self: do not repeat last October.
- Keep it real
- Fuck me for using such low brow vocabulary, but honesty and sincerity needs to remain in the front seat. Be content with myself and history I have with the world and people past and present. Life goes in one direction — forward.
- Let go
- Shit happens and will continue to happen so as long as I’m alive and breathing. Let go of all the misfortunes and grievances from the past, present, and future. Don’t hate (anyone). The future waits for nobody.
- Eye on the prize
- Everything I’m doing is inching my way up towards buying a home. The thought of having a property to my name and my Grandma there to witness my success keeps me going — like the wick that burns violently towards the dynamite ready to explode any second. Victory is in sight. I don’t like Donald Trump as much as the next guy, but Christ is the stock market doing well.
- Keep writing daily
- I’ve accumulated so many journal entries since starting this blog, it feels routine. I think I’ve gotten better at transcribing my inside voice over time. I see no reason to stop and if anything, this can be parts of the book I’m working on. Currently, it’s several hundreds of pages long. Yikes or is it yay?
27 going on 30. What a trip. Later world.
The lights go on and the curtain forward.
A sea of people watch as the performance goes.
Smiles on stage, but another behind the veil.
A mask for the people.
Evidently, today was terrible. We have one annoying ass co-worker who likes to make their presence known — a commotion if you will. My thoughts are usually this: loudest one in the room is secretly the most insecure. I can’t be be the only person in the office who thinks this way. As busy as we all were frantically trying to get through this week, some people just a cause problem merely by existing. How exhausting.
I’m usually one to not cause a scene. My line of work is centered around my shiny MacBook and a pile of disorganized papers, printouts, and spreadsheets. It’s a chaos I find myself in everyday mixed in with the yawns of an early 8 AM arrival. For everyone else, we open at 9. Fuck me for being such an overachiever. I’m busy. Shut the fuck up.
Office work for me is much a realm of escapism. There’s a certain rush I get seeing sales come in. Downplaying my significance, it’s a game of numbers and I like it. Much like my stock portfolio I find myself checking through out the day, when the money comes in, it signals things are going well. I can’t say everything is perfect, but it’s a slow climb up to the top. I’m eagerly awaiting to launch our sister brand and really start to bring in the numbers. As they say, patience is a virtue.
If there’s any silver lining, I know today is just another in a long line of other terrible days. They’re dominos that topple over each other. The anticipation grows after the next until finally the last one falls.
The end is coming and soon my work will pay off. Later world.
Save me from myself,
Take me from the flood,
Fill my lungs with air,
And show me the light,
Give mercy on my soul,
Let heaven open up,
Tell the Lord I’m here,
And the night turn to day,
I was living for now,
The past as come back,
The tension within,
Just boiling inside,
Feel me calling for you,
An angel in the sky,
Fallen wings of the night,
I use to be deeply religious. Christian as a matter of fact. Although I’m no longer a believer, I find the imagery of religion quite moving — tranquil even. I don’t fear the top or the fiery depths below. Just see life for what it is — a long road into the unknown.
Summer is mere days away and this year has reached feverish highs. I’m in the process of finalizing the details for our new sister label and I’ll be at the helm as the owner and president. This is an incredible opportunity to the fix the mess I was presented since working at my current job and have it done exactly to my specifications. I feel blessed, worried, anxious, and a mild feeling of unease, but I’ll keep on pushing forward. I presented this idea to my boss about a year ago and for him and the owner of the company to instill their trust in me to get the ball rolling is a huge privilege.
I know there will be more hard and long days ahead of me, but if I remain focused on the goal, there’s nothing to prevent me from making it — so to speak. I was running the numbers through my head and this very well can be my ticket to owning my own home — sooner not later. I’ll never have to worry about looking for a job ever again, which is a load off my mind. I’ve had so many stints at various places in the past, the threat of not having a stable job has always lingered.
Everything I want is right in front of me. I just have to reach for it. Ride the wave and hope the top keeps coming.