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3 for 3: Try and Stop Me

I’ve had three goals in mind since starting this job which has now spiraled into a full career: the last one being purely for aesthetic reasons — fix my every so slightly crooked teeth. As of this week, I reached this goal. It’s fulfilling to say the least. Isn’t that what a large part of life is? Having goals and aspirations, then meeting them?

My friends seem impressed by the accomplishments thus far. Another big one was my recent trip to Washington, D.C to catch up with by best friend. You can say I’m on a roll and have no way of stopping the momentum. Most of my bills are paid off and all I have to worry about is this student loan which has since dwindled down more than 80% since my college years.

I read somewhere the average millennial has less than $1000 saved and carries $30,000 in student debt. It’s a frightening thought to be thrown into the real world and trying to make a name for yourself with the anxiety of owing money brings. Heck. Some just default and don’t pay back a dime. I had one friend who took it upon herself to ignore all the letters and notices she received and jump ship to South Korea of all places. That in my opinion was a stupid idea and just reeks of someone who isn’t willing to carry any real world responsibility. If you’re going to disappear, I guess why not leave the country.

She teaches English. We’re not friends anymore either, because fuck that shit.

Later world.

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Mortality

What does it mean to live?

You get reminded of your finite existence every now and again. The receptionist at my office was involved in a very serious accident with a drunk driver this Cinco de Mayo. Fuck that day.

It’s eerie to think we will one day cease to exist. That heartbeat is not forever and everyone you know and love will all have the same fate. It’s said humans are one of the few species in the animal kingdom to know of their fate. For that, the urge to live now and not later should be paramount.

That’s not to say everyone has the same view on life. You can spend years wandering without a clue of where to go and what life holds for you. It’s unfortunate the lives of many fall under this predicament. To live and without intent. To search without a purpose. To go day to day without meaning. Fuck that shit. It terrifies me.

Death doesn’t terrify me as much as it use to. More than likely, my close calls with the grim reaper have made me value living more than anything — pain and suffering included. It’s all a necessary evil that everyone has to face. Can a life of nothing but pleasure be one worth valuing? It doesn’t seem like a reality anyone should want. Paradise by all means is an illusion.

Once in a full moon, I tend to find myself surround by a group of friends who have their reasons for escaping from reality and into the sweet bliss alcohol and other illicit substances brings. There are many means to escapism. None I find particularly worth pursuing. I can’t partake for my own sake and safety. But it’s foolish to say we don’t connect on other levels. These guys just live in other realities below mine.

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The Dating Game

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There’s a show from the 60s and 70s that involved contestants answering questions in hopes of being picked on a date with the woman they’re responding to. The show’s premise is simple. Have her sit on one side of the wall, away from being seen as the men on the other side try to be smooth with their responses. It’s fun, a bit comical, and condenses complex cues and non-verbal behaviors for the sake of entertainment. It is indeed, a game of love — if you can call finding love through television appropriate. I love it.

Dating in the modern era is met with a few challenges. Hook up culture is everywhere and I feel most women I’ve met or interacted with have an unhealthy obsession with social media. There’s a need to show off to hundreds of your not so closest friends just where you’re eating, what you’re eating, and where the night takes you. It’s odd, very disconnecting to the other party, and feels off. Everyone wants to connect at any level, which means honesty hangs on a thin line. It’s disastrous and a let down come the third or fourth date.

I’m sure everyone who puts himself out there has few weird vibes about the person they’re seeing. I’d ask my male friends, but their opinions are skewed towards the typical male perspective.

“Bruh. But did you smash?”

I get nowhere with them, but luckily I’m close to a few other women whom I’ve known for several years. I tend to ask for their opinion above all and if they’re inclined to tell me to make a run for it, I’d do it. I’m thankful they’re looking out. All things considered, when you find yourself thrust into the rose colored world of love and feelings, you tend to overlook the obvious and down right ‘no’. I’ve avoided a few downward spirals and relationships built on falsehoods because of them. To say I’m lucky is an understatement.

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. But maybe third times the charm? Later world.

 

 

 

 

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Letting Go: An Open Letter

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Letting go is difficult.

