Perhaps I needed someone who was already of retirement age to tell me this, but I realized I’ve haven’t been looking out for myself. I tend to think I live a life of excess — or at least that’s what my friends believe. I have this and that, but I worked for it. I’m not bothered by the sudden realization. I like new perspectives. I’ve been too kind to others and it’s time I do me.
It doesn’t make me selfish. I’m just looking out for myself. If you’re someone I care about, I won’t stop caring. It’s just I need to focus on myself more. I’ve been too honest with everyone when they haven’t been with me. I’ve overlooked the obvious and give too many passes when it wasn’t justified. I’ll be your brother’s keeper, but within reason. The clock is ticking and I feel my personal goals are slipping little by little each month.
To simply put it. I have no time for others who can’t take care of themselves. I can’t stand those who wallow in their misery and bring me down by association. I care, just not now.
Dearly beloved of the troubled soul,
My heart yearns for no other like amber rose,
I call forth darling yet no one knows,
Was the time we had so long ago,
Just a fling or something old?
Feelings come and sometimes go,
Yet the night keeps calling from the passing glow,
Reasons lie like the drifting coast,
Tempest storms with not a shore,
Castaway alone with a boat,
Sitting here on this open cove,
Dearest darling from long ago,
You came and gone like a passing ghost,
They say diamonds are forever, yet love isn’t unbreakable. Feelings are truly temporary in the worst of circumstances. And to think I almost got married several years ago. I don’t wonder what if. It was foolish of me.
It’s been 10 years since I graduated high school. Yay? There’s a reunion coming up and it got me thinking. Why the hell would anyone want to revisit their high school years? Is it odd I think high school was four years of constant dicking around without any idea of what to do? I remember people weren’t exactly friendly either. Days were filled with the stereotypical drama which seems stupid now that I look back it. I remember some people completely fucked up and got their girl friends pregnant. As it recall, it was babies having babies.
My high school was ghetto as fuck. One year we were on lockdown due to pipe bombs being found on campus and on Main St. It was wild and pretty much summarized the type of atmosphere the campus had. Everyone wanted to fit in and be cool — whatever the fuck that still means and at any means necessary. It’s the typical teenage mentality.
I was by no means a good student, I failed a few classes and had summer school — which was kinda entertaining. I say that because more than half my class over the summer obviously didn’t want to be there and the poor teacher who had to instruct us was more about “fuck it” then actually doing their job. Everyone passed, but it was undeserved. At one point over the summer, someone thought it would be funny to pull the fire alarm everyday. It had gotten so bad, they slapped black tar on the handle to catch the perpetrator. My summers weren’t boring, but my God did it feel like a waste of time.
Ten years feel like an eternity ago and I think I’ve made a lot of progress in the life department. I’m still working at it and not remotely done or satisfied, but the motivation is there. Some want to relive the glory days of being a teenager, while I’ll have to offer a firm but hard no. I felt like nobody and I’m glad I got the fuck out of there. I let go and hope others do too.
There’s really never a dull moment throughout the week or month. Like today for instance. We fired two employees at our other office in Georgia — let’s just say they didn’t take it so well. We just opened up the office here too which means there isn’t much of a proper procedure for this type of situation. They left the office with a set of keys, computers with deleted files and passwords missing. What the fuck, right?
As the IT guy, this made my morning stressful and difficult. Being that I already had a laundry list of tasks to complete, their lack of decorum in taking the sudden notice of being unemployed didn’t sit too well with me. As I was frantically doing damage control once again, minutes felt like seconds, but just before lunch, the fire was put out — so to speak.
I’m still amazed some people go this far to sabotage our small operation, but people tend to surprise me all the time. I went for a walk to relieve any lingering stress and just clear my head. Work can be such a bitch — and that’s an understatement.
There’s bound to be more days just like this, but I wouldn’t expect anything less. If I think about it, I’m really not one to like having everything too easy. Without days like this and life’s ups and downs, I don’t think I’d ever appreciate those few short moments of clarity when the dust settles.
Anyone plan goals for the beginning and the middle of the month? I had one goal so far — run at least twice a day every Saturday and Sunday. I feels good to get in the miles and I have a new found appreciation for how well kept my local park is. It’s spotless. With the middle of the month approaching, I feel I’m at odds with myself. Simply put it, I’m out of ideas. Should I break a habit, take up a hobby, or reinvest for the bazillionth time?
Short term goals are somewhat easy in my opinion. It’s quick and relatively obtainable. More long term goals come and go. I have the full support of my friends on buying a house or condo, but it’s difficult to conceptualize once I have enough money saved. I want it now, but plans change and I can just as easily drop this idea if something else preoccupies my time.
It would be incredible to say I bought my own property at under 30 and not pay rent for some place I won’t ever own. I’m only worried if my idea from the start was for the right reason. There’s a lot of bragging rights and fame that comes with pulling this off. My friend’s mom brought this to my attention a while back. She asked one hard question: Why this city versus all the other ones? Perhaps she’s onto something. The surrounding areas aren’t as full of art, music and history. I could definitely get more for my money and have just of a good time staying put in my hometown seeing as how Main St has been commercialized heavily the past several years. It’s nice to see, but just as jarring. My town had not much to do for as long as I can remember and what felt like overnight, exploded with new buildings and restaurants.
Is it still home? Yes, of course. Do I want to stay put in the familiar confines of the city? No. The buildings are new, but the town is the same. It’s just not my cup of tea. It’s usually the thought I have when deciding where I want to buy in. If I’m going to drop $100,000 on a down payment on a place that’s close to half a million, I should have no hesitations about the neighborhood and the people.
I’m still actively looking at the housing marketing and saving as much of my income I can, but only time will tell if and when I pull the trigger. In the meanwhile, it’s back to the office with my otherworldly pursuits.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month. I’ve been no stranger to feeling sad, off, or have prolong feelings of melancholy that seem to make the days drag on. They say the depressed see the world in duller tones — which I can attest to be true. Once in a blue moon, I feel myself at the depths of despair even though, by all accounts, life is going smoothly. I have a nice job, car, a few nice possessions, friends that care about me, and people that I can reach without much trouble. I’d trade all my worldly possessions for the relationships I have with my friends and family without hesitation. I firmly believe that is what is important in life — people.
I feel broken. But perhaps I’m not wording that eloquently enough. I’ve had a number of events in my life that traumatized me whether I can freely admit it or not. The deaths of a few close family members, an emotionally abusive relationship with a former girl friend, non-existent blood family, almost dying a few times, and a few friends leaving my boat to fend for myself alone in the ocean — life isn’t always glamorous or picture perfect.
Would I trade all those negative experiences for a life free of pain and suffering? Absolutely not. Learn from the past and just keep moving forward. It’s not your typical bullshit motivational post found on the likes of Facebook or Instagram — it’s the truth. I have a hard time forgetting and I would say time only slowly removes those unwanted feelings and emotions. I’m honest. I hope everyone else I care about is also.
It’s May 2019 and I can recall feeling completely lost in my own word numerous times in the past. Alone. It’s strange to admit when there are so many people who care about me. I’ve only recently realized how I perceive my world is not 1-to-1 to reality. I need a few words of advice and wisdom or a pick me up some months, but I listen intently. Perhaps, I am different, but I know there are others who feel the same way. All I have is this blog and the words in between. I fancy myself an optimist and hope that doesn’t change.
Take care of yourself. Thanks for visiting. Later world.
The past has a way of sneaking back often when it’s unwanted.
Through careful observation, my two best friends are routinely stuck in the past. One of them hasn’t been in a relationship since 2012, while the other left town to leave his troubles only to have them reappear in a different city. Yikes. For the sake of anonymity, I’ll call them Friend 1 and Friend 2 respectively.
From what I know, his first and only relationship brought him to the brink of implosion. I was there through much of the glory years of rose-colored lenses. He was happy and we all saw it. She told me he was the jealous type, but I think it’s to be expected in she’s your first and only. For what felt like overnight, she broke it off with him and left him sad and depressed. Mix in a large amount of alcohol and an angered emotional state and you have a recipe for disaster.
That was 7 years ago and to this day, when he’s drunk enough, he’ll tell me how much of an ill-effect this break up had on him. It’s quite sad and disheartening to have one bad relationship linger so much in someone’s consciousness. It’s one of the risks you take in being with someone — vulnerability is a double edge sword. Love and feelings have a more profound impact, but leaves you open for the sting that jealousy or a break up brings.
To say he hasn’t fully moved on would be an understatement. While we normally hang out in the likes of Highland Park and Glendale, he refuses to go to Pasadena at the off chance he may run into her. This is absolutely implausible considering the size of the city and the places we normally go to.
I like to call it like I see it. He’s a white knight and often finds himself chasing back the same woman we both know isn’t right for him. He thinks he can save her and help with her issues. It was back in 2013 when he first told me about her. By my recollection, I didn’t like anything he said, so I told him upfront: she’s not right for you and has a lot of personal issues. What the fuck?
Needless to say, this upset him, but he brushed it off as nothing. I knew it wouldn’t end well from the get go. Fast forward to the present, he informed me she moved to the same city as him, unknown to him. Supposedly, they have broken up, but that still leaves the issue of sleeping together problematic. While we were both drinking at a local bar, he informed me he got her pregnant and had to pay for an abortion.
I was angered and upset beyond belief. “Are you fucking serious? Bro, how the fuck did that happen?” It was something uttered along those lines. He says this is the last straw and swore left and right this was the end. I want to believe it, but I’ve heard that like a broken record for the past several years. Let’s hope for the best for his sake.
You were a falling star,
Nothing the glitz or glamour between the mirror,
I saw it all,
A life of the highest of highs and lowest of lows,
The curtain calls,
Onto the next act,
Some searching and some wandering about,
The lights are bright,
Yet the path goes dark,
You find yourself in the open,
Cliffside rocks on the flooded coast,
Alone with moonlight,
sin·cere·ly: in a sincere or genuine way.
I could give you the entire ocean,
Many seas worth searching,
An entire island for yourself,
But what is there for hoping?
I see the tides have been turning,
An entire coast thats flooded,
Somewhere you’re downing,
While the times changed all of a sudden,
I see it now what I didn’t then,
A woman that was another person,
Some call it a fairytales end,
Yet I called it commotion,