I wouldn’t call this an open letter to the world to show what type of person I am when it comes to breaking off contact with someone I care about. Yet, from time to time, it happens because I want it to. I remember in great detail every woman I’ve seen, been with, loved, and cared deeply for. Years may pass, but I’m powerless stop something from triggering a memory with someone. It’s a blessing and curse to not forget. To somehow be thrown back in time where feelings existed, moments were made and captured, and the world seem small. It was a time less scary, less intimidating, and something of my oyster.

Attachment is a double edge sword. Days go by and they are all you think about. Just that one person who meant the world to you becomes a fixation of the mind. Call it a lingering ghost of the seasons past or the chill that startles the body when you least suspect it — love comes and goes. Feelings come and go. And friends do too. The reasons may vary. Some become overly dependent and risk their own self independence. Others find me a bother and it’s best I removed myself from their world and the chapters within for the sake of their own well-being. I give them the benefit of the doubt, but at a certain point, I find their antics annoying and extremely bothersome. It hurts to do so, as it’s not an easy feat to just want to let someone go from your mind and consciousness.

It pains me and perhaps it pains them too. I’ve seen about five women in the year I’ve started writing daily. Some were serious. Others were not. Compatibility was mixed. Regardless, I keep a nice memory to hold and hope they do too. I am incapable for harboring and carrying hostility or negative feelings for someone no matter what transpired in the heat of the moment. I’ve had my fair share of moments, words, and actions I wish I could take back. Yet, what’s done is done and there is no going back. Life is not a VCR with a rewind button as much as I want to revisit parts of my past. Offer an apology when needed had hope they understand and am forgiving. Better yet, learn to forgive yourself for the mistake too.

Knowing me, with enough time, I’d eventually rid myself of any lingering feelings towards someone, negative or not. I can’t say that is a positive attribute to have, as I’d likely be walking right back into the lion’s den without a sword or shield. But what do I know. I find it impossible to ignore a text or call.

Welcome to my world. I hope you enjoyed your stay on my little raft at sea. I’m not floating aimless without an idea of the destination.

Later world.

 

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Chapter 2

Life has a way of throwing me off some days. I can feel on the top of the world and then feel completely mentally drained on other days. Either way, it’s a rollercoaster of feelings, emotions, and a fair bit of stress that comes with adulting.

This month, I’ll be moving out to Los Angeles just outside of my hometown. I’m ridding myself of the 90% of the people who cause me issues. I’m relieved, excited, and somewhat nervous. My baby sister is upset I’m “bailing” but I can’t reasonably have her understand where I’m coming from. I feel gracious I have people who are looking out for me and taking me in like their own flesh and blood. It’s something I seldom see with my own immediate family all my life. What do they know? Fuck them.

Moving isn’t too difficult. I’ve had most my possessions in large containers since graduating college. Any unneeded junk or unused items have long been sold or given away to charity. I can’t stand a life of excess and the material. Having more isn’t making me any less stressed. It’s been the plan since I realized the very people who brought me into this world don’t have my best interest in mind.

Since the beginning of April, my dad has been without a job. You’d think someone approaching sixty would have his shit together, but he’s never been one to be independent and fend off the world without a bit of assistance. It’s been over thirty days and he hasn’t taken his stint of unemployment seriously, which has the added effect of completely rubbing me the wrong way. My dad is the anti-me and that’s not going to change. I don’t who that woman is he keeps talking on the phone for hours on end, but I and everyone else has their suspicions.

I’ve never been one to hold too much hostility for family. At the end of the day, they or I rather, is stuck with them for the foreseeable future. I find it necessary to let by bygones be bygones and just rid myself of any negative feelings for them in order to be the bigger man. I sent my parents a few thousand in cash to keep them afloat. Part of me has been torn on whether this will come back to bite me in the ass, as it is usually the case. My friends tell me I did the right thing as is the little voice in my head acting as my moral compass.

Just yesterday, my best friend told me his bank account was over withdrawn by several hundred and had no means of digging himself out of this debt. He was stressed and I can’t stand by knowing this is happening. I asked how much he needed and I just doubled it. Fifteen hundred dollars was sent to him on the spot. He was speechless, cried a bit, and I told him I would always have his back til the day I die because his is my brother. We stick together to the end.

Welcome aboard my little ship. I hope everyone is there with me no matter where we end up in the journey we call life.

It’s been an interesting month. Later world.